Brother cheating on [his] wife

[sophinla]

Well I never thought infidelity would happen in my family, but my sister in law just told me my brother has been cheating on her for a year, and have even moved out to live with the OW for a few months, leaving her and their young son behind. He moved back but still wants a divorce, I'm guessing the OW kicked him out and gave him a deadline to leave his wife. He's reluctant to do it because of guilt. These cheater dynamics are so similar.

 

What I need advice from the BWs here is, what can a sister in law do to help? Should I not meddle or should I talk to my brother?

[l8estnews]

It depends. You can only give advice but well, it really depends. But whatever the outcome, please remember that you are also an aunt, and that kid will need your support and love too.

 

In situations like these, I always pity the children. They will be the one to potentially suffer the most blow emotionally.

[aileD]

First off I'm so sorry! My SIL as well as his whole family has been very supportive of me and my children and I'm thankful for that

 

Let him know you're disappointed in his decisions.

 

Find some resources online that you can send to him, that show the stages of an affair, the affair fog, how marriages can change but that doesn't mean the love is gone, the romantic feelings he feels are the same at the beginning of every relationship.... Just more intense because it's in the context of an affair

 

Find stories. Of men who left their wives and found out the grass was not greener.

 

Direct him to these places and just let him know:

you want him to have these resources and to do the research and look at the situation with an open mind because you care about him and his family and you don't want him to make a huge mistake that he may regret and his son will suffer with for the rest of his life.

 

He won't listen. Because he's in the fog.

 

But at least you can try.

[sidney2718]

First off I'm so sorry! My SIL as well as his whole family has been very supportive of me and my children and I'm thankful for that

 

Let him know you're disappointed in his decisions.

 

Find some resources online that you can send to him, that show the stages of an affair, the affair fog, how marriages can change but that doesn't mean the love is gone, the romantic feelings he feels are the same at the beginning of every relationship.... Just more intense because it's in the context of an affair

 

Find stories. Of men who left their wives and found out the grass was not greener.

 

Direct him to these places and just let him know:

you want him to have these resources and to do the research and look at the situation with an open mind because you care about him and his family and you don't want him to make a huge mistake that he may regret and his son will suffer with for the rest of his life.

 

He won't listen. Because he's in the fog.

 

But at least you can try.

 

I generally agree with this. But first, let HIM talk. There are undoubtedly reasons why he became unhappy in his marriage and I think it is wise to get his point of view so that you can tailor your advice to him.

 

And you probably should also talk to your sister-in-law. If they do divorce their child is going to need safe people to talk to.

[Lobe]

What I need advice from the BWs here is, what can a sister in law do to help? Should I not meddle or should I talk to my brother?

 

 

What outcome would you hope for? What does your SIL want?

 

My in-laws treated me like a f*cking pariah after they found out my WH has cheated. They just wanted him to be "happy" and were apparently willing to accept his infidelity as part of the soul searching that helped him discover his latent desire to convert from a hunting quad riding agnostic to a vegan yogi astrology expert who was into fisting. :sick: It was insult on top of injury how blase they were about my feelings - after knowing all of them for over 20 years, not one of them asked how I was doing. If she came to you, she was looking for support. I don't care if you decide to side with your brother (usually blood is thicker than water) or with her but do NOT lead her on with a promise of friendship if all you're going to do is go talk about it with your brother.

 

Whatever you decide to do, be honest and kind.

[solostand]

This happened in my family. My brother was married to my SIL for 25 years, and everyone thought they had the happiest marriage going!

Then one day, he screwed off to be with the OW, to another country no less! Out of the blue!

My SIL was of course devastated.

Now, of course I love my brother because he is my brother. But there is NO WAY I will let my SIL go. I've told her I love her, she will always be my SIL, and it doesn't matter. She is my family just like he is!

My father recently died and he came home for the death, wake and funeral. We made sure she had a prominent place in the ceremony because she loved that old man, and no one should take that away from her!

