High Functioning Alcoholic

[Art_Critic]

But it is how partners of alcoholics become enmeshed.

 

Codependency....

 

She is becoming Codependent on him

[MidwestUSA]

Which medical school did you graduate from?

 

manheart1989, he's a grown man under the care of a doctor. Your attempts to manage his care are part of your overall efforts to "fix" him, same with trying to monitor his drinking.

 

 

Guess who's going to take the blame when he spirals down? No, it's not good to mix AD and alcohol, but it's also wrong to discontinue the drug without his doctor's supervision.

 

OP, get out. I was married to one. Had I not run, his medical bills would have ruined me. 'High functioning chemist/biologist' now needs a liver.

 

Guess what? He's not a candidate, and he's not friends with Phil Collins.

[AMJ]

It sounds like you're using the alcoholics you know in your life to give yourself some hope that people can work though the disease and come out better on the other side. And you're approaching this like a project that you can work on. You want to know the steps to take to fix this problem.

 

I know your heart is in the right place but you really do not understand what problem you're dealing with. Someone who has a severe alcohol problem can't ever just drink 1-2 drinks like your dad does. And if you've known your dad your whole life and are only just now learning that he has an alcohol problem, then he doesn't really have a severe problem. If you knew how bad it will get, you would leave now, I promise you.

 

I agree you should not be giving him this medical advice and trying to be a doctor. Also, his hemorrhoid surgery is likely due to his drinking. Alcoholics have those all the time. I've noticed especially beer drinkers for some reason.

 

You are headed towards a lot of pain, and I feel bad for you.

[No_Go]

I agree you should not be giving him this medical advice and trying to be a doctor. Also, his hemorrhoid surgery is likely due to his drinking. Alcoholics have those all the time. I've noticed especially beer drinkers for some reason.

 

I wanted to add one thing which s VERY grim but must be looked for in alcoholics because it is deadly. Varices in the oesophagus - i.e. another type of vascular issue, but in the upper part of GI. In general alcohol (liver damage) causes significant vascular problems, this is probably the most deadly one. If hes going for GI surgery anyway, they may check for these as well.

 

Another vascular issue: if you notice spider like capillaries on his face and body, that's also coming from alcohol liver damage. Beware.

[startinganew777]

Dropping Lexapro cold turkey is a bad, bad idea. People can become suicidal! It can make his depression way worse which in turn causes heavier drinking. You have already witnessed how much he wants to drink when things go wrong or he gets upset.

 

 

Please stop acting like his mother or doctor. It isn't attractive to him at all. I know you mean well but you are his girlfriend, not his doctor. Just imagine a lifetime of this. It will not end well. Get out now. You will regret it if you don't and waste years on trying to take care of an addict. And forget about having kids unless you want to be a single mother because he won't be there for you. Alcohol will be more important than his whole family. Please, please don't start a family with him. It will be torture for you and especially your kids. You don't want to subject them to that kind of life!!! It is horrible!

[manheart1989]

Yikes, supportive to kind of harsh.

 

Maybe I didn't clarify enough, but I didn't feel like I needed to at the time.

 

First of all, no one said he is going cold turkey. His doctor gave him instructions on how to ween off of the medication when the time was right for him. His whole purpose was to try out the medication and see how it worked and when he was ready to get off of them to do so in a safe and effective way. I also was on Lexapro awhile back and gave him the same information my doctor gave me on coming off of the medication. I was on it for longer than him, I should know a thing or two. You don't have to be a doctor to know how to ween off of something. It's a slow process to come off of a medication and I would never put him in harms way.

 

I am not being his mother. I am being a supportive girlfriend. There is a thin line, but in the end it's my boyfriends opinion that counts. He doesn't see it that way. He would tell me, he's a big boy and he stands up for himself and he would tell me if I'm crossing the line.

 

I suggested he come off since he isn't going to follow directions and not drink on them. He knows he isn't using it right, so why stay on it? Why makes things WORSE? He needs to deal with his alcohol dependence first. Once he gets that sorted out THEN he can go on medication if needed. It's not going to be a quick fix, we both realize this is going to be a long journey.

 

I am doing the best I can with what I know. I am taking care of myself from now on. But I also will remain a supportive girlfriend. I'm not just going to up and leave someone because life got hard. If one day, it becomes too hard, than fine, I'll know when it's right.

 

He sent me a really nice note today while I was at work saying he wanted to get help (seek a therapist) and he is really going to try to re-adjust and do what he knows is right. That was the moment I've been waiting to hear and it was a huge step for him. He said he is sorry for being stubborn, but he appreciates everything I do for him and how I am. He wants to get better.

