christinaIUP Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 I am kind of on my last thread here as far as my current relationship goes. I have been with him for over 3 1/2 years, and I moved four hours away from my family and friends to be with him. We have lived together fo over a year now. As with any relationship, we have had our good times and bad. But I know that this is not how a relationship should be. What he does to me is not right, and while I know this and have put up with this, I am still with him. Anyone can say "leave him" but it is easier said than done, as I do have an emotional attachment to him. I can go on and on about what he has done that I know isnt right (he hasnt cheated on me or anything like that) but it is what was said and done today that has really put me over that edge. He just called me at work to tell me that he cannot find a measuring cup that he so "deperately" needs. He proceeds to take out everything in the drawers and put them all over the kitchen floor. He then tells he that he needs it and that I better come home and find it for him, if I dont, he will break and trash all of my belongings. I cannot leave work, plus it a half an hour away from my apt. He also said that if i dont go home, then he will come to my work and "make a scene". Which I am sure its all words, but either way, it scares me. He worked late last night. His mother called me and asked me if his brother could come over and use my computer so he could type up a paper since theirs isnt working. (he 18 and is just starting college). I said sure. So my bf calls me last night while his bother is there (i told him why he was there and all) and he told me to relay a message for him to his brother. So I did, right there while I was on the phone with my bf so he could hear me. So.. I between his ranting about the measuring cup, he told me that his brother called and wanted to know about that job (which was the message that relayed to him from my bf). He then says.. "why didnt you tell him what I said? What were you doing there last night? You are a slutty whore." After that he hung up on me. I am sitting here at my desk about to cry. I mean, this isnt the first time something like this has happened. I feel that i am always at the brunt of his bad days. At this point, i dont know what to do. I have NOWHERE To go. I feel like i give and give and give in this relationship and i get nothing in return. .. well i guess that a whole other issue that i could write about the size of a novel about, but i wont. Link to post Share on other sites
Isabelle Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 This is emotional abuse. You deserve better than that. No one should have to put up with controlling and insulting behavior. I know just leaving is not as easy as people make it sound, but I hope you come up with the courage to do that. It's not easy when you've built your life around somebody. Still, the alternative is worse... do you stay in this? It doesn't get better. Work on building up relationships with your outside friends... that will make it easier to start over. You should not have to live like this. Link to post Share on other sites
portableversion Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Your BF is certfiably NUTS> he isn't dealing with a full deck. Unless mental problems are your cup of tea, GET OUT. And no, you don't have to stay to 'help' him. He freaks out over a measuring cup?? And thinks you are sleeping with his brother. Sounds like classic paranoia. Link to post Share on other sites
UltimateZen Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 His behavior is unacceptable. After 3 1/2 years you should know that these are his true colors: black and blue. Coupled with, I assume similar if not worse examples that you don't want to get into, get out right now. Move back home or with a friend. It really upsets me when I see people come up with excuses of how hard it is for them to leave their abusing mate. It's like a beaten dog....just puts up with it and takes it more and more until they have no will power or energy to fight back. I know everyone would say "leave him" and you think it is "easier said than done" but guess what it is that easy. Pack your things and move back to your parents or with a friend. I told my little sister the same thing. She was in an abusive relationship and after 2 years she finnally listened to me and kicked his out of the apartment, got a restraining order, and never looked back. And now she is dating a great Italian guy who treats her way better than that schmuck ever did. You have got to make a decision: Either accept it and put up with the abuse or get out. Don't think you can change him. With you moving out it will send him a wake up call that he needs to change his behavior to function in society. With that time apart from him go out with other guys (there are many cool ones out there), reflect on what you want from a mate, and then move on with your life. Otherwise, you will be an emotional punching bag for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 It's not supposed to be like that. I tried to send you a pm, but your private messaging is turned off. PM me, if you need someone to talk to who would truely understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 You need to get out of that relationship. Your BF is NOT a reasonable, stable person. Call your local abuse hotline for more information on what resources could be available to you in order to help you make your move. They can also give you some information on what to do in the event that he becomes violent. You said you have nowhere to go. You need to work on that. