I tried to save my mom, and I'm failing.

[JanenotPlain]

My mom was forced into early retirement last year. Basically they were going to lay her off anyway. Neither of my parents went to college. My dad's made an okay living, she really just earned enough to help out. She is mentally in no place to have a job right now. She can't even cook in the kitchen anymore, seriously. She breaks things or burns things or just does the weirdest odd things to food, her mind is pretty much gone. And my dad probably won't survive a stroke. You must have been in really good health otherwise when you had yours?

He is a heart attack waiting to happen. Has worked in construction for almost 50 years, just very very worn down and unhealthy. He gets winded going up a flight of stairs. He smokes, has smoked most of his life. I want to get him a life alert button for when he does have a heart attack or stroke. Today he didn't even have his phone next to him when he passed out, it was downstairs.

 

She filed for divorce. He is totally preoccupied with his own mess to care. He woke up from his booze nap and just called her to say he's going to rehab tomorrow. His brother is driving him. I'm sure that's a lie too. Maybe not. Even if he goes to rehab he won't stay. He's not strong enough.

 

Yep she's taken her anger out on me plenty of times. More times than I can count. Especially this past year. I know she never means it. The therapist said she has PTSD from his abuse. I think we all do.

 

They're going to be okay financially. My brother and I are helping her with rent and other bills right now. If he makes it through all of this, he will have to live a much much lower income lifestyle than he is used to. And that's really sad in itself....he's worked so hard his whole life, and basically threw it all away. She's been mourning the loss of that life too. They'll be okay financially but he needs to stop making all of these really bad decisions that are costing thousands and thousands of dollars. He needs to let us sell the house, and we can't do that when he's holed up in there drunk all day.

 

I'm a strong person, I've been through a lot.

Edited August 13, 2016 by JanenotPlain

[JanenotPlain]

I'll check out that book, thank you. Also thank you for prayers and your other advice.

 

He texted me today and said he went to the rehab place. I guess his brother did drive him. Let's see if he finished the full program...

 

I'm doing better. I do need to switch my focus back to my own life, my own happiness. I suppose I've done enough, by getting my mom out of the house, away from him.

[JanenotPlain]

He lost his job. He's still in rehab. They can't get his heart rate or blood pressure in check. I guess he also broke a few ribs and his collarbone falling down some stairs because he was drunk. My mom went to see him today, she says he looks like he's about to die. He has a court date tomorrow for his first arrest. I guess his lawyer can go for him, since he's in the hospital. I'm still so numb to everything, haven't really processed it yet.

[JanenotPlain]

I'll talk to her about staying away. I'm his favorite, not just saying that, it's the truth. Everyone in the family has been telling me all year, since I moved home, that "if anyone can get him to stop drinking it's you". So I know I need to stay away. I think it would kill him to see me, seeing him in this condition.

 

She should focus on making her life better....well for now they have a lot of business to sort out. She needs to get the house in order to sell it, I'm guiding her through that. She needs to figure out how to get both of them health insurance because his is ending in two weeks and he now needs surgery for the broken bones on top of the cost of rehab...in addition to both of their lists of prescriptions and health conditions since neither of them are healthy. She won't be able to figure that out either so I'm sure i'll end up enrolling them both into a plan.

 

She won't start a hobby, no. I don't think she will find peace until the divorce is final, the house is sold, and he is living somewhere else. Even then I'm sure it will be nearly impossible for her to relax or find a hobby. I've tried to convince her to talk to a therapist and she won't go. I've even forced her to go to a therapist a few times. I can't go with her all the time.

 

Do I realize how codependent she is? I'm the one, just little me, all by myself, who spent months- day in and day out- last year, arguing with her that she needed to move out! That she was spinning her wheels and sinking with him, trying to take care of him and sober him up, and walk on eggshells so not to set him off or make him angry. I was the one who dragged her to look at apartments, talk to lawyers, talk to therapists, go to al-anon. I was the one who spent days and days helping her sort out finances so she could see that yes she can leave him. She is the most stubborn person I know and she's fought me every single step of the way, and I'm exhausted. I got her this far.

 

This is pretty much as far as I can take her. She's out, she filed for divorce. Her leaving him caused him to hit rock bottom.

