High Functioning Alcoholic

[Art_Critic]

1 beer = 1.5 shots of 80 proof whiskey = 5 ounces of wine

 

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/what-standard-drink

[Art_Critic]

To me at this point if you want to stay with him then you need to really go to Alanon meetings, they will help you gain your self love back from the Alcoholic and help you with learning about enabling behavior and detaching from the Alcoholic.

 

It sounds to me that he is still in the denial phase of his drinking and till he comes full circle and goes to get help he will still always drink like this

[Kamille]

I dated a high functioning alcoholic and, like you, started asking question at about the 6 month mark.

 

I found myself counting the amount of drinks he was having per night. I hated that part of myself. It was useless. He had no control over alcool.

 

He would boast about being able to stop for months. Except the months would include 3day long weekend binges.

 

Like you, I asked about his take on children. I asked him what he would do when we have children. He replied: only drink when they're asleep. Except, that's not how children work... And that would have left me in charge of the kids every night.

 

He also started being absent at moments that mattered. He got bad news once on a day when we were supposed to celebrate something. He proceeded to get beyond drunk. He was usually high functioning, but this time he could hardly focus on me as he slammed drink after drink. There were a few times in this short relationship where it became obvious that alcohol would always take precedent over the relationship.

 

And once I started questioning his drinking, he started resenting me. Eventually, he broke things off with me, saying that even though he loved me, I was too controlling. To be honest, I was mostly relieved. I couldn't bring myself to end it, yet the alcoholism bothered me.

 

I ran into him recently. He has major health issues at the age of 44. I'm not sure if they're related to alcohol. He's also going through a horrendous separation-divorce. Again, I don't know if it's related to alcohol. He does have children.

 

Yours is a hard predicament to figure out.

[manheart1989]

I was grocery shopping today and I called my boyfriend. He has had a rough day because he found out he has to have surgery because of a stubborn hemorrhoid. He said, "I'm trying to resist the urge to drink until you get home.." and that's when I realized, all of you are right.

 

He has a problem.

 

I just basically hung up the phone and sent him a long message. I know ultimatums suck, but I don't know what else I could do.

 

Now I'm scared as I wait for him to respond. My heart hurts and I just want to cry.

[Art_Critic]

I hope the long message didn't include the open door if he sobers up...

His definition of sober and yours will be different.

That door should remain closed until he IS actually sober, which will take a while..

 

There is a difference between Sober and Dry Drunk...

Him quitting for you will result in him being a Dry Drunk rather than sober.

 

IMO, he needs AA or something along that lines to help him with his drinking problem, he needs to fix why he drinks as all if us Alcoholics have a reason why we drank and then drank Alcoholically.

 

A 12 step program where he looks within to see what he is doing and how it affects others.

[manheart1989]

So...

 

I wrote him this long message about how I feel and what I'm scared for.

 

He replies,

 

"This has to stop. I can try to drink less but that is the best I can do. And by less, I mean what I'm doing now. I don't drink 15 a day, I'm not sure where you got that. But don't worry about how much I drink, go back to not worrying."

 

He also said,

 

"Apparently nothing I have said has sunk in with you at all. What you read in the internet isn't how it works."

 

"When we met I was a drinker, I'll always be a drinker."

 

"I knew this drinking thing would get out of hand, it's all we ever talk about now"

 

Last thing he said was,

 

"You are doing the same thing you do every time you think you are sick, you go online and find a bunch of horror stories. I'm fine. Everything is fine."

[Art_Critic]

He is in denial and won't change, he basically blamed you for the scenario rather than himself.. we are self centered like that.

 

"When we met I was a drinker, I'll always be a drinker."

 

There it is... the reality that Alcohol will always be his first love, unless he sobers up and quits for good and for all.

[manheart1989]

This is really an awful situation.

 

Yea. I don't know what else to say anymore.

[Art_Critic]

you go online and find a bunch of horror stories. I'm fine. Everything is fine."

 

BTW, it's a good thing you did..

 

He is fine he says... WHAT ABOUT YOU ?.. you are fine ?.. your world needs to not revolve around his drinking...

