Wife abandoned us. ?

[hl1962]

Once you are a parent, you can't be so selfish to do whatever you want with your life. I know how much you are suffering right now. Time will heal you. You don't want Eva growing up as an orphan. What if your parents have to go before she's all growing up? What if people adopt her not because they love her, but love her money? Be strong buddy, for Eva! You can do it!!

[ShatteredLady]

You lapsed. You haven't failed YET! Wake-up tomorrow & promise to do better & if you don't...wake the next day & DO BETTER!!

 

My brother failed. He took his own life. I KNOW that if he had the slightest clue as to how much emotional carnage would consume all of our lives he wouldn't of done it!

 

He was my only sibling. I'm being selfish, I need him so much. I so very alone & only my big brother could help me. I lost my parents the day I lost my brother. They're so very broken. Any memory of him makes them cry, it makes them sad. Every memory of me is linked to him. My very existence makes my parents sad. It breaks my heart.

 

My brothers children are destroyed! His beloved baby girl has been committed twice (when boyfriends left her) & she's a single mother at 17. He's a grandfather but he will never hold his first grandchild. She will never know what a wonderful, funny, kind man her grandfather was.

 

He somehow convinced himself that everyone would be better off without him. He felt that his life was a lie because his wife had a particularly cruel affair. Why couldn't he see that his children will live their whole lives knowing that they weren't enough for their father to live for? His pain was more important than them?

 

I understand his pain. I've known the betrayal. It's excruciating.

 

At the end of the day one truth remains.... The day that we become parents we take on the greatest responsibility of our lives. We don't need to be perfect. We just need to be there for them, love them, hold them. This is true love & you have it. You are loved, you are more important than you can imagine. You're a Daddy. It's hard. It's rewarding.

[Itsjustme9999]

My dear friends, how can I climb out of this dark deep hole I am in right now ? I was pushed down, I am suffering here in this hole, but the pain of climbing up and out is so crushing, digging deeper and falling deeper is what I am doing.

 

I can't, it's just impossible for me to accept and forgive. She backed out by choice, what on earth did our baby do to deserve this ? Shutting off emotions for a spouse is acceptable, but how could she do this to her baby ? Will she come to realize this one day ?

The amount of pain and betrayal, which is worst than killing us.

[Itsjustme9999]

Will she one day understand that what she did was wrong ?

 

A mother's love by nature is always unconditional. Being in your child's life is always a blessing. You brought her into this world by choice. Where are you when she needed you ? How can Eva ever understand her mother chose her 'freedom' over her ? Is she not worthy of a mother's love like all the other kids ?

 

I hate her for doing this, yet I still love her so so much. The greatest pain comes from hating a person you still love so much. If there is a day, when she comes to realise this, the pain would be crushing, knowing this hurts me more.

 

It would be good if I could just hate her, but I am only human and I still love her dearly, unconditionally. I suppose thia is where my pain is coming from.

[ShatteredLady]

Fake it until you make it!! Only time will make it any less painful.

 

She made a terrible, horrific, disgusting choice that I could never understand. It's not fair! It's so far beyond wrong that there's not a word for it!

 

Your life is not how you imagined it & it's incredibly painful. Many people here know just how you feel. Being a single parent is so daunting at the start.

 

I'm so sorry but you don't have the privilege of falling apart. It sucks but it's the truth.

 

When I was walking carrying my infant son I tripped & fell. When I tried to stand my legs were completely numb. I could see my foot touch the ground but I couldn't feel it. A piece of my spin disc had imbedded in my nerve. I have a degenerative spine. It's agony. I will be in pain every moment of everyday no matter what I do. I could NEVER lay in bed. Even when my body was screaming in agony I had to feed & change diapers. I had to follow toddlers around to protect them even when carrying a bowl to vomit in from the pain.

 

I've lived through my brothers suicide, my husbands affair & abuse. I live in a foreign country with no support system.

 

None of that matters because FIRST I am a PARENT.

 

HOW DO YOU DO IT? You simply get-up everyday & do it because you're better than her because your baby needs you because you're a DADDY & you don't have a choice.

 

One day you will be so happy & so proud that you did this! You will know love beyond anything that you can imagine right now. You will have unconditional love until the day you die. You will have such a very special relationship because you got through this TOGETHER. You are blessed. You just can't focus on it through your pain at the moment.

