High Functioning Alcoholic

[startinganew777]

"But this man, despite his addiction, treats me like a queen. Take away the alcohol every evening, the 10 beers a night, and you got a gift of a man. I know that means nothing to strangers.

 

The alcohol vice SUCKS, but I have faith in him that one day he will reach that point of recovery. Every alcoholic is in denial in the beginning and in time they will realize they need help; with the push of those that love them or perhaps, a push from destiny. When I see him get there and he refuses to change or get help, then I will know this is not for me."

 

 

What about the time he lost it because he thought you took a sticker off his hat? What about the time he drank too much on your bd and you had to drive him, or all the other times you have had to drive him. What about when he basically said he wasn't going to stop drinking and that you just had to accept it? How is that treating you like a queen?! I don't see it.

 

 

Thing is, he will not come to that realization that he needs help if you are always there to pick up the pieces. He needs something really, really bad to happen for him to realize. That is what you don't understand. Maybe you leaving would be what he needs to push him over the edge and make him realize he would rather have you back then ever drink again.

[manheart1989]

How is that treating you like a queen?! I don't see it.

I knew someone would say that. That's why I said "despite the alcohol". Relationships are going to have bad moments. I'm not perfect either. He has been really good to me over all.

 

Thing is, he will not come to that realization that he needs help if you are always there to pick up the pieces. He needs something really, really bad to happen for him to realize. That is what you don't understand. Maybe you leaving would be what he needs to push him over the edge and make him realize he would rather have you back then ever drink again.

 

I'm afraid if I do that then it will be over for good. Do you know how hard that is to do? This isn't easy everyone. I'm not ready to make such a huge heartbreaking decision. I'm just not ready. I'm not going to pick up the pieces anymore. I'm going to let him make his own decision and I'm not telling him what to do anymore. Maybe me leaving would make him go into a deeper depression and drink more alcohol? Nobody knows what will happen.

[S2B]

It's not religion based. Some meetings are at churches because it's a building and the group can pay rent to meet there.

 

It is up to each individual to choose a power source that works for them.

 

In this case you have made your boyfriend your higher power by handing him too much of your power... And he makes his higher power his alcohol.

 

So you are twice removed from having any power over this problem.

 

I hope you can open your mind to going to al anon - you have made assumptions to roadblock any help you can get/receive.

 

Have you read the book yet? The one several people have suggested...

[startinganew777]

"I'm afraid if I do that then it will be over for good. Do you know how hard that is to do?"

 

 

Yes, remember, I was married to an alcoholic. I had to leave what I thought was my soul mate and best friend. We were together 10 years. But I did it. Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. Believe me, I know.

 

 

But now I'm the happiest I have ever been.

[AMJ]

I agree, if you really are serious about making this relationship work you will need al-anon.

It's a support system for you that will help you keep yourself whole when his disease starts to tear you apart. People there will all have similar stories to yours.

 

I don't want to knock your relationship. I'm sure he does treat you like a queen. But things are going to start going downhill. It's typical behavior for an alcoholic to say- sure I'll go get help. And then go to a meeting or therapy appointment...maybe even a few meetings. This is called buying themselves time, and getting you off their back. He figures in a month or so you'll forget all about it, and things can go back to the way they were.

 

Then you start to push harder for him to go to meetings or rehab, and maybe even get strong enough to give him an ultimatum. The harder you push him to get sober, the harder he will push back. I was the one trying to get my brother off of drugs when I was 18. I had so many arguments with him that were like talking to a brick wall.

 

AA isn't really religious. They say a prayer and believe that you have to give yourself over to a higher power but that's more about spirituality and having faith than a religion. And the giving yourself over to a higher power thing is important because we all need to realize that there's a bigger picture, a reason and a purpose for things. That's helpful for people who suffer from depression also- like your BF does.

[manheart1989]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

[Art_Critic]

The Alcoholic will always make it about themselves, we are self centered that way, we also blame shift and make others around us feel guilt for our drinking and issues...

 

We cannot/do not take responsibility for our own actions.. until we do our steps...