[knitwit]

I was grocery shopping today and I called my boyfriend. He has had a rough day because he found out he has to have surgery because of a stubborn hemorrhoid. He said, "I'm trying to resist the urge to drink until you get home.." and that's when I realized, all of you are right.

 

He has a problem.

 

I just basically hung up the phone and sent him a long message. I know ultimatums suck, but I don't know what else I could do.

 

Now I'm scared as I wait for him to respond. My heart hurts and I just want to cry.

 

It might not seem like it, but you're doing him a big favor.

 

It's not normal to have to actively resist the urge to drink. People without drinking problems don't struggle like this, counting down the time before they can have a drink, and not even bring sure they can make it that long.

 

It sounds crazy, but usually people with drinking problems are in a fog, aka denial, of how bad the problem is. You are helping him to break that fog.

You're giving him critical information. He might not accept it now, he might use it as an excuse to drink more, but you've put it out there for him.

 

I am sending you big hugs!

[Art_Critic]

This is really an awful situation.

 

Yea. I don't know what else to say anymore.

 

You worry about yourself first....

 

In 1987 I was engaged to a wonderful girl and I was in my full blown Alcoholic stage when my Dad died and it put me in a place that I couldn't recover from...

 

She left me,

My life was altered forever, I hit my bottom after trying for a year in AA meetings to take the first step.. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable"

 

That was over 29 years ago, I'm still sober and I'm glad she never took me back.. because if she had things might have gone very differently than they did today.

 

Don't worry about tomorrow... worry about today, put yourself first and tomorrow will figure itself out.

[knitwit]

So...

 

I wrote him this long message about how I feel and what I'm scared for.

 

He replies,

 

"This has to stop. I can try to drink less but that is the best I can do. And by less, I mean what I'm doing now. I don't drink 15 a day, I'm not sure where you got that. But don't worry about how much I drink, go back to not worrying."

 

 

This is a long way of saying that his need to drink is way more important than your worries or fears. He's trying to argue that your numbers are wrong and you are wrong, instead of addressing your concerns.

 

 

He also said,

 

"Apparently nothing I have said has sunk in with you at all. What you read in the internet isn't how it works."

 

"When we met I was a drinker, I'll always be a drinker."

 

"I knew this drinking thing would get out of hand, it's all we ever talk about now"

 

Last thing he said was,

 

"You are doing the same thing you do every time you think you are sick, you go online and find a bunch of horror stories. I'm fine. Everything is fine."

 

Sure. Everything is fine, nothing to see here, your worries don't count.

 

His drinking is what matters.

 

Nothing is going to change his drinking.

 

You're crazy/sick, his drinking is fine.

 

His drinking is what matters.

 

This is his world. Everything is based on his ability to drink. It's his refrain and many people aren't able to free of it.

 

Please be assured that his addictive values have nothing to do with you, and say nothing about you. He's stuck in a world where is primary relationship is with alcohol.

[standtall]

Stop talking and leave. He may fix it or he may not, but as long as you're willing to have a dialogue, then he will string it along.

[startinganew777]

His response pretty much says to me that he will not change, you are over reacting and to suck it up or leave.

 

 

I think that was your sign. I think you know deep down what you need to do. It will never get better. Alcohol will always be more important than you. You deserve better and will never be happy with him if you stay.

[salparadise]

So...

 

I wrote him this long message about how I feel and what I'm scared for.

 

He replies,

 

"This has to stop. I can try to drink less but that is the best I can do. And by less, I mean what I'm doing now. I don't drink 15 a day, I'm not sure where you got that. But don't worry about how much I drink, go back to not worrying."

 

He also said,

 

"Apparently nothing I have said has sunk in with you at all. What you read in the internet isn't how it works."

 

"When we met I was a drinker, I'll always be a drinker."

 

"I knew this drinking thing would get out of hand, it's all we ever talk about now"

 

Last thing he said was,

 

"You are doing the same thing you do every time you think you are sick, you go online and find a bunch of horror stories. I'm fine. Everything is fine."

