Is she in for my dad's money?

[Lorenza]

Hey everybody,

 

I had another thread where I expressed my concerns my own discomfort due to my dad's girlfriend and her child moving in with us, but now I am more and more worried about my dad.

 

He is a grown up and can make his own decisions, but trust me - when he is in love he's completely blind and have done stupid things for women in the past. Those decisions left him broke and on the verge of becoming an alcoholic.

 

He has already had a younger girlfriend who was in for his money and left him after she sucked it all out. That woman was cheating on him while living with him and telling her lovers she was with him just because he had a lease on a fancy house they lived in. She was cold and manipulative with my dad and he slowly started drinking to numb everything down. When they finally broke up, he was very down for a long long time. Took several years till he got back up.

 

Now he found himself a younger girlfriend again and acts just as recklessly as before. As if he hasn't learnt anything. She is in another country, unemployed at the moment (though she has high education) and they have only met once. They talk on phone constantly.

 

My dad has recently bough her tickets to come here and stay with him for 1,5 months (without her 8 years old daughter). But here comes a red flag for me - despite my dad spending so much money on her travel, she asked him to buy her shoes (cause she apparently has no comfortable shoes to travel with) and a dress for her daughter cause she will attend a party. My dad bought it all and much more and sent her a package. It's already a third package he sent her, always with loads of presents for both her and her daughter. And she has the heart to ask for more?? I'm very alarmed at this point.

 

I almost hope that she will stay here (her first time abroad) and after getting to travel and live in a European big city she'll disappear. I really hope so. Cause if she will decide to come and live here, my dad will have to support her and her child for at least a year, because she doesn't speak any foreign language, not even English and will have to attend school. My dad is seriously in dept and doesn't even try to start paying it off. If he brings her here, situation is gonna get even worse and I'm afraid she will leech of off him until she finds someone better. I don't want to see my father broke and depressed again.

 

What should I do? I have a feeling this woman is in for money, presents and travel. If I mention anything to my dad, he gets very upset. He never talks about such things openly.

 

Btw this women is 34 and my dad is 50. This woman is literally just 7 years older than me and is way younger than my dad's little sister. She is extremely good looking and my dad, even though he's kind and doesn't look 50, isn't a youngster anymore. What does she really want? Maybe an easy link to Europe?? She also is liking pictures of other guys on social medias, guys who are from the same country as us, but locals.

 

I'm so worried about my dad getting ripped off! He works hard and hasn't seen anything good in his life. They were poor while with my mom, then he got himself in dept with the next woman (his own fault though, tried to keep up too high standard to impress her), a third one sucked out his money and left him, and now...??

[Lorenza]

And before someone says "It's none of your business, your dad is a grown up and can take care of himself" - yes it's my business. I don't want to hear him say that he doesn't want to live, see him drinking crazy amounts of alcohol again and lose his really good job again. My dad has considered suicide at various difficult points of his life. His own dad has committed suicide due to depression. So no, I can't stad by and watch if I have a bad feeling about this new woman.

[Cherryz]

YES! Your dad is a grown man, and it is his business!

And you are grown, arent you enjoying from your dads money and stuff also

instead of getting your own place at that age? Are you worry there will be less

money for you to enjoy if another women comes in?

Just asking, since you are a adult living with your dad.

 

Either-way your dad is a adult. He been true alot but seems like he never learn if what you saying is truth.

By trying to save him always he will never learn and you kind of enable him then.

You can only have a heart to heart with him calmly and warn him to watch out.

Dont attack him! Just have a small talk and voice your concern about what you telling us then let it go.

 

And i think if you care much about your dad why haven't you help him or try to get him

in therapy or come with a plan so he can get his finance right again when he was single?

You seem only worried when he got a new gf.

Some people bomb their head 1000 times before they learn.

He is a grown man, you can only advice him. its up to him what he do with it and with his money.

[Lorenza]

YES! Your dad is a grown man, and it is his business!

And you are grown, arent you enjoying from your dads money and stuff also

instead of getting your own place at that age? Are you worry there will be less

money for you to enjoy if another women comes in?

