I am the worst

[morris6565]

Ok - this requires a little bit of a back story. I used to be a womanizer and serial cheater. I dated a girl in my twenties for six years and occasionally cheated on her. There were maybe four or five flings over that time. The relationship was a disaster that we both stayed in for far too long. Looking back I now know I was cheating because I wanted to leave the relationship but was too scared to. I never told her and I eventually just got numb to the guilt and bad feelings associated with my actions. It was just kind of part of my normal life as sick as that sounds.

 

Eventually we broke up. I went through a phase for about three years where all I did was party and hook up with girls. Nothing exclusively. Then about three years ago, I met a girl that I actually liked to be around beyond just sex. We dated, I enjoyed it, but at the beginning, yes, there were still other girls on the side. That phase of my life just kind of overlapped the relationship for awhile. But then with some time, something changed. I full on, flat out fell for her. I began to change. Partying with my friends and other girls became less interesting while weekends and dates with her became priority number one. I've seen her exclusively without cheating or even temptation for about two years now. We've lived together for 18 months and I am excited about starting a permanent future with her. We have even started to discuss engagement. I have literally done a 180 since my days as a cheater. I look back at that person I was with a lot of hate. I've become a better person and I am so happy/proud that I did... and also incredibly thankful that she came along and made it happen.

 

Then last night happened. Most of my guy friends are single and still like going to the clubs, so I joined them last night because it is the only way I can have a guys night out. Long story short, a girl literally threw herself in my lap. A friend of mine was hanging out with her friend so I sort of played along. Peer pressure to be the wingman, I know it's stupid, but that's how it started. At the after party, there was some drunk making out. I swore to her I wasn't going to do anymore than that. I knew I had crossed a line and couldn't go back but thought I would at least prevent myself from going further. Well, she was very persistent and I unfortunately gave into the temptation.

 

Let me be clear: There is no excuse for what I did. I would do anything to take it back. Not surprisingly, today I feel as awful as I ever have. It was so stupid, so pointless, so selfish. I didn't enjoy it at all. It wasn't "fun" or "cool" or "exciting" like these dirty secrets had sort of been in the past. It was awful.

 

Now I am trying to figure out my course forward. I know many will say that I am a cheater, always have been and always will be, so I need to end the relationship for her sake. But here's the thing: I never really felt like this in the past after cheating. In the past, there was very little guilt if any because I never had any intent to be faithful in the first place. Today I am a wreck. I was genuinely excited about the changes I had made and was proud that I had become a faithful partner. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like I threw all that goodness out the window with one stupid act. All I want to do now is wake up each day and get back in that direction. I've already decided the first step is that I will stay away from clubs with my friends - it is not a situation I need to be in anymore.

 

So my question is this: I know I have a history of cheating in the past, but after coming so far from where I was, is it really wrong of me to chalk this up as single mistake that I swear not to repeat? That's the only way I can wrap my head around this right now...

Edited August 1, 2016 by morris6565

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it will happen again unless and until you really get to the root of why you do it.

[Zahara]

Even with as much conviction as to how you feel about this woman, it still didn't deter you from cheating. As Expat said, it will happen again. It's ingrained -- you don't just wish it doesn't happen again or slap a "mistake" on it. You made conscious decision after decision to do what you wanted to do. You need to find the root. It's not just going to go away.

 

In any case, STD's -- if you are going to engage in this kind of behavior, don't put your girlfriend at risk.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Zahara

[smackie9]

If your GF did this, what would you think of her? Would you want to know that it happened? You need to learn empathy, because you most certainly have never experienced it. I believe that is the key to preventing poor decisions. Even that you did a 180, you still have your head up your @$$.

[morris6565]

Thanks for the replies. I think you are right.

 

The root in my first relationship was a desire to have fun and experience more of the wild side of life. I wasn't happy in my relationship and was pretty inexperienced. So, chances with other girls were just too tempting to pass up. These are no longer factors though as I am very happy in my current relationship.

 

I think this time the root is a problem I have with the situations I put myself in and the people I surround myself with. I am 100% responsible for my own actions but I think there was a social, peer pressure aspect to it. If I am serious about building a future with my girlfriend, I should not be placing myself in these "boys will be boys" type situations at clubs with single friends and friends who have no qualms with (and even tacitly encourage) infidelity. That is not going to bring out the best in me. Ultimately, the decision is always in my hands but I will better be able to remember what's most important in my life if I stay away from clubs and friends who do not value relationships the way I currently do.

 

Does that make sense?

[smackie9]

It's only a band aid solution. It's like an alcoholic stop going to the bar.....they are still an alcoholic, and without treatment, the desire will always be there. You are kidding yourself if you think this will stop this from occurring again.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's only a band aid solution. It's like an alcoholic stop going to the bar.....they are still an alcoholic, and without treatment, the desire will always be there. You are kidding yourself if you think this will stop this from occurring again.

 

I agree.

 

OP = While it will help reduce the risk, it still doesn't explain why you lack self-control and empathy. You are, in my opinion, too old to be succumbing to peer pressure of this nature. There is something else driving this.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the replies. I think you are right.

