Cant stop hating myself...i feel so different in the mind now :(

[howen97]

So i met my ex in April of 2014 and for some time we were amazing, i was 17 and her 15 and to me she was everything....

 

After about half a year we started to have a lot of arguments and at first for some time suggested we each speak and listen to each other in turns. She was diagonised with Asperges and told me to begin with sometimes she struggles to identify with how people feel or she thinks differently, i understood this.

 

Arguements went on and on...near valentines day she shouted at me continuously even though i had tried my best for her, after she had finished she got upset but because i had taken so much i walked off.

 

Now this next part i hate myself a great deal for, i never have physically done anything with another women while with her but i decided to chat to women online etc... during the 2 years it happened 4 times at least Every time she forgave me and i told her. November she visited me at uni and we had an amazing time then in January i made the same mistake again..

 

Again she forgave me, i got her a promise ring and since January had tried making it up to her, the distance didnt help but i did all i could.

 

While some of my actions were completely wrong and i never thought id do that to anyone she on several occasions acted out of order...i had to get a train all the way down to see her to save my relationship because i was stood next to a girl i had a crush on at some point, i know why she had trust issues but i was different at this point.

 

Point is loads of stuff happened that we both could have handled differently...

April of this year she dumped me for being too clingy, then found out she had arranged a date with someone else. Found out when i came home she had canceled i took her out and she said she still loves me but needed time to process everything. I went back to uni but at this point i became obbsessive and intense because i was so worried of losing her.... speaking to her mum to calm me down even though it didnt help.

 

Went to cannes and while there found out from her mum she loved me but could only be with me if i was closer to home and switched unis...i face timed her that night and she told me she still loved me and when i got home we would spend time togehter throughout the summer...i burst out in tears of happiness. Got home for a week we went out and it was amazing at first...but she prolonged doing anything physical with me and then after said she wants to experience another guy I kept asking her if she was sure she wanted me and she said she wanted to make it work...

 

I then recieved a message asking me if i wanted to move in with her at some point over the summer...me reading this i was over the moon and was planning on taking her away...next day she dumped me as she wasnt sure anymore

 

I tried leaving it but i made the mistake of walking into their house as i was so used to it and wanting to talk to her , then ended up speaking to her mum secretly because her mum said she still loves me but is testing me etc her mum said she was doing it for her daughters benefit but in the end it drove me insane with worry...i hated talking about my ex without her knowing but yea...

 

i was invited out shopping with both of them and ended up getting upset as my ex was trying on amazing clothes but one minute flirting then having a go at me.

 

After that i asked her about us being confident due to what he mum had been telling me...she said she had no plans to be with me again, her mum then told me i had ruined all chances because i had brought it up... my ex then told me i wasnt ready to be friends with her and blocked me because of me talking to her mum...

 

I sent her a few messages over a couple of days then left it a week between messages :/ she then told me she never wants to hear from me ever again what dont i get... i broke down so hard.

 

Was doing no contact for 3 weeks nearly and bumped into her in the street...i tried being confident but my emotions came out again and i asked if we could be friends at some point...she said no i begged her to think about it and she said okay....i sent an email the next day saying thank you and ill give you plenty of time...

 

Sorry for the long message everyone but you might as well know the whole thing...i miss her so much and i feel like im thinking straight again now and i can't believe i wasn't 100 percent faithful i hate myself for it and think what if i hadn't done any of it ....she was my best friend and everything.

 

I dont know what to do

[Gloria25]

So I'm guessing now you're both early 20s?

 

IMO, this is not the woman you will marry and have kids with. You both need to not take dating so seriously. You both are still growing and maturing. Gone are the days when you must get hitched with your college or high school sweetheart.

 

You'll be ready for something serious (marriage) by 28 - 30s. Cuz people aren't the same at 20, 25, 28 and 30.

 

The only thing that I recommend is to cool the heels on having sex with all these people. At 40, I can let you know sex is an intimate act and if you just do it so casually and frequently, you start becoming cavalier and cynical when it comes to respecting, connecting, etc. with others. I mean, please re-read your post. All this sleeping around is causing confusion, emotions and drama.

 

So, cut out the sex, date and spend quality time with people. Have sex when you're really with someone special who you wanna deeply connect with. When you arrive at your late 20s - early 30s, you won't have emotional damage and spent enough quality time with women to make a wise choice in the long term.

[thecrucible]

You are young and learning things as you go along. I think you both need space from each other and heal to gain some perspective. Try to avoid going out with her in a group of people if you still are emotionally processing it. At the same time, say hello if you bump into her in person but there is no need for drawn out conversation. You have to accept at this point that you may not be friends post break-up. It feels like it's possible now but that may change. Personally I'm not friends with any of my exes as it never ends well (this is something I've learned through experiencing different break-ups). Focus on spending time with your true and tested friends and distract yourself from this. I've found young love can cause great pain in a break-up but you always look back on it as being a positive experience and you see that it wasn't meant to be. I think you will get to this point eventually and there is something good on the horizon.

[howen97]

So I'm guessing now you're both early 20s?

 

IMO, this is not the woman you will marry and have kids with. You both need to not take dating so seriously. You both are still growing and maturing. Gone are the days when you must get hitched with your college or high school sweetheart.

 

You'll be ready for something serious (marriage) by 28 - 30s. Cuz people aren't the same at 20, 25, 28 and 30.

 

The only thing that I recommend is to cool the heels on having sex with all these people. At 40, I can let you know sex is an intimate act and if you just do it so casually and frequently, you start becoming cavalier and cynical when it comes to respecting, connecting, etc. with others. I mean, please re-read your post. All this sleeping around is causing confusion, emotions and drama.

 

So, cut out the sex, date and spend quality time with people. Have sex when you're really with someone special who you wanna deeply connect with. When you arrive at your late 20s - early 30s, you won't have emotional damage and spent enough quality time with women to make a wise choice in the long term.

 

Thanks Gloria,

 

Im 19 and shes 17, also i never slept around with anyone physically, i should have been clearer. it was just talking to people online but i know its still bad.... i just miss her and want to show her ive changed