Cohabitating [For most of the marriage I've been less than fulfilled.]

[elaine567]

I don't agree with the posters advocating divorce. Your relationship sounds much better than most people who post here, and I think some small changes can make it even stronger.

 

I agree.

Forget the snide, sarky comments, if she is like a lot of women, she will have remembered every one from years back and they will have cut like a knife and when she feels the least bit of affection towards you, she will remember what you said previously and she will cut you dead.

You reap what you sow.

 

STOP rubbing her rump, she hates it, so why are you deliberately causing friction. Annoying stuff like that will set her teeth on edge, so stop doing it.

Analyse your other actions too, try to do stuff for her she genuinely likes and appreciates, not stuff that you like and she SHOULD like.

You want affection, but how much real care and affection are you giving out. Does she feel loved and cared for?

 

Yes, you could divorce, but while this relationship just needs a bit of fine tuning, you could end up with one that needs a lot more work. The grass is not always greener.

[BluEyeL]

To me it sounds like you are just bored with married life and want to have more fun now that the kids are out or almost out. A midlife crisis and GIGS syndrome. It's ok if you want to divorce her but take responsibility for it, yes it is my decision . Sounds like you want to divorce but feel guilty so you're trying to rationalize why she'd deserve it. She doesn't deserve it but it's ok to divorce her if that's what you want. She doesn't have to be guilty of something your wanting something new is enough .

[Ontos]

Hi Ontos, having read your posts the one thing that stands out clearly is that you two are completely incompatible. It seems when you married your wife and there were no children involved, she was a different person, open to activities with you and with a measure of enthusiasm for things out of the home. Also, she was fully plugged into you as she had no distractions. With the advent of children her focus has shifted to more domestic matters and being a good mother rather than just a good wife. For years now her focus has been on her children and in running a good household, that is, complete domestic focus and interest. In the process she has probably forgotten how to be a wife.

Your best efforts at engaging her have failed because she HSS slipped into a comfortable routine and the longer she lives that life the less motivation she has to break free from the comfort and satisfaction she derives from her existence. You are peripheral to it. A necessary evil if you wish. You bring in the moolah and provide the roof over her head, put food on the table and meet the requirements that the man of the house usually is responsible for. In return she provides you the basic sex that you, as a man need but without the frills or the icing on the top, if you will. The fact is that you have tried everything in your arsenal, to prod her to become more wifely but she continues to adopt the mother's role and the housewifely role as it fits comfortably with her current aspirations and desires. It is like a favourite shoe which feels comfortable on her feet. A wifely role will mean overturning her comfort levels and she will only do that if something life threatening to her accepted way of life crops up.

So you now have to provide that life threatening situation for her if you want things to change. That strategy is to proceed with divorce and have her served without prewarning. You then seperate and let her live on her own while the divorce process goes on. If you find that she is able to change radically to accommodate your requirements and only when you are convinced that these changes are more or less permanent, should you call off the proceedings. You can always tell your lawyer to go slow so as to allow her time to absorb the gravity of the situation. If this radical step fails to motivate her to change then you have your answer. She is beyond redemption and you have to move forward with your life. If she does change then you can withdraw the divorce proceedings and resume a happy life with her. My only concern would be " Is she having an affair on the side because of which she has lost all affection for you and therefore her current behaviour". The soulless sex is just a way to keep you interested and tied down. This maybe conjecture and you would know better but all this is a suggestion for you to take matters in your hands to get things moving. If you don't change anything nothing will change. Warm wishes!

 

Very insightful and the way I'm leaning at this moment. Last night I asked her if she was In Love with me and she said no. She said she loved me, but wasn't IN LOVE. So, I took off my wedding ring and said, we need to split then. She immediately started back peddling. She said married people fall in and out of love over the course of their marriage. -- I'm contemplating calling the Lawyer today and scheduling an appt to start proceedings.

 

I don't know... I'm not saying you should be unhappy for the rest of your life, but it sounds like there are a lot of positive aspects to your relationship. She is a good mother, there is no infidelity, no emotional/ verbal abuse, you are still having good sex, and it sounds like you do go out, if not as much as you'd like. That doesn't sound like cohabitation, it sounds like a normal marriage. Given that you have 2 kids and she has a demanding job, I'm not sure how much more attention you can realistically expect from her.