 

 

Actually, you need to do more research. And you might as well quit using the word "functional" in front of alcoholic. It may mitigate it in your mind, but it doesn't change anything else.

 

So what he's telling you in the conversation above is that if you try and force him to choose between drinking and you, he'll choose drinking. He has no intention of quitting because he hasn't hit bottom yet. Part of the reason is that you're enabling and supporting his addiction by staying.

 

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Read that twice. It mean that he will continue to go down, down, down as long as he continues to drink. Enabling him just ensures that he will continue to degenerate until it kills him.

 

The only choice you have is to enable him or not. If you do it will ruin two lives. If you don't then you can save yourself and give him the chance to save himself. It's not likely that he will choose that until he has lost everything, but that's not for you to worry about because you can't influence it.

 

I know you're in love, or at least you believe you are, but forever is a long damn time. Ten months is not that long. You can recover and grow and get a life. If you stay your life will be nothing more than trying to manage him and his drinking.

 

You don't realize how little you know about all of this, but it basically comes down to making a decision to jump into a life boat and paddle away, or go down with a sinking ship. Maybe you are beginning to get a glimpse of that reality, but I don't think you fully realize it yet.

 

You need more education. And you need to care about yourself enough to not dedicate your life to alcoholism.

[AMJ]

I predict he's just going to start pushing you away. He will look for a woman who's less intelligent, less willing to stand up for herself. Someone easy to push over. Someone easy to control. OP already has one foot out the door. There's no way she'll hang in there when things start getting really ugly.

 

But it's true, watching this is like watching a car accident in slow motion. We all know what's about to happen, it's just a matter of time.

[loveisanaction3]

So much great advice and things to think about. And with your commitment and eyes wide open approach too. Have you thought about seeking counselling for yourself? So you could work out the specifics of your situation on a more personal level? There is something deeper going on - especially with his depression. Does he drink because of his depression? Have you had a chance to talk about his depression and does he respond well to this type of interaction? Do you think he would be open to counseling, especially if he knew you would be there to support him and help him?

 

Maybe God brought you into his life, for just this purpose - to help him through this stage.

[anika99]

It might not seem like it, but you're doing him a big favor.

 

It's not normal to have to actively resist the urge to drink. People without drinking problems don't struggle like this, counting down the time before they can have a drink, and not even bring sure they can make it that long.

 

It sounds crazy, but usually people with drinking problems are in a fog, aka denial, of how bad the problem is. You are helping him to break that fog.

You're giving him critical information. He might not accept it now, he might use it as an excuse to drink more, but you've put it out there for him.

 

I am sending you big hugs!

 

 

 

The bolded is so true. Reminds me of when I was trying to quit smoking. Went from a pack a day to 1/2 a pack, then down to 8 smokes a day, then 5 , then 2 or 3. What a stupid way to quit smoking. It was pure torture, just counting the hours down until I could smoke, watching the clock, trying to stay busy, trying not to obsess. I think I was mentally healthier when I was just smoking to my hearts content. The point is at no point was I less addicted. I was every bit of much a nicotine addict at 2 smokes a day as I was at a pack a day. I am still a nicotine addict but I instead of smoking I vape in the hopes that vaping won't do as much harm to me as smoking. Addiction is a terrible thing.

[beatcuff]

OP, i am coming very late to this party. many on here, while with the best of intentions, bring their baggage (assume the worst) and provide the only solution as nuclear (a/k/a leave him). nevertheless i agree he will not change for you, so stop wasting energy on doing so.

 

this is him, this is how you found him, this is what made you fall in love with him. no one is perfect or without flaws and being dependent on alcohol is a flaw. at least he is honest about this. you have an advantage in that you are aware of this now (rather than it developing years later and 'being stuck with it').

 

i suggest you step back. date him twice a month, see whether his pull is greater than his faults.

[Popsicle]

Boy, did this post come in time! My boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic as well. I was planning on making a thread about this same topic when I have a little more time this weekend (work is busy right now). I wish you luck!

