Lobbed a grenade and burned the bridge

[GixxerGirl]

Hi, all

 

First post, been lurking for a few days. I have to say this forum has helped tremendously in the situation I've been in. My story is (no kidding) it's reminiscent of A LOT of others that have already shared.

 

Dated a man who had a GF who said he would end it, never did, kept making excuses, I felt unloved each time he said he would do it and didn't - well, I'm old enough (48) to know not to keep hanging on, so after 9 weeks of this bull, I ended it.

 

I started NC 3 days ago when I went off on him (hey, NO ONE texts faster than a pissed off woman) - but I slipped last night and sent him a text. Dammit.

 

Well, I'll start the clock again.

 

I saw this post just now and it's awesome. I have printed and posted on my computer monitor so as to remind myself.

 

Below is something I put together for myself, but some of might be useful for you.

 

1. Recognise that you are in the crisis phase, You are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or by using any other mode of expression that feels right.

4. Remind yourself frequently, that you can and will have a good life without this person.

5. Remind yourself frequently, that you can and will love again.

6. Take care of your body:

 

• Eat enough and eat healthily.
  
• Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres for a female.
  
• Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.
  
• Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.
  
• If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.
  
• If you are on any prescription meds, take them as prescribed.
  

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex.

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

Take care.

 

This is so helpful.

[sooshi]

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you didn't like this man walk all over you anymore. You are strong and and inspiring. And yes, Satu has so much helpful advice to offer! I enjoy reading her journal entries as well, and would encourage you to take a look--they're short, sweet, and inspiring.

[GixxerGirl]

Thanks for the welcome. I'll take a look at her journals.

 

I won't lie - the pain is intense and I'm a mess just like everyone else here. I have to remind myself pretty much every 30 minutes - TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! or DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR POWER

 

<sigh> it's the damn thoughts that keep intruding.

 

I am a believer in meditation but even then I'm having a hard time letting thoughts of him/us intrude. I try not to judge when those thoughts do arise ... still it's so much easier to want to give in to the sadness than to be mindful, acknowledge the thoughts then let them go. No wonder they say meditation is an on-going practice.

 

Today is a beautiful day - and I am grateful for being alive - and I will get through this.

[sooshi]

We're glad to have you here.

 

It's frustrating when the intrusive thoughts kick in. I love your last line, and how you speak of your own power. You recognize that today is a beautiful day, that you are grateful for being alive, and that you will get through this. Already a quick shift from saying "don't give him your power"!

 

I encourage you to reframe some of those words, and tell yourself, "I am powerful. I have the power to choose."

 

Meditation is wonderful. Be gentle with yourself and remember that meditation comes in many forms. Sitting in silence with your eyes closed might not work for your right now, but maybe taking a walk outside on this beautiful day might be the more appropriate meditation for you for now. Allow your body to tell how what kind of meditation it needs.

[GixxerGirl]

Thank you.

 

I will use the words: "I am powerful. I have the power to choose."

 

In fact, that's also going up on my computer monitor.

 

As a middle-aged woman, who's been through one divorce and a couple of intense relationships ... I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's just getting through the tunnel that's the difficult part.

 

I am reading through Satus journal entries - very profound posts.

 

Have a wonderful day.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Gixxeryour your story resonated with me as I am in the other side of your fence.

 

I know that when we fall in love we feel that what we have is so special but how special could what you had be if he lied to you both in order to "love you?" Imagine for a moment you did get him to leave his gf could you seriously see this man not doing the exact same thing to you when the going gets tough, when he becomes bored, when he is looking for a thrill whatever the excuses they tell themselves could you honestly not see this happening to you?

 

I was with a man who would run from conflict, who would shift blame and take 0 accountability for his actions and who lied more than I care to admit about innocuous and more significant things. I too made excuses for him because we "had something special" yet he betrayed me in the ultimate way.

 

No one and no relationship is special enough for people like this because what they say and what they do are polar opposites.

[GixxerGirl]

Imagine for a moment you did get him to leave his gf could you seriously see this man not doing the exact same thing to you <snip>?

