Wife abandoned us. ?

[Itsjustme9999]

Hello there, Firstly I would like to thank those who read this and can give me some advice or personal experience.

I am a MALE (32) and my Wife (22) got married 2 years ago, we have a BABY (1). Our marriage was quick and fast when we met because she was from a different Country and we wanted to be with each other forever.

We went through such hard but happy times getting the marriage done and also a traditional wedding at her HOME country.

When we are back to my Country. Things seemed fine, as most couple do, we have our ups and downs. Mostly due to my short temper (which I am constantly trying to change, and she knows because she once told me she can see I am trying hard to change).

Things take a turn to be bad when my business failed and we had to give up the house and move back to my parents to live. During the course of 4 months she had to work (online sales), to support our expenses while I am trying to figure things out and search for a job again.

Recently, I found a good paying job and things were back to normal. I even saved up for a trip back to her home country because she misses her parents tremendously. Everything seemed fine, I went with her with our baby.

When we are back, I resumed work, thinking as a man, I need to focus my time and effort at work and provide for my family financially. While she stayed at home to look after our baby. I even told her to continue her on-line business as something to occupy her time.

20 Days ago, while I was at work. She packed everything, handed over our baby to my parents and went back to her Country. Leaving a note. The note in short states that 'She Loved Us' but she can't live together with us. She can't take it any longer.

I don't understand. When I came back home from work , I was shocked, I had panic attack and blacked out. There is no way to contact her, none of the phone seems to be working. I am 100% sure no affairs are involved.

I spent the last few days, analysing what happened, and it is so painful, I can't eat nor sleep, in just a few weeks I lost 25 lbs.

I knew she was having a difficult time, being a new mother and coping with living in a foreign country. Hence, I tried my best to help with the baby after work, I don't hang out with any friends, I go straight home to them after work.

There were also times she told me she cried when talking on the phone with her Parents and such. I never took it too seriously thinking I will try my best to make more visits.

I don't know what she is thinking, doing now. I am in constant pain and I am not sure if she will ever come back. She loved our baby more then her life (what I believed and still am). How can she possibly leave just like that ? Is this temporary ? or can a mother just leave and never comes back.

Things between us adults is one thing, but this does not affect her role as a mother. If she is having trouble with me, she could have talked to me (even if she knew I would go crazy and rage). I feel this is so unfair of her to our baby.

Thank you for reading.

Suffering and Lost.

[Jeff1690]

Dude I don't have much advice on that one. Did she take all personal property? Look around the house and see if she left any written passwords to social media accounts and emails. If you find any log on and see what you can find.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Very tough situation all around. I truly believe she (and you) didn't know what she was getting into by moving so far away from her family. She's still so young! Having a baby, home alone in a foreign world, financial problems, etc. The totality of it all was too much! Your quick marriage wasn't the wisest, really. There should have been ample time to think things through and figure out the ins and outs before rushing into marriage.

 

Oh, well. Do your best to contact her. You must have her parents' address, right? Their phone number? (if they have one). For now, you need to do what you need to do to take care of your baby. Get help, family, etc. for support. Good luck!

[Itsjustme9999]

I always had access to that. There was no affairs involved. It's just the stress of living in a foreign country and some of our previous arguments. Mostly due to my business failure and over drinking which led to fights and many nights of tears. But that was about a year ago.

 

Her departure letter says 'she is afraid that the old me will come back one day. She love us (me and baby) more than anything in the world but she can't live with us'

 

Right now I am giving her the time and space she wants. I stopped trying to contact her or her family. I don't know for how long I will hear from her again, or maybe never.

 

I am afraid of being a single father right now, not because of the responsibilies but I am afraid my baby will one day grow up and question me: why did I not do more to make her mother stay. Why did I give her a motherless childhood.

 

I am in so much pain right now, so many questions so much uncertainty.

[Itsjustme9999]

When do you think is the right time to start filing for Abandonment?

[Itsjustme9999]

I will feel so sorry for my child, I blame myself and feel so guilty in causing this to her.

I am just so confused and anxious now, I can't seem to release any of my stress, all the things I use to love and do, bring no happiness to me anymore. I know I need to be mentally happy in-order for me to raise my child in a happy environment, but, no matter I am doing now, I can't find any happiness in it.

Suffering and Lost.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I will feel so sorry for my child, I blame myself and feel so guilty in causing this to her.

I am just so confused and anxious now, I can't seem to release any of my stress, all the things I use to love and do, bring no happiness to me anymore. I know I need to be mentally happy in-order for me to raise my child in a happy environment, but, no matter I am doing now, I can't find any happiness in it.

Suffering and Lost.

 

You have a baby. As long as you support and love her, she will be fine. What she needs is you to get your crap together, emotionally, financially, and for you to create that happy world for her w/ or w/o a mother. You are not alone in being a single father. I am one. Have been since my kids were very young. Get it together and get support!!! Family, friends...