 

Step 8 is the hardest to do and he isn't ready for step 8, he has to do step 1 first...

 

Step 8:

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 1:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

I'm sorry you feel a mess right now, I can't tell you what to do but would ask that you seek help from others locally around you, family or Alanon

[Art_Critic]

BTW, he doesn't need to drink less, he needs to stop drinking at all.. he needs to give it up for good and for all....

[BlueIris]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

 

The underlined bits above are lies to shift blame (because blame is very important if you want to avoid change). You had reason. It wasn't out of nowhere. He has done things that caused you concern.

 

So don't hate yourself. See this for what it is: manipulation. You are free to have opinions and not to like things that he does.

[AMJ]

The underlined bits above are lies to shift blame (because blame is very important if you want to avoid change). You had reason. It wasn't out of nowhere. He has done things that caused you concern.

 

So don't hate yourself. See this for what it is: manipulation. You are free to have opinions and not to like things that he does.

 

Yes, yes, and yes. If there wasn't a problem, you wouldn't have come here looking for answers in the first place. He doesn't want to accept responsibility for his actions. It hurts because you love him, not because you did anything wrong.

 

How bad you feel right now, is just the beginning. The more you try to get him to quit, the worse he will make you feel.

[S2B]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

 

Because he doesn't want to quit drinking - heck, he probably doesn't even want to cut back.

 

So he picks a fight that makes you feel badly - like you did something wrong!

 

 

You didn't! It's just that he's the a-hole drinker that wants to blame anyone but himself. Typical of the alcoholic who is actively drinking. I speak from experience.

 

And now that YOU have expectations of him changing - notice how he's pushing you away? Not healthy behavior! Not loving behavior either!

 

Why are you hanging on so tight? Honestly, you DO NOT really know this guy because you've never seen him sober for an extended period of time. Until he sober long term you really only have known his altered self.

 

You may not even like him sober.

[Poppyolive]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

 

 

My dearest, he is content being an alcoholic. He doesn't want to change, the drinking less Is only to keep you sweet, for now. To him being an alcoholic isn't an issue, it's working for him. He will end up resenting you. It's already happening. You guys are only 10months in? A relationship shouldn't be this toxic. A relationship only works when two people come together, by choice, to make things great. To inspire eachother. And so many other things, You've jumped right in trying to change him. I bet you're a very sweet girl, that cares deeply, empathic beyond words and maybe you should be giving that to yourself right now, because he doesn't want it. You're the side to his alcohol. Why are you trying to change him when he doesn't want to change?

 

All this trying, suggesting he'll drink less, is all biding time. The promises are all biding time. My ex was the same. Promises, more promises and even more promises. Like you, I became his mom. On the day he left, he told me, he never had any intention of stopping. That I should of left the first time. That was after 6 years. He bided his time. And wasted mine. You know how much that still hurts? Saying he never had any intention of keeping up with counseling, drinking less, stopping. At least you're is telling you clearly. Why are you hanging on? If you can live with him like this, as is, and accept the progressiveness of his disease, without changing him then good on you.

[S2B]

Have you always had a need to rescue men you date?

[BlueIris]

Because he doesn't want to quit drinking - heck, he probably doesn't even want to cut back.

 

So he picks a fight that makes you feel badly - like you did something wrong!

 

 

You didn't! It's just that he's the a-hole drinker that wants to blame anyone but himself. Typical of the alcoholic who is actively drinking. I speak from experience.

 

And now that YOU have expectations of him changing - notice how he's pushing you away? Not healthy behavior! Not loving behavior either!

 

Why are you hanging on so tight? Honestly, you DO NOT really know this guy because you've never seen him sober for an extended period of time. Until he sober long term you really only have known his altered self.

 

You may not even like him sober.

 

This ^^ is really important, true.

[Popsicle]

Hi Popsicle!

 

I'd love to hear about your experience with it! Feel free to post on here about it :-)

 

It makes me feel less alone to know I'm not the only one going through it right now.