 

If it is intimacy you are missing, I agree with other posters that you may need to step the game up on your end, and try to engage with her via her interests. Going to yoga together is a good idea. You could also plan some hikes for the family- get the snacks together, pack the bags- surely she'll come if you make it easy for her. I know in an ideal world the initiative would come from her, but given that you are the one who feels there is a problem, I think some small steps on your end could help get the desired outcome.

 

Another suggestion is to try being more grateful for a few weeks. Every morning, think of one thing about your wife you are grateful for, and say it out loud to yourself. I think approaching this from a more positive perspective- where you want to improve your marriage, rather than deliberate divorce- can help you be more effective at influencing change.

 

Expecting her to take an impromptu day off to go skiing- sounds romantic, but realistically, most people have jobs where thats not an option.

 

If she isn't interested in marriage counseling, maybe individual counseling could help. A good counselor can help you realize if your expectations are unrealistic, and give you tips to improve your relationship. I don't agree with the posters advocating divorce. Your relationship sounds much better than most people who post here, and I think some small changes can make it even stronger.

 

Also an insightful post and at the other end of the spectrum from Guy above. I find it hard to just say, "Other people have worse marriages and mine isn't horrible, so I'll just settle for it".

 

To me it sounds like you are just bored with married life and want to have more fun now that the kids are out or almost out. A midlife crisis and GIGS syndrome. It's ok if you want to divorce her but take responsibility for it, yes it is my decision . Sounds like you want to divorce but feel guilty so you're trying to rationalize why she'd deserve it. She doesn't deserve it but it's ok to divorce her if that's what you want. She doesn't have to be guilty of something your wanting something new is enough .

 

No, if anything my wife is going through some sort of mid life crisis and she admits it. You may be on to something about me feeling guilty about divorcing though b/c of how it will affect my kids.

[NTV]

Is it possible that she plans to divorce you after the kids are grown and that you're throwing a wrench in her plans?

[alsudduth]

Laying down the law is calling the meeting to order.

 

Using your example above, why didn't you tell her that you will not live the rest of your in a marriage without x, y, z...and, if she won't take steps with you to work on it (like the counseling), you can't stay married to her....pretty much an ultimatum.

 

Took the words out of my mouth.

[Cephalopod]

Go to a free consult with a divorce lawyer and find out what you can expect. Educating yourself is the first step in overcoming the fear of the unknown.

[Ontos]

Is it possible that she plans to divorce you after the kids are grown and that you're throwing a wrench in her plans?

 

I've wondered this: I would have fulfilled my role as sperm donor, wonderful dad and financier - and once she gets her inheritance and the kids are grown the leaves.

 

Go to a free consult with a divorce lawyer and find out what you can expect. Educating yourself is the first step in overcoming the fear of the unknown.

 

I called a lawyer highly referred by a friend. He said $250 for 45 minutes. Does that seem high??

[Mr. Lucky]

I called a lawyer highly referred by a friend. He said $250 for 45 minutes. Does that seem high??

 

For the friends I've known that have seen a lawyer under similar circumstances, the initial meeting has usually been free. The subsequent divorce is not ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Last night I asked her if she was In Love with me and she said no. She said she loved me, but wasn't IN LOVE. .

 

That is a pretty strong statement.

 

Typically when people say, ILYBNILWY, it usually means that there is someone else in the picture.

 

What have you done OTHER THAN ASKING HER to insure that there is not someone else in the picture?

 

Just asking her does not count because she can just say no.

 

Have you hacked her computer/email/facebook? Have you installed a keylogger program to see if she has any hidden accounts or other communications that she is deleting regularly? Have you hidden a VAR in her car or other area where she may be having private conversations? Have you had anyone follow her to the gym or yoga etc to see if she is schmoozing up against someone at the gym and stopping by his place for a little post-workout rubdown?

 

If you've read any MMSL you know that the first steps is ruling out any medical issues and ruling out any outside sexual activities before you can address any relationship or personal issues.

 

If she does have an outside love interest, nothing that you do will have any affect as long as she is getting love'ins from outside the marriage.

 

Have you done you due diligence in seeing if there is a 3rd party out there somewhere?

[oldshirt]

Assuming that there is no OM (or OW?) I think you may be barking up the wrong tree here.

 

If you had said she had historically been warm and cuddly and personal for the majority of your marriage and that this has been a recent change, I would suggest digging a lot deeper and coming up with some kind of action plan to address it.

