2 yr relationship questionable

[nmac]

Please help provide some insight friends. I am a 41 year old woman in a two year relationship with a 40 year old man. We are both divorced and both have custody of our kids (he has two and I have one special needs).

 

While my divorce was peaceful and I am able to co-parent with my ex-husband really well and schedule well he cannot. His ex has been taken to court for this but nothing has changed. In two years we have yet to take any type of vacation together (even a weekend one) or spend one Holiday together because his ex-wife always manages to change her plans, cancel, not call, not show up, show up late or cause a bunch of drama and hissy fits and starts crying.

 

They simply cannot get along or get it together. In any event, he managed to get her to sign off papers to allow the children to go away with him for a little over a month to Algeria, Africa to spend a little over half the summer with family at his moms estate. I could not go, especially for a month, as my daughter is Autistic and attends a summer program and I have to work and do not have that kind of vacation time.

 

I feel embarrassed that I have put so much into this relationship and I treat him well and his kids and he found it so easy to just go off for that long and not take into consideration that WE have not done anything together with our kids and he has not mentioned any plans for us as a group (meaning me, him and our kids),

 

He does not treat me badly, he treats me well and tells me I am his world but this trip to me is not a representation of that at all. We work at the same firm, but different floors and we commute to work and home together every day and try to see each other on weekends, but his ex-wife makes it impossible to plan anything and I feel that he has not put his foot down with her enough in that respect as well and he just ends up saying "what am I supposed to do, she is an imbecile and incapable of anything or keeping her word?"

 

Needless to say, I am sad and confused because I am really not feeling him or this situation at the moment and I do not know what to do. Please give me any advice you can friends. Thank you so much!

Edited August 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[Toodaloo]

Oh I can empathise.

 

But what can he do? He has already gone to court. That hasn't worked out so all he can do is keep going back and spending all his money on court fees...

 

If he treats you well and you enjoy being with him I think you just have to accept that you can't do everything together.

 

He probably finds the constant battle with his ex draining and constantly trying to reschedule, juggle seeing you and spending time with his kids a drain.

 

So for once he is able to know this is what he is doing and this is where he will be on these days.

 

If I were you I would make the most of it and enjoy having some time that is not being ripped apart by his ex.

 

Sorry to say that this situation is not going to change. Ever. So you either accept it or throw him back in the pond. I am afraid it is that simple.

[nmac]

Thank you Toodaloo for your honesty.

 

 

Oh I can empathise.

 

But what can he do? He has already gone to court. That hasn't worked out so all he can do is keep going back and spending all his money on court fees...

 

If he treats you well and you enjoy being with him I think you just have to accept that you can't do everything together.

 

He probably finds the constant battle with his ex draining and constantly trying to reschedule, juggle seeing you and spending time with his kids a drain.

 

So for once he is able to know this is what he is doing and this is where he will be on these days.

 

If I were you I would make the most of it and enjoy having some time that is not being ripped apart by his ex.

 

Sorry to say that this situation is not going to change. Ever. So you either accept it or throw him back in the pond. I am afraid it is that simple.

[Gloria25]

Sorry, but there's nothing you can do to improve this.

 

That's why with age dating gets harder, cuz people have divorces, kids, baggage, and exes.

 

All you can do is accept it is what it is. He needs to be there for his child and his child shouldn't have to suffer because his ex wants to play games.

 

Recommendation? Next time if you're dating a guy with exes and kids, don't let the ex and/or the kids know you're dating. Keep it on the downlow. Cuz for sure, the exes are gonna start drama. Besides, the kids don't need the drama.

 

Or better yet, don't date a guy with minor kids and/or grown kids who still are attached to the umbilical cord.

[nmac]

Thank you for your honesty Gloria25. The kids hate the back and forth. One is 13 this Sunday and the other will be 16 in October. They really like me and they are at an age where they confess to their mom being inconsistent, unreliable and "really in her feelings", but when they tell her they want to stay home with dad and she gives them a pretty horrible guilt trip (with crying and telling them that she had them in her stomach for 9 months etc...) then disappears for weeks and then calls up again and acts like nothing ever happened. This drives the kids and my boyfriend nuts. I feel bad for them, but this is no way to live life, for anyone.

