Dealing with crushing guilt and fear

[JessicaK]

I don't know what the hell to do. I'm involved with a MM who I think is my soulmate. He says the same. But he is a MM. Most of the time I'm in denial about it. But when the denial temporarily goes away, I face extreme guilt, anxiety and fear of what could happen if this comes to light. I don't know if I can cope with the repercussions. I got myself into this, but I don't know how to get out. I love him and don't want it to end, but I can't go on like this. I'm having a complete panic attack over this and don't know what to do. I can't believe I would ever do something like this, and I can't even stand to see myself in the mirror knowing I'm the kind of person who would do something like this. Can anyone point me in the right direction toward getting a grip?

[imperfectangel]

If you really want it to end just block him everywhere and mourn the loss. But you have to WANT to do it, or you won't stick to it also do not nc as a way to try to manipulate him into leaving.

 

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

[JessicaK]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I have brought it up with him now and then, maybe after a few glasses of wine, but not for any kind of serious discussion.

 

I don't want to end the relationship, but I want to end the cheating. I want to be with him, but not as "the other woman" living life in the shadows. He claims his marriage was dead for 10 years. However, practical circumstances make it hard for him to leave. Yes, sounds like a tired old cliche, I know.

 

I haven't pushed this issue because I don't want to stress him out, however, I'm horribly stressed out. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't get involved but would tell him to call me when he's divorced. But I've already crossed that line. I guess the strong thing to do is to tell him it has to stop until he's at the least separated. If it's meant to be, it will happen. And then just pray no one finds out this has been going on. I feel like I've been clinically insane and living in lala land. I don't want to be the kind of person who does this kind of thing. Or is it commonplace but no one talks about it???

[CarrieT]

Jessica, what you are experiencing is beyond common. Read around our Infidelity forums and you will see that your story is boilerplate.

 

Also understand that the whole "soulmate" thing is erroneous. He probably felt the woman he married was his soulmate when he expressed his vows to her. And he did leave her for you, keep in mind that the next one to come along in his life a decade from now will be his next soulmate.

 

All the lies and deceit he is capable of doing to his wife, he will be capable of doing to you.

[loveisanaction]

Girl, no married man is worth this.

 

I can feel the pain in your post.

 

He's not leaving his wife, he can complain about his marriage until hell freezes over so if he's not leaving then he's choosing to stay married.

 

Where does this leave you? He's with his wife, his wife's with him, who's with you?

 

Don't waste your life waiting and hoping that a married man will leave his wife for you.

 

Block every area of communication, cry for as long as you need to, then get up, thrust your chest out, flick your hair and go out and find yourself a single and available man.

 

Don't ever let any man turn you into their 'Shhhhhh' little secret.

Edited August 1, 2016 by loveisanaction

[JessicaK]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm reading over other's stories in this forum as suggested, something I had never done before, which is odd because I am a compulsive reader and ruminator...another sign I've been in denial about what I've been in the middle of here for the past 2+ years! I called my therapist and have an appointment with her tomorrow. I am getting so panicked over this whole thing that it's really scaring me. I'll be okay though. I feel like I'm waking up from a fog. And it feels horrible.

[Poppy47]

YOur story has all the classic elements of being involved with a cake eater.

 

Please get yourself out of it NOW. One day you will regret the time you wasted on him.

 

Poppy.

[Satu]

These MM are very good at 2 things:

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding women who will believe those lies.

 

I hope that you will realise the futility of being involved with a cheating MM.

 

 

Here's a clip from my journals:

 

 

What the Other Woman believes

 

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.

 

 

Take care.

[ShatteredLady]

This stops when YOU want it to!

 

You know that what you're complicit in is just wrong in so many ways on so many levels & yet you continue...WHY?

 

I didn't grow-up believing that my "soulmate" would have the qualities of manipulator, adulterer, conflict avoidant, cruel, etc etc you know what I mean.

 

Everyone has justifications for the awful things that they do.

 

You choose this! You wake every morning & continue this. You hurt. You cry. He puts you away in your little box & goes home to his family but you still wake alone & do it all again...

 

 

This stops when you want it to.

 

So many members here have felt everything that you're going through. Please listen to their advise.

[Grapesofwrath]

It might help with the panic if you lose some of the damaging self-talk and judging. "The kind of person who would do this" is all kinds of people. Flawed people. Scared people. People who are good. People who love their children. People who are successful. All kinds of people do this. So it doesn't mean you are now a bad bad person. It just means you made some choices--that are your responsibility--that lead to this situation. That same decision-making ability can get you out of the situation.

