"Outsmarting" the silent treatment - is it possible?

[Standard-Fare]

I respond really terribly to the silent treatment, but I think that's normal with a behavior that many psychologists classify as emotional abuse.

 

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for "outsmarting" the silent treatment giver, i.e. winning the upper hand in their manipulative game, or making them feel foolish or guilty for even trying it. (Or if you've been the a*shole who's GIVING the treatment, any memories of what's broken you?)

 

Of course I know every case is different, but to get closer to my own case, let's talk about a person who is more hard-headed/stubborn and immature than they are "beyond repair" (i.e. a personality disorder where silent treatment is a part of the package.)

 

Also let me be clear that I don't mean this to apply to the final silence of a romantic breakup, or "ghosting" in casual dating. More like, a rare but troubling behavior in a long-term friendship.

[Alamo657]

Ignore the silent treatment as if its not happening and keep the conversation going, even if its one sided. Dont stoop to the level of the other person, and dont try to apply reason.

 

Just make it obvious that you wont deal with that kind of attitude, but in a friendly manner

[stillafool]

I'm really good with the silent treatment and when it's been directed at me I just act as if that person is an object and ignore it. I could do this for days with no problem. Once a guy tried that with me they didn't try it again.

[Haydn]

I'm really good with the silent treatment and when it's been directed at me I just act as if that person is an object and ignore it. I could do this for days with no problem. Once a guy tried that with me they didn't try it again.

 

Then why are you asking?

 

You said you respond terribly to silent treatment in your first post...

 

I don`t understand.

[stillafool]

Then why are you asking?

 

You said you respond terribly to silent treatment in your first post...

 

I don`t understand.

 

Are you asking me why am I asking? I didn't ask anything.

[jen1447]

^ 2 diff peeps.

 

OP, anyone who gives you any kind of 'treatment' is looking to make you suffer in some way (guilt or w/e), so the way to not be had by that is to not allow them what they want, whatever form that takes. For the silent treatment, it just means good-naturedly ignore them until they get over their little butthurt and start talking again, which they always do.

[sugarpuss]

My last long term relationship involved a LOT of the silent treatment--him being the giver. It's unfortunate because it's completely toxic to the relationship. Like you, I don't respond well to it (I mean, who would?!). Silent periods would typically last 1-2 weeks. The first time he did it, it bothered the hell out of me. Each subsequent period, to protect myself, I forced myself to care less and less...and as a result, I cared about him less and less. I remember he tried to justify it by saying he was just so mad he needed time to cool down. He'd rather not talk to me than risk a screaming match with me. I get that, BUT no one needs 1-2 weeks to "cool down." Like in your situation, this was one "symptom" of a larger personality disorder he had going on...

 

I never did outsmart it. We broke up. The only thing that worked for me, of course, was not letting it get the upper hand. Living your life like normal and going out and doing fun things WITHOUT him is about the best thing you can do. I always found it funny when, after the silent treatment ended, he'd be like, "OMG, I've been so mad. Fuming all week. I barely ate, barely slept. Thursday night I only got 2 hours because I just laid awake at night thinking of our argument." I'd always be like LOL because on Thursday night, I had an awesome time out with friends and slept like a baby.

[keiji]

I get that, BUT no one needs 1-2 weeks to "cool down." Like in your situation, this was one "symptom" of a larger personality disorder he had going on...

 

Not necessarily. It's only happened once to me, and it was with my latest ex-girlfriend. Whenever we had an argument, I did need days and even weeks to calm down. I didn't feel like seeing her or even talking to her. As far as I know, I don't have a personality disorder. I just found her incredibly irritating and, instead of breaking up, I behaved like a jerk and disappeared for days or even weeks on end (that one's on me). Sometimes there's no malicious plans behind it, believe me.

[salparadise]

It's an immature, dysfunctional, unfair tactic. Never, ever do it to anyone. And never tolerate it being done to you. If someone resorts to the silent treatment just disengage from them and wait on them to cave and come to you. When they do explain that it's a deal breaker and if they ever do it again it's over. Or just tell them it's over now, depending on the status of the relationship.

