Wife abandoned us. ?

[Steen719]

Did your wife have any signs of postpartum depression?

 

Did I understand you correctly that her family does not know where she is?

 

Was living with your parents difficult for her?

 

Betrayal is a pain that is difficult to live with, but endure. You will feel better and your daughter needs you. Keep going to counseling, post here, talk to family and friends and keep in touch with her family if you can. Protect your daughter from custody issues by addressing her mother's absence legally.

[Itsjustme9999]

No, there we no signs of postpartum depression that I can see. We took baby birth as a big thing, we had her family came down with us before and after giving birth. Friends from her country made regular visits during the first few months after our baby is born.

 

Yes, her parents don't know where she is now, she is evading them. But they know she's back to the country.

 

Living with my parents difficult or not, this i can't answer. But there were no fights/conflict whatsoever. She is not requested to-do any house work. Just taking care of our baby.

 

Only signs were l, she felt very lonely and sad after our trip back from her country. She cried while talking to her parents. She told me many times she misses them and her country. I made efforts and told her we will visit whenever we have the chance. I even set a date which is ard 6 months.

[Itsjustme9999]

You advised me to keep in touch with her family, this i feel would bring more questions and anxiety to me. I just want to know she's safe, that alone is enough.

[aileD]

She's a baby. 20 years old when she met you---an older man. You took her away from her family who she probably lived with her entire life,to another country, had a baby quickly, and showed your temper. Then she had to support you.

 

This was probably too much for her at such a young age. The decision making parts of the brain don't even fully mature until about 25 years old. She made a bad decision.

 

This is why older men should stay away from young girls. Just because they're 20 and an "adult" doesn't mean they have the life experience to make these huge decisions or even know what they really want for their life. Then you expect them to act like their your age with wisdom, experience and maturity.

 

I'm sorry I'm going off -my husband is cheating with a 21 year old so I have some strong thoughts there. But it's something to consider.

 

She may just need some time. I'm sure she won't abandon her child forever. Give her some space .

 

Good luck

[Itsjustme9999]

Dear aileD, thank you for your comments.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through with your husband cheating, my dad cheated on my mum some years ago, and I can feel the pain. They are still together, but scars will remain for life.

 

Just follow what you think is right, I suppose this is the only thing we can do. Personally for me, I will never give up on those whom I love. I can't give my baby a complete family right now, but I can give her 200% of me as a father.

[Itsjustme9999]

If you were to come up with a random timeframe, how long do you think it will take till she will return and take a look at our child and maybe have a talk with me in regards to our marriage?

[CarrieT]

She may never do what you want or expect....

 

Holding out and wishing for something like that is a waste of a whole lot of energy and thought on your part.

 

Best to prepare and move forward with the idea she is gone forever. Then if she returns, the onus is on her to deserve your forgiveness and regain your trust and love. But bear in mind, if that happens, she will be a different person.

[Itsjustme9999]

How can she not return when we share a child together ?

 

Don't get me wrong, the idea of her returning don't mean we will live and be happy like before, but I believe I deserve a better closure.

 

I love her, but I am not selfish/stupid enough of a person to force someone to stay. Neither do I want that kind of relationship.

 

I just want her to at least take up the responsibility as a mother and even if she can't live with our child, at least have the heart to know what's going on in the future.

[Itsjustme9999]

There is a new update to this now. I found out there is a way to contact her. But I am sure she won't reply to any of my texts.

I sent her this msg

 

'I am sorry for being so un-attentive, impatient and causing you so much hurt in the past. I love you, but I don't know how to love a person. I was selfish. I know you need time and space now, I respect your decision. I will spend time working and improving myself for Eva (our baby), I just want you to know, you have a family and baby waiting for you here.'

 

I am sure I won't get a reply anytime soon, or maybe forever. Part of me felt I needed to send this msg. I don't know why, but I feel so much more anxious and pain after sending this.

[Itsjustme9999]

I am not going to send any further messages, doing so will only make me feeling worst. I am honest in saying 'me and our baby is waiting for you to come home'

I don't know how long this feeling is going to last, or how long I can keep the door open.

All I know is, I need to stop sending any further messages.

[Itsjustme9999]

Waiting for a reply from a kind soul.

[Angelica21]

Hello, itsjustme9999,

 

Yes, I feel a lot of kindness and compassion for you. I hope my message will give you some comfort along with reality.