So just try to compartmentalize. You love your family, and your SiL is your family. Do not abandon her.

[JewelD]

If my brother did this, I wouldn't say anything about it. There's no need to get in the middle of this or even chastise your brother. There's two sides to every story and only the two of them know the truth.

 

If they want to talk to you, you can be there to listen, but I wouldn't try to intervene or 'fix' anything.

[aileD]

If my brother did this, I wouldn't say anything about it. There's no need to get in the middle of this or even chastise your brother. There's two sides to every story and only the two of them know the truth.

 

If they want to talk to you, you can be there to listen, but I wouldn't try to intervene or 'fix' anything.

 

I disagree. WS tend to seclude themselves away from reality, friend, family and go into the affair bubble.

 

There's no reason she can't tell her brother how concerned she is about his choices and their affect on his child

[ladydesigner]

If my brother did this, I wouldn't say anything about it. There's no need to get in the middle of this or even chastise your brother. There's two sides to every story and only the two of them know the truth.

 

If they want to talk to you, you can be there to listen, but I wouldn't try to intervene or 'fix' anything.

 

There may be 2 sides to a story but there is one side that is dead wrong and it is not the one being faithful.

[JewelD]

I disagree. WS tend to seclude themselves away from reality, friend, family and go into the affair bubble.

 

There's no reason she can't tell her brother how concerned she is about his choices and their affect on his child

 

Obviously she can do what she wants, however, that's drama that's really none of her concern to be trying to fix. Now if she goes to her brother and says "wtf is wrong with you" who is to say he's going to have a positive reaction? He might tell her to "myob" as well. If he wants to cheat and have a side piece, there's no sister, brother, cousin or parent who is going to stop it.

 

Now, the wife knows he's cheating. If she decides to stay and deal with it, that's on her. I'm sure her brother knows what he's been doing is wrong, he just didn't care enough to stop doing it. If he doesn't care about his wife being upset about it, why would he care about his sister being upset about it? It's not even her marriage.

 

Regardless, OP is not going to wave a magic wand and fix this problem. If anything, she will be in the middle of somebody else's marriage, and no, just because it's your brother doesn't mean you can invoke change. They'll expect you to pick sides and it will turn into a hot mess. Refer them to a marriage counselor and be neutral for the sake of having a relationship with the kids and your brother.

[JewelD]

There may be 2 sides to a story but there is one side that is dead wrong and it is not the one being faithful.

 

He moved back but still wants a divorce, I'm guessing the OW kicked him out and gave him a deadline to leave his wife. He's reluctant to do it because of guilt.

 

Obviously what he's doing is wrong, but he clearly knows that if he is experiencing guilt. If he was oblivious and didn't care or know about his wife's feelings, that'd be a different story, but he knows. How he chooses to handle it is his own decision and shouldn't be brought about by pressure from people outside the relationship. I mean, what's the best case scenario? Sister talks him into staying with wife, he does for a few months and then goes back to the OW.

[sophinla]

Thanks everyone! I asked my SIL and she said to not say anything at this moment and see if my brother will come aroound, they are thinking about MC. I will respect her wish.

 

Yes blood is thicker than water. I love my brother and I want him to do the right thing.

[harrybrown]

be supportive of your SIL, but what about her child?

 

You could talk to your brother and try to have him realize the mistake he is making.

 

It would be worth a try for the child.

[Jersey born raised]

LadyDesigner: AMEM !

 

My exWW sibs and mother (dad had died years ago) refused to enable the adultery. They where very concerned about me and consistently reached out to me. They did not disown her, but refused to allow any relationship between between them and OM. She did try to bring him to a family function, she was told she was welcomed and they wanted her there but not to come with him.

 

To futher clarify after the the shock wore off (about a month) they did not discuss the issue with her and refused to accept her attempts to justify her action, but still loved and cherished her.

