Re-connected with an ex-boyfriend. Need guidance.

[TeresaEvers]

To start off, I must say that I have been in an unhappy marriage. It's a marriage that is now for financial reasons and for our child. Having said that, here is the situation that I need outside advice on: I reconnected with an ex-boyfriend (my first love) 7 months ago via email. We dated 30 years ago. He is also in an unhappy marriage.

 

Our emails increased and we eventually started to make phone calls and texts. The first two months, things were just friendly, but over time, became romantic in nature. Nothing serious or sexual, but he made comments such as "We would be so good if we were together"; "I was so tempted to call you last night"; "I feels so good just to hear your voice"; "I love talking to you so much", etc. Not only did our talks have this romantic undertone, we were extremely supportive of each other in our lives. During these last three months or so, things had escalated to almost daily contact of either texting or a phone call.

 

I should add that we live on opposite coasts, so this is clearly a long distance connection. So, about two weeks ago, he confessed that he has had a girlfriend the entire time we were talking. He explained that he didn't expect our friendship to evolve the way it did and that he never meant to hurt me. He proceeded to add that since we live so far away we can never really have a "relationship", but he enjoys my friendship very much and wants that part to continue. I have strong feelings for him and I'm afraid that I might be blind to the correct way to process this and that is why I'm asking for the advice of others.

 

He never made any commitment to me, nor did he ever imply that we were in a relationship, but I feel that the way he has handled himself these past 7 months were deceptive and misleading. Sometimes I feel that if he cared about me he would have thought of the consequences of building a romantic connection with me, while he knew he was already taken. I'm feeling sad and hurt and not sure how to process what has occurred. Was he selfish and/or deceptive, or did I read too much into his romantic undertones, frequency of contact and supportiveness? Any advice and opinions would be most appreciated! Thank you in advance.

Edited August 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and add paragraphs

[basil67]

Extremely deceptive of him. Not only to you but also to his girlfriend. He's leading you both a merry dance.

 

Drop this guy like a hot potato.

 

Then, what are you going to do about this marriage you're stuck in?

[aloneinaz]

You might of read too much into your contact and communication IMOP. If there was no direct conversation about reconnecting and starting a relationship, then as a guy I'd say the whole thing was you both needing the attention, friendship and support. This is especially true if you're both in a unsatisfying marriage.

 

He does get points for being honest about having this GF though and telling you he wants to continue a friendly, supportive relationship. I'm in a long term R/S that I'm very happy with. I still have occasional conversation w/ex GF's that are supportive, caring and flirty. I'm quite confident that both me and the ex GF's know there's nothing more to it than friendship.

[Redhead14]

You were both "enjoying" an emotional affair, nothing more. He did not have any intentions of moving this forward.

 

He has a girlfriend and has been cheating on her at least emotionally and so, I'd say, not really a "good catch" anyway.

Edited August 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[imperfectangel]

Run away and never look back

[loveisanaction]

Was he selfish and/or deceptive? Nope and nope....but you are. You are married, you are being selfish and deceptive to your husband. It doesn't matter what state your marriage is in, you are still deceiving and being selfish to your husband by taking on an lover (and yes your 'friend' is now your lover as you have upgraded to an emotional affair).

 

..Or did i read too much into romantic undertones. Yes, you did. Not sure though what you were expecting since he knows you are married and you know that he knows that you are married. What were you expecting from him and this whole set up exactly? Commitment? A relationship? None of these are possible as you are a married woman.

 

I think this man wanted to be your friend (initially) but when your communication became more romantic, he quickly confessed to you that he had a girlfriend. That way, should you decide to continue having these romantic talks with him which may or may not lead to a long distance affair, you will not feel mislead or deceived. He is telling you straight up that fun and passion is all that's going to happen here because he is a taken man.

 

You want to love and be loved by somebody. So, either you end your marriage then go out and find love or you work on it and see if you can build it up again with your husband but having an affair is not the road that will lead you to finding love again.

[winny]

As human beings we all seek love. When someone is not getting that love from their current partner they start to look elsewhere. Obviously you were clear and truthful about your situation to him but he was not. I think you should stay away from him. Also it is not right to stay in a marriage for wrong reasons. If possible get out of it.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce your husband then do as you please, or talk to your husband about having an open marriage.

 

Why haven't you tried to reconnect with your husband? Staying with him for money reasons and for your child is NOT a healthy reason to stay together. Your kid is basing what a relationship should be like by how you and your husband are as a couple and your dynamic too.