 

But considering she has always been this way, it's probably just part of her persona. I don't know if she even can change. I think this is kind of like trying to enter a bulldog into a dog race and then being frustrated that he's not winning or getting a border collie and then wishing he was a mellow porch dog that would lay at your feet on the porch all day.

 

If she is home every day, sober, responsible, treats you with basic courtesy and respect, takes care of the kids and home and keeps your tank drained sexually - that is performing the basic job description of a wife.

 

If you want someone to go hiking and biking and sking and admiring your soccer games - that is what your buddies and bro's are for.

 

If you aren't expecting your bro's to give you BJs, I'm not sure it's fair to expect your wife to be hanging out at the soccer field jumping up and down on the sidelines every week.

 

Let's not confuse the roles of friends and buddies and teammates with the roles of a spouse.

 

Now I am an expressive, touchy-feely and affectionate kind of person myself and my wife is not, so I do understand the frustration and yearning for more warmth and connection. But I think you are going to have to do some soul-searching and determine if the pain from the lack of connection and warmth and affection is greater than the pain of splitting up or not.

 

Assuming you take the high road and don't find a little honey on the side without her knowledge and consent, that leaves you with 3 basic options -

 

#1 is suck it up and live it and sacrifice your yearning for more connection and affection in exchange for the other assets of your married life.

 

#2 is seek a fair and amicable divorce and search for someone more compatible with you.

 

#3 is pursue some form of open marriage where you are able to seek some warmth and affection from others with mutual consent whilst remaining in the marriage.

 

Each option will have it's own associated risks and benefits as well as costs and payoffs.

[oldshirt]

I've wondered this: I would have fulfilled my role as sperm donor, wonderful dad and financier - and once she gets her inheritance and the kids are grown the leaves.

 

QUOTE]

 

Let me ask you a question here.

 

Why do you think she may be plotting an exit? Other than you bugging her for more connection and affection, does SHE seem dissatisfied or unfulfilled at all????

 

You've made many posts about your dissatisfaction and frustration, but you haven't said anything that indicates she has any issues or complaints or unfulfilled yearnings.

 

Is she for all practical purposes perfectly OK with the status quo?

 

Any chance you are doing some projecting here and that it is actually you that are running exit strategies and such through your head and you are projecting that on to her?

[oldshirt]

Some background: I actually had one foot out the door back in 2010 - she stepped up her game tremendously! It was great. She was super affectionate and she went on the boat with me, we started running together, etc and then it went right back to the way things are. Typically over the years when I've voiced my unhappiness she has turned on the sweetness, but now she doesn't do that anymore.

 

When I reach the end of my rope I do say this. I haven't given an ultimatum yet. That needs to be next. But when I do, I have to stick to it. I don't believe in making idle threats.

 

Agreed - I've been talking too much.

 

 

 

There definitely was bait and switch. When we dated and the first few years of marriage were great. And NO - no 3rd party. I will not open myself up to that BS. I've told her - I know there is someone else out there that will love me, if you don't cut me loose. I will not find someone else or open myself up without leaving.

 

I'm not convinced this was an actual bait and switch. Bait and switch's usually involve more signs of a lack of attraction (ie sexlife dropping off the cliff, affairs, constant girls-nights-out, treating with disrespect etc etc)

 

Some of this is changing roles with parenthood. When you were dating, she was focused on you and your activities together. Once kids came along she became a mother and an employee and a PTA member and a member of the community etc etc while you still wanted to go hiking and biking and playing sports etc etc.

 

Your story here really strikes home with me as my situation has been very similar. I was an outdoorsman and activities-centered guy too. When my wife and I met and started dating and the first half dozen years of our marriage before the kids came were awesome. We did a ton of stuff together and had a lot of fun. Then when the kids came, my wife grew up and became a mother and parent and I basically wanted to continue to be an outdoorsman and run around doing stuff and having fun all the time.

 

My wife was a good wife and mother, but she was a crappy buddy. I wanted a wife and friend and lover and buddy and fishing buddy all wrapped into one. That wasn't realistic so I had to decide what I could and could not live without.

[NTV]

I've wondered this: I would have fulfilled my role as sperm donor, wonderful dad and financier - and once she gets her inheritance and the kids are grown the leaves.

 

 

 

Only you know how cold/calculating your wife can be. It sounds like you think she can take that to an extreme if she wants to and are mentally preparing yourself for her to be this way.