 

She left, his life spiraled out of control. A man who has never once been arrested in his entire life has been arrested twice in three months. A man who has never once been reprimanded at work let alone lost a job just lost his job. A man who felt like the ONLY thing that he could use to measure his success was his home and his job. He lost his job, and he's about to lose his home. A home that he built, personally built himself. His blood sweat and tears literally are all over that house. He's a broken old man sitting alone in a hospital room. And on top of all that he may go to jail.

 

Today she came home crying, because of how bad he looked. All I could think was- mom you don't look any better. You may as well be laying right next to him in the hospital.

Edited August 16, 2016 by JanenotPlain

[JanenotPlain]

Actually he's not asking for any help. He never really has asked me for anything. My mom is the one who needs all the help. From figuring out how to reset her passwords on her bank account to figuring out things on her phone to the big stuff like whether or not to go forward with painting the house and replastering the pool while he's in rehab...because he could get super pissed if she does it the wrong way. Or she needs help realizing that no, we can't hire lawyers to fight his company for firing him. They had absolutely every right to terminate him. Furthermore he is in no condition to even keep his job, he's holding onto his life by a thread and needs to focus on getting healthy. AND don't we already have enough legal issues to pay for that we can't afford at the moment?? His not one but TWO arrests and now the divorce? She's stopped fighting me about things like that....that's new. She used to argue with me, now I can just explain to her that she's not making any sense and she actually listens to me.

 

I've read a few books about codependency and adult children of alcoholics. I know that I shouldn't be taking on this role. But I also can't walk away. Not until things settle down. I told myself I'd give my parents one or two years of my effort. See I was always living far away, not dealing with any of this.

 

They say no one is able to get better until they hit rock bottom, I'd say he's there. My mom was the enabler. I knew I had to remove her from the picture or else she'd continue to enable. So in that sense, even though he hit rock bottom when she left, I think it was his best shot at realizing he needed to change. I've read all of these things and understand how it works...but it's much easier said than done. It's pretty difficult to stay away from my dad who could be dying in a hospital right now. I haven't seen him in months because he wouldn't see me.

[JanenotPlain]

I re-read what I wrote and realize how sad it is that my two parents and their mental issues are consuming my life. I'm actually doing okay at preserving my own life in spite of all this, but it's definitely taking a back seat. Every once in awhile she'll ask me a question about my life. My job, or my friends or something. I look at her and know that she feels guilty for dumping all of this on me. So she tries to make up for it by pretending to care about things in my life which to her aren't at all important. She tries to act like she thinks it's important but my mom is a terrible liar. And I know when she's faking it.

 

Actually that's what I think is most sad to me. That I give so, so, so much and get very little, usually nothing in return. I've never felt like there was space for me or my concerns in this family. I mean, how could there be space?! I've always felt like a burden. So, I think a lot of me taking on this role of trying to fix things is just a way to matter to them. Show them I have value.

 

One of my therapists told me I needed to make peace and let go of the fact that I'll never have the mother I wish I had. She's not able to nurture. Again that's one of those things that I understand, but easier said than done.

[JanenotPlain]

She IS just as sick as he is. She medicates with alcohol too. Also sugar. Which is driving me nuts since I'm trying to lose weight and over here, counting calories, working really hard in the gym 5-6x week...and she brings home chocolate pie, cupcakes, cookies. I kind of want to scream and throw her chocolate pie in the trash.

 

You are absolutely right about her looking for other people to blame. His job, the hospital, anyone. I guess the rehab program isn't covered under his insurance, he finished the three days of detox and is being discharged with broken bones. My mom wants to bring him here- because she thinks he can't take care of himself. I told her that was the worst possible place for him, we need to find another inpatient rehab that will accept his insurance. Then she says she'll just go back home with him to take care of him. I told her everything will fall apart again if she does that, he'll just go right back to drinking.

 

So she's making the hour drive to pick him up and I'm calling rehabs to see if they take his insurance. But these are 30 day programs and he loses this insurance in two weeks. And like I knew, she's also asking me to help enroll them both into a new insurance plan.

 

Thank you STB for the hug, I do really appreciate it.