[Itsjustme9999]

Thank you for your reply,

 

I understand I need to get things working out for my baby, I have gathered support from my family. My mother is helping out what she can in taking care of my baby, as I can't seem to handle it right now. My mother is old, and sometimes I just feel so sorry I am burdening her.

 

How long does it take for this pain to go away ? I am a month in, and it just feels like getting worst.

[Mr. Lucky]

When do you think is the right time to start filing for Abandonment?

 

Have you spoken to an attorney? You need an experienced family law practitioner to help you understand your options and make decisions.

 

As far fetched as it seems, she could be back home laying the groundwork for a custody battle and residence for your child in her country...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Itsjustme9999]

Thank you so much for your concern.

 

According to my Attorney our country has a very strict law on full custody to the local parent without any considerations.

 

Even if violence or abuse is present, the custody will go to my immediate family here.

 

But, this is actually not my main concern, she is her mother, and I know she wants the best for her. I just don't get it why she can bare/survive to not see or ask about her child for a month now. Could this be depression ? Or maybe she is in as much suffering/pain as I am.

 

What pain me most is not knowing if she had forgotten her child, but, it will hurt me even more if I know she is suffering missing her.

 

If there is ever anything I had done so wrong, I beg God to forgive me, and bring this pain away from my Child and Wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

If there is ever anything I had done so wrong, I beg God to forgive me, and bring this pain away from my Child and Wife.

 

I don't see anything you could do that would break the bond between child and mother. Don't blame yourself, this isn't your fault.

 

Sounds like some of the marital issues rest on your shoulders, very different from child abandonment...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Itsjustme9999]

We do have some marriage issues, I still remember prior to few days before she left, she told me she can see that I am trying to change some of my bad behavior (short temper).

 

I don't want to force or pressure her at the moment in regards to our relationship.

 

I just want to know, based on the perspective of a parent will she one day resume contact and ask/care for our baby ? Even if we are not meant to be, I can't accept the fact she would just forget about our child.

 

Thank you

[basil67]

We do have some marriage issues, I still remember prior to few days before she left, she told me she can see that I am trying to change some of my bad behavior (short temper).

 

I have to be honest here: "trying to change" your temper is very different to "I have changed and haven't lost my temper for a year". Thing is, if your temper still rears it's head, she's right to take the child and leave.

 

What type of professional help are you receiving to help change your temper?

[Itsjustme9999]

I successfully established communications with my in-laws. My mother spoke to her sister. It seems that they are looking for her right now, but is also unsure of her current location.

 

I have good relationship/reputation with my father and mother in law, I beg/asked them to take care of her if they can find her, as I am very worried of her safety.

 

I just hope one day, this will all end, I am willing to give up our marriage if that is what brings her happiness. After so many nights of thinking/crying and mixed emotions. I can calmly say that, all I want now, is for her to be happy, even if it means without me in the picture.

 

My only concern is her feelings towards our baby, if giving up on us also mean giving up on the baby. I can't forgive her for that.

[Itsjustme9999]

I went counseling and I was told I am suffering from emotion disorder due to anxiety. Tho not too serious (according to my therapist) I was given Xanax and went for stress relieve sessions.

 

None of that matters anymore, I just hope our child won't grow up knowing her mother abandoned us. Even if it's far fetch, I can't come up with any answers if she ask me one day. I might just break down crying. Tears is flowing now, by just typing this out now.

[Angelica21]

Dear itsjustme9999,

 

You are a kind, sensitive and caring person. That is good.

 

You want to understand what your wife is thinking and what she is feeling. But it may be impossible to understand. Stop trying to understand it. You want to know "why", but you don't need to know why.

 

A child only needs one parent to provide love, caring, fun and a happy home. If you are a loving, caring father then your child will have a happy life and will grow up to be a fine person.

 

If your child ever asks you, "Why did you not do more to keep my mom", you can answer "I tried as hard as I could. I was not able to bring your mother back to us. So I gave you the best life that I could possibly give you."

 

It will take you a long time until you feel better. Just take one day at a time.

 

One idea to help yourself is to ask yourself this pretend question:

 

If there was another family just like mine, but in that family the wife left because she died, how would that be the same or different to my situation where my wife abandoned us?

 

What choices will that father make to take care of his baby that might be exactly the same choices that I would make?

 

If my wife had died, wouldn't I try hard to give my baby a happy life without her?

 

Would I want me and my child to be unhappy forever just because the wife/mom had died? Of course not!!

 

So you don't need to be unhappy forever just because the wife/mom abandoned you.

 

Just feel the sadness for a while, and then work on feeling a little bit better every day.

[Itsjustme9999]

It's just unbelievable that caring strangers would have the heart to spend their time and effort to care. And yet, a mother would leave and not care for her child anymore.

No amount of words can thank you all enough for your efforts, I guess I needed this more than I thought.

Just a simple question, do you think, she will be back and at least take a look at our baby ?

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's just unbelievable that caring strangers would have the heart to spend their time and effort to care. And yet, a mother would leave and not care for her child anymore.

No amount of words can thank you all enough for your efforts, I guess I needed this more than I thought.