 

Please be strong. I know it's agonizing. It gets better. One day you will be truly happy & look back on this time in your life. What will you see?

[hl1962]

She's selfish. You are too, if you abandon your baby. You have no choice but to be here with her. She wouldn't remember if you change her diapers, she wouldn't remember you are absent right now, but a child growing up without loving parent(s) is the saddest child. Don't worry about her right now. She's in good hands. You are a great dad. You'll be there for her when she is older and needs you. Give yourself time to heal.

[Itsjustme9999]

I am grateful that I still have a place to share my pain here, each of us here has a story to share. To have a heart by sharing and helping others proves that you all here respected a relationship.

 

I thank you all so much for trying to help me and my child, wherever I am I would be sending my blessings and thanks to all of you here.

 

I need sometime to sort out things in my mind. If there is a day that the pain is over, I would update my story here. Thank you once again.

[Itsjustme9999]

Can life ever be beautiful again ? How do I answer my baby girl in the future when she ask me, where is my mother ? Why did she not want to be with me ?

[The_Onceler]

Can life ever be beautiful again ? How do I answer my baby girl in the future when she ask me, where is my mother ? Why did she not want to be with me ?

 

You can't answer her. You may never know, or understand, why her mother left. Instead, you CAN tell her why you stayed - because your daughter is wonderful, and beautiful, and unique, and loved. Because your daughter is the greatest gift you ever received, and because you are blessed to be her father. When she asks, "Why did Mommy leave?", tell her these things.

[Itsjustme9999]

But deep down, I know the answers.

 

I was not attentive enough and our life is boring. It's work for weekdays and family fun on weekends. Her mother don't want this lifestyle any longer. She wants her freedom. I can't blame her for that, but our baby can.

 

Today is slightly better for me. Woke up with no dreams. Having a cup of coffee and reading up on the forum.

 

I just hope, one day, I won't miss this person who is not worth missing. But as of right now, I am missing her so much, it just doesn't make sense.

[Itsjustme9999]

I am sure there are mothers in this forum.

 

May I ask, does it mean that if you know your child is safe and well taken care of (financially) give you a reason to walk away ?

 

I read so many discussions and articles online on mothers giving up their child for adoption. Not one of them could ever forget their child. In my case, she had a choice but instead she gave up her God given role as a mother. If she does show up in the future, how can I and Eva forgive her ? A crazy selfish part of me just wants to deny her ever seeing our child again.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am sure there are mothers in this forum.

 

May I ask, does it mean that if you know your child is safe and well taken care of (financially) give you a reason to walk away ?

 

I read so many discussions and articles online on mothers giving up their child for adoption. Not one of them could ever forget their child. In my case, she had a choice but instead she gave up her God given role as a mother. If she does show up in the future, how can I and Eva forgive her ? A crazy selfish part of me just wants to deny her ever seeing our child again.

 

No, it's not normal.

 

She probably has am attachment disorder.

 

Sometimes women flee abuse if they know the guy won't hit the kids but is treating her like a human mop.

[Itsjustme9999]

After she left, I reviewed our marraige in my head for over a million times, most of us would do that I suppose.

 

Yes, there were times we are unhappy, there were times I am acting all immature and stuff. But, not once did I ran away when she needed me. But this is out of topic anyways. It's not about us now, it's about her role as a mother.

 

Leaving a marraige is never a person's fault. It's always both parties. But I can't seem to understand, what did our baby do to not deserve a simple 'phone call' , because she's not happy with our marraige means giving up on our child as well ?

 

Yeah, I stopped loving my husband, he's a jerk, so therefore my child means nothing to me.

[Itsjustme9999]

She knows very well she won't have any custody rights. So does that mean, since I can't take my baby along with me, I must stop loving her, and care for her. She's not a toy, you cant own her doesn't mean you stop caring for her, wherever you are.

[Itsjustme9999]

Today is also a slightly better day, woke up alone in the house, and received a text from my mom they will be back 1 day early. Looking forward to see my little baby again. I will bring her out for dinner today. She loves Avocado and Salmon, and I have a place in mind.

