High Functioning Alcoholic

[manheart1989]

Hello!

 

My boyfriend of 10 months is a high functioning alcoholic. Quite the introduction, right?

 

I wouldn't normally introduce him that way. He deserves better than that. He is the most attentive, affectionate, loyal, caring boyfriend I've ever had. He is a firefighter, he works hard, he loves family (and my family loves him), he has the biggest heart ever, he is funny, handsome, goes out of his way for me...I mean it when I say he is the whole package.

 

10 months ago, I met him when I almost gave up on dating. After countless failed relationships and bad dates, I had accepted my destiny of being single. Then there he was. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him. We were smitten. It was like living an episode of Sex & the City, I was Carrie and I met my Mr. Big.

 

10 months later, I can safely say the love is still strong and very mutual.

 

But there is always a but, isn't there? No one is perfect. We all have our vices. His happens to be 18 beers a day. He is a firefighter, so on shift he does not drink. He works 2 days and has 4 days off. This is not me making excuses for him.

 

He is fully functioning and I mean that in the way that you wouldn't know he is an alcoholic unless he told you, unless you woke up with him everyday...

 

He drinks 10-18 beers a day when he isn't working, sometimes more, sometimes less. He loves beer. That's his choice of poison. Sometimes vodka, but it's rare he drinks that. He is not abusive in any way. I never can tell he is even 18 beers deep. He doesn't complain of hangovers. He doesn't mumble words or walk uneasy. He hides it well. Is he hiding it?

 

He was married before. 10 years they were together. He is 33 and I'm 27 by the way. His marriage failed because she was distant. He called if off. They did get back together once after their divorce (a year later), but that is when she cheated. He left for good that time. Met me 3 months later. I know what you are thinking and I agree. It was fast.

 

First thing I noticed after we were dating for awhile was that he was depressed. There would be times he would cry in my arms. We are talking about a grown man's man...crying in my arms. I felt for him. I was there, I listened, I supported him. For awhile I thought he was crying over his ex. But no, he had been like this for awhile and after our puppy love settled, depression reared it's ugly head, along with his drinking. He did get on depression medication (he's been on it for 3-4 months now). Overall, it has helped a lot. He doesn't have those awful times where he falls into a black pit anymore. He even stopped drinking so much at first. Went from 18 beers to 2-3 a day. But that didn't last for long.

 

He says he has always been a drinker, since he was 18. He even admits he has a problem. He knows he is an alcoholic. His father was too. His father now doesn't drink anymore. He talks to me about his drinking and since starting depression medication, he has promised to try to drink less. But he told me he will never give it up completely. He enjoys it and can't imagine not drinking.

 

I guess I'm here because I want to help him. I can't imagine my life without him. But I also can't imagine a life with an alcoholic. I want to be there for him. I want to support him and I don't want to give up on him.

 

I'm here for better or worse. I just need some guidance. Advice, experience, compassion...anything.

Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed name to preserve anonymity

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I'm here because I want to help him.

 

Short answer - you can't. Only he can help himself.

 

There are those that would say even more - by enabling his alcoholism, you're actually hurting him. Pretty easy to continue drinking 18 beers + vodka a day when you've got an "understanding" woman providing a shoulder to cry on. When he misses a step on the side of a building at work, or crashes his car on the way to the liquor store, you'll have plenty of time for "what ifs".

 

Tough disease to fight and a very tricky situation to navigate. Attending Al-Anon meetings would give you a perspective the newness of your relationship prevents you from seeing.

 

Crying jags, depression and the toll that consumption takes on his body doesn't sound like "functioning" to me. I'm sure others will have more to offer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[manheart1989]

Maybe I needed to hear that. I didn't think about it that way. The last thing I want to do is enable him.

 

I supported him though the depression and still will, so I will continue to be the shoulder to cry on if he needs me.

 

But the alcoholism is hard to support. I have expressed my worries/concerns and told him I need to see that he is making an effort. He said he will and he has. But it never lasts long. He cuts back for a week and then resorts back to it.

 

We talked about it last night and it was a very mature conversation, but what scared me was how he said he never wants to give it up completely. I don't think he has hit "rock bottom" to make a big move. I don't want to babysit him and ask him how many drinks he has or when he is going to try to cut back. But I don't know what that leaves me? I can recall him asking me, "you have to decide if this is the life you want to live", which struck me odd and brought me here.