[manheart1989]

I told him last night to get off the Lexapro. He has only been on it for 4 months and he has expressed that it has helped him out immensely. He says he isn't depressed anymore and feels great. Now, to me, that would make me think that hey, the drug is working! But he doesn't see it that way, he sees that it patched his wound and he's all healed now. He's in for a rude awakening.

 

I suggested he get off of it because I don't want him drinking on it anymore. I know I can't make him stop drinking, but I can do something about him drinking and taking medication at the same time.

 

So he is cutting down slowly to wean off of it.

 

I'm not a doctor, but I was on it and my doctor gave me the same approach when I realized it was time to get off of it. I'm hoping he has been on it long enough to re-train his mind on how to react and respond to things. It molded mine and I had to teach myself how to think the right way, the medicine helped me with that.

 

As far as what our future holds, I'm not really sure. I love him and it's hard to just drop things and leave. I also realize it will be harder 10 years from now. I'm very aware. I have all this wonderful advice to take into account and it has helped me face other possible outcomes.

 

This whole experience has been enlightening for me. I talked to my dad about my boyfriend and I learned something about my dad also. He used to be an alcoholic. I had no idea. I guess when he married my mom and had me, he stopped drinking. Now he has 1-2 beers here and there. I also found out that my grandfather (mom's side) was an alcoholic and he died in his 70's from congestive heart failure. He was an explosive alcoholic and my mom still remembers her childhood living with it and how it wasn't easy. I also realized that my aunt is an alcoholic (my dad's sister), but always kind of suppressed the idea because I didn't want to think she was. She is also a hard smoker and with alcohol combined, I've realized she will be cutting her life short. I didn't realize that alcoholism already surrounds me. It's sad. It's hard watching people you love go through it, makes me not want to drink anymore.

 

I have surgery in 3 weeks and I just can't make big decisions right now. I need to be healthy so my surgery goes well. I do know one thing, that talking to everyone on here and reading the extreme realities of alcohol has woke me up enough to realize I have to do something about it. I'm not really sure what that is yet. Time will tell how much I can handle.

 

In reply to loveisanaction3, yes, we have talked about his depression and he is very open with me about it. He is open to counseling and has suggested he is going to start. I told him I would support him obviously. I never realized how hard it is to find a psychologist though. haha! I did buy him a really nice leather journal for him to write down his feelings because that helped me back in the day.

[manheart1989]

Boy, did this post come in time! My boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic as well. I was planning on making a thread about this same topic when I have a little more time this weekend (work is busy right now). I wish you luck!

 

Hi Popsicle!

 

I'd love to hear about your experience with it! Feel free to post on here about it :-)

 

It makes me feel less alone to know I'm not the only one going through it right now.

[Art_Critic]

You are not his Doctor.. correct.. you are also not his enabler, taking care of him is enabling him..

 

If he wants to take meds and Alcohol then that is his choice..

 

I recommend that you go to at least one Alanon meeting and speak with some people there about your situation.

 

You are in over your head and need some help, locally... He is going to tear your heart out and leave you with nothing but a lump of scar tissue in the end...

[BlueIris]

Making recommendations to him about his health and what he should do is not wise. But it is how partners of alcoholics become enmeshed. Extracting promises, conditioning your own peace and contentment upon what he says and does, building your dreams on the hope that he’ll change are all parts of the same slippery slope. I slid down that slope and realized it was a slope I created.

 

Your BF is right on this: it’s up to you to accept or not accept that he’s going to keep drinking. Don’t stay if you don’t accept it.

 

Alcoholic or not, never stay with anyone hoping that they’ll change. He’s an autonomous adult with free will and he will choose what he does even if it is self-destructive.

[Mr. Lucky]

I told him last night to get off the Lexapro.

 

Which medical school did you graduate from?

 

manheart1989, he's a grown man under the care of a doctor. Your attempts to manage his care are part of your overall efforts to "fix" him, same with trying to monitor his drinking.

 

Well-intentioned but, from my own experience doomed to failure. Addicts either fix themselves - or they don't. Your only choice is to enable and watch from close up or detach and observe from far away. You'll ultimately have to decide which is the healthier option...

 

Mr. Lucky