Just asking, since you are a adult living with your dad.

 

Either-way your dad is a adult. He been true alot but seems like he never learn if what you saying is truth.

By trying to save him always he will never learn and you kind of enable him then.

You can only have a heart to heart with him calmly and warn him to watch out.

Dont attack him! Just have a small talk and voice your concern about what you telling us then let it go.

 

And i think if you care much about your dad why haven't you help him or try to get him

in therapy or come with a plan so he can get his finance right again when he was single?

You seem only worried when he got a new gf.

Some people bomb their head 1000 times before they learn.

He is a grown man, you can only advice him. its up to him what he do with it and with his money.

 

What a hostile post, I'm surprised.

 

I'm not concerned about him having a new girlfriend, he broke up with his previous one in spring and we got along just fine. They've been together for years (with an exception when he left her for a younger woman and came back to her after that younger woman left him broke). Even though he got himself in dept while with this woman, it wasn't her fault. I thought of her as family and she helped me put him back on his feet while he was depressed. So no, I don't have problems with him having girlfriends though I admit I had a little hope he will get back together with mom since they started talking after his breakup. But but.

 

Define "enjoying" my dads money? He helps me out sometimes as a thanks for me helping him out as well. I don't feel guilty for taking that money since I paid off a huge dept he made on my name while he was depressed (related to a car he has on my name). I paid his dept with my own savings and that left a 20-something immigrant me completely lost. So it's kinda fair he helps me out with food and some extras while my new started business is still progressing and I invest more than I gain yet. I pay half of rent, internet, cable, I clean and cook dinner for my dad when he is home.

Besides it is normal to help your biological child financially.

 

Lol, get my dad in therapy I can barely say a word about his problems withour him shutting off completely.

[BlueIris]

I'm sorry to hear that he shuts down if you talk to him about it, but that's the only solution. You’re not going to be able to keep the women away. Your dad has to change. Your dad is using financial lures so he is getting involved with people who want money. Until he stops using money and gifts to attract women and keep women this will just continue.

[Els]

I hate to break this to you, but your dad isn't 'getting ripped off'. My guess is that he is well aware of the trade-off he is making for a woman 16 years younger than him. He might not want to talk about it with you, but it doesn't mean he doesn't know it. Especially as he has gone for the exact same type of woman before. He just doesn't want to give up on being able to have a good-looking younger woman in his bed.

 

You can't save people from themselves. Just be there for him when the fallout comes, if you want to.

[Blanco]

I think men of financial means who date younger women are, to some degree, aware that their money is a draw. It may not be the only thing pulling the woman toward him, but it cannot be denied that it doesn't usually hurt the man's appeal.

 

A lot of these guys use their financial situation as leverage in the attraction game, too, whether it's implied or explicitly stated. My one ex is dating an older guy who makes a vastly superior income to her. He was dropping hints at the prospect of weekend getaways around the country or vacations overseas on their first date.

 

Why? Because for a lot of these guys, even if they can entice a younger woman, there's often a sense of insecurity. They think (rightfully so), that the woman is probably capable of pulling in someone closer to her age who is maybe more attractive and has more in common. At that point, the older man's status becomes his ace in the hole, and he's usually not afraid to pull that card if it means having a younger, sexy woman hanging off his arm.

[UpwardForward]

Women can be opportunists regardless of age difference.

 

Apparently your father lost much of his money on the last two women, and now a third. And so, the pattern.

 

You could advise him that women shouldn't be considered as a means of fulfillment, and that he should find contentment (within his self and life) until the right woman comes along. A woman of similar financial means and respect for your father .. and money.

 

If you warn him, you will have done all you can. If he doesn't listen to you - it would seem that w/o a bank account, he is destined to a life of depression and unpaid credit cards.

[Lorenza]

@Blanco

 

You made a lot of sense. I guess I haven't thought about it from that prospective. Pretty sure that my dad feels empowered by being able to buy gifts to that woman and her kid as his self-esteem has always depended on how much he can buy (but not for himself, he only likes to buy things for others, maybe my dad feels like a better, more capable person that way).