 

To his credit (and I don't give him much) he did say he was worried I would think that same thing - that he'd do it to me. If I take him at his word, he's never cheated on anyone before (two 12-year relationships: 1st ex-wife cheated on him; 2nd ex-wife he divorced after 5 years due to her treatment of his kids). The woman he's been dating for the past four years does not live with him and is actually married to someone else! He has a home in Northern CA in the town she lives in, he works in the Bay Area so only goes home every other weekend - and he says he barely sees her anymore. But that's irrelevant at this point.

 

He's chosen to not be with me. Period. And he can't have me while he has her. I know I have a helluva lot more to offer and for him to chose a married woman over me ... well, what does that say about HIM too? Again, irrelevant at this point - it's done.

 

I totally own my own role in this. I knew he had this relationship before we started but he insisted he was going to 'end it' that he'd been wanting to for a while.

 

No one and no relationship is special enough for people like this because what they say and what they do are polar opposites.

 

Yet, weeks past and I was living in 2 week spurts of happiness - then he'd go home and I'd become this wreck.

 

Finally, after nine weeks of this, I had had enough.

 

This forum has helped to take my mind of the pain and off the 'oh what could have been' thoughts.

[sooshi]

Is he in an open marriage?

 

I'm glad that the forum has been helping you. You've been through a lot, and you're a very strong, resilient woman, and again, we're happy to have you here.

[GixxerGirl]

Is he in an open marriage?

 

I'm glad that the forum has been helping you. You've been through a lot, and you're a very strong, resilient woman, and again, we're happy to have you here.

 

No - he's not married currently. The woman he's been seeing for the past four years IS married ... to someone else. She had been wanting to move in with him but he refuses to let her.

 

Um, yeah. When I put him down in writing like this ... he sounds like a chump. LOL

 

I'm actually making myself feel better! ha ha ha

[sooshi]

Ah, right--I misread that. Thanks for clarifying. Is the woman and her husband in an open marriage?

 

It sounds like his actions are hurting several people, and has broken/is breaking up a marriage. And now, breaking your heart (for the last time, hopefully).

 

I'm glad you're feeling better by writing what you have. It really helps when we can come out of our emotional cloud, even for a bit, and focus on the rational side of things.

 

You really do deserve so much more than what he is able to offer you, and I can see that you know that.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack

 

Good to have you here with us.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ugh I can just imagine, living off those glimpses of happiness can't feel good. Humans crave companionship, intimacy and have the need to be vulnerable in a relationship with the promise of consistence reciprocity. You can't have that in an affair or part time rel. I feel for you.

 

Major red flag for me: C'mon, he's been with her 4 years and she wants to move in with him but he doesn't want that!?! Why be with a married person for 4 years if the possibility of being together isn't wanted? Does he have major commitment issues or is he just a great liar like most cheaters are?

[GixxerGirl]

Major red flag for me: C'mon, he's been with her 4 years and she wants to move in with him but he doesn't want that!?! Why be with a married person for 4 years if the possibility of being together isn't wanted? Does he have major commitment issues or is he just a great liar like most cheaters are?

 

Big Red Flag

 

And I knew it going in. But not gonna beat myself up about it now. What's done is done.

 

He 'says' he's always been a long-term type of guy; whereas I (admittedly) have not been. Meh, all water under the bridge now. I know what I want and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has to keep me a secret.

 

See, he's been keeping me a secret - he hasn't been able to tell his grown children about me because he was technically still with her - even though they both want him to dump her. I EFFIN HATE SECRETS. And being kept one has made me royally pissed off.

 

And keeping secrets ... well that's a whole other story that stems back to childhood/mother issues with attachment disorder ... and yes, I've been seeing my therapist to work on this issue.

 

That's the silver lining ... it's made me realize what is important - and that's ME. I lost myself these past few months but I'm finding myself again. And issues about attachment have come up and by golly, I'm tackling them now.

 

Because I *do* want to find someone I can be in a relationship without hesitancy and who will love as much as I do.

[Sunkissedpatio]

If I also may recommend the show "The Affair" there is a brilliant scene towards the end of season 2 where the cheater has his demons out in therapy and it is a very introspective look at how cheaters justify their actions and how seemingly good people, once they cross that line of morality, find it extremely hard to go back to their moral state prior to the affair.