 

The root in my first relationship was a desire to have fun and experience more of the wild side of life. I wasn't happy in my relationship and was pretty inexperienced. So, chances with other girls were just too tempting to pass up. These are no longer factors though as I am very happy in my current relationship.

 

It's one thing to desire fun and experience, but that does not mean you need to cheat. You had the choice to stay out of relationships that require commitment in order to do what you wanted to do. Yet, you chose to have your cake and eat it too. There is no justification to cheat.

 

I think this time the root is a problem I have with the situations I put myself in and the people I surround myself with. I am 100% responsible for my own actions but I think there was a social, peer pressure aspect to it. If I am serious about building a future with my girlfriend, I should not be placing myself in these "boys will be boys" type situations at clubs with single friends and friends who have no qualms with (and even tacitly encourage) infidelity. That is not going to bring out the best in me. Ultimately, the decision is always in my hands but I will better be able to remember what's most important in my life if I stay away from clubs and friends who do not value relationships the way I currently do.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Where did you have sex with this woman? Your friends were not around I am sure so there was a point before you pulled down your pants to stop and say no, without "peer pressure" BUT you did what you wanted to do. I don't buy the excuse.

 

Do you not have any willpower/self-control? Do you not have the ability to know what's wrong or right? A conscience?

 

Don't put you in an enticing situation because the outcome would be to possibly cheat? You don't know how to say no?

[ExpatInItaly]

It's one thing to desire fun and experience, but that does not mean you need to cheat. You had the choice to stay out of relationships that require commitment in order to do what you wanted to do. Yet, you chose to have your cake and eat it too. There is no justification to cheat.

 

 

 

Where did you have sex with this woman? Your friends were not around I am sure so there was a point before you pulled down your pants to stop and say no, without "peer pressure" BUT you did what you wanted to do. I don't buy the excuse.

 

Do you not have any willpower/self-control? Do you not have the ability to know what's wrong or right? A conscience?

 

Don't put you in an enticing situation because the outcome would be to possibly cheat? You don't know how to say no?

 

This is a good point, too.

 

You had several chances to stop this, OP. On some level, you wanted to do this. To feel a thrill? Because your sex life at home is lackluster? Only you can answer that.

 

It's not just a slip-up or a one-off. Did you at the very least use protection?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree.

There is something else driving this.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here....could it be.....

 

You simply are not ready for a monogamous relationship and still want to experience the world (other women)?! That simple. I read your original post and it sounds like someone who enjoyed hooking up...nothing else to analyze. You still do.

 

So, you've found someone who makes you feel a little happier? And?

 

Straight-up, you need to decided when you are ready to date for the sake of a long term, monogamous relationship. You have not decided that yet.

[smackie9]

OP you haven't taken any accountability for what happened. You still blamed "peer pressure" "going to the club" "you friends being single". You need to admit you have a problem, and need to seek out therapy for it. Right now all you are just sticking your head in the sand.

[smackie9]

I'm surprised no one has said it but your GF deserves the truth. If you truly love her and respect her like you say you do you would confess......as of late you are still being the selfish person that you are, saving your own skin. You sir are a coward.

[AMJ]

I would say that your past of cheating is irrelevant to your current relationship- but you must feel otherwise or else you wouldn't have included it in your story. This is the first relationship you actually feel committed to, which is why you feel guilty now and didn't before. I'm on the fence about "once a cheater, always a cheater". A good friend of mine confessed to me before he got married that he was terrified he'd eventually cheat on his fiancee. He didn't think he had it in him to be with just one woman for the rest of his life. In that case, I said she deserved to know the gamble she was taking. I doubt he ever told her. That was four years ago and I don't think he's cheated yet...but who really knows for sure.

 

Another good friend of mine is about to get his second divorce- he married the woman he cheated on his first wife with. I don't know for sure, but he probably cheated this time too.

 

In your case though, you sound like you're torturing yourself which is a good sign. Maybe you can change. Maybe this was only a one time mistake. If that's the case, maybe your GF shouldn't know what happened. If I were her, I'd almost rather not know. Because god help any man who cheats on me...lol.

 

I agree you need to take more responsibility and own up to your actions. Just going out with some friends isn't an excuse. A woman throwing herself at you isn't an excuse. You were at a club, what did you think was going to happen? That's like going to church and expecting people not to pray.

[Zahara]

I'm surprised no one has said it but your GF deserves the truth. If you truly love her and respect her like you say you do you would confess......as of late you are still being the selfish person that you are, saving your own skin. You sir are a coward.

 

I had a feeling that he wouldn't because of that last paragraph in his initial post. In his head, he's already come up with justifications to move on from it.

 

I don't think he is going to jeopardize this happy relationship.

[mikeylo]

You are typical example of ' once a cheater, always a cheater'. I dont believe in it as there are exceptions but you are true to it.

 

You were and still are a serial cheater. You are a thrill seeker who puts blame on others for his own actions.

[gorf]

I know I have a history of cheating in the past, but after coming so far from where I was, is it really wrong of me to chalk this up as single mistake that I swear not to repeat?