 

I get that many younger women are attracted to older men for sense of security and money does just that - gives power and makes the ones who have them trustworthy, caring, successful. But I hope that's not the only thing that woman likes about my dad and that she appreciates his personality too.

At the end of the day she can be in it for whatever reasons as long as she respects and cares for dad and doesn't run away as soon as she warms up her feet in this country.

 

@UpwardForward

 

Yes, my dad didn't even consider older women while he was joining all kinds of dating sites. Sometimes I would watch him swipe on Tinder or Badoo and he had his age limit up to 42 years old and swipe left any woman who wasn't really good looking. Sometimes a fairly good looking woman would appear, but maybe on the heavier side or with more wrinkles and he would swipe left and I'd be like: "Why?? She is nice looking, with decent career and sounds intelligent, you shouldn't just look for the outside, dad, that's immature of you!" And he'd be like: "Naah, she's not beautiful enough, look at her face" and that would make me facepalm.

 

I think it has something to do that he just turned 50 and is bothered by it. So he wants someone young and beautiful by his side as if it's gonna freeze the time. I've warned him and asked a lot of questions about his girlfriend, like: "Did she ask for presents? How did she act when you met? Is she willing to work when she moves here?" etc etc. He claims we won't do the same mistakes again and all in all that woman sounds decent, but we'll see. When she comes here I will be very careful with her to do a good judgment on her character

[Lorenza]

I hate to break this to you, but your dad isn't 'getting ripped off'. My guess is that he is well aware of the trade-off he is making for a woman 16 years younger than him. He might not want to talk about it with you, but it doesn't mean he doesn't know it. Especially as he has gone for the exact same type of woman before. He just doesn't want to give up on being able to have a good-looking younger woman in his bed.

 

You can't save people from themselves. Just be there for him when the fallout comes, if you want to.

 

Maybe you're right, he can't be that naive. Probably my dad is more than happy to buy all those things if he will have such a beautiful woman by his side and be proud telling everyone it's his girlfriend. Maybe he's even aware of the possibility to be left alone after she comes here, since he told me he will make a contract with her before she moves in with him (in the contract it will state that the things he buys for his money for common household are his, since his previous younger girlfriend took a lot of stuff claiming that he bought the for her, even though it was for common use)

[UpwardForward]

@Blanco

 

@UpwardForward

 

Yes, my dad didn't even consider older women while he was joining all kinds of dating sites. Sometimes I would watch him swipe on Tinder or Badoo and he had his age limit up to 42 years old and swipe left any woman who wasn't really good looking. Sometimes a fairly good looking woman would appear, but maybe on the heavier side or with more wrinkles and he would swipe left and I'd be like: "Why?? She is nice looking, with decent career and sounds intelligent, you shouldn't just look for the outside, dad, that's immature of you!" And he'd be like: "Naah, she's not beautiful enough, look at her face" and that would make me facepalm.

 

I think it has something to do that he just turned 50 and is bothered by it. So he wants someone young and beautiful by his side as if it's gonna freeze the time. I've warned him and asked a lot of questions about his girlfriend, like: "Did she ask for presents? How did she act when you met? Is she willing to work when she moves here?" etc etc. He claims we won't do the same mistakes again and all in all that woman sounds decent, but we'll see. When she comes here I will be very careful with her to do a good judgment on her character

 

What your father is going through and with the fleecing, can happen - regardless of age or beauty of a woman.

 

Sad that you are put through having a stranger come to live, and w/o knowing her beforehand.

 

Sounds as if your father will be alright, as long as his money and patience doesn't run out.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, your one saving grace might be the fact that even though your father thinks he deserves a young beautiful woman at the age of 50, he's probably not keen on what usually comes WITH young beautiful women - young children.

 

It's one thing to go to the department store and buy a fancy dress to send to her kid whose miles away, but quite another to have to DEAL with an 8 year old on a daily basis. If it ever gets to the point where he ships her and her daughter out to live with you all for their 'happily ever after,' I think it's going to be real short-lived with a kid around.