 

 

Sorry, but there's nothing you can do to improve this.

 

That's why with age dating gets harder, cuz people have divorces, kids, baggage, and exes.

 

All you can do is accept it is what it is. He needs to be there for his child and his child shouldn't have to suffer because his ex wants to play games.

 

Recommendation? Next time if you're dating a guy with exes and kids, don't let the ex and/or the kids know you're dating. Keep it on the downlow. Cuz for sure, the exes are gonna start drama. Besides, the kids don't need the drama.

 

Or better yet, don't date a guy with minor kids and/or grown kids who still are attached to the umbilical cord.

[Gloria25]

Thank you for your honesty Gloria25. The kids hate the back and forth. One is 13 this Sunday and the other will be 16 in October. They really like me and they are at an age where they confess to their mom being inconsistent, unreliable and "really in her feelings", but when they tell her they want to stay home with dad and she gives them a pretty horrible guilt trip (with crying and telling them that she had them in her stomach for 9 months etc...) then disappears for weeks and then calls up again and acts like nothing ever happened. This drives the kids and my boyfriend nuts. I feel bad for them, but this is no way to live life, for anyone.

 

Well, IMO, you shouldn't be in the picture. If the kids didn't meet you, the ex would have no reason to pressure and guilt trip them into hating you. And, even if she stinks, she's still their mother. They, right now are in the middle of having feelings for you and loyalty to their mom.

 

IMO, if people want to date and they have kids, they should never introduce the person they're dating to their kids. Once the kids are 18, up and out, ok, then date marry - make it official. The kids need the parent's full time attention.

[nmac]

Well, IMO, you shouldn't be in the picture. If the kids didn't meet you, the ex would have no reason to pressure and guilt trip them into hating you. And, even if she stinks, she's still their mother. They, right now are in the middle of having feelings for you and loyalty to their mom.

 

IMO, if people want to date and they have kids, they should never introduce the person they're dating to their kids. Once the kids are 18, up and out, ok, then date marry - make it official. The kids need the parent's full time attention.

You are certainly entitled to that. I feel differently. My exhusband and my boyfriend get along swimmingly and yes she stinks and you cannot hold a conversation with her, I tried and it went to crap. 18 and up is just ridiculous because all kids do not necessarily go away to college and when they do they come home on break. You should not have to hide someone you love and want to share a life with on account of a pathetic stinky mom who thinks it is okay to play games and mess with the minds of children. The kids already see her for who she is but love her because that is their mother ... but they certainly don't go looking for her. She just comes around when she wants to throw wrenches whenever she feels like it and that is the truth.

[nmac]

Well, IMO, you shouldn't be in the picture. If the kids didn't meet you, the ex would have no reason to pressure and guilt trip them into hating you. And, even if she stinks, she's still their mother. They, right now are in the middle of having feelings for you and loyalty to their mom.

 

IMO, if people want to date and they have kids, they should never introduce the person they're dating to their kids. Once the kids are 18, up and out, ok, then date marry - make it official. The kids need the parent's full time attention.

And I do not look at this as "dating" ... we have been in an exclusive "relationship" for two years ... so "dating" for two years is certainly not classified as an in and out thing. Its two busy parents with kids trying to make whatever time they can for each other and that sometimes includes the kids being around with us and all of us trying to get to know one another and have a good time.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are hurting like this. I can understand you have had enough of all the messing about and need something for yourself. I can understand him wanting to visit his family and to take time over it because it is a long way to go. Were you invited for part of the time? I can appreciate it is not that straightforward for you. Having an autistic child presents challenges and I know them well.

 

It sounds like you have a lot on and a lot of pressures and the pressures and drama in his life are not helping you. You need more of his time, his understanding, and less of the hassle. It doesn't sound like he's able to do anything about the hassle. He doesn't really appreciate how much you have coped with or that you need a break too.