 

As far as drinking and driving, he is responsible in that aspect and does not drink and drive. If we go out for dinner and he drinks, I drive. He is a firefighter and would lose his job the minute he got a DUI and he is very aware of that and would never risk that, let alone put anyone in harms way.

[BlueIris]

I agree with Mr. Lucky. You can’t help him. Signing up TO help him is a very bad idea. You’ll end up as a nurse and policeman, not an equal partner with a trusting relationship in which you build a life together.

 

He has to firmly decide to overcome his problem before that will work and there is no getting around that.

 

I’d bet that at some level he is intoxicated at work, maybe even doing the sip to keep from shaking in the morning. I’ve known a few “high-functioning” alcoholics and that term usually meant that they are able to go to work. But active alcoholics are generally not emotionally high-functioning in relationships. They're generally the opposite- not honest, emotionally needy, and high-drama.

[CarrieT]

I am daughter and grand-daughter to alcoholics.

 

What brought me to this site in 2008 was the ending of a toxic relationship with a "functioning alcoholic."

 

We would make deals; he would only drink hard cider in the morning instead of vodka in his orange juice, I would get to book a hotel for myself on days when he drank Scotch because of the rage that would occur from that particular alcohol, he would stay out of my wine collection... (actually, that one was ignored when I came home from the gym one morning at 7:30 a.m. and found him drinking a rare $1,200 bottle that could not be replaced).

 

The bottom line is that you CANNOT help him. You can enable him, which is what you are already doing, but he will always chose the alcohol over you. He has already told you that.

 

His crying in your arms? That is future-faking: He is crying because he knows there will come a point where you can't take it anymore and you will leave him. Mine did that more than once. I hung on more than any other relationship in his life and even in the end, I couldn't hang on anymore.

 

There will come a point when you can't take it any more and just hope you aren't hurt as badly as I was when it finally does come to an end. Because - I believe - even YOU know it can't last...

[AMJ]

Is he drunk 4 days/week? It's true you cannot, never, will not help an alcoholic get sober. Only they can do that for themselves. If he's asking you to accept his drinking, he has absolutely no desire to stop drinking. And the drinking will only get worse. And his behavior, including his behavior towards you, will get worse as a result. Alcoholics think they can manage their drinking but eventually they can't. He's probably struggling now to stay sober the two days/week he is at work. Eventually that will catch up to him. Read up some al-anon literature if you don't want to go to a meeting.

 

It's a horrible disease, and I don't even like admitting it is a disease but it is. Addiction takes a huge toll on everyone who loves the addict. You don't want to stick around for when he hits rock bottom.

 

His marriage failed because she was distant? He was drunk all of the time! Of course she was distant.

 

It would be possible for you to be supportive IF he were ready to get sober and get help (rehab, AA, therapy). Even then it would be a difficult road that honestly it doesn't sound like you're ready for. But he's not. He's asking you to accept it. This isn't accepting a little flaw in your partner's character. Staying with him will impact your life in ways you can't even imagine- because if you knew how bad it will get, you'd run so far away right now.

 

Just the health issues alone he's going to have in ten years will be awful. Firefighters who don't drink have so many health issues because of the work they do. This is no small problem you have- you really need to get yourself some real help to figure this out.

[manheart1989]

Ah. The truth is tough to hear. Especially when you care for someone. I can't even imagine my life going in the opposite direction of him. It'd be a hard step to take.

 

I'm so sorry CarrieT that you went through that. Sounds draining. I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It's definitely eye opening.

 

I worry that one day if we were to have kids that they would see their dad drinking and think it's normal and carry that "normal" into their adult life.

 

Makes me wonder why his first marriage really failed...did she get tired of the drinking? I guess I'll never know.

[anika99]

I have been with the high functioning alcoholic. First of all you have to get over yourself and your romantic fantasies of rescuing him. You can't help or make an alcoholic stop drinking. The more you support an alcoholic the more you enable the alcoholism and the more you slip into codependence.

 

His statement of "you have to decide if this is the life you want to live" is profound and very clear. He is saying "if you're going to be with me then this is what you get, take it or leave it". He is correct as this is what it all boils down to. It's a gigantic mistake to get into a serious relationship with a man thinking you are going to fix him or change him. You either accept him as he is, alcoholism and all, or move along.