 

I suggest you do the same.

[Jersey born raised]

I would also add if you are married you both are watching each other's reaction and follow though. Neither of you might realize this but it is occurring.

 

I know my ExBIL came to watch his wife like a hawk as a result of her attitude about his sister's adultery.

[GreyKitten87]

Well I never thought infidelity would happen in my family, but my sister in law just told me my brother has been cheating on her for a year, and have even moved out to live with the OW for a few months, leaving her and their young son behind. He moved back but still wants a divorce, I'm guessing the OW kicked him out and gave him a deadline to leave his wife. He's reluctant to do it because of guilt. These cheater dynamics are so similar.

 

What I need advice from the BWs here is, what can a sister in law do to help? Should I not meddle or should I talk to my brother?

 

That's a sticky situation to be in, but she decided to tell you which to me would mean that she wants you to meddle a bit or a least talk some sense into your brother (probably not likely to happen, but one could hope). If she didn't want you involved she wouldn't have told you.

 

It's all up to what you feel comfortable with. He's your brother, but it's THEIR relationship, hence you really have nothing to do with it. But she came to your for a reason so I think she is hoping for your help. However, in the end no one can expect you to solve anything for them or push him in the right direction, that's fully between them.

[SnowBaby]

I have a different perspective. I say don't get involved, because it will affect you relationship with your brother. What positive could come out of telling him that he is doing some thing wrong and that you don't approve of it. He knows that already, and it will only push him further away from his family creating an "us vs them" situation.

 

My husband cheated on his first wife. Not good,he should have just left her if he was so unhappy. He didn't cheat with me, I met him a few years after he was officially divorced.

 

He felt alienated by his family, and he now has no relationship with them over a decade later. There are always two sides to a story. For him it was that he was living in a nearly completely sexless marriage. It took a toll on his self esteem. He could have lived with that, knowing she had no libido. But she had an affair on him a year previous. He never told anyone.

 

As you know there are many dynamics to a marriage. I will say that the affairs ar devasting, and that I didn't know of this piece of history until after I married.

 

Statistics say that he will not end up with his affair partner. I would not alienate your brother, but on the same note I would definately not meet of get to know the homewrecker.

[beatcuff]

Yes blood is thicker than water. I love my brother and I want him to do the right thing.

 

thanks for this. i needed to see this to say:

 

fast forward 10 years, what will it be like? they D, they moved on and who will you still have contact with? yes YOUR BROTHER. you known him your entire life, you have BOTH made some boneheaded decisions. in the end (i assume by your statement above) you realized your love is strong enough to handle it.

 

my brother cheated on his wife, a wife that i had a good relationship with and my GF (now wife) was best friends with. oh and they had young twins. when it came out --- i had a discussion with HIM. i told him how stupid it was, asked are you certain you want out, then let it go (never spoke about it again). it is his life, his choice. they D, we saw his ex at various events from time to time but (obviously) saw him much more. add 20 years they both remarried and had new children.

 

i say all that to drive home in the end SHE will move on, your access will be limited or non-existent. but you will see him at birthday party's and holidays and other functions. therefore have a chat with your brother. the reason is for the A is immaterial. let him know your stance, that you will be there for him. then STAY OUT OF IT (a/k/a stop talking to the SIL): seriously how will you help. if they reconcile you win (not choosing sides) if they D you will still have a brother and happier family dynamics.

[smackie9]

I think your brother deserves to hear from you about how you and the rest of the family feels. But don't get involved with their process of their divorce, or whatever else, just stay out of it.

[anika99]

I have a different perspective. I say don't get involved, because it will affect you relationship with your brother. What positive could come out of telling him that he is doing some thing wrong and that you don't approve of it. He knows that already, and it will only push him further away from his family creating an "us vs them" situation.

 

My husband cheated on his first wife. Not good,he should have just left her if he was so unhappy. He didn't cheat with me, I met him a few years after he was officially divorced.

