Author GixxerGirl Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 (edited) I thought about this for a long time before dropping this bomb. There's several threads on this site that discuss telling the BS. It seems that the overwhelming consensus is that they would have rather known than not. But that aside, it's done and I don't regret it. I cleared my conscience and owned my role in this. Whatever happens on his end is none of my concern. Had he ended it with her, IDK if I would have ever felt comfortable being the Main [Partner] after being the [Affair Partner]. But that hadn't happened so who knows? Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) I thought about this for a long time before dropping this bomb. There's several threads on this site that discuss telling the BS. It seems that the overwhelming consensus is that they would have rather known than not. But that aside, it's done and I don't regret it. I cleared my conscience and owned my role in this. Whatever happens on his end is none of my concern. Had he ended it with her, IDK if I would have ever felt comfortable being the Main [Partner] after being the [Affair Partner]. But that hadn't happened so who knows? Your last statement.... Had he left his girlfriend for you, you have no idea how you would have felt going from his [affair partner] to the main girlfriend. So, you kept pushing for him to break up his relationship with his girlfriend without even knowing if you would have felt comfortable being his main girlfriend? Why did you keep pushing him to end things with her then when you weren't even sure you'd have been comfortable being his main girlfriend? Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GixxerGirl Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) Your last statement.... Had he left his girlfriend for you, you have no idea how you would have felt going from his [affair partner] to the main girlfriend. So, you kept pushing for him to break up his relationship with his girlfriend without even knowing if you would have felt comfortable being his main girlfriend? Why did you keep pushing him to end things with her then when you weren't even sure you'd have been comfortable being his main girlfriend? Simple - At the time, I had the desire to be fully present in the relationship and he kept assuring me that he would 'clean his house' so we could be together. But key words: I DON'T KNOW. I wanted to be the focus of his attention. Had it happened, I DON'T KNOW what would have come of it. I don't know if I would have been comfortable; I don't know if I would have been UNcomfortable. As it didn't happen, I STILL DON'T KNOW what would have come of it. It's all an unknown as to what would or could or should have happened. Who knows what the future would have held? It's all moot at this point. We can ask about why or how come or what for but it's all hypothetical. I DON'T KNOW means, I DON'T KNOW. At the time, when I pushed him to end things, I wanted it. He said he did to. Does that answer your question? Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Simple - At the time, I had the desire to be fully present in the relationship and he kept assuring me that he would 'clean his house' so we could be together. But key words: I DON'T KNOW. I wanted to be the focus of his attention. Had it happened, I DON'T KNOW what would have come of it. I don't know if I would have been comfortable; I don't know if I would have been UNcomfortable. As it didn't happen, I STILL DON'T KNOW what would have come of it. It's all an unknown as to what would or could or should have happened. Who knows what the future would have held? It's all moot at this point. We can ask about why or how come or what for but it's all hypothetical. I DON'T KNOW means, I DON'T KNOW. At the time, when I pushed him to end things, I wanted it. He said he did to. Does that answer your question? He didn't want you to be his main girlfriend which is why he refused to break up his current relationship and kept stringing you along. I am not sure why you told his girlfriend that he was cheating on her with you. You knew from the beginning that he was in a relationship but you chose to get involved with him regardless. Had he left his current girlfriend for you, you would never have contacted her. However, when things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to, you outed him. Sorry, but it seems like you are a woman scorned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GixxerGirl Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) [] Anything else? Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted rude response ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) The point of my point of my post was to see if i could figure out why you decided to hurt (twice) the girlfriend who had done nothing to hurt you. First by having an affair with her boyfriend then by shattering her world by telling her about it. You had no reason to do it other than spite and revenge. You wanted to hurt him and in doing so you hurt his girlfriend who was innocent in all of this. Since the grenade has already been thrown, the only helpful advice i can give to you is ....stay away from men who are in relationships. It doesn't matter what their reasons for staying in the relationship are, just say no; then go out and find yourself a man who is single and available. Good luck... Edited August 1, 2016 by loveisanaction 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GixxerGirl Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) Oh and my point of throwing him under the bus like that was to cut off any possibilities of him coming back with the same sorry ass excuses. By making him hate what I did - there's no more bridge to cross. There are tons of stories like mine in this sub forum, so much so that I see myself in most of them. I posted here to get it off my chest not to be judged for what I did. I did what I felt was right for me, for the circumstances. I appreciate feedback - [] Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted another rude response ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GixxerGirl Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) The point of my point of my post was to see if i could figure out why you decided to hurt (twice) the girlfriend who had done nothing to hurt you. First by having an affair with her boyfriend then by shattering her world by telling her about it. You had no reason to do it other than spite and revenge. You wanted to hurt him and in doing so you hurt his girlfriend who was innocent in all of this. Since the grenade has already been thrown, the only helpful advice i can give to you is ....stay away from men who are in relationships. It doesn't matter what their reasons for staying in the relationship are, just say no; then go out and find yourself a man who is single and available. Good luck... First, why bother to figure out WHY I did it? It's done. Sure, I'll admit to revenge - he left my life in turmoil, I was going to create a little for him - if that makes me a [] - so be it. I appreciate your advice - [] Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted another rude response ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Maybe from the pain from my own affair, day by day by day, I am becoming a very bitter, hateful, and cold-hearted apathetic person. So my post here maybe tainted by my own dark thoughts--who knows? But this is how I see it: OP: Your first post here