 

I was alone in the house yesterday, and I had time for self thinking and reflection. Well, there are always things you did wrong and things you could have done better, this is what makes us human. Regardless if my baby's mother will return to see her or not, it's not my decision to make. I still have her at the back of my mind everyday, I can't diminish these feelings instantly. I don't know how long will these feelings last, but I know there will be a day this matters less and less.

 

My baby needs me, and I too need her. We will live and continue and happy life. And leave everything else to run it's nature.

 

I came across a very touching story that adds to my motivation to be a better father. I think most of you had seen it, but for those who hasn't.. here's the link.

 

Dad Writes Emotional Letter About Being a Single Parent

[CarrieT]

How is your drinking?

[Itsjustme9999]

Stopped, 2 days since. Never in my life had I drank so much in 2 weeks. Till I asked myself, why am i doing this. I knew if I continued, something worst will come, and I don't want that.

[CarrieT]

That is encouraging. You need to stay sober for your child.

[Itsjustme9999]

I will and I must. Just feels harder and harder each day. I know I am suppressing my feelings. I just hope my bottle is deep enough for me to keep these emotions forever. Well maybe sometimes, some people are just not meant to be happy.

[Jersey born raised]

Old expression: invest only in yourself you will go bankrupt. Invest only in others and you will wither and die alone.

 

Today you need to invest in others. Doing so you will find the faith in invest in yourself.

[Itsjustme9999]

I choose to invest in my baby, giving her unconditional love and protection. For I have truly lost the trust and hope in marraige. People change, but not the ones who truly loves you. Even more so for a mother. Maybe there are different cultures and believes, that teaches one person to value self happiness and needs above the person they once made a Vow. A mother who values herself more than her baby, for whatever reason.

 

Who am I to judge ? Because I am born and raised in a culture, in which Family never abandon you, ever. Don't give me the right to force someone else to do the same. Maybe there is no right or wrong, we are just different. And I tend to stick to my beliefs.

[Itsjustme9999]

I am sorry people. Maybe I won't be so hard if there were just the two of us involved. I just can't and never will understand how could a person just walk away from his/her baby. Even if somehow, I am abusive or a killer. How can a phone call hurt ? There are many people in this world, I manage to find a very special person.. perhaps..

[Itsjustme9999]

I am feeling it would take at least a year or so. I need time to improve myself first, mostly physically and more importantly 'mentally'. Life won't be too lonely I suppose, I have my little angel.

 

Woke up today feeling again slightly better, my baby woke me up, she came to me, and held my hands. Babbling things that I self translate to as morning greetings.

 

Honestly, every morning is ____. But I am truly in a less darker place, or shall I say less confused place. Hopefully day by day, this would get better. I don't know if any of you guys have had this feelings before. Where you ask yourself why are you still in pain, even when the situation became clear.

 

She no longer wants to be with us.

We shall no longer need her.

 

Much easier said than done.

[hl1962]

My friend was a model and divorced with a little boy. She had dated a guy for several years and really wanted to marry him and have children with him. As an only son from Taiwan, his widowed mother didn't approve. It took her about five years to get over him. One day she realized she didn't miss him. She started dating after that. Hope it doesn't take you this long.

[Itsjustme9999]

God bless you all, having to post a text wall just for me and my child. Having this place to freely voice out my feelings, it always make me feel so much better.

 

Note: I did not go with my parents for the holidays is because that's the place 'We' use to often hang out for weekend breaks, I am trying to avoid 'places', I know this sounds weak, but at this moment, I just don't want the memories to kill me.

 

For the past 3 weeks, all I am doing is 1) wake up, go for a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe.

2) Go home, hang out with my Mother and my child for an hour or so.

3) Sit around doing nothing and reading forums (Divorce, relationship) for 8 hours.

4) Trying to force myself to dinner with my parents and bababy (we don't cook)

5) Watch some TV and go to sleep, or at least try to sleep.

 

Ever since I got married 3 years ago, I had very little friends, most of the are mutual and are from her country. So I can't hang out with them any longer. My Mother said to me: The reason you are always stuck in this depressed mindset is because I am not doing things. If I am the person who have to worry about the bills and paying for my baby's expenses, I won't have time to be like this.

 

It's 8AM here now, and I have a made up plan for today, I just hope I can stick to it.

 

I am going to start eating healthy, and I will start jogging today. In the next few days, I will try to join meetup group for basketball activities (I use to be active in basketball 10 years ago).