 

I have faith in him. Not every story ends the same. It didn't end that way for my dad or his dad. I'm rooting for him. And I'll continue to stand by him.

 

I know a lot of people will shake their head and mumble how "She'll see it one day..." That's fine. I still appreciate all the support on here and I got some answers to my questions. I didn't dismiss the advice, I took note of it and when the time is right for me, I'll use it.

 

There are stories out there where alcoholics got help and in the beginning it was HARD for them and they were reluctant to it. They had to fall a couple times until it hit them that they need to do something about it.

 

I'll be there for him when he falls, I'll be there for him when he crosses the finish line also.

[Art_Critic]

Unless he hits bottom he will NOT be able to quit drinking, you are going to hold him up and not allow him to hit his bottom, sorry to be harsh but as an Alcoholic I can't sit here and not say anything..

 

He doesn't need a therapist right now, he needs AA and a sponsor... he can get a therapist later on after he has quit drinking.

 

Take care of yourself, get some books on Codependency.. they can help you, Alanon is where I feel you will get the most help in taking back your life without enabling the Alcoholic..

 

Keep posting on LS and take care of yourself first...

 

[Mr. Lucky]

Yikes, supportive to kind of harsh.

 

Tough love is still a form of love, you'll find this is a caring community. Most here are pulling for you and your BF, just hate to see you make the same mistakes many of us have already made.

 

The one suggestion, made several times, I haven't seen you respond to is attending a couple of Al-Anon meetings. Are you open to that?

 

Mr. Lucky

[startinganew777]

I'm sorry if I was harsh but you my dear have no idea what you are getting yourself into. The heartache, the stress, the worry, the resentment, frustration, I could go on and on. It is early days for you guys and already it is frustrating you. Already he has snapped at you about trying to control him.

 

 

I get angry because the things you say he says and his actions remind me so much of my ex husband. I thought I could handle it in the beginning too. Hell, he even went to rehab twice! At least he was willing to get help. Of course the rehab didn't work. He detoxed and said it was the most scary and painful thing he has ever had to do in his whole life, said he would never put himself through that again and start drinking and guess what, he did anyways.

 

 

I'm sorry but if your dad can drink a couple beers here and there, he was never an alcoholic. It is a disease that NEVER goes away. Sure, he probably abused alcohol and partied too hard but he didn't have the disease. When you are an alcoholic, you cannot moderate your consumption. Doesn't work that way.

 

 

I wasted 10 years of my life staying with someone I thought I could help. It was a lost cause. You can't fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. I don't know why you think you are different from any of us and he is just going to magically quit drinking. It never works. You are enabling him and as long as you are there taking care of him, he will not stop drinking.

 

 

Please get yourself to Al-Anon. You are going to need help as well as him. This is VERY important. Good luck because you are going to need it.

[No_Go]

I'm sorry but if your dad can drink a couple beers here and there, he was never an alcoholic. It is a disease that NEVER goes away. Sure, he probably abused alcohol and partied too hard but he didn't have the disease. When you are an alcoholic, you cannot moderate your consumption. Doesn't work that way.

 

That is a very important distinction. A person who can drink a couple of beers here and there without going back to high consumption has never been an alcoholic. Plus trust me, you would never miss the signs if your dad was alcoholic. It is not something one can hide from his family.

 

On a positive note: I do know a guy that was a full-blown alcoholic, and now lives normal life. However - when we visit him, we NEVER drink in his presence. He is going to AA and related meetings DAILY, and it has been 5+ years since he sopped. He's still under the risk to relapse any time, but he's managing it for now (and HE said he'll need to continue with the precautions for his entire life, that's what he has been told). So there is a chance for your BF with the caveat - he need to decide HIMSELF, and stop being enabled (the aforementioned guy was kicked on the street by his father and that's when he decided to change...brutal but worked).

[JanenotPlain]

Hi there, I'm new to this forum also. I'm currently helping my mom leave my dad because he's an alcoholic. They've been married for 40 years. If you think it's painful to leave the man you love now, think about how hard it will be after a lifetime and raising two children together. Read my post if you're interested in my story. Your BF sounds like a serious alcoholic, not like your dad. Your BF sounds more like my dad. Lots of excuses. But always knowing just what to say to pull you back in and keep you around.

 

I can think of few qualities that are worse about a person, than substance abuse. You know how we always say when we're looking for a partner, we list the things we want and don't want? I mean, alcohol abuse or drug abuse are almost as bad as it gets in terms of vices. It's not just a bad habit, it impacts your entire life. In the case of my family, it's affecting my mom's life, my life, and my brother's life.

