High Functioning Alcoholic

[manheart1989]

I told him last night to get off the Lexapro. He has only been on it for 4 months and he has expressed that it has helped him out immensely. He says he isn't depressed anymore and feels great. Now, to me, that would make me think that hey, the drug is working! But he doesn't see it that way, he sees that it patched his wound and he's all healed now. He's in for a rude awakening.

 

I suggested he get off of it because I don't want him drinking on it anymore. I know I can't make him stop drinking, but I can do something about him drinking and taking medication at the same time.

 

So he is cutting down slowly to wean off of it.

 

I'm not a doctor, but I was on it and my doctor gave me the same approach when I realized it was time to get off of it. I'm hoping he has been on it long enough to re-train his mind on how to react and respond to things. It molded mine and I had to teach myself how to think the right way, the medicine helped me with that.

 

As far as what our future holds, I'm not really sure. I love him and it's hard to just drop things and leave. I also realize it will be harder 10 years from now. I'm very aware. I have all this wonderful advice to take into account and it has helped me face other possible outcomes.

 

This whole experience has been enlightening for me. I talked to my dad about my boyfriend and I learned something about my dad also. He used to be an alcoholic. I had no idea. I guess when he married my mom and had me, he stopped drinking. Now he has 1-2 beers here and there. I also found out that my grandfather (mom's side) was an alcoholic and he died in his 70's from congestive heart failure. He was an explosive alcoholic and my mom still remembers her childhood living with it and how it wasn't easy. I also realized that my aunt is an alcoholic (my dad's sister), but always kind of suppressed the idea because I didn't want to think she was. She is also a hard smoker and with alcohol combined, I've realized she will be cutting her life short. I didn't realize that alcoholism already surrounds me. It's sad. It's hard watching people you love go through it, makes me not want to drink anymore.

 

I have surgery in 3 weeks and I just can't make big decisions right now. I need to be healthy so my surgery goes well. I do know one thing, that talking to everyone on here and reading the extreme realities of alcohol has woke me up enough to realize I have to do something about it. I'm not really sure what that is yet. Time will tell how much I can handle.

 

In reply to loveisanaction3, yes, we have talked about his depression and he is very open with me about it. He is open to counseling and has suggested he is going to start. I told him I would support him obviously. I never realized how hard it is to find a psychologist though. haha! I did buy him a really nice leather journal for him to write down his feelings because that helped me back in the day.

[manheart1989]

Boy, did this post come in time! My boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic as well. I was planning on making a thread about this same topic when I have a little more time this weekend (work is busy right now). I wish you luck!

 

Hi Popsicle!

 

I'd love to hear about your experience with it! Feel free to post on here about it :-)

 

It makes me feel less alone to know I'm not the only one going through it right now.

[Art_Critic]

You are not his Doctor.. correct.. you are also not his enabler, taking care of him is enabling him..

 

If he wants to take meds and Alcohol then that is his choice..

 

I recommend that you go to at least one Alanon meeting and speak with some people there about your situation.

 

You are in over your head and need some help, locally... He is going to tear your heart out and leave you with nothing but a lump of scar tissue in the end...

[BlueIris]

Making recommendations to him about his health and what he should do is not wise. But it is how partners of alcoholics become enmeshed. Extracting promises, conditioning your own peace and contentment upon what he says and does, building your dreams on the hope that he’ll change are all parts of the same slippery slope. I slid down that slope and realized it was a slope I created.

 

Your BF is right on this: it’s up to you to accept or not accept that he’s going to keep drinking. Don’t stay if you don’t accept it.

 

Alcoholic or not, never stay with anyone hoping that they’ll change. He’s an autonomous adult with free will and he will choose what he does even if it is self-destructive.

[Mr. Lucky]

I told him last night to get off the Lexapro.

 

Which medical school did you graduate from?

 

manheart1989, he's a grown man under the care of a doctor. Your attempts to manage his care are part of your overall efforts to "fix" him, same with trying to monitor his drinking.

 

Well-intentioned but, from my own experience doomed to failure. Addicts either fix themselves - or they don't. Your only choice is to enable and watch from close up or detach and observe from far away. You'll ultimately have to decide which is the healthier option...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Art_Critic]

But it is how partners of alcoholics become enmeshed.

 

Codependency....

