Woggle Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I have gotten word that my mother is very sick and might have only months if not weeks. I am wondering if I should attempt to get in contact with her. I feel that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where old woman hating me is in the rearview mirror and I never want to go back to being that filled with rage and hate. I know how triggering dealing with her can be. It brings out the worst in me and I become just like her. On the other hand I don't want her to die with us not speaking or having no relationship at all. It's sad if she dies with nothing whatsoever being resolved. Should I just continue to completely wash my hands of her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Woggle, I know how much you have struggled with this one. And at one point, I was also in your shoes. Despite the deep angst and justifiable vitriol I felt towards the woman who bore me, I can tell you now that a dozen years after my mother's passing, I deeply regret not telling her the *good* things that were in my heart. You don't need to rehash all the problems and hate. You could just reach out for closure... 11 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Once she's gone, it can't be undone. You don't get a do-over. Be sure that you don't have regrets about not making peace with her. Since you're torn about this, I'd suggest that you go. At least you'll always know you tried or, at the very least, that you were there. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted August 2, 2016 Author Share Posted August 2, 2016 I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine. A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 I'm sorry that you're mom is dying. I'm also sorry that she never turned around and became the mother you needed You tried, more than most would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine. A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred. You made the effort and did what you could. You're blameless. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Aniela Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 I'm so sorry. I think it's great that you at least tried. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine. A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred. The trauma might hit you a few days down the road, or after the funeral. The grief might be weird, complex and unexpected. Try not to hide from it. Just anticipate it happening so when it hits in weird waves, you'll know to surf instead of drown. I am also expecting a strange and complex grief over my father. Yoir mother never really knew you Woggle. Anyone whose issues are that deep and dehumanizing that she repeatedly INVESTED in, could not possibly have seen you as a whole, impressionable person. Her lenses were too dark. Don't fear that her judgment of you is correct ever. Even if by the law of averages she was right about a thing or two, never accept her broader picture as being accurate. Unfortunately, someone the only way attitudes like hers pass is through death. Good for you for breaking that chain forever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Frankly Woggle, your mother has been very sick for a long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 You did the right thing. I'm sorry things are the way they are. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 You tried, Woggle. You can be at peace now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 Thank you everybody for your support and I am also sorry for the hateful generalizations I used to make. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mmmike Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) I have gotten word that my mother is very sick and might have only months if not weeks. I am wondering if I should attempt to get in contact with her. I feel that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where old woman hating me is in the rearview mirror and I never want to go back to being that filled with rage and hate. I know how triggering dealing with her can be. It brings out the worst in me and I become just like her. On the other hand I don't want her to die with us not speaking or having no relationship at all. It's sad if she dies with nothing whatsoever being resolved. Should I just continue to completely wash my hands of her? Consider being calm, wishing her well, and being kind. Even if just from a distance. Remind yourself that this is a dying woman. My father was an alcoholic and horrible to my mom, brother and I my whole life. In 2010 he died of lung cancer. I never shed a tear. In the weeks prior he was mean, moody, would verbally attack me at certain points. He had been nasty to me his whole life. While he was sick I just calmly told him I wish him well and I hope he feels better and I'm thinking of him. The fact is, he was dying and very bitter about it. I reminded myself of this fact even when I felt angry at him on the inside but I never lost my cool outwardly at the end of his life. I have no regrets for staying a class act when he died. I hope you feel better and make whatever decision you feel is right for your situation. Good luck. After he died, I didn't attend his funeral. There was no reason to at that point and I don't regret it. Edited August 4, 2016 by mmmike Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Woggle, you have thru the years evolved , improved and been the better person. My bio dad and your mom both carry that same theme towards genders/offspring. you are choosing a better path. the cycle is broken,that is a good thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 You tried mate. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 I have gotten word that my mother is very sick and might have only months if not weeks. I am wondering if I should attempt to get in contact with her. I feel that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where old woman hating me is in the rearview mirror and I never want to go back to being that filled with rage and hate. I know how triggering dealing with her can be. It brings out the worst in me and I become just like her. On the other hand I don't want her to die with us not speaking or having no relationship at all. It's sad if she dies with nothing whatsoever being resolved. Should I just continue to completely wash my hands of her? You do what is best for you. If that means seeing or speaking to her then do it so you can have a clear state of mind, be the bigger person and make peace with her on your end (doubtful she will give you the same in return) and not feel any guilt. Or if staying away brings you peace, then stay away. Your mom is toxic and has so many issues that have nothing to do with you, my worry is, you'll go and she'll shi.t all over you again. Can you handle that? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine. A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred. Ah I see this update. She is and always have been a miserable depressed, angry person. Nothing to do with you. You did what a good son would do, try and sadly she ruined a chance to make amends with you. Shame on her. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 I gave her a call and she started being abusive again so I hung up and that is that. I tried over and over again to repair things because I know she can't be happy with all that rage and hatred inside of her and it is her sick way of fighting back against the people who mistreated her but she will never change. She told me the one regret she has in life is giving birth to her oppressor because that is what every man is and me being her son doesn't change that. She is going to take this hate to the grave and that is her problem and not mine. A few years ago that would have made me freak out and I would have started doubting my own marriage and I have become hateful towards which meant spreading those views on this forum but today it is different. I feel sorry for her that she has lived a life of misery while I threw off the chains of hatred. In spite of her reaction, your call may have meant more to her than you know, though. But sadly, it appears she has programmed herself. Link to post Share on other sites
kimberlyclark Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Take care of your mom, she will be fine soon. God bless you. Link to post Share on other sites
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