Husband has left me

[Bree33]

Hi all, I would love some advice on my situation (plus would love to engage with you too, about your situations). We have been married for 5 years, crises happened, but we seemed to be making it through without fighting and such, I would say it was a loving 5 years. I'm 40 he is 30. No kids. We were both planning to move to california, I got a job first, and he was to follow. I set everything up here, started working, got place and then he got a job here too and we were all set for him to rejoin me. I was so excited! Then, suddenly, mid-move, he says he's depressed and and wants space, wants his own place. After a few weeks of this (after he moved in) he found an apartment and is now gone. Says he needs therapy first before he works on our relationship. Says he is extremely depressed. I'm devastated. I don't think there is anyone else (at least now, due to our phone sharing plan and email password knowing, but that has ended) Worse, he told me how excited he was about his place!! I know he has started therapy but would love to hear it straight from y'all.

[CarrieT]

He wants space? 99% probability he is having an affair...

[amaysngrace]

Maybe you guys just grew apart. I'm sorry that you're sad and all alone in your new place.

 

How is your new job? Do you like it and are the people nice?

[Bree33]

Job is ok, thanks for asking. I would say, in my case, no, we didn't grow apart at all-- I tried to do the long distance thing, visit him constantly, plan trips, etc. It was a bomb drop when he decided to get his own place! He loved the apartment I found. Was excited about moving in, who knows what happened.

[Lowrider93]

That's a hell of a time to spring this on you after you picked up and left everything, most men who love their wife's don't say I'm depressed and then go and leave them. What's going on here, that's what you should be asking, and he better have some good anwsers. Keep us posted.

[Tonofbricks]

How long was the period between the moves? How was communication during this down time... Notice any changes? Did you facilitate move financially?

 

I would say depressed people would be on the frozen side ... Moving , new job , new place and new people = future and excitement .. Not really mindset of a depressed person.

[Bree33]

Hi lowrider, I agree. Suddenly it was "I haven't been happy for a long time" "I'm depressed" All of this stuff! And here I was with a place and so excited. I guess over our time of being apart something happened.

[Bree33]

hi Ton of bricks:

it's been a year of me back and forth, husband arrived in June. Now August, has his place nearby. I'm just conceptualizing I guess, "my husband has left me." everyone is asking how we are in our new place. It's been horrible.

[Lowrider93]

He's 30 years old what could he possibly be depressed about all of a sudden,

Is he mature enough to understand what it takes to be in a committed marriage.

The excitement is in the chase not in the catch, he may not be done growing up?

 

I hope things will work out for you

[Marc878]

Hmmmmm, smells like another woman in the mix. You have checked the phone bill online?

[Bree33]

I know this screams another woman. I will say, I am quite the hacker, and as of now, not yet, is another woman. Of course he might be looking but for now, no.

[Ontos]

What was he doing with his time after you left for CA? Going out? Hanging out with buddies? Hobbies??

 

I remember being smothered by a girl in college and when she left for the summer it was like I was free again. I probably would't have broken up with her had she stayed over the summer - but the new found freedom was like WHOO! It wasn't another girl that drove me.

 

My point is not that you were smothering him, but rather he may have been OK in the relationship, but once you moved he sprouted wings and likes the single life better. If so, he needs to man up and tell you.

 

Ask him point blank if he is happier single. It will be tough, but you can move on and so can he. I think the depression story is a smoke screen.

[amaysngrace]

Job is ok, thanks for asking. I would say, in my case, no, we didn't grow apart at all-- I tried to do the long distance thing, visit him constantly, plan trips, etc. It was a bomb drop when he decided to get his own place! He loved the apartment I found. Was excited about moving in, who knows what happened.

 

Maybe he just got freaked by being out of his environment or maybe he didn't like the fact that you were doing everything and calling all the shots. Maybe he felt out of control or something.

 

I think this is all about him and I wouldn't beat yourself up too badly if I were you. If he can't even communicate what the problem is then that's a bad sign right there.

 

I'm glad you like your new job.

[stillafool]

If you moved to L.A. you are not the first woman who moved there and lost her husband. Between the sunshine and the beautiful women men (and women) all of sudden want to be single again.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry to hear this Bree.

 

I notice that you did all the planning and setup for the relocation. How much help did you get from your husband? Looking back, were you both equally excited about the move? Why move?

 

I find it a little difficult to believe that he is suddenly depressed. If so, a "loving" husband doesn't pickup and find his own "bachelor pad" to find space. This sounds like a way to isolate, conceal his activities for something else. Do you have access to all of his email accounts? Skype? Etc. He could have multiple email accounts. Some you don't know about. If he's tech savvy enough, he'll know how to delete things, sites he's visited, etc.

 

Does he communicate with you daily and often? He is getting therapy? Did he give you the name of the therapist?

[Bree33]

He's seeing a therapist, right now actually.

That's the thing, I guess I can't tell how much is possible depression and how much is "I want to be single". It is true, he was partying a lot when I came here, so yeah, either of these (or both) might be true.

[Friskyone4u]

Bree,

 

I think the thought that a lot of folks have when a spouse of either sex all of a sudden wants "space" or "separation" is that there is an affair of some type either going on or in the works.

Not sure California has anything to do with it or not. There are attractive people everywhere.