 

Yep, I am too. I made my thread but my situation is a little different than yours.

 

As for my opinion on what you should do, I think that you are young and beautiful (if that is you in your avatar) and have your whole life ahead of you. He would not be the best choice to marry and have kids with. I think you should cut loose of this considering that. Or, if you are willing to take the risk on a life like that, at the very least, tell him to contact you once he is sober and then you can try again.

[S2B]

How did he find your thread here?

[Phoebe]

You're not going to listen because things haven't become bad enough yet, but you should run. Run and don't look back. I lived with a "functioning" alcoholic for 3 years. At first he was so sweet and loving, treated me wonderfully. Cried in my arms because he said he didn't deserve me. I had no experience with alcoholism and didn't know what it was at first, then I underestimated it. I thought it was something that I could help him with. I thought if I could say the right words or do the right things he would understand what had become obvious to me and change.

 

He did change, he got worse. He got the shakes if he didn't drink, spent days in bed depressed, made countless promises and resolutions that he was going to drink less/quit - it never lasted. His anger that used to be directed to the world, started to come my way. Me and my dogs pretty much ended up tiptoeing around him because who knew what stupid little thing would cause him to do a 180 and become furious. He ended up breaking up with me for someone else that he worked with shortly before he got fired (I'm sure he believed that I had become distant). He blamed his firing on her and the stories he thought she told about his drinking, for example the day he drove her son around drunk. He didn't think that went down too well with his boss.

 

Hope kept me in that relationship for much longer than I should have been. You love them and want to give them a chance, you don't want to give up on them. Only you can make the decision of when enough is enough. My ex is not a bad man, but he had some issues in childhood that he didn't deal with and decided to self-medicate with alcohol. He drank poison and was poisoning everything around him, everything he touched. In trying to help keep him afloat though he nearly drowned me, and that is not something that I would ever choose to go through again. If he ever tried to contact me I would run away screaming, I refuse to be sucked back into that hopeless situation again.

[Popsicle]

^^Thats the future I see too with an alcoholic.

[Mr. Lucky]

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

I'll just again point out what others have already said - now it's not about his drinking, it's about you being the bad guy for being troubled about his drinking. Manipulation, blame shifting and passive/aggressive behavior - how dare you be concerned about him!

 

You've done this dance for 10 months, think about doing it for the next 10 years ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

When I checked out of rehab they sat my codependent family down and told them to step away - that I had a lot of work to do on myself - and they couldn't do it "for me".

 

Which was true. They still tried to - being the controlling types that they were... And I had to remind them to step away it was my job to do myself.

 

You are twice removed from the problem. The alcohol is in charge, it controls him, then you try controlling him AND the alcohol... It's a battle you won't win.

 

He either does this full blast or your still dating an active alcoholic - which can get VERY ugly no matter how much someone loves you. The alcoholic loves the drink more.

 

And IF he chooses NOT to quit entirely - he has a bigger problem than he thinks.

 

Any "normal" drinker can stop willingly any time - the alcoholic? Not so much.

 

YOU will never beat his alcohol problem - that's only his battle to tackle.

 

And since he says he doesn't intend to quit then Hess left you literally no choice but to live a life feeling unsafe with no security. That sucks big time no matter who you're dating.

 

If you love yourself you should end it until he's been sober a long while - long enough to know who he really is without being altered.

[startinganew777]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

 

Wow, well yeah, that is pretty typical of an alcoholic to place blame on you instead of take responsibility for their actions. You didn't do anything wrong. PLEASE believe that!

 

 

I know you are probably going to do what you want to do no matter what we say here but I want you to imagine that it is someone you care about deeply that is going through your same problem. Imagine your best friend coming to you telling you the same thing you have been telling us, asking for advice. What would you tell her?

 

 

This is just the beginning. It will only go downhill from here. You have to believe that. He will NOT stop drinking. And alcoholics can't moderate or cut down. Mine tried doing the same thing. He did it for a while and then started right back up. He did this for years. Actually right before we got married he was sober for months. Then after, he assumed then he had me for sure and it got worse and worse and that is when the hard alcohol came into the picture. The hiding and finding empty vodka bottles everywhere. The mental abuse. It was horrible.