 

Just one thing about me, because it relates to you. When my husband left me, I wanted him to feel sorry that he left me. I wanted him to tell me that he was sorry. But he NEVER told me that he was sorry. Why? Because he was NOT sorry!! He did not feel bad that he hurt me. He never said "I'm sorry" because he did not feel sorry. I wasted SO MUCH EMOTIONAL ENERGY wanting and needing him to feel and show remorse, but he never did. I finally learned to stop wanting him to feel the way I thought he should feel.

 

You are wanting, hoping and wishing for your wife to feel whatever feelings you believe that she should feel, whatever feelings you want her to feel. You want her to feel the feelings that seem logical and expected for the situation that you're in.

 

But many people do not feel the normal, logical, expected feelings that everyone else thinks they should feel.

 

Most of us on this forum would be more likely to feel like you: how could she do this? Why did she do this? How can she abandon a baby? What is wrong with her motherly love, that 99.9% of women feel about their baby but apparently she does not feel it?

 

However, it appears that she is one of those small percent of women who don't make the logical, normal, loving choices.

 

So, you have a right to suffer and feel bad that this happened, but as quickly as possible you need to counsel yourself to stop wanting her to feel the way that most of us think she should feel. You need to stop wanting her to make the choices that most of us think would be normal choices.

 

The sooner you accept that your situation is a weird, unusual situation, that there is no logical explanation for it, then you can move on.

 

You want to understand her and her choices, but it's not necessary for you to understand it.

 

You want to know "why", but it's not necessary for you to know why.

 

You want a logical explanation and some normal closure, but it's not necessary for you to get a logical explanation.

 

Don't expect her to give you closure, she's not going to.

 

You must create your own closure, and here it is: "My wife left me and my baby. I don't understand why. She won't tell me why. So starting today I'm going to stop asking myself why, and stop trying to figure it out. Eva and I can have a wonderfully happy life without her. We will never know why she did this to us, but "why" doesn't matter."

 

I hope this helps.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Angelica21

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Angelica nailed it. You need to stop posting why did she do this, why isn't she coming back even for the baby. Instead post about and asking about being a single parent.

 

I know you can't let go of the first at this time and for a long time BUT at the same time you need to be pro-active in pursing a divorce. Speak with a lawyer, get your babies birth certificate and put it in a safe place. Have your attorney do the work to inform customs, etc so she cannot slip into the county and take the child. Get a court order giving you custody.

 

Finally do not tell her about these actions. You do not know where and who she is with ! Do not let your inlaws know. I pray she is with them and they are hiding her. At least she is safe.

 

So to recap make a to do list, posted get feedback, develop a final list with a time line and keep posting about your progress.

[Jersey born raised]

Food for thought most applies to you. Remember stay on track on getting legal issues settled!

 

 

Here is food for thought*

 

If you are reading this it's because the most important person in the world - betrayed you. Sorry you're here. The good news is that you are the product of thousands of generations of clever, resourceful, tough ancestors who navigated flood, famine and ice age and consequently much stronger than you realize. You might love and want your partner, but you don't need them. Accept that and allow it to inform your actions to maximize your outcome. Conversely, choose to believe and act as if you need your spouse, and bring your worst fears to fruition. Love is your friend, need and neediness are your enemy.*

 

From the point of the betrayal going*forward you ought to focus on regaining your emotional equilibrium. It's hard to do because you naturally feel disoriented. Your primary human anchor just pulled up. Pick a trusted friend with a balanced view of your marriage and talk to them. Exercise is critical. Sleep may be tough. Catch up on weekends if possible. Try to prioritize this stuff until you've gotten through the worst of the disorientation. Avoid alcohol, drugs and opposite sex entanglements.

 

With that as prelude, the guidelines below are intended to help you navigate the Rapids:

- Assess the overall marriage

- Execute either an ALL IN reconciliation or the cleanest possible extraction from the marriage

 

This is written gender neutral - with one exception. Physical intimidation is not only maritally toxic - it may come back to bite you hard in family court. Pretend your spouse is recording, nay videotaping every conversation.*

 

Assessment: The goal is to search your soul and/or your gut to decide whether you think the marriage worth saving. Might help you to ask yourself some tough questions. Thing is, most folks feel some amount of love when they marry. And love is a beautiful thing. But for the long game, and marriage is the ultimate long game - compatibility rules. Love sans compatibility is the worst pairing of all. Virtually guarantees unhappiness. No oath, no vow will stop an unhappy person from cheating - either via a continuation of the affair or a brand new one. So roll back to just before you 'think' the affair started and answer the following queries.*