 

 

If that's the case, perhaps then you should look to preparing for the worse and hoping for the best. Sort out financial entanglements. Work to cut back to erase debt. Prepare mentally for a public smear campaign against you or for her to try turn the kids against you (i.e. read Divorce Poison privately), etc.

 

 

'Preparing for worst but hope for the best.' comes to mind.

[Ontos]

I've hacked her phone and looked at her computer a lot over the past 5-7 weeks as well as put a voice activated recorder in her car during business trips and in her office at home. Nothing even remotely flirty.

 

If you had said she had historically been warm and cuddly and personal for the majority of your marriage and that this has been a recent change, I would suggest digging a lot deeper and coming up with some kind of action plan to address it.

 

 

If she is home every day, sober, responsible, treats you with basic courtesy and respect, takes care of the kids and home and keeps your tank drained sexually - that is performing the basic job description of a wife.

 

 

Now I am an expressive, touchy-feely and affectionate kind of person myself and my wife is not, so I do understand the frustration and yearning for more warmth and connection. But I think you are going to have to do some soul-searching and determine if the pain from the lack of connection and warmth and affection is greater than the pain of splitting up or not.

 

How do you deal with it??

 

I've wondered this: I would have fulfilled my role as sperm donor, wonderful dad and financier - and once she gets her inheritance and the kids are grown the leaves.

 

QUOTE]

 

Let me ask you a question here.

 

Why do you think she may be plotting an exit? Other than you bugging her for more connection and affection, does SHE seem dissatisfied or unfulfilled at all????

 

You've made many posts about your dissatisfaction and frustration, but you haven't said anything that indicates she has any issues or complaints or unfulfilled yearnings.

 

Is she for all practical purposes perfectly OK with the status quo?

 

Hmmmm. She doesn't bring it up b/c she doesn't communicate well - but when I do she says she isn't happy either - but honestly if I didn't bring it up, I think she would live indefinitely without complaining. She just doesn't share her inner voice at all.

 

That is a pretty strong statement.

 

Yeah - this statement made me want to move forward with a D.....

 

Only you know how cold/calculating your wife can be. It sounds like you think she can take that to an extreme if she wants to and are mentally preparing yourself for her to be this way.

 

'Preparing for worst but hope for the best.' comes to mind.

 

Unlike me, she can internalize and not say anything when things are bothering her - like for YEARS. I can't do this - if something bothers me, it is coming out whether I want it to or not. She has a poker face. I don't know what's bouncing around inside that head. She could be just waiting for the kids to grow up. Realistically, I think she can just co-exist and not want more.

 

UPDATE: The day after she said "ILYBINILWY" I told her that I had been really trying to make things better and she wasn't putting forth any attempt, so I was done and moving towards D.

 

I also drew up a Promissory Note about my son's tuition and said that I wasn't being taken advantage of financially anymore. So I emailed her and asked her to sign it (stating that she has until 2020 to pay me for her half). She hasn't signed it and I haven't pushed it yet.

 

Also, I let her drive the nicer vehicle - so I told her I was going to start driving it and that she wouldn't be taking it on her business trip this week. I can tell that bothers her. Even though I make almost x 2 what she does, I drive a less expensive car (I don't care what I drive - it's a depreciating asset).

 

She was spoiled growing up (private school, never bought her own groceries or paid for her car or insurance - and she was 26 when we married). So, I'm cutting back some of the fringe benefits she gets from me - why should her needs be exceeded while mine aren't being met. Does this seem petty? I just feel like she has been taking advantage of me for years and years - being "entitled" to stuff.

 

So, since this went down she has been acting much sweeter, - she gave me a kiss this morning and has referred to me in a complimentary light in group text messages with friends, etc. So this is different.

 

I can't help but feel she is kissing up to get me to be complacent again. I am encouraging the sweetness in hopes that it is real change - but if it stops I'm not falling back into the status quo again.

 

Thoughts??

[NTV]

I think you're being too soft on her.... it really seems like the writing's on the wall here. Make sure you start paying down any debts.

[Ontos]

I think you're being too soft on her.... it really seems like the writing's on the wall here. Make sure you start paying down any debts.

 

We only have a mortgage and 2 car payments.

 

Too soft how?? Can you be specific?