 

She is becoming Codependent on him

[MidwestUSA]

Which medical school did you graduate from?

 

manheart1989, he's a grown man under the care of a doctor. Your attempts to manage his care are part of your overall efforts to "fix" him, same with trying to monitor his drinking.

 

 

Guess who's going to take the blame when he spirals down? No, it's not good to mix AD and alcohol, but it's also wrong to discontinue the drug without his doctor's supervision.

 

OP, get out. I was married to one. Had I not run, his medical bills would have ruined me. 'High functioning chemist/biologist' now needs a liver.

 

Guess what? He's not a candidate, and he's not friends with Phil Collins.

[AMJ]

It sounds like you're using the alcoholics you know in your life to give yourself some hope that people can work though the disease and come out better on the other side. And you're approaching this like a project that you can work on. You want to know the steps to take to fix this problem.

 

I know your heart is in the right place but you really do not understand what problem you're dealing with. Someone who has a severe alcohol problem can't ever just drink 1-2 drinks like your dad does. And if you've known your dad your whole life and are only just now learning that he has an alcohol problem, then he doesn't really have a severe problem. If you knew how bad it will get, you would leave now, I promise you.

 

I agree you should not be giving him this medical advice and trying to be a doctor. Also, his hemorrhoid surgery is likely due to his drinking. Alcoholics have those all the time. I've noticed especially beer drinkers for some reason.

 

You are headed towards a lot of pain, and I feel bad for you.

[No_Go]

I agree you should not be giving him this medical advice and trying to be a doctor. Also, his hemorrhoid surgery is likely due to his drinking. Alcoholics have those all the time. I've noticed especially beer drinkers for some reason.

 

I wanted to add one thing which s VERY grim but must be looked for in alcoholics because it is deadly. Varices in the oesophagus - i.e. another type of vascular issue, but in the upper part of GI. In general alcohol (liver damage) causes significant vascular problems, this is probably the most deadly one. If hes going for GI surgery anyway, they may check for these as well.

 

Another vascular issue: if you notice spider like capillaries on his face and body, that's also coming from alcohol liver damage. Beware.

[startinganew777]

Dropping Lexapro cold turkey is a bad, bad idea. People can become suicidal! It can make his depression way worse which in turn causes heavier drinking. You have already witnessed how much he wants to drink when things go wrong or he gets upset.

 

 

Please stop acting like his mother or doctor. It isn't attractive to him at all. I know you mean well but you are his girlfriend, not his doctor. Just imagine a lifetime of this. It will not end well. Get out now. You will regret it if you don't and waste years on trying to take care of an addict. And forget about having kids unless you want to be a single mother because he won't be there for you. Alcohol will be more important than his whole family. Please, please don't start a family with him. It will be torture for you and especially your kids. You don't want to subject them to that kind of life!!! It is horrible!

[manheart1989]

Yikes, supportive to kind of harsh.

 

Maybe I didn't clarify enough, but I didn't feel like I needed to at the time.

 

First of all, no one said he is going cold turkey. His doctor gave him instructions on how to ween off of the medication when the time was right for him. His whole purpose was to try out the medication and see how it worked and when he was ready to get off of them to do so in a safe and effective way. I also was on Lexapro awhile back and gave him the same information my doctor gave me on coming off of the medication. I was on it for longer than him, I should know a thing or two. You don't have to be a doctor to know how to ween off of something. It's a slow process to come off of a medication and I would never put him in harms way.

 

I am not being his mother. I am being a supportive girlfriend. There is a thin line, but in the end it's my boyfriends opinion that counts. He doesn't see it that way. He would tell me, he's a big boy and he stands up for himself and he would tell me if I'm crossing the line.

 

I suggested he come off since he isn't going to follow directions and not drink on them. He knows he isn't using it right, so why stay on it? Why makes things WORSE? He needs to deal with his alcohol dependence first. Once he gets that sorted out THEN he can go on medication if needed. It's not going to be a quick fix, we both realize this is going to be a long journey.

 

I am doing the best I can with what I know. I am taking care of myself from now on. But I also will remain a supportive girlfriend. I'm not just going to up and leave someone because life got hard. If one day, it becomes too hard, than fine, I'll know when it's right.