 

How much does his drinking affect you? Can you imagine yourself married to him? Having babies with him? Living day to day life with him, all while he is actively drinking? How much does his depression affect your daily life? Are you neglecting other relationships or not enjoying activities that you once enjoyed so that you can focus on "helping" him?

 

You say you want to support him in dealing with his depression but you don't support the drinking, but the two really go hand in hand. He drinks to deal with depression but alcohol is a depressant so it's actually exacerbating his depression. It's also very dangerous to mix anti-depression medication with alcohol. Look up Al-anon and attend some meetings. Some people (not many) do manage to stay with an alcoholic and still maintain their sense of wellbeing and happiness but they only manage to do that once they accept that they cannot change or control the alcoholic, they cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking and they cannot make the alcoholic the centre of their universe.

[manheart1989]

Drunk is the last word I would describe him to be. I've seen drunk, I've been drunk. He doesn't act "drunk". He just drinks a lot. Is it possible to drink a lot and not be drunk? But to your answer, yes, he drinks those 3-4 days off. Although, I don't see him drinking much the night before work. Drinking is forbidden on the job, so it'd be risky for him to do that and I'd be surprised if he did that.

 

Thanks for letting me know about the Al-Anon site, I'll definitely look into that.

 

This is all makes me very worried and scared about what my future holds. I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting a cure, a simple fix. But that's not the case.

 

Is there a way to convince someone to get help? An intervention? I don't want to give up on him.

 

 

 

Is he drunk 4 days/week? It's true you cannot, never, will not help an alcoholic get sober. Only they can do that for themselves. If he's asking you to accept his drinking, he has absolutely no desire to stop drinking. And the drinking will only get worse. And his behavior, including his behavior towards you, will get worse as a result. Alcoholics think they can manage their drinking but eventually they can't. He's probably struggling now to stay sober the two days/week he is at work. Eventually that will catch up to him. Read up some al-anon literature if you don't want to go to a meeting.

 

It's a horrible disease, and I don't even like admitting it is a disease but it is. Addiction takes a huge toll on everyone who loves the addict. You don't want to stick around for when he hits rock bottom.

 

His marriage failed because she was distant? He was drunk all of the time! Of course she was distant.

 

It would be possible for you to be supportive IF he were ready to get sober and get help (rehab, AA, therapy). Even then it would be a difficult road that honestly it doesn't sound like you're ready for. But he's not. He's asking you to accept it. This isn't accepting a little flaw in your partner's character. Staying with him will impact your life in ways you can't even imagine- because if you knew how bad it will get, you'd run so far away right now.

 

Just the health issues alone he's going to have in ten years will be awful. Firefighters who don't drink have so many health issues because of the work they do. This is no small problem you have- you really need to get yourself some real help to figure this out.

[manheart1989]

Thanks Anika.

 

You are right. I need to decide what is best for me. I need to decide if this is someone I want to marry and accept his fate. As it seems help is the last thing he wants!

 

Alcohol aside, he is everything I've ever wanted. It's scary knowing I might lose that one day.

 

I've reminded him that him drinking and taking anti-depressants is basically cancelling each other out. His answer was to stop the anti-depressants then. I wish he would see that it is the alcohol he needs to quit.

 

His drinking affects me enough to ask strangers what to do. As far as daily life, it doesn't change much for me, I still do things I love and not let this take over me. He waits to drink till I get home from work when he used to just start drinking at 11am. He is taking steps to drink less, but he doesn't want to cut it all out completely. Unfortunately, he doesn't see that as an option. It doesn't give me much to work with. And lately, it has raised a lot of questions.

 

I don't think alcoholics will ever just be able to have one drink. It's all or nothing.

 

 

I have been with the high functioning alcoholic. First of all you have to get over yourself and your romantic fantasies of rescuing him. You can't help or make an alcoholic stop drinking. The more you support an alcoholic the more you enable the alcoholism and the more you slip into codependence.

 

His statement of "you have to decide if this is the life you want to live" is profound and very clear. He is saying "if you're going to be with me then this is what you get, take it or leave it". He is correct as this is what it all boils down to. It's a gigantic mistake to get into a serious relationship with a man thinking you are going to fix him or change him. You either accept him as he is, alcoholism and all, or move along.

 

How much does his drinking affect you? Can you imagine yourself married to him? Having babies with him? Living day to day life with him, all while he is actively drinking? How much does his depression affect your daily life? Are you neglecting other relationships or not enjoying activities that you once enjoyed so that you can focus on "helping" him?