Just a simple question, do you think, she will be back and at least take a look at our baby ?

 

You don't know if your wife doesn't care. She is going through a lot right now as well. Only time will tell if she comes back or wants a relationship of any kind with her child. It is not uncommon for parent(s) to abandon their children for whatever reason. She may feel that the baby is best in your care and not hers. Perhaps she was having some serious emotional/psychological issues that she couldn't cope with and felt it best to leave the baby behind with you? I don't know all that has been going on, so no way of beginning analyze this...just do your part.

 

You have it in you to be the best dad AND mom for your kids, if be. DO IT.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. The one that needs to do the explaining isn't you but your wife.

 

There's going to come a time when your wife will surface and when she does, if it was me I wouldn't be real easy on her. what she did was selfish and to turn her back on her child is inexcusable for either a mother or father.

[Itsjustme9999]

Dear supportive members,

 

What I am going to say in this post might be offensive/selfish. I apologize in advance.

 

There is no doubt that I love my wife, she came from a very different background and country. But, what made me admire and fell in love with her was her strong and responsible character to provide for her family (parents, siblings) even at a very young age working 2 jobs as a waitress and office assistant. She is from Asia.

 

When we first met, at Singapore (I was there for business dealings), I never knew I would have a serious relationship with her. But things moved on, and I was determined to bring her happiness. I cried when I swear my vows.

 

I am from a well-off family, educated and brought up having the best things in life. My family initially opposed our marriage and after ups and downs we finally lived together after our child is born (we live with my parents).

 

My father and mother love and care for her after moving back due to my failed business and I started working for my dad again.

 

I don't know where I am going with this story, but, if she can leave our child because she knows our baby will be in good hands, why can't I have this selfish thinking ?

 

I know my parents will make sure their granddaughter will be well taken care of.

 

I don't know, I am really really confused now . A part of me just hope I can sleep, and never wake up. I tried, I really did, I searched the internet for answers to so many questions, hoping she is confused, depressed and stuff. Trying to find motivation by reading successful single father stories. For the past month, all I did was searching for answers and hope. I am so tired. I love my child, I just feel after all of this happening, I can't be with her.

 

None of this makes any sense. I wish I could fall asleep, and never wake up, I am weak, maybe I am just not the man I thought I could be.

[Angelica21]

You are stressed and depressed. It's very common for stressed, depressed people to wish things like fall asleep and never wake up, run away and never come back. Thoughts like that are normal.

 

But, at the same time you are thinking those thoughts, you continue taking little baby steps every day to feel better.

 

Your wife left you with a baby. Very sad, but not the worst problem in the world. You can feel all the pain and sadness for a while, and then get better again.

 

Think about some "what if". What if your wife and baby had died together in a fire with both of your parents? What if you were in a car accident and became paralyzed? What if your baby developed cancer?

 

When you think like that, you realize that you are not weak, and you can certainly handle the problem of being a good single father, with the help of your parents.

 

Get tough, and make a decision to make the best of every day, for your baby's sake.

[Itsjustme9999]

Am I being too pessimistic for thinking.

1) she is living a happy new life now, without me. She had forgotten all of our memories and vows.

2) she knows her baby is in good hands and she need not worry about her any longer.

[Angelica21]

(1) She is not living a happy new life without you. She is probably majorly affected by the trauma of abandoning her family.

 

(2) Although most mothers do not want to abandon their children, the mothers who do want to abandon them can do so more easily if they know the child will be well-cared for. So, yes, knowing that you and your parents will take care of the baby made it possible and easier for your wife to leave.

 

There are many reasons why a girl or woman, married or un-married, leaves their baby with the grandparents. Teen-age single mothers, adult drug addicts, adult mentally ill women, sometimes have a baby that they can't or won't take care, so they leave the baby with the one of the grandparents, or with baby's dad.

 

You are the lucky one...you have a wonderful baby. Your wife is the unlucky one...she has made a bad decision that she will later regret.

[Itsjustme9999]

Guys, the fact that I am posting all of this is because I really cared.

 

I never thought I would one day search Google for relationship forums and advice.

 

I am just a regular human being, I have my faults and weaknesses. But I am willing to change and work for our little new family. Friends and family keep telling me, I am desirable, even when we were married, I have had so many encounters of gourgeus women trying to seduce me tho they knew I am married.

 

I never once felt attracted to them. I find them very attractive.. yes... but.. I had always told myself, I have a wife and a baby waiting for me at home.

 

I don't want a new person, it doesn't make me feel better knowing i can always have one.

 

I love her so much. I did all I could. I am crying now, I want to trust and hope she is confused. She is having a depressed period.

 

You guys might think I am too emotional right now. But, writing this here, is the ONLY thing that is keeping me saint.

[Itsjustme9999]

Just one last question.

 

If I am to start waking up from my pain now, and move towards a better future with my baby. Would it be unfair to my wife if she is suffering now and/or confused. Have I done enough for us ? But then again, what else can I do now ?