 

1. From that vantage if you could choose all over again, would you marry this person?*

2. How would your partner answer that question had they been asked it pre-affair?

3. Do/did you love each other?

4. Are you compatible?*

5. How much did my spouse accept and/or seek my company?

6. My non sexual touch

7. Sex*

8. Overall did they do a good job of making me feel loved/important?

9. Did I do a good job of making them feel loved/important?

10. Was your partner overall trustworthy, reliable and focused on you? 11. Or did they have a wandering eye, a flirtatious posture towards others.*

12. Did they let you marry them, or want to marry you?*

13. Do they feel sick about betraying you?

14. Or only sick they have been caught?

15. Or only sick at the prospect of being exposed to friends/family?

16. Or only sick at the thought of having to end the affair?*

17. Have they cheated on prior partners?*

 

After answering those questions you ought to have a good feel about recon or divorce.*

 

If you want to reconcile, it is time to discover what your partner wants.*

1. Do they want to stay married/try and reconcile?

2. Why did they cheat?*

3. What are they willing to DO to rebuild trust and heal?

4. Write a no contact letter?

5. Make a no contact call in your presence?

6. End the affair without one last get together for closure?

7. Provide transparency via phones and passwords etc?

8. Resume (if the affair interrupted it) a normal sex life with you?

9. Provide you with whatever details you want including a timeline of the affair?

10. Transfer departments or change employers entirely if their AP is from work?*

11. Take a test for STDs

12. Take a pregnancy test

 

Regarding (2), listen carefully. Might learn stuff ends up improving your marriage. The responses to (2) range from: we had a good marriage and I behaved selfishly and that is entirely on me. To you are the worst spouse since Henry the eighth and that is the ONLY reason I cheated. What they say might however, have real merit. For instance: you stopped sleeping with me years ago, or you consistently rejected my requests to spend time together. If you were the primary cause of a weak marriage, you need to decide if you can fix it. And you should acknowledge that and commit to fixing it.*

 

Confirmation: This phase is mostly about observable behavior. Words and in this case vows - are cheap. Actions WILL confirm or contradict your assessment. Is their primary emotion remorse or resentment. The stuff they committed to doing up above - are they doing it without pressure. Or is it you dragging them along. Considerate and kind about your heightened anxiety level? Or accusing you of being controlling?*

 

Execution: If you've both decided to try to recon, it's critical to accept the following:*

1. The more needy you seem, the less lovable you will be. This is every bit as unfair as it is true.*

2. People use the following phrase all the time: I was crying and begging them to stay

3. Crying is ok. It's about the loss of something you prized. It shows love.

4. Begging may be the single most toxic thing a betrayed spouse typically does. Crying means: You love them and are sad at the thought of losing them. Begging means you don't love yourself very much.*

5. If their affair partner is married or living with someone, you ought to contact that person and let them know what's been happening. There are several benefits to that, the best one is this. If your spouse has truly committed to NC, won't be a big deal. If they are still prioritizing their AP, you will get an angry reaction.*

6. If their AP is a coworker they frequently interact with, that's an inherently difficult situation. The focus should be on their prioritizing a transfer/company change.

7. Your perception of time is now different. Before Dday - you likely weren't nearly as impacted if they were running a bit late and didn't call. When it happens after Dday, you feel a lot more anxious. Thing is, if you call or text them every time they are officially one minute late, they will love you less. Doesn't mean you ought to be a doormat. If they are routinely way late without a call - that is a very bad sign. At minimum it means they are comfortable knowingly causing you intense distress.

8. Sex is a great litmus test for whether the recon is genuine. A WS who, upon discovery abandons, or continues to abandon the marital bed, is likely insincere.

