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Mother is very sick

Woggle

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Woggle

Woggle

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I have gotten word that my mother is very sick and might have only months if not weeks. I am wondering if I should attempt to get in contact with her. I feel that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where old woman hating me is in the rearview mirror and I never want to go back to being that filled with rage and hate. I know how triggering dealing with her can be. It brings out the worst in me and I become just like her. On the other hand I don't want her to die with us not speaking or having no relationship at all. It's sad if she dies with nothing whatsoever being resolved. Should I just continue to completely wash my hands of her?

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CarrieT

CarrieT

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Woggle, I know how much you have struggled with this one.

 

And at one point, I was also in your shoes.

 

Despite the deep angst and justifiable vitriol I felt towards the woman who bore me, I can tell you now that a dozen years after my mother's passing, I deeply regret not telling her the *good* things that were in my heart.

 

You don't need to rehash all the problems and hate. You could just reach out for closure...

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bathtub-row

bathtub-row

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Once she's gone, it can't be undone. You don't get a do-over. Be sure that you don't have regrets about not making peace with her. Since you're torn about this, I'd suggest that you go. At least you'll always know you tried or, at the very least, that you were there.

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S2B

S2B

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Ooh - it's a tough one. Knowing how terrible she was to you and the hard work you've done to move forward - if it were me - i'd write her a letter and call that enough.

 

Any phone call or seeing her in person and you risk her being mean to you - and that's only on you because you stepped in... So I vote for a letter...that way it keeps you at a safe distance but you get to say what's on your mind.

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Woggle

Woggle

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I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine.

 

A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred.

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xxoo

xxoo

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I'm sorry that you're mom is dying. I'm also sorry that she never turned around and became the mother you needed :(

 

You tried, more than most would.

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Satu

Satu

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I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine.

 

A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred.

 

You made the effort and did what you could.

 

You're blameless.

 

 

Take care.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine.

 

A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred.

 

The trauma might hit you a few days down the road, or after the funeral.

 

The grief might be weird, complex and unexpected.

 

Try not to hide from it. Just anticipate it happening so when it hits in weird waves, you'll know to surf instead of drown.

 

I am also expecting a strange and complex grief over my father.

 

Yoir mother never really knew you Woggle. Anyone whose issues are that deep and dehumanizing that she repeatedly INVESTED in, could not possibly have seen you as a whole, impressionable person. Her lenses were too dark. Don't fear that her judgment of you is correct ever. Even if by the law of averages she was right about a thing or two, never accept her broader picture as being accurate.

 

Unfortunately, someone the only way attitudes like hers pass is through death.

 

Good for you for breaking that chain forever.

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Woggle

Woggle

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Thank you everybody for your support and I am also sorry for the hateful generalizations I used to make.

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mmmike

mmmike

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I have gotten word that my mother is very sick and might have only months if not weeks. I am wondering if I should attempt to get in contact with her. I feel that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where old woman hating me is in the rearview mirror and I never want to go back to being that filled with rage and hate. I know how triggering dealing with her can be. It brings out the worst in me and I become just like her. On the other hand I don't want her to die with us not speaking or having no relationship at all. It's sad if she dies with nothing whatsoever being resolved. Should I just continue to completely wash my hands of her?

 

Consider being calm, wishing her well, and being kind. Even if just from a distance. Remind yourself that this is a dying woman. My father was an alcoholic and horrible to my mom, brother and I my whole life. In 2010 he died of lung cancer. I never shed a tear. In the weeks prior he was mean, moody, would verbally attack me at certain points. He had been nasty to me his whole life. While he was sick I just calmly told him I wish him well and I hope he feels better and I'm thinking of him. The fact is, he was dying and very bitter about it. I reminded myself of this fact even when I felt angry at him on the inside but I never lost my cool outwardly at the end of his life. I have no regrets for staying a class act when he died. I hope you feel better and make whatever decision you feel is right for your situation. Good luck. After he died, I didn't attend his funeral. There was no reason to at that point and I don't regret it.

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S2B

S2B

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Being abused for my entire adult life - I ended up doing trauma counseling. My counselor taught me well and very thoroughly = when any person is abused the forgiveness is for yourself...or as in never again allow any person to treat you anything but well and good.

 

I had to forgive myself for allowing another person(s) treat me unkindly.

 

I don't step in to those situations anymore. If I'm sucked in now - I defend myself with a vengeance! How dare I let anyone be mean to me! I won't allow others to disrespect and disregard me.

 

Don't spend anymore time or energy on this horrible woman. She's not worth thinking about.

 

She may have given birth to you but she hasn't been a Mother.

 

I can honestly say my sister has been a better role model to me than my Mom. My Mom is weak and wimpy and lives in fear. I won't live that way anymore.

 

I am free from that kind of life now because I rarely think of those times and I certainly do everything in my power to never be weak that way ever again.

 

 

In short - you forgive yourself... And never allow anyone to treat you unkindly anymore. That a boundary and if it's ever crossed - that person ought to hear you standing up for yourself!

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Tayla

Tayla

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Woggle, you have thru the years evolved , improved and been the better person.

 

My bio dad and your mom both carry that same theme towards genders/offspring.

 

you are choosing a better path.

 

the cycle is broken,that is a good thing...

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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

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I have gotten word that my mother is very sick and might have only months if not weeks. I am wondering if I should attempt to get in contact with her. I feel that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where old woman hating me is in the rearview mirror and I never want to go back to being that filled with rage and hate. I know how triggering dealing with her can be. It brings out the worst in me and I become just like her. On the other hand I don't want her to die with us not speaking or having no relationship at all. It's sad if she dies with nothing whatsoever being resolved. Should I just continue to completely wash my hands of her?

 

You do what is best for you. If that means seeing or speaking to her then do it so you can have a clear state of mind, be the bigger person and make peace with her on your end (doubtful she will give you the same in return) and not feel any guilt. Or if staying away brings you peace, then stay away.

 

Your mom is toxic and has so many issues that have nothing to do with you, my worry is, you'll go and she'll shi.t all over you again. Can you handle that?

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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

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I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine.

 

A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred.

 

Ah I see this update.

 

She is and always have been a miserable depressed, angry person. Nothing to do with you. You did what a good son would do, try and sadly she ruined a chance to make amends with you. Shame on her.

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UpwardForward

UpwardForward

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I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine.

 

A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred.

 

In spite of her reaction, your call may have meant more to her than you know, though.

 

But sadly, it appears she has programmed herself.

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