 

You could try talking to him about how you feel but from the sound of it you have already done this. Is this the kind of relationship you want ultimately? Is he the one for you? He might have a lot in his favour but there is a lot against too.

[Gloria25]

And I do not look at this as "dating" ... we have been in an exclusive "relationship" for two years ... so "dating" for two years is certainly not classified as an in and out thing. Its two busy parents with kids trying to make whatever time they can for each other and that sometimes includes the kids being around with us and all of us trying to get to know one another and have a good time.

 

Yes, we're all entitled to our opinions and mine is, I don't get into situations where guys have kids and baggage. While my needs are important in a RL, I don't believe that they come over the needs of kids.

 

I especially will not stay in the picture if my presence was making the children's lives worse cuz of a toxic and abusive ex.

 

Think of it as working in a hostile working environment. Are you gonna stick around and fight them, wasting your time and resources, or are you gonna cut your losses and get another job.

 

Some things can't be fixed and we should either accept it as is, leave...or better yet, never put ourselves in that situation in the first place.

 

A few months back I went on a date with a single dad. Just took me so that one date to see the red flags. Another? He was talking how his 2nd wife fights with his first wife and nah, I stepped away from that one. Life isn't the Brady Bunch. People with kids and exes are gonna have drama. Either be the "hamburger on the weekend girl" until the kids are 18, up and out...or, go ahead and have your relationship" and when drama comes, don't act surprised.

[nmac]

Yes, we're all entitled to our opinions and mine is, I don't get into situations where guys have kids and baggage. While my needs are important in a RL, I don't believe that they come over the needs of kids.

 

I especially will not stay in the picture if my presence was making the children's lives worse cuz of a toxic and abusive ex.

 

Think of it as working in a hostile working environment. Are you gonna stick around and fight them, wasting your time and resources, or are you gonna cut your losses and get another job.

 

Some things can't be fixed and we should either accept it as is, leave...or better yet, never put ourselves in that situation in the first place.

 

A few months back I went on a date with a single dad. Just took me so that one date to see the red flags. Another? He was talking how his 2nd wife fights with his first wife and nah, I stepped away from that one. Life isn't the Brady Bunch. People with kids and exes are gonna have drama. Either be the "hamburger on the weekend girl" until the kids are 18, up and out...or, go ahead and have your relationship" and when drama comes, don't act surprised.

noone is putting kids before themselves here. i adore them and we very much like each other. so i dont know where that came from. there mother would do this with any woman that would come into her ex-husbands life honestly. sometimes a man or woman is worth it and that is what i am working to figure out because i have never been in this situation. but, despite your analogy being absurd, congratulations to you on your personal dealings and escapes, as you sound like a very happy, non-judgemental and positive person.

Edited August 2, 2016 by nmac
mispell

[nmac]

I am sorry you are hurting like this. I can understand you have had enough of all the messing about and need something for yourself. I can understand him wanting to visit his family and to take time over it because it is a long way to go. Were you invited for part of the time? I can appreciate it is not that straightforward for you. Having an autistic child presents challenges and I know them well.

 

It sounds like you have a lot on and a lot of pressures and the pressures and drama in his life are not helping you. You need more of his time, his understanding, and less of the hassle. It doesn't sound like he's able to do anything about the hassle. He doesn't really appreciate how much you have coped with or that you need a break too.

 

You could try talking to him about how you feel but from the sound of it you have already done this. Is this the kind of relationship you want ultimately? Is he the one for you? He might have a lot in his favour but there is a lot against too.