 

You're looking at this situation like it's a bump in the road you gotta get through to your happy ending. But the only way to help an alcoholic is to LEAVE them. Maybe he'll get sober and come find you in a year or two when he's stable. That's the only way you can have a future with this man. I'm sure he's a wonderful person, clearly why you love him so much. But this is problem you cannot fix and you cannot ignore. Sorry

 

People are getting harsh because you need a wake up call too. You need an intervention first, before he can have one.

[manheart1989]

Tough love is still a form of love, you'll find this is a caring community. Most here are pulling for you and your BF, just hate to see you make the same mistakes many of us have already made.

 

The one suggestion, made several times, I haven't seen you respond to is attending a couple of Al-Anon meetings. Are you open to that?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I did look into the site. Very interesting, but hard to maneuver in. Is there a forum or anything where people like me are going through the same thing?

 

I was looking at some meeting spots, but all of them are in churches. No offense, but I'm not a church goer and I don't want to be told that this is in "God's" hands. I want to go to a meeting that isn't surrounded by religion.

 

Do you still plan to drive when you go out?

 

How about you have him drive...? Let's see how much you trust him not to drink - and not to put you and your life at risk.

 

I don't drink that much, so yes, I would drive if he is drinking. Next time we are out, I'll see how he acts to that proposal of him driving instead.

 

Are you trying to marry this guy?

That was the intention. I'm in no rush and wouldn't make a decision like that unless I knew for sure it was right.

 

Honestly I was scared to come back here because I was afraid of how everyone would respond to my recent post. I know tough love is still love, but maybe I'm afraid to hear it because I know it's true. It does hurt me. A part of me doesn't want to believe it because I don't want to leave him.

[Art_Critic]

They may meet in churches but they are no part of the church.. they just rent out or sign out the meeting rooms from the churches...

 

The same with AA, I have been to Fellowship Halls, Library's and the like, churches and even the Shriners rent/use out their space for AA and Alanon.

 

Call your local Alanon chapter and speak with someone or go to a meeting in your area and sit back and listen...

[Art_Critic]

Even the American Legion will let AA and Alanon use their space...

 

It's just a meeting place and isn't affiliated with where they meet

[manheart1989]

I appreciate you sharing your story. I'm sorry you are going through that.

 

Perhaps I am codependent, and surprisingly I already have read those books mentioned before. I was in a relationship before that was so damaging and in that I learned I was co-dependent because I couldn't leave him.

 

They did help and one day I finally broke the cycle and left him for good. I look back now and realize what a jerk and coward he was and how I wasted years with him!

 

But this man, despite his addiction, treats me like a queen. Take away the alcohol every evening, the 10 beers a night, and you got a gift of a man. I know that means nothing to strangers.

 

The alcohol vice SUCKS, but I have faith in him that one day he will reach that point of recovery. Every alcoholic is in denial in the beginning and in time they will realize they need help; with the push of those that love them or perhaps, a push from destiny. When I see him get there and he refuses to change or get help, then I will know this is not for me.

 

(I feel like anything I share or say isn't going to be used against me, so I don't really know what to say)

 

Hi there, I'm new to this forum also. I'm currently helping my mom leave my dad because he's an alcoholic. They've been married for 40 years. If you think it's painful to leave the man you love now, think about how hard it will be after a lifetime and raising two children together. Read my post if you're interested in my story. Your BF sounds like a serious alcoholic, not like your dad. Your BF sounds more like my dad. Lots of excuses. But always knowing just what to say to pull you back in and keep you around.

 

I can think of few qualities that are worse about a person, than substance abuse. You know how we always say when we're looking for a partner, we list the things we want and don't want? I mean, alcohol abuse or drug abuse are almost as bad as it gets in terms of vices. It's not just a bad habit, it impacts your entire life. In the case of my family, it's affecting my mom's life, my life, and my brother's life.

 

You're looking at this situation like it's a bump in the road you gotta get through to your happy ending. But the only way to help an alcoholic is to LEAVE them. Maybe he'll get sober and come find you in a year or two when he's stable. That's the only way you can have a future with this man. I'm sure he's a wonderful person, clearly why you love him so much. But this is problem you cannot fix and you cannot ignore. Sorry

 

People are getting harsh because you need a wake up call too. You need an intervention first, before he can have one.

[manheart1989]

They may meet in churches but they are no part of the church.. they just rent out or sign out the meeting rooms from the churches...

 

The same with AA, I have been to Fellowship Halls, Library's and the like, churches and even the Shriners rent/use out their space for AA and Alanon.

 

Call your local Alanon chapter and speak with someone or go to a meeting in your area and sit back and listen...

 

OH! thanks for letting me know that! I'll definitely look into it now.

[startinganew777]

"But this man, despite his addiction, treats me like a queen. Take away the alcohol every evening, the 10 beers a night, and you got a gift of a man. I know that means nothing to strangers.