 

My ex-wife would do it from time to time. I was naive at the time, but knowing what I know now, I'd realize that it means the end of the relationship. I have zero tolerance for dysfunctional, immature crap after going through divorce and doing my self work. After several tries I finally found a woman with exceptionally high emotional intelligence and the difference is like night and day. Too bad people have to go through so much to figure stuff out... or maybe I'm just a slow learner.

[Darien 76]

They guy I was with used to do that to me also. He would say he was angry and needed time to cool off. Instead of being angry I never understood why he didn't make the effort to communicate and resolve issues. Instead he would go silent and either he or I would reach out after 2 plus weeks. It was ridiculous and I did not appreciate it at all. I wound up feeling disconnected from him and I resented him at the end. I view this behavior as abusive. When I would ask him what he had been up to during the time apart he would tell me about all the fun time he had been having with his friends. He was a creep for acting that way. It hurt me a lot and I lost a lot of love for him.

[Standard-Fare]

OP back:

 

Responding to silent treatment with your own silence:

 

I hate doing this, because I'm the type who wants to address conflicts directly, sort it out, and move on ASAP. There is SO much danger for misunderstandings and negativity to fester when communication halts at the peak of anger, and there's no shared work to get over that anger.

 

And for the receiver, I think underlying fear is always, "Oh man, is this how it's END with this person? Just wrapped up in a web of crossed signals?"

 

I guess that's exactly how the ST giver yields his/her "power" - they're in charge of when things start and stop.

 

I usually end up writing some lame-a*s email that I think is going to do the trick and let them see "the error of their ways," but of course that rarely, if ever, works.

[Methodical]

Sometimes a cooling off period is beneficial. Once words are spewed, they can't be retracted and that can be more damaging than silence. On the flip side, there's a huge difference between cooling off and using silence as a form of punishment, which is manipulative and not conducive to healthy relationships. Mature communication should be a two-way street when ppl truly care about each other.

[2GraceFull]

Not sure why your curious about this because it seems you already know how to give the silent treatment and have been on the other side of the silent treatment. Sounds like a very immature relationship, and if its been a long term relationship then you both need to learn how to "communicate". That is how relationships move beyond silent treatments by talking out their problems.

[basil67]

I had someone give me the silent treatment once. I told him that if he wouldn't be civil to me in my own house, he could leave.

 

He left.

 

Life's too short to bother with people who do this.

[Arieswoman]

I had years of "silent treatment" from my exH.

 

I never knew if it was because I had upset him, someone else had upset him, he just felt like that, or all three.

 

I used to ignore it and just do something else.

 

Looking back I was an idiot to put up with it. I learned later that it's passive aggressive behaviour coupled with poor communication issues.

 

Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism

 

I resolved after my divorce that I would never accept that sort of behaviour again, but I never actually met anyone else who behaved liked that.

[bubbaganoosh]

When my now ex wife and i were married and the marriage came to an end, she pulled the silent treatment on me. I went along with it and let her stew because i wouldn't give her any ammo. I was sleeping on the couch and she came in during the middle of the night, knocked over the couch and when I got up she was swinging at me with everything she had.

 

She got me in the corner of the living room and was hitting an kicking and i grabbed her hand to make her stop. She bit my arm and drew blood. I finally go her off my arm and she bit me in the stomach and drew blood. I had to go to the ER and get stitches. While I was there two state cops showed up. Doctor had a nurse call them when I told him how I got bit.

 

They wanted to know if I wanted to press charges and I said no because my daughter was there but I told them to go to the house and let her know that they were called. They did and told her that if I call them, she's going to jail. Well that broke the silent treatment and she finally left but continued to make my life miserable. Thinking about it now 35 years later i should have pressed charges and taught her a lesson.

[studentguy]

My ex would silent treat me often. I disagree with her? She wouldn't answer or talk for 15 minutes. We finished watching a movie in the cinema and walk home? No touching, no talking allowed for the whole way. On the way home from a concert? No way I could talk to her or touch her. I absolutely detested it. She couln't even tell me what's wrong, she would just shut up and shut me up.

Best way to handle it? Just go along with it. Sometimes do a little tit for tat. So when she wanted to talk and be nice again I refused. It actually feels good to not always be on the receiving side of this and see her affected by it. Sometimes I could pick her up, tell her a funny story that, did something that made her smile and I had her affection again. But it just felt draining.