He is the sweetest, warmest father to his kids. They are such great kids, but their mom really makes them nuts and they have no problem telling her or anyone that but then they think she is a little crazy and needs help so they end up feeling bad for her. Me and my daughter were invited to the entire trip by him and his own mother who adores me, but I just couldnt go because of my circumstances. He wants to get married as well but I dont know what kind of life I will have. Its truly scary and I feel like there has got to be some way to put his foot down and it will really register with his ex at some point ... that is most likely wishful thinking and a hella lot of too much hope on my end. Thank you for your honesty and advice

[Gloria25]

noone is putting kids before themselves here. i adore them and we very much like each other. so i dont know where that came from. there mother would do this with any woman that would come into her ex-husbands life honestly. sometimes a man or woman is worth it and that is what i am working to figure out because i have never been in this situation. but, despite your analogy being absurd, congratulations to you on your personal dealings and escapes, as you sound like a very happy, non-judgemental and positive person.

 

Yes, his ex would do this with any woman. So I wouldn't wanna be that woman. If I left him and some other woman took my place and his ed started drama, at least I could rest knowing I didn't stick around to give the ex a reason to be mad. Let that be on some other woman's conscious.

 

And, I'm sorry, no man is worth it, if my presence is causing his ex to give him and his kids a hard time.

 

You can stick around, make demands that he put his foot down and fight his ex. Me? I would walk away and tell him to look me up when his kids are 18, up and gone cuz I wouldn't want him or his kids to suffer cuz his ex can't handle him moving on.

 

See, till the day she dies, she is their mother. She has power. So, you can play smarter or harder. I rather play smarter.

 

And his ex not liking you or any woman isn't gonna hold up in court. Unless you can get a counselor to evaluate the kids and prove to a court of law that they are being hurt, no court is gonna entertain petty squabbles.

[Mr. Lucky]

In any event, he managed to get her to sign off papers to allow the children to go away with him for a little over a month to Algeria, Africa to spend a little over half the summer with family at his moms estate. I could not go, especially for a month, as my daughter is Autistic and attends a summer program and I have to work and do not have that kind of vacation time. I feel embarrassed that I have put so much into this relationship and I treat him well and his kids and he found it so easy to just go off for that long and not take into consideration that WE have not done anything together with our kids and he has not mentioned any plans for us as a group (meaning me, him and our kids),

 

Sorry to disagree but it does seem to me he's doing the right thing by putting his kids and their needs first, just as I'd hope you're doing with yours. When you get involved with someone with kids, you have to accept the compromises children and ex's bring with them. It's easy for him to go for a month because he knows it's the right thing to do, your needs notwithstanding. Pick your fights carefully, this one you won't win...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodaloo]

Thank you Toodaloo for your honesty.

 

Sorry its not roses and peaches and cream but sadly some women out there are just not capable of being rational human beings when it comes to their exes.

 

I can empathise completely with you as I am in a similar situation. I am sorry to say that it is highly doubtful that I will be continuing with it.

 

Life is too short to have mine ruled by some crazy ex that I don't know, have never spoken to and never met... I don't want that woman in my life. He brings her into it and allows it to take over so...

 

I really feel for you. But the ex is his problem not yours and she has taken over your life. I would strongly suggest leaving and look for someone, who, like you has made better choice in the past and can co parent in a sensible way with their ex.

 

Its what I am thinking of doing. I don't need this drama in my life and I doubt you need it in yours. So during this break, enjoy it, think about it. Take your time and do what is right for you and your child.

[Miss Peach]

Sorry to disagree but it does seem to me he's doing the right thing by putting his kids and their needs first, just as I'd hope you're doing with yours. When you get involved with someone with kids, you have to accept the compromises children and ex's bring with them. It's easy for him to go for a month because he knows it's the right thing to do, your needs notwithstanding. Pick your fights carefully, this one you won't win...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is something BF and I have discussed a bit and are on the same page about. The kids are first. Having said that the partner is definitely a close second and if that isn't the case then there need to be some changes.

 

As for the mom, this isn't uncommon. Sometimes it is a truly toxic ex. Sometimes it's actually the partner who tries to make themselves out to be parent of the year but really isn't. I've seen both scenarios. If it's too much crazy drama you have every right to opt out of being involved. If your BF can't or won't shield you then you have the right to leave.

 

I make a few passing comments here and there about my ex when dd isn't around or asked for some support/listening but I never have dragged BFs into the drama.