 

He sent me a really nice note today while I was at work saying he wanted to get help (seek a therapist) and he is really going to try to re-adjust and do what he knows is right. That was the moment I've been waiting to hear and it was a huge step for him. He said he is sorry for being stubborn, but he appreciates everything I do for him and how I am. He wants to get better.

 

I have faith in him. Not every story ends the same. It didn't end that way for my dad or his dad. I'm rooting for him. And I'll continue to stand by him.

 

I know a lot of people will shake their head and mumble how "She'll see it one day..." That's fine. I still appreciate all the support on here and I got some answers to my questions. I didn't dismiss the advice, I took note of it and when the time is right for me, I'll use it.

 

There are stories out there where alcoholics got help and in the beginning it was HARD for them and they were reluctant to it. They had to fall a couple times until it hit them that they need to do something about it.

 

I'll be there for him when he falls, I'll be there for him when he crosses the finish line also.

[Art_Critic]

Unless he hits bottom he will NOT be able to quit drinking, you are going to hold him up and not allow him to hit his bottom, sorry to be harsh but as an Alcoholic I can't sit here and not say anything..

 

He doesn't need a therapist right now, he needs AA and a sponsor... he can get a therapist later on after he has quit drinking.

 

Take care of yourself, get some books on Codependency.. they can help you, Alanon is where I feel you will get the most help in taking back your life without enabling the Alcoholic..

 

Keep posting on LS and take care of yourself first...

 

[S2B]

Unless he hits bottom he will NOT be able to quit drinking, you are going to hold him up and not allow him to hit his bottom, sorry to be harsh but as an Alcoholic I can't sit here and not say anything..

 

He doesn't need a therapist right now, he needs AA and a sponsor... he can get a therapist later on after he has quit drinking.

 

Take care of yourself, get some books on Codependency.. they can help you, Alanon is where I feel you will get the most help in taking back your life without enabling the Alcoholic..

 

Keep posting on LS and take care of yourself first...

 

 

I agree ^^^^ with one additional suggestion - IF he plans to get sober he may benefit from a formal detox. That's the best way to start without risking his life.

[S2B]

Yikes, supportive to kind of harsh.

 

Maybe I didn't clarify enough, but I didn't feel like I needed to at the time.

 

First of all, no one said he is going cold turkey. His doctor gave him instructions on how to ween off of the medication when the time was right for him. His whole purpose was to try out the medication and see how it worked and when he was ready to get off of them to do so in a safe and effective way. I also was on Lexapro awhile back and gave him the same information my doctor gave me on coming off of the medication. I was on it for longer than him, I should know a thing or two. You don't have to be a doctor to know how to ween off of something. It's a slow process to come off of a medication and I would never put him in harms way.

 

I am not being his mother. I am being a supportive girlfriend. There is a thin line, but in the end it's my boyfriends opinion that counts. He doesn't see it that way. He would tell me, he's a big boy and he stands up for himself and he would tell me if I'm crossing the line.

 

I suggested he come off since he isn't going to follow directions and not drink on them. He knows he isn't using it right, so why stay on it? Why makes things WORSE? He needs to deal with his alcohol dependence first. Once he gets that sorted out THEN he can go on medication if needed. It's not going to be a quick fix, we both realize this is going to be a long journey.

 

I am doing the best I can with what I know. I am taking care of myself from now on. But I also will remain a supportive girlfriend. I'm not just going to up and leave someone because life got hard. If one day, it becomes too hard, than fine, I'll know when it's right.

 

He sent me a really nice note today while I was at work saying he wanted to get help (seek a therapist) and he is really going to try to re-adjust and do what he knows is right. That was the moment I've been waiting to hear and it was a huge step for him. He said he is sorry for being stubborn, but he appreciates everything I do for him and how I am. He wants to get better.

 

I have faith in him. Not every story ends the same. It didn't end that way for my dad or his dad. I'm rooting for him. And I'll continue to stand by him.

 

I know a lot of people will shake their head and mumble how "She'll see it one day..." That's fine. I still appreciate all the support on here and I got some answers to my questions. I didn't dismiss the advice, I took note of it and when the time is right for me, I'll use it.

 

There are stories out there where alcoholics got help and in the beginning it was HARD for them and they were reluctant to it. They had to fall a couple times until it hit them that they need to do something about it.

 

I'll be there for him when he falls, I'll be there for him when he crosses the finish line also.

 

Good luck - you're going to need it.