 

You say you want to support him in dealing with his depression but you don't support the drinking, but the two really go hand in hand. He drinks to deal with depression but alcohol is a depressant so it's actually exacerbating his depression. It's also very dangerous to mix anti-depression medication with alcohol. Look up Al-anon and attend some meetings. Some people (not many) do manage to stay with an alcoholic and still maintain their sense of wellbeing and happiness but they only manage to do that once they accept that they cannot change or control the alcoholic, they cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking and they cannot make the alcoholic the centre of their universe.

[AMJ]

I mean, if he's a big guy it will take a whole lot of light beer to make him act drunk. He may not look drunk to you, but his body craves a certain level of alcohol like a drug. For now he's drinking light beer, but the way it works is that over time his body craves more and more alcohol. Which means he'll likely start getting into heavier alcohol. Alcoholism gets worse over time. He started drinking at 18 but he didn't drink 15 beers 4 days/week back then.

 

When an alcoholic gets drunk it's different than when you get drunk. I am sorry for your situation and for him- I also wish there was a cure or simple fix. For me, that's why I get angry when people compare this to a disease like cancer...because when do you see cancer patients refusing treatment? It is a disease, but it's nothing like cancer.

 

Honestly, I've never personally heard of an intervention story that worked. If that's the route you want to go, have you talked to his parents, siblings, other people he is close to? You can't do that on your own. If it makes you feel better, consider that his wife of ten years probably tried very hard as well to get him to stop.

 

You can't have kids with an alcoholic, that's just nuts. If he gets sober and stays sober then you can go there. Both of my grandfathers and my father is an alcoholic, and I would never even think of dating a man with a drinking problem.

[anika99]

High functioning alcoholics are probably the most resistant to seeking help. An alcoholic who has completely destroyed their life, has no job, no relationships, can't get through the first hour of the day without drinking due to shaking and physical illness, has humiliated and embarrassed themselves on a regular basis is far more likely to see the need for rehabilitation.

 

I don't think your getting the message we're sending. We have all told you that you can't make your bf stop drinking and yet your last question is still along the lines of "how can I make him stop"? Sure arrange an intervention if you want but I don't think that will get you very far. Accept the alcoholism and stay with your BF or don't accept it and find someone else.

[anika99]

Thanks Anika.

 

You are right. I need to decide what is best for me. I need to decide if this is someone I want to marry and accept his fate. As it seems help is the last thing he wants!

 

Alcohol aside, he is everything I've ever wanted. It's scary knowing I might lose that one day.

 

I've reminded him that him drinking and taking anti-depressants is basically cancelling each other out. His answer was to stop the anti-depressants then. I wish he would see that it is the alcohol he needs to quit.

 

His drinking affects me enough to ask strangers what to do. As far as daily life, it doesn't change much for me, I still do things I love and not let this take over me. He waits to drink till I get home from work when he used to just start drinking at 11am. He is taking steps to drink less, but he doesn't want to cut it all out completely. Unfortunately, he doesn't see that as an option. It doesn't give me much to work with. And lately, it has raised a lot of questions.

 

I don't think alcoholics will ever just be able to have one drink. It's all or nothing.

 

You're right, alcoholics cannot drink alcohol at all. High functioning alcoholics are especially complicated because they don't seem to have the same level of physical dependency on alcohol as the low functioning alcoholic does. They can refrain from drinking when they need to and sometimes they will even quit drinking altogether for a short period of time just to prove to themselves or others that they can.

 

Alcoholics don't just need to quit drinking they also need to address the underlying issues that led them to drinking in the first place. If an alcoholic quits drinking but does nothing to address their repressed issues then you have a "dry drunk" which is essentially an alcoholic who is abstaining from alcohol but still has the mindset as an active alcoholic and who will turn to alcohol again. Your bf has told you that he doesn't ever want to quit drinking. That's because alcohol is his friend and he can't imagine his life without it. He would sooner lose you then lose his beer. My ex high functioning alcoholic felt like life was grey and depressing without alcohol. He would quit drinking and then get depressed and instead of working through that he would decide that drinking made him happier than not drinking and he'd go back to it. I was with him for 8yrs, haven't seen or heard from him in the last 13yrs but the last time I did hear about him he was still drinking.