 

He felt alienated by his family, and he now has no relationship with them over a decade later. There are always two sides to a story. For him it was that he was living in a nearly completely sexless marriage. It took a toll on his self esteem. He could have lived with that, knowing she had no libido. But she had an affair on him a year previous. He never told anyone.

 

As you know there are many dynamics to a marriage. I will say that the affairs ar devasting, and that I didn't know of this piece of history until after I married.

 

Statistics say that he will not end up with his affair partner. I would not alienate your brother, but on the same note I would definately not meet of get to know the homewrecker.

 

I don't think anyone is saying the OP should get into a big fight with her brother or alienate him. If a sister can't have an open and honest heart to heart discussion with her brother then they must not be very close to begin with.

 

There have been painful discussions in my family where we were concerned about the choices another family member was making. Sometimes I was on the receiving end of those discussions when I was doing something stupid. But my family didn't alienate me, they didn't turn their back on me. They made it clear to me that they had concern for me. I suppose I could have gotten defensive and all offended and then alienated myself from them, which I did sometimes because I wanted to keep being stupid and not face reality. However, when I look back I'm glad my family loved me enough to be worried about me and to share their concerns with me honestly. I suppose they could have just smiled and pretended that there was nothing wrong but I'm not sure that would have been a loving thing to do.

 

I think that sometimes people get lost in the fantasy of their affair. They are carried away by this fated by the universe love and soulmate dream. They think their families will be so happy for them and the world will be a better place because of their great love. When they are asked to explain their thinking out loud to outsiders like friends and family, as opposed to just talking about it to their affair partner who is as caught up in the fairy tale as the WS is, or discussing it with the spouse who is the wicked witch of the fairy tale, then it starts to sound silly to the WS too. Talking to the AP just feeds their fantasy and during the affair nothing the spouse says can get through because he/she is viewed as the enemy.

[Fugu]

Blood is indeed thicker than water but blood doesn't give one immunity from criticism and even condemnation. I know that if I were to cheat on my wife, my family would do more than confront me about it; they would also lose respect for me, and they would make that absolutely clear. It's called having standards. I would pretty much feel the same way about my siblings. That doesn't mean you don't love them, but I would make my feelings known, and how I treat him / her afterward would probably be a little different, especially if I really liked the in-law. Married in-laws become part of the family, too. People develop relationships with in-laws and come to know and even love them as well. Why would I just accept someone's "choice" to throw part of a person's life away? Why would you?

[sophinla]

Just want to give an update. My brother moved into the OW 's house , yet again, he still has not serve my SIL divorce papers. His two children are very hurt, I can already see the damages are unrepairable. At some point my brother is going to wake up and start thinking with his upper head again, and he will blame himself and the OW big time for hurting his own children. Relationship s like this have so much baggage that they are almost doomed from the start.

 

And my brother told me something with the intention to show me that the OW is indeed a good woman that loves him. He said she told him, I can't stand that you go home everyday and lay next to your wife after what we've done. Here's a woman, that cheated with another woman's husband, and she cannot stand this man going home and lay next to his lawful faithful wife, and my brother actually think this is a virtue.

 

Why are men in affairs so stupid?

[JewelD]

Even if this OW didn't exist, he doesn't seem to be in love with his wife anymore. He shouldn't have cheated, but he also shouldn't stay in the marriage and pretend to be a happy family if he wants out.

 

Why doesn't your sister in law serve him divorce papers?? Is she expecting him to come back home eventually?

[preraph]

It depends on your relationship with him. He's probably going to avoid talking to anyone he knows will disapprove, so if he doesn't come to you and open up about it, not sure there's much you can do but avoid him right back to send a silent message. I would be kind to the SIL but I would also let her know that because he has not chosen to open up to you about it, it puts you in an awkward position being in the middle of it with her, but tell her if she needs something or it degenerates into abuse, to be sure and reach out.