[Tayla]

It's okay to have your family's back. It's what we do!

 

I'm glad you see the freighttrain that is heading right towards your father.

 

I disagree with the myob mentality... I interceded on behalf of my aunt and uncle when a shyster was trying to bam boozle them!

 

I'm old school and consider it healthy to tend to our family ...

 

How the Hun does this chick get stuff if she does not even speak his language. ? Is your dad that well educated that he knows so many languages?

 

I think your Dad is lonely and needs a more well rounded life.. Not a well rounded moocher.

[basil67]

If I recall correctly, your dad has a whole lot of unpaid debt and you're helping him hide his money. What if he used that money to pay of his debt? Then he wouldn't have money for her to chase and he'd be able to hold his head high in respect to how he's dealt with his debt. Win/win.

[Lorenza]

Well, your one saving grace might be the fact that even though your father thinks he deserves a young beautiful woman at the age of 50, he's probably not keen on what usually comes WITH young beautiful women - young children.

 

It's one thing to go to the department store and buy a fancy dress to send to her kid whose miles away, but quite another to have to DEAL with an 8 year old on a daily basis. If it ever gets to the point where he ships her and her daughter out to live with you all for their 'happily ever after,' I think it's going to be real short-lived with a kid around.

 

He loves children. One of his gf had two daughters, 3 and 6 at the time and he took on the father role immediately. To the point the girls started calling him dad 6 months later. Like seriously, he put a lot of heart into those girls and into a son of his recent ex, even he wasn't that young. So I don't think it's a problem for him and not at all a price to pay for a young girlfriend

[Lorenza]

It's okay to have your family's back. It's what we do!

 

I'm glad you see the freighttrain that is heading right towards your father.

 

I disagree with the myob mentality... I interceded on behalf of my aunt and uncle when a shyster was trying to bam boozle them!

 

I'm old school and consider it healthy to tend to our family ...

 

How the Hun does this chick get stuff if she does not even speak his language. ? Is your dad that well educated that he knows so many languages?

 

I think your Dad is lonely and needs a more well rounded life.. Not a well rounded moocher.

 

Yeah, in my family we all get into each others bussiness, that's perfectly normal (though sometimes can get overprotective, hehe)

 

She does speak the language, she's from the same country as we originally come from (my dad emmigrated 15 years ago and I - 9 years ago)

 

Still hoping she has some decent intentions though, dad looks younger and is super fun person, so fingers crossed it's one the main factors dragging her here and that she will be fair enough to leave him without sucking out his money, in case she won't find him attractive

[Lorenza]

If I recall correctly, your dad has a whole lot of unpaid debt and you're helping him hide his money. What if he used that money to pay of his debt? Then he wouldn't have money for her to chase and he'd be able to hold his head high in respect to how he's dealt with his debt. Win/win.

 

Hehe, nah I would never backstab him like that, besides it's nowhere near enough to cover his debt.

[UpwardForward]

Hehe, nah I would never backstab him like that, besides it's nowhere near enough to cover his debt.

 

It's not backstabbing if you suggest it to him. If debt continues to climb, would he do bankruptcy or return to his country?

[Lorenza]

It's not backstabbing if you suggest it to him. If debt continues to climb, would he do bankruptcy or return to his country?

 

I don't receive his personal bills and have no idea how much he owes, to what banks and how much he's supposed to pay each month. No details whatsoever. Besides I can't just take his money and pay on my own initiative, he's not gonna thank me I'm sure. He won't even talk to me about it or tell what his plan is. Last time I nagged him to take actions he told me to go do my own stuff and leave him in peace then didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening.

[basil67]

I don't receive his personal bills and have no idea how much he owes, to what banks and how much he's supposed to pay each month. No details whatsoever. Besides I can't just take his money and pay on my own initiative, he's not gonna thank me I'm sure. He won't even talk to me about it or tell what his plan is. Last time I nagged him to take actions he told me to go do my own stuff and leave him in peace then didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening.

 

Yet you keep helping him by hiding his money. You actually do have power to get him to do the right thing.