[Mr. Lucky]

First of all you have to get over yourself and your romantic fantasies of rescuing him.

 

Well said. OP, your BF isn't a tragic hero, he's hell-bent on self-destruction at the expense of everything else, your relationship excluded. The more you try to put him #1 in your life, the more he clearly indicates you're #2. The bottle comes first.

 

As far as drinking and driving, he is responsible in that aspect and does not drink and drive. If we go out for dinner and he drinks, I drive. He is a firefighter and would lose his job the minute he got a DUI and he is very aware of that and would never risk that, let alone put anyone in harms way.

 

So you're confident someone addicted to a substance that erodes and impairs good judgment will exercise same in his decision making? Could be 99% true, but that 1% occasion can be a real life-changing event...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

Is there a way to convince someone to get help?

No. They have to make that decision for themselves and for no one else. He will never stop "for you." You might ask to talk to his Ex-Wife and get her side of the story. I'm willing to bet it was the alcohol that drove her away...

 

An intervention?

My Ex is son and grandson of casino-owners and the family is worth tens of millions of dollars. Twice his mother paid in excess of $60k for "treatment" and "an intervention." As I said, he and I ended our relationship in 2008 and despite his family's wealth and status AND his brilliance and ability, I know for a fact that he is living in a cockroach-infested hovel on skid row (the Tenderloin area of San Francisco, where drunks and the druggies can find dilapidated apartments).

 

I don't want to give up on him.

I didn't want to give up on my Ex as well. As I said, I was his longest relationship at 2 1/2 years. His mother begged me to not give up on her son, but there comes a point where you have to live for yourself and your own survival because you don't have the strength to keep another going.

 

That is what Al-Anon will teach you. Right now, you are an enabler as I was an enabler to my Ex and my Mother. The latter died of complications due to alcohol and I am sure that my Ex will also die young due to his abuse.

 

I am curious, OP. Does your BF ever get tested for his job or has he tried to get life insurance? Because I can guarantee that his liver numbers are shot and it is doubtful he could get life insurance if he is drinking as much as he is. Which means his job may be at jeopardy as well.

[No_Go]

I worry that one day if we were to have kids that they would see their dad drinking and think it's normal and carry that "normal" into their adult life.

 

My dad was one so I can tell you from first person: I don't dare getting close to alcoholic beverages. I never will. In the end that's what killed my father at 55. He was functioning almost till the end and in a similar field to your boyfriend. VERY physically strong but... Alcohol was stronger.

 

I also had a horrible experience with dating an alcoholic, I'll write another post about what I learned from it. In short: unless HE decides to stop, you'll not see a good end of this

[manheart1989]

I am curious, OP. Does your BF ever get tested for his job or has he tried to get life insurance? Because I can guarantee that his liver numbers are shot and it is doubtful he could get life insurance if he is drinking as much as he is. Which means his job may be at jeopardy as well.

 

Good question. He does get tested randomly. He still has a job, so I'm assuming those tests went well. As far as life insurance goes, not really sure if he has that. He does get annual check ups. He just had one a month ago and surprisingly his liver #'s were in the normal. His doctor told him he is as healthy as they come. I wonder when it starts to show in a blood draw? I know when my mom drinks just 2 wines a night her blood tests will show an increase and her doctor will tell her to cut back. Maybe he is lying about his blood tests?

 

I guess this was all a wake up call as I'm starting to learn and ask myself what can I handle? Can I deal with it and watch him drink himself to death or do I need to make that decision to walk away? I just need time to think it all over. Thanks for making me realize that this is not something I can fix. Sad realization though.

 

I have pondered the idea of asking his ex-wife. BUT they didn't end well. Not sure how that would look and if he found out I did contact her, I don't know how he would react to that.

[manheart1989]

My dad was one so I can tell you from first person: I don't dare getting close to alcoholic beverages. I never will. In the end that's what killed my father at 55. He was functioning almost till the end and in a similar field to your boyfriend. VERY physically strong but... Alcohol was stronger.

 

I also had a horrible experience with dating an alcoholic, I'll write another post about what I learned from it. In short: unless HE decides to stop, you'll not see a good end of this

 

 

YIKES. That's scary. Thanks for sharing that with me. It's the reality I need to see. I'd love to hear your other experience!

[AMJ]

Think of it this way- how would you feel if he was addicted to meth or heroin? You'd probably dump him in a flat second.