 

Panicking will paralyze you. Take a deep breath and figure out how to get out of this situation.

 

The soulmate thing? That's the affair fog talking. He's not your soulmate. Read the posts here and you will learn a lot about the dynamics of affairs and how they engender this kind of thinking because of the way they are constructed.

[aileD]

You are the same as every single other "other woman"

 

Your situation is not unique

 

Your love is not unique

 

He is not your soulmate

 

You are addicted to the feeling you get from him. There is something about the illicit, secretness that you like---subconsciously.

 

Because it's secret, it feels more intense

 

It is not love. It's lust and infatuation. Which is the first phase TO love, but you will never get to love when he's married.

 

Here's what you'll do and why it will work:

 

1. Tell him you won't be the other woman anymore

2. Tell him how much you love him and that you want a real relationship

3. Tell him not to contact you untill he is moved out into his own apartment AND has a legally filed separation agreement in place (and you've seen it)

4. Stay strong

5. Do not contact him or respond to contact.

6. Wait a reasonable amount of time, accept the truth, grieve and move on.

 

Why will you do this? Because it's THE ONLY WAY you will know if he REALLY loves you and thinks youre his soul mate too. If he really loves you, and he can't have access to you, then he will do what he needs to do (divorce) to be with you.

 

If he doesn't? Well. Then you'll know and it will help you find closure.

[aileD]

Also....in regards to #6, a reasonable amount of Time to get an apartment and legal separation agreement is about 3 months.

[Lobe]

I don't know what the hell to do. I'm involved with a MM who I think is my soulmate. He says the same. But he is a MM. Most of the time I'm in denial about it. But when the denial temporarily goes away, I face extreme guilt, anxiety and fear of what could happen if this comes to light. I don't know if I can cope with the repercussions. I got myself into this, but I don't know how to get out. I love him and don't want it to end, but I can't go on like this. I'm having a complete panic attack over this and don't know what to do. I can't believe I would ever do something like this, and I can't even stand to see myself in the mirror knowing I'm the kind of person who would do something like this. Can anyone point me in the right direction toward getting a grip?

 

You are living inside the affair bubble. Here's some terminology you should teach yourself that will help you hopefully understand where your head is at:

 

lim·er·ence

ˈlimərəns/

noun PSYCHOLOGY

the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

 

(That powerful feeling of need for your MM is because your relationship never gets to mature past the phase the juvenile groping and lust into the boring comfortable love he likely claims he no longer has with his wife "I love her but I'm not in love with her..." or something like that.)

 

cog·ni·tive dis·so·nance

noun PSYCHOLOGY

the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

 

(This is why you feel like if he's your soulmate, you're allowed to break the rules. Translated to simple English, it means you're deluding yourself. Those panic attacks are your own reality check kicking in - heed them because they are trying to protect you!)

 

NOT Just Friends is a phenomenal book but by far my favourite advice is that you sit down and write a letter to your best friend, your closest cousin, your sister, or someone else who you don't want to watch going 100 mile an hour down a 20 foot track. Whatever advice you would give them, whatever kindness and support and understanding you would have for them, use for yourself. It will probably sound like the advice most of the folks here would give - go no contact until and unless there's a divorce settlement, find other things to occupy your time, don't wait around for him, don't look for or send smoke signals. Treat quitting him like quitting an addiction and you'll stand the greatest chance of regaining the dignity and self-respect you seem to be lacking right now.

 

No one wins in affairs. The AP is a second-class citizen who gets treated as a dirty little secret, the BS is devastated because they were lied to, kids are hurt when the family is ripped apart... The cheater almost never leaves their spouse, if the spouse will have them back, and statistically, marriages begun as affairs have less than a 1% survival rate past 2 years so even if your MM leaves his wife for you, you'd have better luck catching duck farts in a beer bottle on a windy day than living happily ever after.

 

Good luck sorting your feelings out. Come back to LS if you need support or feedback.

[Bufo]

Thank you for reading other posts as it saves me from repeating agin my all too often post about read them and keep score. You KNOW this will turn out badly and you'll have the worst of it

 

I'm jumping ahead now. After you end this mess he will be back. Easier for him to try to keep you on the line than to find a replacement.

 

One more point. Don't ever be exclusive with OM. You don't want to have to someday explain a gap in your romantic history. Even a casual date once a month or so will fill any gap. You sound young enough that these opportunities shouldn't be hard to see.

 

Keep reading and posting. Many posters here have BTDT and can help via their hard-learned experience.

[FusionCutter]

In your definition. Would a true soulmate cause One to feel a panic attack and guilt and fear?

 

Of course not.