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author christinaIUP Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 Thank you for offering help. I dont even know where to begin. I know that he knows what he is doing is not right, but for some reason he refuses to acknowldge it, until it has all blown over. Then he tells me he is sorry. Its like every other story or situation of this type of thing. He hurts you, then he apologizes. then its all good for a while. I am pretty much the only one he comes to if he has a problem, so i am the brunt of much of his frustrations. So if he is having a bad day. then I have to hear about it. When I do complain about his actions, he tells me that I am looking for that "fairy tale" boyfriend, and perfect boyfriends dont exist. I mean, i could go on and on about this, but that could take a while. I mean, he makes a lot more money than me, but I pay for the groceries, I pay the utility bills. I have given him a hard time about this but its like talking to a wall. I could go on and on, but I would be typing forever. He is a rebund relationship. A rebound from a verbal abuser. Meeting him was my "way out" of that previous relationship. Now I am stuck. The lease on this apartment is renewed, I have a good job here, so I can't go live with my parents where there really arent any good jobs in that area. I wish I could just set him straight somehow. Prove to him that he cant take advantage of me, or take me for granted. You see, he thinks that I will stick around no matter what. And thats a problem. Even if he did realize these things and change, its probably too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Isabelle Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Unfortunately, it looks like you may have just gone from one verbal abuser to another. You are not "stuck". Also, please don't look for a relationship, or parents, to be your "way out". If you have a good job, can you afford to get an apartment by yourself and break the lease/ whatever you have to do? He shouldn't take you for granted, and should grow up in terms of the way he reacts to "bad days". You can't make him change. You can give him an ultimatum and see what he does... you never know... but don't expect much. Perfect boyfriends may not exist, but they can sure get a lot better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnbride Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 When I do complain about his actions, he tells me that I am looking for that "fairy tale" boyfriend, and perfect boyfriends dont exist. I mean, i could go on and on about this, but that could take a while. I mean, he makes a lot more money than me, but I pay for the groceries, I pay the utility bills. I have given him a hard time about this but its like talking to a wall. I could go on and on, but I would be typing forever. He is a rebund relationship. A rebound from a verbal abuser. Meeting him was my "way out" of that previous relationship. Now I am stuck. The lease on this apartment is renewed, I have a good job here, so I can't go live with my parents where there really arent any good jobs in that area. I wish I could just set him straight somehow. Prove to him that he cant take advantage of me, or take me for granted. You see, he thinks that I will stick around no matter what. And thats a problem. Even if he did realize these things and change, its probably too late. Like Isabelle said, it seems like you have jumped from one abusive relationship into another. If he is not validating your feelings on how his actions are making you feel, and just giving you the line that there are no perfect boyfriends out there, then he is diminishing what he's doing to you and that's an abusive pattern. No, there are no perfect boyfriends/husbands, but there are men out there that will treat you a LOT better than this guy is. It's unfortunate that your "way out" was just into the arms of another abuser, but remember you are not stuck. Your life is your own, and you are in control, not him. If you don't want to move back with your parents because of the job situation, can you afford to get a place of your own? Are there any friends you can stay with in the meantime while you look for a place? Don't worry about the lease. Even if you move he can still stay there, and therefore you wouldn't be breaking anything. If however, you think he'll give you a hard time and threaten you with the lease, you should talk with your landlord about the situation and see if you can work something out with he/she. I would do this before discussing anything with your boyfriend, however, just so the landlord hears it from you first. I'm sure that none of this is easy, but you do need to get out of this relationship because it's only going to cause you more harm. Once some space is put between the two of you, would you consider going to counseling, or suggesting that he go? Is there an underlying problem with him such as a chemical imbalance that's making him act this way? If so, then it needs to be diagnosed and treated. I wish you luck, and hope that you can get your life back on track with or without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by christinaIUP At this point, i dont know what to do. I have NOWHERE To go. You have nowhere to go, but UP. Link to post Share on other sites
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