 

Thanks

[NTV]

Do you really need cable? Are you paying for her phone?

[Ontos]

Do you really need cable? Are you paying for her phone?

 

Her company pays internet and phone.

[pteromom]

I agree.

Forget the snide, sarky comments, if she is like a lot of women, she will have remembered every one from years back and they will have cut like a knife and when she feels the least bit of affection towards you, she will remember what you said previously and she will cut you dead.

You reap what you sow.

 

STOP rubbing her rump, she hates it, so why are you deliberately causing friction. Annoying stuff like that will set her teeth on edge, so stop doing it.

Analyse your other actions too, try to do stuff for her she genuinely likes and appreciates, not stuff that you like and she SHOULD like.

You want affection, but how much real care and affection are you giving out. Does she feel loved and cared for?

 

Yes, you could divorce, but while this relationship just needs a bit of fine tuning, you could end up with one that needs a lot more work. The grass is not always greener.

 

I agree with this post!

 

I am not a touchy-feely person. I also HATE having my rump rubbed/patted and am not big on a bunch of physical affection. It has nothing to do with how much love I am feeling. I just find it annoying sometimes.

 

Being snide and snarky is the opposite of what you want to do. All that does is build a wall of resentment, making her LESS likely to want to meet your needs.

 

And all the stuff about you making her sign an agreement and taking her car? Sheesh. Is this a competition as to who can be worse, or are you interested in making things BETTER? Your actions are causing her reaction.

 

She may have never been that much of a touchy feely person, but by respecting who she is, you could have made things much better.

[pteromom]

I know people are shooting out ideas that you can try, but I noticed a couple things... her hobbies tend to be things centered around her appearance. does that statement feel right?

 

 

As a side note, if you came here looking for some sort of permission to divorce her, you don't need it. Nobody can tell you if you should get a divorce or not. In fact the best advice I ever got on the topic went something like...

 

 

'when should I divorce?'

 

 

'when the desire not to see your spouse everyday outweighs your desire to see your kids everyday.'

 

 

...don't know if that'll necessarily help you here.

 

 

My thoughts on it would be to start being more manipulative in your use of shame, reverse psychology, and tactlessness.

 

 

Examples as follows:

 

 

shame:

leave a sticky note on her side of the bathroom mirror 'great mom, lousy wife'

'that's the best kiss you can give me? you can keep it next time. I thought you were a better kisser.'

 

 

 

 

reverse psychology:

'hey, you don't want to go see movie x, do you?' and if she says 'no', just nod your head and say 'good'. or really acting like you don't want her to go places... 'I heard it's supposed to rain on Sat, so you're staying home with the kids instead of coming to my soccer game, right?'

 

 

 

 

tactlessness:

[just got home and she says hey and walks by] 'hey honey, I was wondering... how far up your rear is that stick?'

'what?! what are you talking about?'

'too far to be interested in a welcome home hug. heh heh heh.'

 

 

 

 

You mention a lot of things that you've tried, but I'm willing to bet based on the way you wrote your post that you're not used to working on the psychological warfare level much. Doing it that way may surprise her so much that she's doing what you want without even realizing the change--because she didn't expect it.

 

 

Not saying this is the best idea. I'm just I guess saying that it sounds like you're thinking about divorce as a solution, and if you know that's something that really might be coming, why not play some fun mind games first? You might even win... although she could be better at it than you... but if that's true, then by playing you'll realize what's really been going on this whole time.

 

 

Good luck

 

This is called emotional abuse. Not only will it not make things better, but it could interfere with his ability to get a good custody agreement should he decide to pursue divorce. OP, please do not do this.

[NTV]

This is called emotional abuse. Not only will it not make things better, but it could interfere with his ability to get a good custody agreement should he decide to pursue divorce. OP, please do not do this.

 

No that's called psychological warfare. It would only be emotional abuse if she hadn't fired the first shot and she didn't fight back the same way. We both know based on his first post that there's about a 0% chance of her not fighting back.

 

Either way that was recommended in case he wanted to save his marriage but it doesnt sound like he does.

[Ontos]

 

And all the stuff about you making her sign an agreement and taking her car? Sheesh. Is this a competition as to who can be worse, or are you interested in making things BETTER? Your actions are causing her reaction.

 

 

Pteromom - I didn't "Take her Car". I pay for it and she drives it. The reason I've asked her to sign a promissory note is b/c she refuses to help with my son's college! Refuses! She has money to buy clothes, botox, spray tan and Amazon delivers some face **** or eye cream every other day.