Alcohol is just as damaging for an alcoholic.

[knitwit]

Thanks Anika.

 

You are right. I need to decide what is best for me. I need to decide if this is someone I want to marry and accept his fate. As it seems help is the last thing he wants!

 

Alcohol aside, he is everything I've ever wanted. It's scary knowing I might lose that one day.

 

I've reminded him that him drinking and taking anti-depressants is basically cancelling each other out. His answer was to stop the anti-depressants then. I wish he would see that it is the alcohol he needs to quit.

 

His drinking affects me enough to ask strangers what to do. As far as daily life, it doesn't change much for me, I still do things I love and not let this take over me. He waits to drink till I get home from work when he used to just start drinking at 11am. He is taking steps to drink less, but he doesn't want to cut it all out completely. Unfortunately, he doesn't see that as an option. It doesn't give me much to work with. And lately, it has raised a lot of questions.

 

I don't think alcoholics will ever just be able to have one drink. It's all or nothing.

 

Op, you are very wise to be questioning this only 10 months in. Even if you're not ready to move away from this relationship now, your eyes are open. It will be hard to "unsee" his use and inevitable decline.

 

I don't think it's particularly helpful to call anyone (who hasn't already self-identified) an alcoholic. There are all kinds of judgements and defenses that get raised. So I'm going to just refer to him as a substance abuser. I think most people would agree that 18 drinks/night is beyond social use and into abuse.

 

You are already able to see that he is actively harming himself by with his excessive drinking: it's evident in his depression. Alcohol is a depressant. If someone dosed himself with 18 shots of espresso most days of the week complained that he couldn't sleep and that his heart was constantly racing, what would you tell that person? If they refused to stop drinking espresso and failed to cut down, and in fact refused to even consider that his beloved caffeine was the cause of his problems? You'd know that this person was so caught up in his caffeine that he was causing himself significant health problems. Your fella would rather drink and get more depressed. That alone shows that his drinking has significantly affected his judgement.

 

This is the very tip if the iceberg when it comes to substance abuse and poor judgement.

 

Let's talk about finances. Since your relationship is less than a year old, I'm assuming that you are living apart and that your finances are separate. Think about how much money 18 beers/day, 4 days/week costs. That's 72 beers, or 3 cases/week. In my state, a case of low-end decent beer runs about $25, or a buck/beer. So that's roughly $75 week or $300/month.

 

Imagine that you are married, and you now need to help pay for over $3000/year in drinking, and that is entirely for him alone. That's a lot of money that could go to do many other things, things that in a relationship with someone who didn't abuse alcohol, could be spent on things you could do together.

 

You might read this and protest: "surely he will slow down! Especially if we have a child!" But in reality, the longer he drinks, the less likely he'll slow down. You two are still in the "honeymoon" first year, you still get to see the best of him. This very likely is him trying to behave in front of you.

 

You mentioned that you worry about your child thinking that it's normal to drink 3 six-packs per night; that's a true and relavent concern. You might also find yourself doing the lions share of the work, because you won't trust him to keep a close eye on the baby while he gets his buzz on, and because nothing will stand in the way of him getting his buzz on. You will likely get really angry if his beer money takes precedence over baby clothes, car seats, etc. Hopefully, you'll make a decent salary to cover child care costs....but get ready for resentment when you're covering everything because of his beer budget. There are all kinds of worries that occur when your partner is drinking/using beyond socially on a consistent basis.

 

You're not married, you don't have kids, etc, so all of the above might seem far away and far-fetched. Just keep an eye out and watch him. You'll start to see it, in time. How you always, or nearly-always, will be the driver on your nights out. How you'll need to be in control, making sure everything goes ok, because he will be focused on having a good time with alcohol. How your social life will revolve around drinking. How he's only really there for you if he can drink..and his ability to really be there for you will be limited by the alcohol. He will love you for many things- among them, he will love your ability to stick with him and make it possible for him to keep drinking. You'll keep things running smoothly so he can get those 18+ in at every opportunity. You'll nurse him when he's not feeling well, you'll be his cheering section when he tries to change things, you'll love him through it all while he tries everything *except* the one thing that will actually solve his problem: quitting drinking.

 

He's already told you that he's not willing to make substantial changes, that he is not willing to quit drinking. It's off the table.