9. Some folks advocate a zero tolerance shock and awe approach to demanding they stop the affair. This is a: choose right now one way or the other approach.*

10. Others are willing to compete with the AP over a period of time when faced with a WS who openly refuses to stop the affair. This is more likely a good strategy if you believe your pre-affair conduct was a significant contributor to the affair and want your spouse to see the 'new and improved' you before insisting they choose. And in some cases, this approach results in their choosing to end it of their own free will. Most folks find this competition period intensely stressful. If your partner is either selfish or has weak character, they will string this out as long as you allow. And will constantly move the goal posts for what you must do to win them back. This path MUST have a bright line end date.*

11. There are many paths to successful recon. However, a partner who continues a sexual relationship with their AP, while refusing to sleep with you, rarely reconciles. They tend to totally lose respect for you for tolerating it.*

12. Last but not least. You may be tempted to employ some extreme tactics in an effort to recon. These include your use of third parties either to advise of shame your partner. See examples below.*

 

Option 1: Attempting to cripple your partner so they CAN'T leave. If you go this route, eventually everyone you know will know that - you've turned into a psychopath - including your children and the family court judge. Good luck with that.*

 

BS: I just called the last of our friends and family and sent an email out to them as well. I told them what you did to me and the children. And asked them to contact you and tell you how wrong it is to destroy our family for a few cheap ****s. I also contacted your employer and made a big fuss. I think they're going to fire you. And when I spoke to your AP's spouse, they told me they are going to try and work it out with your AP. And I also called the minister at our church. So go ahead and divorce me. Just know that you have no friends, your family is on my side, you will shortly be unemployed, you are unwelcome at our church and your AP is likely going to dump you. One last thing, I told the kids too. They were spitting mad.

 

Option 2: AKA - the voice of reason approach

BS: Picks one person who knows and loves their WS. Swears that person to secrecy and asks them to reach out to the WS and try and support them through the fog. The message to the friend is short and practical. I believe we had a good marriage and can recover. WS is lost in the fog. If you believe WS will end up regretting a divorce, maybe you can support me in helping them navigate out of the fog.*

 

Obviously there are many points on the spectrum between option 1 and option 2. A small modification to option 2 is to disclose to the partner of your spouse's AP. That person is in the same boat you are. That's actually a very effective step.

[Jersey born raised]

You should also consider this thread to understand what you are going though. Do not read it as if she is coming back!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

You stated you sent one message are not going to contact her again BINGO !

Read this and live it

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Do not ever respond to her again unless it is about your child. As you have sole custody there is no reason to contact her.

[Itsjustme9999]

Thank you all so much guys,

After talking to my therapist yesterday, I felt more emotionally stable, I mentioned to him, I always felt better after talking, but out of no where, the 'crazy' emotions and thinking will creep back. There is no other way to help me other than medication. I just hope I don't have to rely on this forever.

After that, I went home. During the night, my sister came over and invited me out for drinking. It's been years since she done that. We talked for a few hours, and I have some positive thinking after that.

Would like to share further, but my baby is waking up soon. I need to get somethings done before typing a long text wall. Stay safe and big thank you to those who posted.

[Itsjustme9999]

This comment is truly beautiful

 

You must create your own closure, and here it is: "My wife left me and my baby. I don't understand why. She won't tell me why. So starting today I'm going to stop asking myself why, and stop trying to figure it out. Eva and I can have a wonderfully happy life without her. We will never know why she did this to us, but "why" doesn't matter.

 

Tho it seems and feels so impossible right now, I truly hope me and Eva will have a wonderful and happy life.

[Itsjustme9999]

The following post will be long, for those who are interested please read along.

It's been slightly more than a month since this happened, yesterday, just like any other day, I am moving back and forth from Acceptance, Forgiveness and Hope (worst part).

 

It was around 7PM yesterday evening and my parents brought my baby out for dinner with family friends, I was invited, but I really didn't have the mood to go. I was sitting at the sofa in the living room alone, browsing through the internet in search of every single topic on 'unwanted divorce', 'abandonment' and so on.

2 hours passed and normally my parents would be home in around that time. But today it seem to take longer, I was worried, I tried to call my parent's cell. Crazy enough, both of their cell can't get through.

Being in that unstable state of mind for me, I started to Panic, I started to imagine the very worst 'scenarios', what if they met with an accident, what if something really bad had happened. Now I am going to lose every single person I have left.

 

I dashed out of the house, took my car and wanted to drive straight to the restaurant they told me they are going. Countless bad images came rushing into my mind.

It was then, when I saw my dad's car driving towards mine. I paused, and I saw them emerge from the car, my mother was carrying my half-asleep daughter into the house. For that 5 minutes, I paused and thought to myself, things don't really seem so bad after all, I still have my baby and my family to live for. For those who had lost their family due to tragic sickness or accidents, whom loved ones left them without a choice, isn't that much worst compared to my current condition ?