[Lorenza]

Yet you keep helping him by hiding his money. You actually do have power to get him to do the right thing.

 

I don't think you understand what you're saying. "Go against your dad's will and do the right thing" yeah right. I'm definitely gonna continue having great relationship with my dad after leaving him on the so called survival minimum here (that's what he'd get and that would cover rent and food and that's about it). But the most important is to teach the only family member you have close a lesson and make them owe to their actions, isn't it. Give me a break.

[salparadise]

And before someone says "It's none of your business, your dad is a grown up and can take care of himself" - yes it's my business. I don't want to hear him say that he doesn't want to live, see him drinking crazy amounts of alcohol again and lose his really good job again. My dad has considered suicide at various difficult points of his life. His own dad has committed suicide due to depression. So no, I can't stad by and watch if I have a bad feeling about this new woman.

 

 

I do have empathy for you in the sense that you want the best for your dad, and don't want to see him suffer... but how can you not see the bigger picture. You're like an overprotective parent... parenting your parent, second guessing his decisions, monitoring his money, choosing his girlfriends.

 

Why are you not off making a life of your own at age 27? This is YOUR fundamental problem.

 

This whole deal of taking care of your father, the illusion of having control over your life by trying to control his, is just insane. You're like the enabling wife of an alcoholic, except he's your father, not your husband.

 

I agree that he shouldn't be trying to buy the affections of younger, money-grubbing women. They're only going to hang around until the money runs out or they find a better deal... which they're always on the lookout for. But beyond perhaps saying that to him, you can't control much at all. And who knows how things will turn out - maybe true love will find him.

 

I think you're jealous and protective of him. You want to be #1 in his life, you're enmeshed, an enabler, and any woman who comes along is seen by you as an interloper. I think you just need to get a life and quit trying to live his for him.

[Lorenza]

I do have empathy for you in the sense that you want the best for your dad, and don't want to see him suffer... but how can you not see the bigger picture. You're like an overprotective parent... parenting your parent, second guessing his decisions, monitoring his money, choosing his girlfriends.

 

Why are you not off making a life of your own at age 27? This is YOUR fundamental problem.

 

This whole deal of taking care of your father, the illusion of having control over your life by trying to control his, is just insane. You're like the enabling wife of an alcoholic, except he's your father, not your husband.

 

I agree that he shouldn't be trying to buy the affections of younger, money-grubbing women. They're only going to hang around until the money runs out or they find a better deal... which they're always on the lookout for. But beyond perhaps saying that to him, you can't control much at all. And who knows how things will turn out - maybe true love will find him.

 

I think you're jealous and protective of him. You want to be #1 in his life, you're enmeshed, an enabler, and any woman who comes along is seen by you as an interloper. I think you just need to get a life and quit trying to live his for him.

 

Omg, why did I even post this thread.

 

How many times do I have to emphasize that I don't live AT my dad's being 27, this place is shared and I have the lease on it, I have FOUND the place by myself and my dad came up with a plan to share it. Why is that such a fundamental problem? Finding a place to live in this Scandinavium capital is problematic af and it's not like I'm back at my parent's house. So please, all the posters should stop making this into what it's not. This forum is like one big guilt tripping by what everybody comes up with.

 

Really?? I don't want to be number 1 in my FATHER'S life that's disgusting. He is a dad and not a boyfriend, for Christ's sake. His previous girlfriend was like family to me. I am worried about this new girlfriend because the last one that was similar to this one drove my dad to alcoholism and depression. That's what I'm afraid of.

And if you read my thread you'll find me hoping that this woman is decent and that all is gonna be alright.

[darkmoon]

if he was a boyf to any/some women here, they would be saying how great he is, mmm...

Edited August 10, 2016 by darkmoon

[UpwardForward]

if he was a boyf to any/some women here, they would be saying how great he is, mmm...

 

I believe two people in these 2nd 3rd 4th marriages/relationships should have comparative financial means, so that if something happens to one, the other is still taken care of by their own means.

 

Otherwise, offspring's inheritance being eaten up by trashy opportunists.