 

Just my opinion, but the more "space" you give him and the more time you let this go on, the worse your chances to recover from this are.

 

You seem to be convinced there is no cheating going on, but then you say he is out doing a lot of partying. That for sure means more opportunity, especially since you have zero accountability from him on his specific whereabouts.

 

Personally, I believe you should tell him his "space" needs to come to an end by a date that YOU decide, and after that that without a polygraph to prove that he is not trying out another woman to make you Plan b that his space will be permanant.

 

Sorry you are in this situation

[Bree33]

Hi Frisky,

I totally agree with you, if he isn't cheating, it seems like he's looking or at least fantasizing about it, minimally. I do feel like I am Plan B at this point. Which is the worst feeling, and yeah, one should not just sit around and allow oneself to be a backup!

[tinkerbell16]

I know this screams another woman. I will say, I am quite the hacker, and as of now, not yet, is another woman. Of course he might be looking but for now, no.

Screams of burner phone... his actions don't sound of a depressive nature.

Brace yourself for the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech.

When things don't make sense it's because they are lying about something.

Sorry you are going through this.

[Lois_Griffin]

I also get the feeling that he enjoyed the 'single life' for the year you had moved to California while he stayed behind. You said he was 'partying a lot' after you moved west, so that's really telling.

 

I don't think there's one particular woman he invested so much into that it caused this situation, because if that were the case, he probably would have stayed behind with her. But I also don't believe he sat home every night once you were gone, crying into his beer and dreaming about the day he'd join you in California. I think he started living life as a single guy and enjoying it a little too much.

 

I also think it would be naive, at best, to assume he lived the life of a choir boy while you were gone. If he was using any of those dating apps (Tinder, POF, Bumble, etc. etc.) you can communicate with others inside the app using their messaging system and it's all done over WiFi, so you wouldn't find anything on your cell bill anyway. Plus, there are so many free texting and calling and chat apps out there that you can communicate with others 24 hours a day and nothing would show up on your bill. He wouldn't even NEED a burner phone - there are too many apps out there that he can use to accomplish the same thing. So finding nothing on your cell bill just doesn't mean anything anymore.

 

I think you're beating a dead horse and it's time to lawyer up. Sorry.

[Friskyone4u]

Bree,

 

Lois just gave you good advice about lawyering up. That does NOT AUTOMITICALLY mean divorce, but it does mean to your husband that his days of fence sitting are NOT with no limits. You can stop a divorce anytime you want to,

 

And in many cases, it is necessary to do that to knock a wayward spouse off the fence. And that you need to do so you can resume some normalcy in your life.

 

So I would tell him that if he wants to resolve your marriage problems that you are all open to honest communication and maybe therapy ( with no commitments that whatever he has done is forgiven). B

 

But that if he wants to live the "playboy" life carousing in bars that he is free to do that but just not as your husband.

 

You need to be firm, and avoid playing what is called the "pick me game". That rarely works out well.

[Tayla]

So sorry to read of this scenario... How disappointing as a spouse.

 

Please allow this pause to be an effort to re-assimilate.

 

I remain neutral on the affair conclusion. It is though for him to share what created this change...

 

I will hope though that the therapy can rejuvenate his spirit. You both deserve time to work thru this... Together.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Bree, how has your situation been going? Have you been able to make any determination of where your life is going?

Take care

[Bree33]

Hi Lowrider, thanks for checking in.

Husband is drawing out moving out process in my opinion in ridiculous ways. Keeps coming over, taking more stuff, etc. I do have his keys back now so we are officially "separate". He texts me funny links sometimes. Obviously, I feel like I should go dark somehow. It's weird, he keeps initiating contact with me, and says things like "i think we will be able to work this out, after I figure myself out." "I'm pretty sure at some point we can work this out." Talks about stuff he's bought for his new place "at some point, maybe being in our guestroom of our house."

I guess my question is, what do you do when someone is only halfway out the door? He texts, offering help of any kind. (I am not taking him up on anything, just being friendly and polite.) We are not talking about the relationship, I'm just seeing what is happening. He asked if we could play tennis soon. What do you do when someone moves out but they keep interacting? (no kids btw in this marriage)

[S2B]

Hi Lowrider, thanks for checking in.

Husband is drawing out moving out process in my opinion in ridiculous ways. Keeps coming over, taking more stuff, etc. I do have his keys back now so we are officially "separate". He texts me funny links sometimes. Obviously, I feel like I should go dark somehow. It's weird, he keeps initiating contact with me, and says things like "i think we will be able to work this out, after I figure myself out." "I'm pretty sure at some point we can work this out." Talks about stuff he's bought for his new place "at some point, maybe being in our guestroom of our house."

I guess my question is, what do you do when someone is only halfway out the door? He texts, offering help of any kind. (I am not taking him up on anything, just being friendly and polite.) We are not talking about the relationship, I'm just seeing what is happening. He asked if we could play tennis soon. What do you do when someone moves out but they keep interacting? (no kids btw in this marriage)

 

You take ALL of his stuff to a storage unit and pay one month of rent. Put a lock on the unit and send him the key with the address and details to go get it himself. Tell him it's paid until ______ date.

 

Then you're done being manipulated by him by toying with your feelings and pretenses of coming to get a few things at a time.