Hopeless?

[jimnightshade]

This is painful to admit. Please be kind to me.

 

My girlfriend and I dated for almost a year (but for about a 6 week breakup in the middle.) I had a lot of things to deal with, a recent divorce and an angry wife, pressure from my kids, etc. that kept me doubting / not being fully there for her sometimes, especially when she was moody. She has some insecurity/jealousy issues with me as well, since I am well known in the community (I go places and people come up and hug me - men and women) plus I have a couple of female platonic friends from before our relationship.

 

We were living together temporarily while she awaited her new apartment to be ready for move in - during that time she said "I think we should be single again when I move in to my new place, I don't want to lose you, I want to still date, I'm not giving you up..." And since I was feeling pretty much the same way at that time I agreed it was a good idea.

 

A couple weeks before she moved out we talked and she said "Can we just be single now?" and I agreed, as the pressure was bothering me - her jealousy was still present and I was tired of it. That evening we continued our date and had a blast with the pressure off. A couple weeks later we went to a party together and she got VERY jealous/angry that I complimented one of her friends on her costume. I had been complimenting everyone with a cool costume there but this friend is a trigger for her. I got angry with her, and she apologized.

 

I helped her move into her new place, and she gave me mixed signals, inviting me to sleep over but annoyed if I ran into her in public and invaded her space (i.e. sitting down with her and some friends in a bar to say HI for a minute.) I did my best to give her space.

 

We then went on a trip that we had planned before our breakup, and it was perfect - she said I was everything on that trip that she ever wanted me to be. I told her that I love her - she told me "well I loved you." We did make love that night, though it was strained.

 

After that we were still talking, getting lunch sometime, etc. She mentioned a show she wanted to go to and I offered to get tickets for us for her birthday - she said that she'd like that. But a couple days later when I texted that I got the tickets she called me back instantly and said "Why didn't you check with me before you bought them" - Ultimately saying that if we were still BF/GF it would have been fine, and if I had checked with her again it would have beed fine, but I overstepped my bounds. I offered her the tickets and she declined them and said she didn't want to date anymore.

 

I tried to give her space - checking with her if she was going someplace that I wanted to go and telling her "if you'd rather I not go I'll skip it."

 

I decided I would institute "no contact" at that point but she called the next day to talk...and say SHE wanted no contact for a while. This was hard, especially since she beat me to it - but I was hurt.

 

I went to see a friend, and she was concerned that my ex was saying bad things about me (defaming my character) based on something she heard her say. The things she repeated to me where some of the beefs I knew she had about me - but taken out of context could be construed differently. I told my friend as much...but then I started to wonder.

 

I checked one of my computers and she was still logged on on FB there - so I looked to see if she was saying anything bad behind my back. She wasn't - just normal stuff. She was talking to this one guy that, when I saw where he worked, I remembered her saying to me "she always had a crush on him." That made me a little nervous.

 

I ran into her at one of the places we both frequent, she had told me if I did just to "nod" at her in acknowledgment and ignore her otherwise, which is what I did. She called me over to talk. I told her I knew all of her issues with me and they all were surmountable, and tried to analyze the breakup. She told me that I had "cock-blocked" in front of a guy she had a crush on forever - of course I remembered who it was. When I saw him in public, even though I don't know him, he'd give me these weird looks so that confirmed that. (I'm actually not worried about this guy at all...not in the picture - not a real threat and I really don't care what she does while she's single.)

 

During the conversation she said "You don't understand, we're over" and I unwisely replied "You don't understand, we're destined to be together." (I thought that was somewhat romantic to say - you may think differently.) This is a woman who was telling everyone she could a few months earlier that she was going to marry me. I was her perfect man, etc.

 

I bided my time, and she started contacting me again a little - I felt I was finally breaking through, and then something happened.

 

I was with that same friend who warned me about what she was saying - talking about her about that other conversation - saying that "She needs some time to find herself, she said to me she has this crush - that's cool, let her do her thing." Then I notice that the crush dude is at the next table.