 

You are so on target to see that huge red flag! You're only 10 months in. It took me years to truly start questioning things. I know how you feel- I loved my guy to the ends of the earth and back again. I loved his family. It took me three years to finally leave (my guy did try very hard to get and stay sober, several rehabs and periods of complete sobriety.) It can take time when you really love someone, even when you know that they not healthy for you.

 

Trust your gut. Keep your eyes open. Read up on addiction. Alanon can bring so many seemingly-disparate pieces together to make a complete picture.

[AMJ]

The beer budget is just the start of the bad financial decisions an alcoholic can make. Alcohol just destroys your brain and when a person gets really deep into it, they just stop thinking clearly. They make really bad decisions and will drag you with them.

 

Don't feel the need to defend him here- this doesn't make him a bad person. He's just not strong enough to accept his reality and get help. They say that when someone hits rock bottom it's usually enough to wake them up and realize they need help. The problem is that a person is so entrenched in being an alcoholic at that point, it's so much more difficult- near impossible- to get and stay sober. It seems odd but bad things happening to him, consequences for his actions- right now, would be the best thing for him. Things like losing his job, getting in trouble at work for drinking, you leaving him, etc., maybe could wake him up.

[manheart1989]

Think of it this way- how would you feel if he was addicted to meth or heroin? You'd probably dump him in a flat second.

Alcohol is just as damaging for an alcoholic.

 

Actually, he did have a drug addiction 10 years ago. He was addicted to cocaine and heroin when he was 18. I know that doesn't make this sound better. He got help and was able to recover fully within a year or two. He hasn't touched it since and I think now with his career, he knows better. He was young and stupid, he said. But yes, if he still did that I would be far gone. I just think drugs are dirty.

 

I've realized he has a very addictive personality.

[manheart1989]

That was beautifully written. I'm going to keep that for my personal journal. :-)

 

You are right about everything. The finances, the resentment....even me having to drive him everywhere and sacrifice my own fun. It was my birthday yesterday and I could only have one drink because I know he would be drinking one too many.

 

What was the deciding factor to make you leave? You say it took you 3 years and he was trying...I'm guessing he never got over the bridge? Do you still talk to him or know if he is still drinking?

 

 

 

Op, you are very wise to be questioning this only 10 months in. Even if you're not ready to move away from this relationship now, your eyes are open. It will be hard to "unsee" his use and inevitable decline.

 

I don't think it's particularly helpful to call anyone (who hasn't already self-identified) an alcoholic. There are all kinds of judgements and defenses that get raised. So I'm going to just refer to him as a substance abuser. I think most people would agree that 18 drinks/night is beyond social use and into abuse.

 

You are already able to see that he is actively harming himself by with his excessive drinking: it's evident in his depression. Alcohol is a depressant. If someone dosed himself with 18 shots of espresso most days of the week complained that he couldn't sleep and that his heart was constantly racing, what would you tell that person? If they refused to stop drinking espresso and failed to cut down, and in fact refused to even consider that his beloved caffeine was the cause of his problems? You'd know that this person was so caught up in his caffeine that he was causing himself significant health problems. Your fella would rather drink and get more depressed. That alone shows that his drinking has significantly affected his judgement.

 

This is the very tip if the iceberg when it comes to substance abuse and poor judgement.

 

Let's talk about finances. Since your relationship is less than a year old, I'm assuming that you are living apart and that your finances are separate. Think about how much money 18 beers/day, 4 days/week costs. That's 72 beers, or 3 cases/week. In my state, a case of low-end decent beer runs about $25, or a buck/beer. So that's roughly $75 week or $300/month.

 

Imagine that you are married, and you now need to help pay for over $3000/year in drinking, and that is entirely for him alone. That's a lot of money that could go to do many other things, things that in a relationship with someone who didn't abuse alcohol, could be spent on things you could do together.

 

You might read this and protest: "surely he will slow down! Especially if we have a child!" But in reality, the longer he drinks, the less likely he'll slow down. You two are still in the "honeymoon" first year, you still get to see the best of him. This very likely is him trying to behave in front of you.

 

You mentioned that you worry about your child thinking that it's normal to drink 3 six-packs per night; that's a true and relavent concern. You might also find yourself doing the lions share of the work, because you won't trust him to keep a close eye on the baby while he gets his buzz on, and because nothing will stand in the way of him getting his buzz on. You will likely get really angry if his beer money takes precedence over baby clothes, car seats, etc. Hopefully, you'll make a decent salary to cover child care costs....but get ready for resentment when you're covering everything because of his beer budget. There are all kinds of worries that occur when your partner is drinking/using beyond socially on a consistent basis.