 

So, I'm expected to haul the financial load, provide her with a brick house on 2 acres, big SUV and pay all the tuition, too?? and she can't even be nice to me?

 

I simply told her, "I'm taking customers out this week and the need the other car". She gasped, "You're going to make me drive your car"? It is a nice car - It just isn't a big flashy SUV.

 

Here is something I haven't shared, but I think is significant: In the past I've done the 180, filled my time with activities - hiking, mt biking, running, etc. She really didn't seem to care as long as I fulfilled my role as financial provider, father (coaching soccer, spending time with kids), and head of the family.

== most SO would have snapped to and engaged, but my wife doesn't care. As long as her nice life is in tact she is happy to not have an intimate relationship as long as everything stays copacetic and she can have a secure life, our kids provided for and she can tootle around in her big SUV and dress nice and have botox.

 

I'm convinced, that she is just not a kind, passionate and warm person to anyone - me included.

 

Like another poster said. Maybe I just need to accept it: She isn't a drunk, isn't running up debt and I get laid every 2 days.

 

My dog shows me tons of love, maybe that's the best I'm gonna get.

[NTV]

Pteromom - I didn't "Take her Car". I pay for it and she drives it. The reason I've asked her to sign a promissory note is b/c she refuses to help with my son's college! Refuses! She has money to buy clothes, botox, spray tan and Amazon delivers some face **** or eye cream every other day.

 

So, I'm expected to haul the financial load, provide her with a brick house on 2 acres, big SUV and pay all the tuition, too?? and she can't even be nice to me?

 

I simply told her, "I'm taking customers out this week and the need the other car". She gasped, "You're going to make me drive your car"? It is a nice car - It just isn't a big flashy SUV.

 

Here is something I haven't shared, but I think is significant: In the past I've done the 180, filled my time with activities - hiking, mt biking, running, etc. She really didn't seem to care as long as I fulfilled my role as financial provider, father (coaching soccer, spending time with kids), and head of the family.

== most SO would have snapped to and engaged, but my wife doesn't care. As long as her nice life is in tact she is happy to not have an intimate relationship as long as everything stays copacetic and she can have a secure life, our kids provided for and she can tootle around in her big SUV and dress nice and have botox.

 

I'm convinced, that she is just not a kind, passionate and warm person to anyone - me included.

 

Like another poster said. Maybe I just need to accept it: She isn't a drunk, isn't running up debt and I get laid every 2 days.

 

My dog shows me tons of love, maybe that's the best I'm gonna get.

 

 

 

You're on the fence still? It sounded like you had made up your mind earlier....

 

 

have you done a pros/cons list yet?

[oldshirt]

 

I'm convinced, that she is just not a kind, passionate and warm person to anyone - me included.

 

Like another poster said. Maybe I just need to accept it: She isn't a drunk, isn't running up debt and I get laid every 2 days.

 

My dog shows me tons of love, maybe that's the best I'm gonna get.

 

You are likely correctly that this is just how she is and how it's going to be.

 

It will come down to what path you want to take.

 

Your basic options are -

 

- live with it and find other ways to fill the void ie hobbies, friends, dog etc.

 

- leave and look for someone who's temperament more closely matches your own.

 

- get a mistress(s) and get needs met outside the marriage with her consent, ie open marriage ( but be warned that will problem be the end of her sexual activity with you)

 

- get it outside the marriage without her consent.

[oldshirt]

Maybe I just need to accept it: She isn't a drunk, isn't running up debt and I get laid every 2 days.

 

My dog shows me tons of love, maybe that's the best I'm gonna get.

 

In our grandparent's era and even for many men today, that would be the definition of a good wife.

 

But you will have to decide if that is good enough for you or not.

 

Maybe that was good enough when you were building your career and raising small children. Priorities change with different stages of our lives and we want different things over time.

 

She may have been a good wife and mother when you were young and horny and had small children to raise.

 

Your priorities for warmth and connection may be different now.

 

Her's may be different as well. If she has stated she is unhappy too, perhaps she is filling her void with cars and the house etc and is just paying her "dues" by keeping your tank drained.

 

Ann Landers used to ask people a very simple question when they considering whether to stay or go - "will your life be better off with him/her or better on your own?"