 

Why did you cheat in the first place? Why did you want out of the relationship? Thats the real question. Cause it leads to what happened in this situation. Alcohol and drugs or sober, cheating is a choice and the woman you are with was not on your mind when that girl sat on your lap, and everything following. Cheating is never some sort of accident. I would question why she was not on your mind and that girl even got the chance to sit in your lap for more than a few seconds before you pushed her off and told her you have a girlfriend you love. And I think that is something you should ask your self too. Your gf needs to know whats going on, it doesn't matter what reason you come up with to not tell her. She deserves to know, if you have any integrity then tell her everything.

[sandylee1]

I think you fundamentally lack the maturity for a serious committed relationship to be honest. The image you show your friends is more important than being faithful and it just shows you aren't ready for marriage.

 

If it takes not going clubbing to keep you from having sex with another woman, then you have a serious problem and useless friends.

[Lois_Griffin]

OP you haven't taken any accountability for what happened. You still blamed "peer pressure" "going to the club" "you friends being single". You need to admit you have a problem, and need to seek out therapy for it. Right now all you are just sticking your head in the sand.

Seriously.

 

The OP has used EVERY stock excuse cheaters use to justify their sh*t behavior. "She threw herself at me because I'm a Greek God!" and "my buddies made me do it - it was peer pressure!" and that overused nonsense statement, "I didn't enjoy it at all!"

 

Good lord.

 

Own your sh*t OP.

[SGTMom0508]

The fact that your conscious is convicting you so much this time leads me to believe that you have grown and matured past the self-described "womanizer" that you used to be, into a man capable of experiencing love inside a monogamous relationship. I am sorry to hear that you were not able to overcome the temptation to be unfaithful this time.

 

I personally do believe that you can change these tendencies, but you have to be willing to make sacrifices and put in the work to make those changes. You mentioned in a reply that you have decided to make some changes to whom you spend your time with and where you are. I think that's a great first step. Just keep working at it and reminding yourself what is at stake to lose if you make mistakes like that.

[Hopeful714]

You got issues. Aside from the fact that that you can't own up to your own cheating, this relationship is over. Kaput. Done. You only have yourself to blame for that.

 

If you cared as much about this girl as you say, you'd man up and tell her what you did so she can be informed and decide what SHE would like to do with the relationship. But I get the feeling you won't.

 

So, instead you will live with this big deception. And this "special" relationship won't be so "special" anymore because she is no longer the one you didn't cheat on. She's like all the rest now. And that leads me to believe you may do it again. After all, if you get away with it one time......

 

It don't matter if you stay away from your friends. They already were witness to you disrespecting your girlfriend. They all know. And they also know it wasn't their fault... but your lack of self control that caused all this.

 

You say it wasn't fun? Then why didn't you stop it?

Man up to this Morris. She deserves to know. The shame though is even if she forgives you, I get the feeling you will look at her as less than because she would be accepting you as a cheat. This to you will be unacceptable... because you know that right now...you ARE unacceptable.

 

No sympathy for cheaters here. especially serial ones....sorry.

[Hopeful714]

You got issues. Aside from the fact that that you can't own up to your own cheating, this relationship is over. Kaput. Done. You only have yourself to blame for that.

 

If you cared as much about this girl as you say, you'd man up and tell her what you did so she can be informed and decide what SHE would like to do with the relationship. But I get the feeling you won't.

 

So, instead you will live with this big deception. And this "special" relationship won't be so "special" anymore because she is no longer the one you didn't cheat on. She's like all the rest now. And that leads me to believe you may do it again. After all, if you get away with it one time......

 

It don't matter if you stay away from your friends. They already were witness to you disrespecting your girlfriend. They all know. And they also know it wasn't their fault... but your lack of self control that caused all this.

 

You say it wasn't fun? Then why didn't you stop it?

Man up to this Morris. She deserves to know. The shame though is even if she forgives you, I get the feeling you will look at her as less than because she would be accepting you as a cheat. This to you will be unacceptable... because you know that right now...you ARE unacceptable.

 

No sympathy for cheaters here. especially serial ones....sorry.

[bubbaganoosh]

So you finally meet the girl you feel could be the one right? Then you let some friends of yours "talk" you into joining in and having a little fun.

 

I don't know your age but there comes a point in your life where you have to put the macho $h!t away and act like a responsible man, do the right thing and stop worrying about if your friends are going to call you out for saying no.

 

Now you could tell your girlfriend or let her find out off the street but in any case, you fried your own ass for not doing the right thing.

 

You may as well keep it up and be the party dude because sooner or later your going to be too old to keep this life style up and when that happens you can go home to your pet dog, scratch behind his ears and think about the one that got away. You blew it pal.

[benpom]

You should see a therapist to do a personality test. You probably have a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy.

 

From what you described, lots of people know about your cheating. With so many people knowing it and the convenience of this digital age, it's very likely she will find out sooner or later. If she finds out when after you get married, you will have major trust issues. Lack of trust is likely to kill a marriage. Then you have to deal with messy divorce. If you have children by then, you will bring suffering to extra people. Think of the mess along the road and decide whether you should tell her or not.

Edited August 10, 2016 by benpom