 

You're not married, you don't have kids, etc, so all of the above might seem far away and far-fetched. Just keep an eye out and watch him. You'll start to see it, in time. How you always, or nearly-always, will be the driver on your nights out. How you'll need to be in control, making sure everything goes ok, because he will be focused on having a good time with alcohol. How your social life will revolve around drinking. How he's only really there for you if he can drink..and his ability to really be there for you will be limited by the alcohol. He will love you for many things- among them, he will love your ability to stick with him and make it possible for him to keep drinking. You'll keep things running smoothly so he can get those 18+ in at every opportunity. You'll nurse him when he's not feeling well, you'll be his cheering section when he tries to change things, you'll love him through it all while he tries everything *except* the one thing that will actually solve his problem: quitting drinking.

 

He's already told you that he's not willing to make substantial changes, that he is not willing to quit drinking. It's off the table.

 

You are so on target to see that huge red flag! You're only 10 months in. It took me years to truly start questioning things. I know how you feel- I loved my guy to the ends of the earth and back again. I loved his family. It took me three years to finally leave (my guy did try very hard to get and stay sober, several rehabs and periods of complete sobriety.) It can take time when you really love someone, even when you know that they not healthy for you.

 

Trust your gut. Keep your eyes open. Read up on addiction. Alanon can bring so many seemingly-disparate pieces together to make a complete picture.

[startinganew777]

I was with a functioning alcoholic for 10 years, married for 3. We are now divorced. I couldn't take it anymore. His parents are also both functioning alcoholics. They all drink tons of beer. And even at work. Don't kid yourself. My aunt, God rest her soul, was also an alcoholic, the disease finally caught up with her and she died at 50 years old. My ex best friend, also an alcoholic, well, we are no longer friends. After she decided to go driving around drunk with her 5 year old son and park in an empty parking lot at night and pass out, with her son in the car, I decided I couldn't have that in my life after all the crap I went through in my marriage. All these people have something in common, they ALL lied. They ALL hid alcohol from their friends and family to make it seem like they didn't drink as much as they did.

 

 

They ALL made empty promises about getting help. NONE of them did. One is now dead, my ex has been to rehab twice and almost died, they said they have never seen someone come in there with a BAC of what he had, and my ex best friend is still struggling, her husband divorced her and got full custody of both kids.

 

 

It is a horrible disease. He basically told you this is what you get, take it or leave it. He won't change for you or anyone else. He has to want to change and even then, it isn't for sure he will stay sober. Even if he never gets in trouble, abuses you or loses his job, the one thing that will always hurt will be that alcohol will ALWAYS be more important than you. ALWAYS. I'm sorry but it is the truth. They aren't bad people at all but have a disease that is VERY hard to overcome. No one can fix them. They have to fix themselves. He doesn't even sound close to wanting to change and it has only been 10 months.

 

 

If I were you and knew what I know now, I would get out now and spare yourself the stress, the constant worry and heartache. Good luck to you. I know how you feel. I thought I could fix my ex husband too. Took me 10 years to realize it was a lost cause.

[manheart1989]

My natural instinct is to defend him because I know he is such an amazing guy. He just has this horrible illness.

 

After his first wife became distant and cheated, that didn't seem to make him want to change, although maybe he didn't know that's why she was distant. I'm not even sure if that's why, I've never talked to her. I've only heard his side.

 

I do agree that something does need to happen. Just not sure what that will be. Maybe talking to his dad who was an alcoholic at one point will help?

 

The beer budget is just the start of the bad financial decisions an alcoholic can make. Alcohol just destroys your brain and when a person gets really deep into it, they just stop thinking clearly. They make really bad decisions and will drag you with them.

 

Don't feel the need to defend him here- this doesn't make him a bad person. He's just not strong enough to accept his reality and get help. They say that when someone hits rock bottom it's usually enough to wake them up and realize they need help. The problem is that a person is so entrenched in being an alcoholic at that point, it's so much more difficult- near impossible- to get and stay sober. It seems odd but bad things happening to him, consequences for his actions- right now, would be the best thing for him. Things like losing his job, getting in trouble at work for drinking, you leaving him, etc., maybe could wake him up.