 

Also see (on Netflix) (dis)Honesty the truth about Lies. A good doc on what happens to our brain when we lie. It's truly eye-opening.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Good for you Gixxer! I'm in my mid 40's too and sometimes I need to remind myself life isn't over at 40, there are good things to come in life at any age so long as we have our health and we are emotionally open and want it enough!

 

I can't tell you or anyone what you deserve but it all does boil down to what we feel we deserve.

 

I know I am worth so much more than a man full of lies and deceit and confusion no matter how good he was on the alternative days.

 

Over the past few weeks I keep seeing repetitive numbers in sequence 10:10, 11:11, 12:12 etc Apparently my angels are looking out for me and I'm on a right path, not that I'm a great believer in all that but something within me changed over the past weeks and I feel like life is awaiting. I can see same happening to you.

[sooshi]

Gixxer and Sunkissed, you're both very inspiring women. I hope you both find someone with whom you can have the kind of relationship you want. Thank you to both for being on here and reminding us that in spite of the pain we might be experiencing, there is so much good out there to receive.

[GixxerGirl]

Ah, right--I misread that. Thanks for clarifying. Is the woman and her husband in an open marriage?.

 

IDK - as far as I know, she hasn't seen her husband in over 20 years. She's just too lazy to get a divorce. He said that she's waiting for HIM to help her get the divorce. Meh, whatever. Apparently she's a former meth addict who once abandoned her kids ... has two of her older daughters and their kids living with her while on welfare. Such a winning prize in a GF!

 

You really do deserve so much more than what he is able to offer you, and I can see that you know that.

 

Oh yes. I'm at a great point in my life - financially secure, great job, both kids just graduated college - I have no drama except for the drama he brought to my life recently. And I can't stand it.

 

I know I have a lot to offer someone and don't deserve what he's put me through. I blocked his number on my cell and today I set disabled my Facebook for a while. THAT was really freeing!

 

Today was a good day ... I hope to keep the pain away and keep having good days.

 

He chose a married woman over me ... and I have so much more to offer. HIS LOSS.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Gixxer and Sunkissed, you're both very inspiring women. I hope you both find someone with whom you can have the kind of relationship you want. Thank you to both for being on here and reminding us that in spite of the pain we might be experiencing, there is so much good out there to receive.

 

 

thank you Sooshi! What a nice thing to say. I hope we all find happiness. No, I know that we will. Life is cyclical bring on the bad so that we can look forward to the good!

[Sunkissedpatio]

I know I have a lot to offer someone and don't deserve what he's put me through. I blocked his number on my cell and today I set disabled my Facebook for a while. THAT was really freeing!

 

Today was a good day ... I hope to keep the pain away and keep having good days.

 

He chose a married woman over me ... and I have so much more to offer. HIS LOSS.

 

WOW that is hardcore! Good for you. I wish I had your strength. I can't bring myself to block my ex's coordinates though intellectually I know I should. You inspired me.

 

And yes absolutely his loss, all loves being equal only a fool would take a person who is unavailable over someone who is ready and willing to love them freely. This man sounds like he is hung up on the fantasy of what he has with his married woman, guaranteed that if they did get together the reality will never live up to the dream.

 

I am debating selling my engagement ring and taking a nice long vacation across Europe for a few months.

Edited June 18, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[GixxerGirl]

WOW that is hardcore! Good for you. I wish I had your strength. I can't bring myself to block my ex's coordinates though intellectually I know I should. You inspired me.

 

And yes absolutely his loss, all loves being equal only a fool would take a person who is unavailable over someone who is ready and willing to love them freely. This man sounds like he is hung up on the fantasy of what he has with his married woman, guaranteed that if they did get together the reality will never live up to the dream.

 

I am debating selling my engagement ring and taking a nice long vacation across Europe for a few months.

 

Oh, I'll admit to having a hard time right now resisting texting him ... but I'm not going to do it.

 

I'm going to binge the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (something I hadn't done when he was coming over nightly) and dig into some ice cream. I deserve it. LOL

 

Do it! I'd love to be able to do a long vacay right now ... I was able to do an overnight backpacking trip to Point Reyes a couple of weekends ago. The solitude was very welcomed. Helped clear my mind on where I want to be and what I want in my life.