 

The alcohol vice SUCKS, but I have faith in him that one day he will reach that point of recovery. Every alcoholic is in denial in the beginning and in time they will realize they need help; with the push of those that love them or perhaps, a push from destiny. When I see him get there and he refuses to change or get help, then I will know this is not for me."

 

 

What about the time he lost it because he thought you took a sticker off his hat? What about the time he drank too much on your bd and you had to drive him, or all the other times you have had to drive him. What about when he basically said he wasn't going to stop drinking and that you just had to accept it? How is that treating you like a queen?! I don't see it.

 

 

Thing is, he will not come to that realization that he needs help if you are always there to pick up the pieces. He needs something really, really bad to happen for him to realize. That is what you don't understand. Maybe you leaving would be what he needs to push him over the edge and make him realize he would rather have you back then ever drink again.

[manheart1989]

How is that treating you like a queen?! I don't see it.

I knew someone would say that. That's why I said "despite the alcohol". Relationships are going to have bad moments. I'm not perfect either. He has been really good to me over all.

 

Thing is, he will not come to that realization that he needs help if you are always there to pick up the pieces. He needs something really, really bad to happen for him to realize. That is what you don't understand. Maybe you leaving would be what he needs to push him over the edge and make him realize he would rather have you back then ever drink again.

 

I'm afraid if I do that then it will be over for good. Do you know how hard that is to do? This isn't easy everyone. I'm not ready to make such a huge heartbreaking decision. I'm just not ready. I'm not going to pick up the pieces anymore. I'm going to let him make his own decision and I'm not telling him what to do anymore. Maybe me leaving would make him go into a deeper depression and drink more alcohol? Nobody knows what will happen.

[startinganew777]

"I'm afraid if I do that then it will be over for good. Do you know how hard that is to do?"

 

 

Yes, remember, I was married to an alcoholic. I had to leave what I thought was my soul mate and best friend. We were together 10 years. But I did it. Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. Believe me, I know.

 

 

But now I'm the happiest I have ever been.

[AMJ]

I agree, if you really are serious about making this relationship work you will need al-anon.

It's a support system for you that will help you keep yourself whole when his disease starts to tear you apart. People there will all have similar stories to yours.

 

I don't want to knock your relationship. I'm sure he does treat you like a queen. But things are going to start going downhill. It's typical behavior for an alcoholic to say- sure I'll go get help. And then go to a meeting or therapy appointment...maybe even a few meetings. This is called buying themselves time, and getting you off their back. He figures in a month or so you'll forget all about it, and things can go back to the way they were.

 

Then you start to push harder for him to go to meetings or rehab, and maybe even get strong enough to give him an ultimatum. The harder you push him to get sober, the harder he will push back. I was the one trying to get my brother off of drugs when I was 18. I had so many arguments with him that were like talking to a brick wall.

 

AA isn't really religious. They say a prayer and believe that you have to give yourself over to a higher power but that's more about spirituality and having faith than a religion. And the giving yourself over to a higher power thing is important because we all need to realize that there's a bigger picture, a reason and a purpose for things. That's helpful for people who suffer from depression also- like your BF does.

[manheart1989]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

[Art_Critic]

The Alcoholic will always make it about themselves, we are self centered that way, we also blame shift and make others around us feel guilt for our drinking and issues...

 

We cannot/do not take responsibility for our own actions.. until we do our steps...

 

Step 8 is the hardest to do and he isn't ready for step 8, he has to do step 1 first...

 

Step 8:

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 1:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

I'm sorry you feel a mess right now, I can't tell you what to do but would ask that you seek help from others locally around you, family or Alanon

[Art_Critic]

BTW, he doesn't need to drink less, he needs to stop drinking at all.. he needs to give it up for good and for all....

[BlueIris]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

 

The underlined bits above are lies to shift blame (because blame is very important if you want to avoid change). You had reason. It wasn't out of nowhere. He has done things that caused you concern.

 

So don't hate yourself. See this for what it is: manipulation. You are free to have opinions and not to like things that he does.

[AMJ]

The underlined bits above are lies to shift blame (because blame is very important if you want to avoid change). You had reason. It wasn't out of nowhere. He has done things that caused you concern.

 

So don't hate yourself. See this for what it is: manipulation. You are free to have opinions and not to like things that he does.

 

Yes, yes, and yes. If there wasn't a problem, you wouldn't have come here looking for answers in the first place. He doesn't want to accept responsibility for his actions. It hurts because you love him, not because you did anything wrong.

 

How bad you feel right now, is just the beginning. The more you try to get him to quit, the worse he will make you feel.