said you went in NC and I see that you were in contact with OM again. That is the most typical behavior in affairs: the constant on-off cycle. Even long after going into NC, the OW's mind keep expecting to slip and start the affair again. As awful as your action (exposing OM) sounds, you really have burned the bridge for sure. No matter what, no way will this man want anything to do with you after revealing his secrets like this. Which mean, you have saved yourself from the potential continual of the on-off destructive cycle. Whether your action was born out of hate and scorn, ending this illicit affair was the only right thing--by any means possible. What you did was wrong clearly, but now it's time for you to move, learn never to get involved with an involved person again. OM: He was cheating on his gf all this time. He has been stringing OP along with lies and deceit. Now that he's exposed, there are only two possibilities: (1) his gf forgives and reconciles and he will do his best to be loyal; it will then hopefully make him a more honest person once he sees the pain in his gf's face. (2) His gf leaves him, and he will learn a valuable lesson; and hopefully he will think twice next time when he feels like cheating on another woman. GF: As painful as it must have been for her to get such a shocking heartbreaking message, it is better now that she knows the truth. Now she can make the decision herself about whether or not to stay with this cheating man. Right now, I cannot begin to imagine what pain she must be in, but in time she will be thankful that she knew the truth. Every woman who's betrayed wants to know the truth, however ugly the truth maybe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GixxerGirl Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 That is the most typical behavior in affairs: the constant on-off cycle. Even long after going into NC, the OW's mind keep expecting to slip and start the affair again. Thank you for your post. Yes, I tried NC and failed - as many do. I'm human. It happened. Oops my bad. I'm sure there's a lot of folks here who have been there, done that. As awful as your action (exposing OM) sounds, you really have burned the bridge for sure. No matter what, no way will this man want anything to do with you after revealing his secrets like this. Which mean, you have saved yourself from the potential continual of the on-off destructive cycle. Whether your action was born out of hate and scorn, ending this illicit affair was the only right thing--by any means possible. What you did was wrong clearly, but now it's time for you to move, learn never to get involved with an involved person again. Yes, I wanted to make the man hate me so much that he won't come back. Because he comes back, I fall for his BS again. I know I would. This way, I know he won't. It's all perspective on whether what I did was wrong or not. It's done. I cannot begin to imagine what pain she must be in, but in time she will be thankful that she knew the truth. Every woman who's betrayed wants to know the truth, however ugly the truth maybe. I debated and did a lot of googling about whether or not I should do this. I knew in my heart, that this was the ONLY way I could make the NC stick. Forever. Contrary to what this post is about, I truly don't like hurting people and I'm sure I created a karmic contract by doing so. She's married to yet another man in the equation, that she hasn't seen for over 20 years ... I can't say how she reacted to this. I appreciate your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) deleted post Good for you. Do you feel better? My only comment is to be careful because he may say whatever to his gf and you may get no feeling of justice. In my situation, my H forced xMM to tell his wife and he told her a pack of lies. She called my husband and he told her the truth. Still, a woman will believe what she wants to believe to keep a relationship and I went down as the big temptress and xMM as the victim. Nothing happened at all in their marriage and they are happy together. I got no feeling of a-ha at all. Sometimes I think today, I should send her the communication from the spring so she sees he is still lying to her but I know it would only come back to bite me. I would not get closure. Closure like vomit, comes from within. Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted quote of deleted post ~6 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GixxerGirl Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Honestly? I *do* feel better. I spoke of values like honest and integrity - and truly, those I hold dear. I am fully aware (just so people don't wonder why I did this or did that) that I self-compromised those values by seeing a man who was attached. And it ate at me so bad. The pain from being in a push-pull relationship only was compounded by my own remorse for ignoring how I felt inside. At this point, I don't care what he tells her. I have proof. I have TONS of messages from him (and his daughter) detailing how he wants to end things with her and exactly why he wants out. Those messages are hurtful and I would not share those. Thanks for your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) The OP knew from the very beginning that this man was in a relationship but she still got involved with him regardless. The OP outed him to his girlfriend because she was bitter and angry that he had strung her along and refused to leave his girlfriend for her. Had the man left his girlfriend for the OP, the girlfriend would have never have known that her boyfriend was cheating on her because the OP would never have reached out to her. It's great that the girlfriend now knows that her boyfriend is a lying, cheating scumbag but the way she found out was not from a girl who had her best interest at heart. After all, the OP didn't mind that she was hurting his girlfriend when she thought that her affair partner was going to leave his girlfriend for her. The OP was a willing participant in all of this and only turned around and outed her affair partner to his girlfriend when it became clear that he wasn't going to leave his girlfriend for her. Whether it's through counselling, meditation or whatever she feels can help her, the OP needs understand why she felt it was okay to get involved with a man who was not available, she needs to learn how not to get involved with men who are taken and learn how to set up stronger boundaries with men who are either married or who are in committed relationships. It's good that she came here to get this off of her chest but telling his girlfriend will be pointless if she doesn't learn from any of this. ..again...Good Luck... Edited August 1, 2016 by loveisanaction Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Note from moderation: This thread will remain open for now, but due to multiple posts deleted and edited, there will be a delay in responses from the threadstarter. Thanks to all that have posted within our guidelines. ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Closure like vomit, comes from within. This is the most hilariously profound Zen line I have ever heard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 There are opposing schools of thought on LS about telling the BS. If I were the BS I would thank anyone who told me. However, I could never do it myself. You did it your way. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
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