What I did, What he says now, What to do?

[yellowrose]

We just broke up Monday evening. I initiated it because of communication problems but I would rather work through them than end the relationship. As it turned out, during the course of the conversation, a lot of the things I felt he was thinking or doing he said weren't accurate. Things I thought he didn't care about, it turns out he did, etc.

 

I deeply adore the guy and he feels good to be around but he can be snippy when he's having a bad day and I just can't deal with that. Anyway -- We spoke yesterday morning. I had slept like crap (basically not at all) and I called him to tell him I miss him. He asked how I was and I told him, "I'm sad and I barely slept at all." to which he responded, "I've been thinking about you. I'm really sad too." I was on my way to work so I suggested that we speak later and he agreed. I received an e-mail later that afternoon telling me the same, that he was tired, sad, and confused.

 

I think that there were a few things leading up to this and I think his response was more reflexive than sincere.

He's been awfully comfortable. I let him have a key and invited him to make himself at home in my place. A couple of times we were supposed to meet, then I'd get home a little late and he'd be there all smiling and sweet. At the time, to be honest, I was a little weirded out that he had been in my house alone for that time without just calling me and saying, "Hey, I know traffic was bad so I figured I'd just meet you at your place." It was after that when I started feeling a little indignant. Like, I love him and he hasn't said it to me but he feels good about letting me cook dinners and coming into my home. That has me feeling a bit uppity. --Totally my own doing. I was putting the invitations out there and he was accepting. The resentment feelings caught me off guard. I didn't think I'd feel that way.

 

Aside from being snippy with me when he's had a bad day, I have no real complaints about the time we spend together. He's affectionate and loving. Very cuddly and fun.

 

So when he snipped at me on Monday I told him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore. He asked if I was sure, then said, "You're probably right." Later that night he came over and again said, "That's probably the right thing to do." Then he said he wasn't into it anymore. Now, I'm not buying that because just the night before he came over for dinner and was very affectionate. All of a sudden this story about "I want to break up to" comes up? I really think he was just trying not to appear hurt and was being defensive. -Not that I would blame him at all. It's kind of seeming like, "You can't fire me, I quit."

 

But I think the minute we both had to turn around and look at what we'd be missing by not being with each other it made us really realize how good we do have it. We have a lot of very friendly, relaxed fun together. He's really easy to be around and there is a lot of attraction between us. The sense of humor we share is a bit off the path, so it's fun to have someone around who doesn't think I'm weird for laughing at the things that I do. He's so smart, sweet, tender and handsome.

 

So what to do? Is the door open to work through this?

 

I'd be an idiot not to try. I just have him so freaked out now that I don't really know how to proceed.

[Treasa]

I get snippy with people when I've had a bad day, too. As long as he's not being abusive, don't sweat it. As far as other things are concerned you're sort of pushing in close to him (which most guys don't seem to like...they tend to enjoy being the pursuers), pulling back, and then breaking up with him when you didn't mean it. Yes, you did sort of make a mess of this, but I bet it could still be fixed. Call him up, tell him you're sorry and didn't mean what you said, and explain that you just need some time to clear your head, but that you'd like to talk to him about this in a few days.

[Cwazydude]

Well, People do tend to get snippy when they have had a bad day, The world is a cruel place, And it's not like your going to actually find a guy out there that isn't snippy after a bad day, After all, we're only human.

 

You can't justify you being weirded out by him being in your house when you kinda gave him the key, And then after feeling weird not telling him.

 

And, He is trying to be defensive, Probably because he didn't see this coming. Every normal relationship has fights, and for you to just break it off, just like that, probably caught him off guard.

 

Listen, Don't take him back if you can't learn to accept his flaws. This may come to you as a surprise, but you have flaws too. Everyone does, No-one is perfect. He seems to accept you for who you are, why can't you do the same?

 

When you are ready to love him for who he is, then call him and apologize. But if your not, Don't bother.

[yellowrose]

You guys are right--- you're right, you're right, you're right.

 

I forgot to add last night that I told him I was so sorry and that I said some things Monday night that I really didn't mean. I should have just talked to him instead, but I haven't felt like we could have a good, deep talk. He *really* avoids emotional discussions or "relationship talk".

 

I told him that I made my good and bad lists and there was an awful lot of stuff on the good side. I told him that I really wanted to talk about staying together, but at the time I wasn't able to have the actual conversation as I had to go somewhere, then offered to meet him for coffee on Friday.

 

I love him. I really do. How do I break through this communication problem so I can discuss these things, so we can meet in the middle. -Not just on his stuff but on mine as well. I know I'm far from perfect.

 

How do I open a dialogue with a guy who normally doesn't want to talk about this stuff in such a situation?

 

I'm so sad. I don't know what I'm doing. What a mess.

[Cwazydude]

Well, The next time you meet him (Like for coffee or something) Hold his hand, Look deep into his eyes and tell him how you feel. Physical contact has a lot more power then people realize. And if he tries to evade you tell him that you love him and such and you really need to talk about it, and finish it off with a dramatic "Please..."

 

Don't forget that your the one that wanted to break up, so I'm sure that he still has very deep feelings for you. So, don't worry about him rejecting your feelings.

 

Best of luck.

[yellowrose]

Oh my God I feel like I've been so horrible. Why couldn't I just have talked to him?

 

The things that built up and made me snap with the last snippy call were that I had told him I loved him, he didn't return it but told me he was crazy about me, that I was very special to him, but he moves very slow with those words. That's fine. That's more than fine!

 

I feel like I screwed up one of the nicest things that's ever come my way.