 

'I STILL HAVE MY PARENTS AND MY BABY'

 

I went back into my house, my mother was still carrying my baby, I gave a hug, and I was sobbing. It turns out that, there was a rare traffic jam and both their cell went dead on battery.

What I realize from this event was, my wife left, and it was her choice, for whatever reason, I am sorry for my mistakes. I just hope she will always be happy, because I love her. Sometimes in life, you need to let go.

However heart broken or sad, this is my personal feelings, I should not bring this sadness into my parent's life and more importantly, not into my baby's future. I failed at being a husband, I can't fail in being a Father. I brought her into this world, and it's my responsibility.

 

I will better myself everyday now, I am a new Father, I still have so much to learn. No one knows about the future, sitting around hoping and guessing won't do anyone any good.

 

Just because the path is different now, it doesn't mean we can't be happy

[Itsjustme9999]

I am ashamed by saying this, but, for the past week. I made a few appointments with my insurance agents.

 

Last year I bought 2 policies for my daughter, and it covers her financial well-being if anything bad happened to me, accident, terminal illness, etc.

 

Does it make me a cruel dad, if I leave to a place far away from all this pain, but making sure my baby angel would be well taken care of ?

[The_Onceler]

I don't even want to say what I think you are saying here.

 

Dude. Things are hard. I can't imagine how hard. But they will get better. You have your parents who love you and want to support you. You have your daughter, who will grow up believing that you are a hero and a superman. And you will be. Just right now, in the face of some enormous challenges, you are having trouble.

 

Lean on your family. Speak to your therapist. Call 911 if you are afraid of your own actions. Just do whatever you need to do now so that you can be here tomorrow for you, your family, and your little girl.

[Itsjustme9999]

Friends, family, support groups online, they all tell me the biggest loser in this is our baby. It pains me to the core, every morning when I wake up and take care of my baby, when the memories and emotions come rushing back.

 

I am having a hard time working on acceptance and forgiveness. How can you accept and forgive someone who chooses freedom and life' over love and responsibilities as a mother/spouse. I just really can't accept this decision. One person's decision breaking the happiness of 2 families.

[Itsjustme9999]

I know I am bring selfish by saying this.. all I truly ever wanted was to bring up our child and nurturing her to be a healthy and happy person. Before this, I was always the one who prepare milk during midnight, changing her diapers in the morning before work. To be honest, I am doing none of this right now.

 

How do I find the 'Father' in me to start these routines again ? I am so confused in life right now. Being a successful single parent, having a good time in the future with just me and our child, doesn't seem to bring any happiness to me. I can fake it, but deep down, I know I am not happy.

[Itsjustme9999]

I know there are so many people here who are wiser and had gone through this with such strong determination.

 

Today is a very bad day for me, I was awakening 4am in the morning, I was having dream, good times that we were together in our room, just the 3 of us, our little family. Only to be awake and realise the bitter truth. I felt like I was dead, the word 'pain' isn't close to what I am feeling.

 

There is something that I am hiding, even from my therapist. I am using alcohol to numb my senses, for the past 3 weeks, I am drinking for 18 hours a day. The painful part is, the pain comes 10 times stronger when the alcohol fades, making me desperate for more, to once again numb the pain. I am barely eating, worst of all, I am neglecting my baby.

 

Am I going to go crazy ? I know what's right to do now, so many of you kind people here had shown me that my baby comes first now. I just can't find the happiness in me to do it. It's so painful, to the point I wish I can fall into a coma. I am crying to the point my eyes hurts so bad. I use to be a boxer during my teenage life, I had my forehead fractured once, yet I stood up and continued, why can't I do that again now ?

 

I am so sorry people, I let everyone down. If there is something I did so wrong, I beg God for forgiveness, to bring this pain away from my family and my baby child.

[CarrieT]

You need to confide in your therapist and join AA immediately.

 

You will be destroying your child's life with your alcohol. It isn't deadening the pain. It is masking it and is making you an ineffective father. It is not fair to your child to becoming so dysfunctional and I think you know that....

[Itsjustme9999]

Is there a way to ease the pain ? The emotions ? I am just not the Father I once thought I could be. If I could only share one of the many regrets in life, it would be my inability to be a good father, I am a loser. There is no reason in this world to back out from being there for your child, I failed.