 

Well, apparently he texted her that I was there and talking about him - and she showed up 5 minutes later. My friend was in the BR when she showed up, runs into her and tells her "I think he really misses you." I go in and say "Hi" and act like everything is normal. Talk to her for a minute.

 

Long story short - she thinks the only way I could have known about this guy is by having access to her FB. It's not the only way, since she did TELL me without saying who and had pointed him out to me some months earlier.

 

I freak out though, I'm busted, I don't want her to know that I ever had any access to her FB. I go back on the computer and go to FB and make sure I can't log in so I am no longer tempted and try to get rid of any trace of it. Well - when I do that FB sends a message that someone has tried to log into her computer. She blocks me from all social media - I get called on it with that mutual friend as a go-between and admit it.

 

She sends me an email telling me that she feels violated and that she is instituting strict no-contact for 6 months. Hopes we will be able to talk again then with both better and stronger hearts. I give her my word, and apologize, explain how I was feeling. She also says she has had me banned from one of my favorite bars so she can go there and not worry about running into me. I tell her that that's fine (I check with the bar, I'm not really banned, but I am still going to give her that space.)

 

And now there is literally nothing I can do. I still love her absolutely. I am avoiding her in public. I don't go to that place anymore (though I'm looking forward to the end of the "ban")

 

I am having so much trouble moving on - I feel absolutely hopeless (though I still have hope that she will forgive me someday.) I know that she would have/has done similar things (the FB thing) even to me. She is very intent on punishing me though - and I know she has told a few people about this even though she promised she wouldn't do anything to ruin my reputation.

 

I guess the only question is - Has anyone experienced a similar breach of trust and forgiven it / gone back to an ex?

[jimnightshade]

Bueler? Bueler?

[jimnightshade]

Hey folks - should I just take this down? Is it in the wrong place? I haven't gotten any replies.

[sugarpuss]

Hey there. Your original post is a little on the longer side, which I think is why you haven't gotten any replies yet.

 

Okay, so my opinion: forget this girl. You say there is literally nothing you can do. This is true now and was true from the moment she said "You don't understand, we're over." I don't know why she contacted you after that. Some girls like to mess with guys, and it sounds like that's exactly what she's doing. She must like the attention. You've let her completely dictate the rules of the "relationship" as well. She knows she can play you and you'll keep running back. She's got you on a short leash.

 

Checking her FB was wrong but you can't take it back and believe me, you're not the only one who has done this before. What's done is done. If you've apologized once, no need to apologize again.

 

Live your life and don't think about her. Seriously, if that means going to the bar where you're "banned", go. You don't need her permission to go to a place just because she might also be there. Move on.

 

And when you're feeling hopeless, just think....what would you rather be: free and living your life on your terms, or with someone who tells you "we're over," bans you from showing up at places she wants to go, gets weird when you tell someone they have a nice costume, etc.? CHOOSE FREEDOM.

[anika99]

You asked her if she wanted you to get tickets to a show. She said yes so you went out and got them. Then she chided you for getting the tickets so you offered to just give them to her. She told you just to nod at her when you see her but stay away from her which you did and then she called you over and you went running. My God! You're acting like her trained puppy. Sit! Stay! Now Come Here! Good Boy! Now go lay down! Bad Dog!

 

 

She has no respect for you because you are not acting like a man with self respect and when a woman doesn't respect you it's a lost cause. She is keeping your around only because you are a massive ego stroke to her. All she has to do is crook her finger in your direction and you come running. Then she pushes you away again and you go sit in the corner just waiting for her to summon you again. Find your spine and get rid of her.

[jimnightshade]

I get it - thanks. I was cool....until I wasn't. Never was her lapdog at the beginning, but she was so moody got to walking on eggshells sometimes. You'll have to remember that that was the first time I saw her since she asked for no-contact, the first "nod" and I was kind of desperate to see her. It didn't define our relationship...but I get you.

 

When she went from "I'll never give you up" to "I don't think I want to date" to "No Contact" in a short time it hit me pretty hard. We're in no contact right now - but you are right, I lost my edge on this. I appreciate what you said. No excuses here.

 

Actually anika - that was awesome - thank you!

Edited August 3, 2016 by jimnightshade