[Cwazydude]

You didn't "Screw it up". You made a little mistake, you snapped under a little pressure. Don't be so hard on yourself, Remember, your human, so is he, we all do bad stuff at bad times and so on and so forth until the end of time.

 

But you didn't "Screw it up". Your relationship is still very fixable, just calm down and wait till you meet him again. Until then just relax and live your life.

[scared shy]

Awesome advice Cwazydude.

[yellowrose]

When I returned his e-mail last night I asked if we could go get coffee on Friday evening so we could visit. He just responded with, "I think Friday is a little to soon for me after all this. Maybe sometime at the end of next week? Will that be alright with you?"

 

An entire week. I suppose I deserve it.

[Cwazydude]

What did i say about being hard on yourself!?

 

Calm down, He probably thinks you broke up with him because of something HE did, So now he's looking at all of his flaws and trying to deal with it. Like I said, you caught him off guard. If my girlfriend all of a sudden broke up with me I would freak out and look at anything/everything I could have possibly done to warrant a break-up.

 

Give him some time if that's what he needs, I don't think he's just going to throw his feelings out the window if he still is in contact with you.

 

Just... wait. I know thats lame advice, but it's kinda all you can do.

[yellowrose]

"He probably thinks you broke up with him because of something HE did"

 

Well, I did. Not that it warranted a break up.

 

Ok--- Here's the catalyst rundown. I e-mailed him at work because I wanted to surprise him with an evening at a really nice hotel downtown as a romantic night out, but in order to do it I needed him to at least set the evening aside and pack an overnight bag. It's been *super* hot here and neither of us has very good air conditioning, so I thought, "Hey. I'm going to get a nice room down by the water so we can just lay around, be cool, and enjoy each other's company". He e-mailed back and said he doesn't like surprises then started to pick my plans apart. I got my feelings really hurt because, after all, I was trying to do something romantic and sweet for him and he kind of threw it back at me. Then everything else that had been bothering me all came back and got me fired up, which is what led me to the break up conversation.

 

He's a grumpy old man at heart, but sometimes I think it's cute. -Just not this time. I'm not one to make grand romantic gestures. It's a risk. And the first time I tried to with him I got shot down. It hurt.

[Cwazydude]

Mmm, Sounds to me like he's not exactly opening his heart to romance, most likely because he's been deeply hurt in the past and now his heart has a brick wall around it.

 

By what you've said its obvious that he cares for you a lot, but most likely has a difficult way of showing it.

 

 

But in your defense, I would also be deeply hurt if I were in your shoes.

 

 

Then again, I'm thinking that there is something going on to make him even more irritable then he normally is. I dunno, this is all very drawn out. You still love him, I'm sure he still loves you, but you both need to find that middle ground where he knows you love him and you know he loves you.

 

But then again, Things are always easier said then done.

[yellowrose]

Well, I e-mailed him back and said that it would be good for me if we could get together this weekend instead of next. (But if he needs that space and says "no, next weekend" I'll do it.) -Because I've had a horrible past few days. Barely any sleeping, eating, concentration, and I'm really sad.

 

Then last night I had resolved not to call or anything, to give him some space and time to come down from all of this, then went out with a good friend who's in town. It only took 3 beers for me to slip into the bathroom and leave him a voicemail. Oh cripe. It was just a little small talk about a movie they're filming in our neighborhood bar, told him I miss him already, that I feel horrible and I hope we can talk soon.

 

Beer = someone should lock up your cell phone when you're newly broken up.

 

So this morning I've resolved again, that's it - I had my one drunken phone call, I sent him an e-mail (in response to his) and now I will just see where the chips fall. He has the message that I feel bad, miss him, and have left the door open for him if he wants it. I've done all I can do for the time being. He deserves some time to be hurt, upset, pissed off, then hopefully calm and forgiving. -If I'm lucky.

 

[moimeme]

Aside from being snippy with me when he's had a bad day, I have no real complaints about the time we spend together

 

You have to learn compassion for your partner. If he's snippy, it's a sign he's feeling bad. We all do it and all need understanding rather than hostility at those times. Yes, you were hurt by it, but had you kept in mind that he tends to get this way you wouldn't have expected him to be different. You got hurt because you expected him to behave a certain way and he behaved another way. He probably thought you were being unkind to him because you planned a surprise and some people are deeply disturbed by surprises. But rather than trying to understand his point of you, you shunned him.

 

I'm saying this not to beat you up because you already realize you goofed, but so that you'll know for next time - people you love will not always feel wonderful and that's not about you. So if you adjust your thinking to compassion rather than hostility or injury when it happens, you'll be much better off.

 

Remember: 'the wounded animal strikes'. If someone bites your head off, chances are that person is feeling bad so your best response is to be empathic rather than to get mad. The first response will bring you closer together; the second drive you apart.

[yellowrose]

You guys are completely right.

 

I allowed myself to feel wounded instead of stopping to wonder what was making him lash out. But honestly, I do think that was a natural reaction. I just need to learn to stop and take a step back before reacting and being pouty.

 

I feel horrible that I cut him off instead of warming up to him. He's been grumpy and distant, but still affectionate and loving.

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have a rule book. Just fumbling around, trying to figure it all out like everybody else. I hope he cares enough about me to work through this.

 

BTW, Cwazy- you said that it's obvious to you that he cares deeply. How do you mean? It's hard for me to see it when he's being very distant right now.

[yellowrose]

We met on Saturday, went for a walk, sat in the park, talked and talked... And ended up working things out. I'm relieved, happy, and know how lucky I am to have a patient and loving guy.

 

Thank you guys SO much for helping me through this. I deeply, sincerely appreciate it.