 

As for this ex from 30 years ago, you don't "know" him anymore, just what you've known from the past and also what he's shown in you now, even that as you see has been misleading and omitted truths. He's a waste of your time, you're investing in someone who isn't interested and he's long distance..And of course you have a husband at home. Does he know you're married with a child?

[TeresaEvers]

Divorce your husband then do as you please, or talk to your husband about having an open marriage.

 

Why haven't you tried to reconnect with your husband? Staying with him for money reasons and for your child is NOT a healthy reason to stay together. Your kid is basing what a relationship should be like by how you and your husband are as a couple and your dynamic too.

 

As for this ex from 30 years ago, you don't "know" him anymore, just what you've known from the past and also what he's shown in you now, even that as you see has been misleading and omitted truths. He's a waste of your time, you're investing in someone who isn't interested and he's long distance..And of course you have a husband at home. Does he know you're married with a child?

 

Yes, he does know I am married with a child. He is also in an unhappy marriage and has 2 children. I have tried many times to reconnect with my husband, but our connection is gone. Financially, it would be extremely difficult to divorce, as our incomes will not allow two separate residences. I do agree that divorce is best, but making that work is easier said than done.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, he does know I am married with a child. He is also in an unhappy marriage and has 2 children. I have tried many times to reconnect with my husband, but our connection is gone. Financially, it would be extremely difficult to divorce, as our incomes will not allow two separate residences. I do agree that divorce is best, but making that work is easier said than done.

 

No one else picked this up - he has a wife and a girlfriend?

[winny]

No one else picked this up - he has a wife and a girlfriend?

And talking to a third woman..... some people amaze me!!! I am here struggling to make one BF and people are juggling multiple... LOL

[cozycottagelg]

No one else picked this up - he has a wife and a girlfriend?

 

Yes this. If he can be this deceptive to his wife, I'm not sure why you are expecting him to be honest with you.

 

I don't see anything good coming out of an emotional attachment to someone you have no access to, and someone who already has 2 people in his life that are only getting a small piece of him.

 

You are worth so much more than this.

[What_Did_I_Do]

No one else picked this up - he has a wife and a girlfriend?

 

I did!I did!! LOL

 

So yep, deception of all kinds going on. These 'sweet talks' will lead you down a road to hell. Just read the other posts here.

 

He is lying to you. Chances are the state of his marriage/girlfriend/wife is A-OK and he's baiting you with tales of woe. Don't buy it.

 

Not good to stay (deceive) your H and stay M just for money and security. Don't count on casanova on the other coast to come to your rescue.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I did!I did!! LOL

 

So yep, deception of all kinds going on. These 'sweet talks' will lead you down a road to hell. Just read the other posts here.

 

He is lying to you. Chances are the state of his marriage/girlfriend/wife is A-OK and he's baiting you with tales of woe. Don't buy it.

 

Not good to stay (deceive) your H and stay M just for money and security. Don't count on casanova on the other coast to come to your rescue.

 

This type is the worst of the worst, equal to only the guys I read about about to get married and having an affair. I suspected my xMM of at least trying to get with other women as I read odd posts on his page, back when we were friends on FB at the time.

 

To the OP, you are just lonely and this is familiar. I actually started with talking to someone online, it went nowhere, and I ended up here with a real person from my everyday life. My advice is to stop now and since nothing happened and its LD, just cut off and figure out what you want, divorce, reconciliation, don't get into a real A. Only pain and suffering awaits.

[aileD]

Being in an unhappy marriage is not an excuse and it does not make it OK. Does your husband know that your marriage has been labeled as "unhappy"? Is he OK with you having affairs because the marriage is "unhappy"? I'm guessing the answer is no. You can't use the unhappy marriage excuse if the other person in the marriage doesn't have a clue.

 

Wake the bleep up. He's got a wife who you both just dismissed (put on the "unhappy marriage category with your spouse), and a MISTRESS. Not a girlfriend, to have a girlfriend you can't be married. She's a mistress. You are a mistress.

 

Do you want to have a future and marry a man that is cheating his wife with his mistress and cheating on his mistress with YOU?

 

Why don't you focus your energy on rebuilding your marriage or getting divorced so that you can actuskly find someone single and not be a mistress?

[loveisanaction]

No one else picked this up - he has a wife and a girlfriend?

 

Wait! What?