 

CoDependent No More is what you should read. Melodie Beattie wrote it.

 

You are mothering him. You are TRYING to control him. He will resent you. You will try even more to control him and the alcohol.

 

It's a bad cycle... You're in for some pain, my Dear. Fasten that seat belt... It's a rough ride.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yikes, supportive to kind of harsh.

 

Tough love is still a form of love, you'll find this is a caring community. Most here are pulling for you and your BF, just hate to see you make the same mistakes many of us have already made.

 

The one suggestion, made several times, I haven't seen you respond to is attending a couple of Al-Anon meetings. Are you open to that?

 

Mr. Lucky

[startinganew777]

I'm sorry if I was harsh but you my dear have no idea what you are getting yourself into. The heartache, the stress, the worry, the resentment, frustration, I could go on and on. It is early days for you guys and already it is frustrating you. Already he has snapped at you about trying to control him.

 

 

I get angry because the things you say he says and his actions remind me so much of my ex husband. I thought I could handle it in the beginning too. Hell, he even went to rehab twice! At least he was willing to get help. Of course the rehab didn't work. He detoxed and said it was the most scary and painful thing he has ever had to do in his whole life, said he would never put himself through that again and start drinking and guess what, he did anyways.

 

 

I'm sorry but if your dad can drink a couple beers here and there, he was never an alcoholic. It is a disease that NEVER goes away. Sure, he probably abused alcohol and partied too hard but he didn't have the disease. When you are an alcoholic, you cannot moderate your consumption. Doesn't work that way.

 

 

I wasted 10 years of my life staying with someone I thought I could help. It was a lost cause. You can't fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. I don't know why you think you are different from any of us and he is just going to magically quit drinking. It never works. You are enabling him and as long as you are there taking care of him, he will not stop drinking.

 

 

Please get yourself to Al-Anon. You are going to need help as well as him. This is VERY important. Good luck because you are going to need it.

[No_Go]

I'm sorry but if your dad can drink a couple beers here and there, he was never an alcoholic. It is a disease that NEVER goes away. Sure, he probably abused alcohol and partied too hard but he didn't have the disease. When you are an alcoholic, you cannot moderate your consumption. Doesn't work that way.

 

That is a very important distinction. A person who can drink a couple of beers here and there without going back to high consumption has never been an alcoholic. Plus trust me, you would never miss the signs if your dad was alcoholic. It is not something one can hide from his family.

 

On a positive note: I do know a guy that was a full-blown alcoholic, and now lives normal life. However - when we visit him, we NEVER drink in his presence. He is going to AA and related meetings DAILY, and it has been 5+ years since he sopped. He's still under the risk to relapse any time, but he's managing it for now (and HE said he'll need to continue with the precautions for his entire life, that's what he has been told). So there is a chance for your BF with the caveat - he need to decide HIMSELF, and stop being enabled (the aforementioned guy was kicked on the street by his father and that's when he decided to change...brutal but worked).

[S2B]

Do you still plan to drive when you go out?

 

How about you have him drive...? Let's see how much you trust him not to drink - and not to put you and your life at risk.

[S2B]

Are you trying to marry this guy?

[JanenotPlain]

Hi there, I'm new to this forum also. I'm currently helping my mom leave my dad because he's an alcoholic. They've been married for 40 years. If you think it's painful to leave the man you love now, think about how hard it will be after a lifetime and raising two children together. Read my post if you're interested in my story. Your BF sounds like a serious alcoholic, not like your dad. Your BF sounds more like my dad. Lots of excuses. But always knowing just what to say to pull you back in and keep you around.

 

I can think of few qualities that are worse about a person, than substance abuse. You know how we always say when we're looking for a partner, we list the things we want and don't want? I mean, alcohol abuse or drug abuse are almost as bad as it gets in terms of vices. It's not just a bad habit, it impacts your entire life. In the case of my family, it's affecting my mom's life, my life, and my brother's life.

 

You're looking at this situation like it's a bump in the road you gotta get through to your happy ending. But the only way to help an alcoholic is to LEAVE them. Maybe he'll get sober and come find you in a year or two when he's stable. That's the only way you can have a future with this man. I'm sure he's a wonderful person, clearly why you love him so much. But this is problem you cannot fix and you cannot ignore. Sorry

 

People are getting harsh because you need a wake up call too. You need an intervention first, before he can have one.