 

 

We have been through it and notice how all our stories are so similar? Alcoholics all have the same personality traits pretty much. The manipulation, the lying, the blaming. I know you won't want to leave now because it hasn't gotten bad enough yet but it will. I hate to say it. And you will then regret your decision about not leaving now. And you will hate yourself even more.

[beatcuff]

I'll just again point out what others have already said - now it's not about his drinking, it's about you being the bad guy for being troubled about his drinking. Manipulation, blame shifting and passive/aggressive behavior - how dare you be concerned about him!

 

You've done this dance for 10 months

 

this is common theme on this thread. but we are NOT talking about a 10+ year relationship in which the OP just came to the realization there is a problem... this is who he was, how she found him. the problem is NOT his. he has chosen this life and while it may not be for me or you it is for him.

 

so why is HE being manipulative or 'blame shifting' when this is him. SHE changed, she is making now demands, she is now offering medical advice (lexapro), she is now trying to change him under the guise of 'helping' him. maybe he is happy the way he is?

 

OP i suggested before to 'step' back instead you went all 'in all' with ultimatums and have lost any leverage. continue this path and frustration awaits.

 

now i offer my own: good luck.

[anika99]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

 

And how did he happen to find out about this site and this thread? I'm betting you showed it to him.

 

Seriously you are not listening. We have all told you to either accept him as he is, alcohol and all, or end the relationship. Stop hounding him to change. That isn't going to work. Stop trying to manage his life by pushing him to quit drinking, by trying to take over his medication or get him to go to counselling. That is all codependent behaviour and it's not healthy. Accept him or leave him. Those are your choices.

[Lois_Griffin]

.....and I am an alcoholic, but not to the extent that you think.

LOL. Is that like only being kind of pregnant?

 

I told him if we had kids if things would change. He said he would never want his kids to see him drinking and he would make sure they didn't. So that means he is going to hide it? Doesn't that tell him something?

I don't mean this to be harsh, but what kind of complete fool even CONSIDERS having kids with an alcoholic?

 

The only time he's sober is at work. Once he's home, all bets are off. You said yourself if he's been drinking YOU have to drive. That means aside from never being able to leave your kids under this drunk's care, you'd be dealing with having to cater to a man-child who needs to be driven everywhere because he can't stop himself from drinking 10 beers a day. So lucky you - that means YOU'LL have to pack up all your kids and drag them out to the car every single time he needs to be driven somewhere.

 

Who the HELL would sign up for that?

 

You need to realign your thinking REAL quick about having kids with someone like this.

 

This is a big decision for me. I have to do what is right for me and my sanity. I have to figure it out whether I'm someone who can sit back and watch or decide to go our separate ways.

With all due respect, this ISN'T a 'big' decision for you. It's TEN MONTHS of dating for God's sakes. You're infusing SO much drama where it doesn't even belong. You're acting like you've been married to the guy for 20 years and have all this shared history with him, children you've raised together, shared extended family, finances, legalities, real property, 20 years of family memories, 20 years of ups and downs and joys and sorrows and everything ELSE.

 

You don't have that.

 

This is NOT the biggest decision of your life.

 

But if you make a foolish decision to hitch your wagon to THIS guy, it will be the WORST decision of your life.

 

That, dear lady, is a promise.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi guys,

 

So he found out about this site and said that maybe all of you are right, that maybe I should leave him.

 

he said:

I don't get you sometimes

You've opened this Pandora's box for no reason and out of no where and I don't get it

I feel like **** right now and I shouldn't

I can see if I did something because of alcohol that changed things but I've never done anything. You went from understanding me to something else entirely. Complete 180 and I did nothing

AND I've even said I will work on drinking less

 

Now we aren't talking. Why do I feel so helpless right now? I hate myself.

Welcome to the REST of your life if you stay with this drunk.

 

I kid you not.

 

THIS will be your life.