 

And it's not hanging on to bits and crumbs this man gives me. I'm so much more worth than that.

Edited June 18, 2016 by GixxerGirl

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh Point Reyes sound fabulous.

 

It's SO hard not to text! I am so proud of myself for resisting in those early weeks, especially at work we were always sending each other texts throughout the day.And that radio silence murdered me in those early weeks. And you sit at your desk incapable of focusing on anything other than playing back what will be and you want to reach out and just send one little harmless text.

 

Now that I am clearer of mind I am so happy I resisted. I really hope you do too, you will be happier for it in the long run.

 

Although I dunnow... I really believe we all have to do it how we have to do it. All this bullsht about NC ya ya ya but you have to do what you have to, just don't regret your choices. But every relationship is different.

[GixxerGirl]

After four months of playing the fool and being the OW, I had enough. I tired of treading the muddy waters he pulled into. I never wanted to be the OW and it really screwed with my internal value system.

 

Having had enough, I sent this message to both him and his GF via FaceBook this morning with every intention of burning the bridge for good.

 

 

Jimmy played me pretty good the past few months with promises about ending his relationship with you but then never following through. He created a lot of havoc and turmoil with the lies he's spun. I talked to him about values like honesty and integrity and if he would come clean to you and own up to the deceit he's been living - he said no that he sees no need to do that - but I'm done swimming in the muddy waters he pulled me into. I never wanted to play a part in an affair but he kept spewing out lies and false promises. I'm clearing my conscience and coming clean about my role in this whole sordid affair. If I were in your position, I would want to know. He doesn't see the need to tell you. I want nothing to do with a person who cares so little about the feelings of someone they claim to love.

 

It's over, Jimmy. I'm burning the bridge so there's nothing left to cross. There's no histrionics or flipping out involved with this. If I could say it was a fun few months I would but it hasn't been. Other than the incredible mind-blowing sex, there was nothing but false promises and lies. The things I discussed with you to help you go home were said with the intent of helping you. The lies you told me only had the intent of stringing me along. You never intended to break up with Sue but you kept saying you would! Jesus, you even told your daughter you were going to. Where the **** is your integrity?? But - my bad - I was the fool to think the energy we had between us would be enough but I was wrong. Being with you compromised values I hold close. Perhaps being a man doesn't mean what you think it means. All it takes is to walk your talk.

 

His number is blocked on my cell, and he's been blocked on FaceBook.

 

Surprisingly I feel a lot better having lobbed this grenade.

[SevenCity]

That's more like a nuke! But I'm curious how you seem to question his morals yet you were the OW? If he left her would it have been ok to have an affair?

 

What did he lie to you about exactly?

[GixxerGirl]

Last week I had a conversation about values with him. It was interesting because when asked what his values were, he couldn't name them and wanted to hear mine while he contemplated the question. When asked if he would sleep with me if I had found someone new, he replied "yes I would" but soon recanted when I said I would never do that.

 

I asked him a yes or no question yesterday: is he going to end his relationship.

 

He hemmed and hawed and I asked just for a yes or no. He finally said that for the moment, no he was not.

 

This was after the past four months of consistently telling me he was going to (yes, the excuses why he hadn't are many any repeated throughout this site). And like a fool I kept believing.

 

This was the first time he's admitted that, no - he is not going to end it. Thus negating everything he's told me.

 

I totally own my role in this and for me, honesty and integrity are very important values. Self-compromising them these past few months have really screwed with me. I've spent a lot of money on therapy and healing the past few weeks to get my head straight and realize I can't do this to myself.

 

I wanted no chance of any bridge between us which is why I launched this nuclear grenade.

[SevenCity]

The tricky thing about affairs is you are really exposed by being the OW. from what I've seen chances are the guy won't leave his spouse / so for you.

 

It's a bad idea to put yourself in this position and if your morals were fighting you I wonder if you would have been ok with it even if he did leave.

 

Personally, I would not have said anything to his girl. If I was the OM I wouldn't feel the need to blow up what they had because I didn't get the outcome I had hoped. It's a risk you take when involving yourself with someone who is already involved.