[manheart1989]

Tough love is still a form of love, you'll find this is a caring community. Most here are pulling for you and your BF, just hate to see you make the same mistakes many of us have already made.

 

The one suggestion, made several times, I haven't seen you respond to is attending a couple of Al-Anon meetings. Are you open to that?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I did look into the site. Very interesting, but hard to maneuver in. Is there a forum or anything where people like me are going through the same thing?

 

I was looking at some meeting spots, but all of them are in churches. No offense, but I'm not a church goer and I don't want to be told that this is in "God's" hands. I want to go to a meeting that isn't surrounded by religion.

 

Do you still plan to drive when you go out?

 

How about you have him drive...? Let's see how much you trust him not to drink - and not to put you and your life at risk.

 

I don't drink that much, so yes, I would drive if he is drinking. Next time we are out, I'll see how he acts to that proposal of him driving instead.

 

Are you trying to marry this guy?

That was the intention. I'm in no rush and wouldn't make a decision like that unless I knew for sure it was right.

 

Honestly I was scared to come back here because I was afraid of how everyone would respond to my recent post. I know tough love is still love, but maybe I'm afraid to hear it because I know it's true. It does hurt me. A part of me doesn't want to believe it because I don't want to leave him.

[Art_Critic]

They may meet in churches but they are no part of the church.. they just rent out or sign out the meeting rooms from the churches...

 

The same with AA, I have been to Fellowship Halls, Library's and the like, churches and even the Shriners rent/use out their space for AA and Alanon.

 

Call your local Alanon chapter and speak with someone or go to a meeting in your area and sit back and listen...

[Art_Critic]

Even the American Legion will let AA and Alanon use their space...

 

It's just a meeting place and isn't affiliated with where they meet

[manheart1989]

I appreciate you sharing your story. I'm sorry you are going through that.

 

Perhaps I am codependent, and surprisingly I already have read those books mentioned before. I was in a relationship before that was so damaging and in that I learned I was co-dependent because I couldn't leave him.

 

They did help and one day I finally broke the cycle and left him for good. I look back now and realize what a jerk and coward he was and how I wasted years with him!

 

But this man, despite his addiction, treats me like a queen. Take away the alcohol every evening, the 10 beers a night, and you got a gift of a man. I know that means nothing to strangers.

 

The alcohol vice SUCKS, but I have faith in him that one day he will reach that point of recovery. Every alcoholic is in denial in the beginning and in time they will realize they need help; with the push of those that love them or perhaps, a push from destiny. When I see him get there and he refuses to change or get help, then I will know this is not for me.

 

(I feel like anything I share or say isn't going to be used against me, so I don't really know what to say)

 

Hi there, I'm new to this forum also. I'm currently helping my mom leave my dad because he's an alcoholic. They've been married for 40 years. If you think it's painful to leave the man you love now, think about how hard it will be after a lifetime and raising two children together. Read my post if you're interested in my story. Your BF sounds like a serious alcoholic, not like your dad. Your BF sounds more like my dad. Lots of excuses. But always knowing just what to say to pull you back in and keep you around.

 

I can think of few qualities that are worse about a person, than substance abuse. You know how we always say when we're looking for a partner, we list the things we want and don't want? I mean, alcohol abuse or drug abuse are almost as bad as it gets in terms of vices. It's not just a bad habit, it impacts your entire life. In the case of my family, it's affecting my mom's life, my life, and my brother's life.

 

You're looking at this situation like it's a bump in the road you gotta get through to your happy ending. But the only way to help an alcoholic is to LEAVE them. Maybe he'll get sober and come find you in a year or two when he's stable. That's the only way you can have a future with this man. I'm sure he's a wonderful person, clearly why you love him so much. But this is problem you cannot fix and you cannot ignore. Sorry

 

People are getting harsh because you need a wake up call too. You need an intervention first, before he can have one.

[manheart1989]

They may meet in churches but they are no part of the church.. they just rent out or sign out the meeting rooms from the churches...

 

The same with AA, I have been to Fellowship Halls, Library's and the like, churches and even the Shriners rent/use out their space for AA and Alanon.

 

Call your local Alanon chapter and speak with someone or go to a meeting in your area and sit back and listen...

 

OH! thanks for letting me know that! I'll definitely look into it now.