 

He has a wife and a girlfriend? I totally missed that.

 

Naaa Mehn! That's all kinds of messed up.

 

OP, You can't and should not want love this bad. This isn't even love, this is...i'm not sure what it is but it's not love.

 

End your marriage or work on it, either route you take is better than this.

[aileD]

Wait! What?

 

He has a wife and a girlfriend? I totally missed that.

 

Naaa Mehn! That's all kinds of messed up.

 

OP, You can't and should not want love this bad. This isn't even love, this is...i'm not sure what it is but it's not love.

 

End your marriage or work on it, either route you take is better than this.

 

 

You missed it because the wife and the OPs husband were totally dismissed in the first paragraph. Exiled to "unhappy marriage land" never to be considered again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You missed it because the wife and the OPs husband were totally dismissed in the first paragraph. Exiled to "unhappy marriage land" never to be considered again.

 

Amazing the free time these guys have.

[NTV]

What would you want your husband to do if he was in a similar situation as you?

[whichwayisup]

Yes, he does know I am married with a child. He is also in an unhappy marriage and has 2 children. I have tried many times to reconnect with my husband, but our connection is gone. Financially, it would be extremely difficult to divorce, as our incomes will not allow two separate residences. I do agree that divorce is best, but making that work is easier said than done.

 

What have you actually done to reconnect with your husband? why not come clean and tell him that you've fallen for ex boyfriend and that you've been having a long distance fling with him. See how he reacts. Maybe you two can discuss an open marriage. Would you be OK with your husband dating women? If that meant staying together for financial reasons and for your child? Just a thought to consider.

[Lobe]

He has a wife, a girlfriend, and you. You have a child and a husband.

 

What could possibly go wrong?

 

Divorce is always harder when all you're doing is thinking about it and not taking steps. Go talk to a lawyer and get out of your unhappy marriage, then find a guy who is single.

[DKT3]

Status quo, OP doesn't want to be divorced, it's that simple.

 

I'm always very curious when I hear someone who is putting all of their energy and enthusiasm into a new person, a new relationship talk about how they are trying with their spouse. It's like saying I'm saving money while spending all you earn as you get it. Bottom line is you can't do both.

 

Any effort towards the marriage is meaningless while you obsess over another man. Any movement and improvements by the husband will be overshadowed by the he desire to connect with another man. All comparison will leave the husband on the short end. I order to draw closer to another man to have to create distance in your marriage.

 

You can't reconnect when your mind and is elsewhere.

Edited August 2, 2016 by DKT3

[MidnightBlue1980]

Status quo, OP doesn't want to be divorced, it's that simple.

 

I'm always very curious when I hear someone who is putting all of their energy and enthusiasm into a new person, a new relationship talk about how they are trying with their spouse. It's like saying I'm saving money while spending all you earn as you get it. Bottom line is you can't do both.

 

Any effort towards the marriage is meaningless while you obsess over another man. Any movement and improvements by the husband will be overshadowed by the he desire to connect with another man. All comparison will leave the husband on the short end. I order to draw closer to another man to have to create distance in your marriage.

 

You can't reconnect when your mind and is elsewhere.

 

DKT3 - I am familiar with your story but you never mentioned (unless I missed it) was there an OW? I know you were way from home a lot.

 

Added - I ask because if you have never been in love with another while married, while your advice is dead on, I'm not sure you know how it feels.

[DKT3]

DKT3 - I am familiar with your story but you never mentioned (unless I missed it) was there an OW? I know you were way from home a lot.

 

Added - I ask because if you have never been in love with another while married, while your advice is dead on, I'm not sure you know how it feels.

 

Never, was in love with two women at once.....my ex wife (now wife AGAIN) and a new girlfriend. Made the decision to let the girlfriend go because she deserved better, she wanted things I'd already done.

 

I couldnt give her what she deserved while feeling the pull back to my ex wife, so I ended it. Then slowly started back up with my ex.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Never, was in love with two women at once.....my ex wife (now wife AGAIN) and a new girlfriend. Made the decision to let the girlfriend go because she deserved better, she wanted things I'd already done.

 

I couldnt give her what she deserved while feeling the pull back to my ex wife, so I ended it. Then slowly started back up with my ex.

 

Kudos for you for marrying your ex. It is very difficult to rebuild after an affair. Have you forgiven her? That is the big issue here. My H worries one day I will up and leave him for xMM. I guess you got past that worry.