 

He's probably lying to her about getting kicked out of the program right now. He probably just wants to come home and drink. That's what he did last time. This is f-ing crazy. I don't know if I can stick around for this circus much longer. I sort of regret getting involved but I couldn't sit back and watch them all drown without trying to help. That didn't feel right either. It's like there is no right answer.

[turnera]

A $200 cab ride. Wow. Look I know he needs to do this himself but if he needs a ride to a hospital I will take him. He's half dead. i'd never live with myself if I told him to take a taxi.

 

His brother has the right idea? His brother is ALSO a drunk. In fact that's probably why he bailed on driving him. He's probably laid up in bed, too drunk to drive too. His brother is a #$%tbag.

 

You are a classic enabler. Are you going to therapy? Are you going to Alanon? If not, you don't know what you should be doing.

 

Your father needs to do this himself. Every single thing you do for him KEEPS HIM from getting better. A cab ride is the least of their worries.

[turnera]

I re-read what I wrote and realize how sad it is that my two parents and their mental issues are consuming my life.

That's because you're not following the 'rules' of alcoholism. You're not doing what Alanon tells you to do to make it better. You're not fixing things, you're staying involved and giving them buoyancy to help them avoid the hard work ahead.

[JanenotPlain]

I've been to so much therapy in the past. I live in a smallish town and honestly can't get an appointment. I found one therapist but really didn't click with her. I've been to al-anon, didn't have a great experience. I know not all meetings are the same. But you know, this is what is so contradictory about advice from al-anon- you're telling me to stay out of my dad's mess, live my life. But at the same time, go to al-anon. Which to me is digging myself deeper into all of it.

 

You know if I were a statistic, if I followed the pattern of people who come from backgrounds like mine, my life would also be a mess. I'd not have accomplished all of the things I have, on my own. I don't need any crap from anyone who has no idea who I am, what I've been through, and what I've done with my life.

 

I'm so f-ing exhausted right now, trying to keep my family afloat and my own career moving forward, and maintaining a social life, and exercising to stay healthy in spite the sh%t storm I live in, the last, and I mean the absolute LAST thing I want to do with any free time is go sit somewhere and cry about my dad with a bunch of other people who are just as miserable.

 

A $200 cab ride is NOT the least of their worries, thanks. When finances are a struggle and we are pinching pennies to buy groceries and pay bills, and are faced with a mountain of bills in two households and my dad just lost his job- sorry did you even read my story??? christ.

Yes, every single dollar matters to my family right now. How fortunate to be a person who can disregard things like a $200 cab ride.

 

I'm not following the rules. How the F am I the enabler when I'm the one who took his enabler away? I'm the one who's lived 600 miles away for the past 4 years, and for years before that I was 3K miles away. He's been an alcoholic for an entire decade, Turnera. All of that time guess what I did?

 

Absolutely nothing to help him. I stayed far, far away. I lived my life. So now, yes I am doing something. I pulled the cord on his enabler, she left, his life fell apart, and I get to feel guilty for that.

 

His lawyer said the prosecution wants to send him to jail for 6 months. Three weeks ago is when he fell and broke ribs and his collarbone. He never bothered to go to a doctor. He actually was suicidal a week ago. He'd admitted that he was trying to drink himself to death. That's how his brother convinced him to go to detox.

Edited August 17, 2016 by JanenotPlain

[JanenotPlain]

And you know what- for any other recovering alcoholic who feels like they have ALL the g0$$amn answers to every single person's situation- good for you, man. Seriously, good for you. I'm so happy you were able to recover and now can sit around and preach at everyone else like you are some expert. I've known several addicts in my life- and guess the F%^& what- not a single one of them ever- and I mean EVER got better without the support and a whole lot of work from their family. Yes, it's your journey and you must do it on your own, but what about all the failed stories?? Huh?! What about all the alcoholics who die alone?

I know you know those stories, because I do. And that's probably what's going to happen to my dad.

 

So, thanks but no thanks. This is why I don't like al-anon. I can't stand this self righteous BS.

[JanenotPlain]

I do believe it's the right time for you to exit now.

 

You can see the sick cycle starting up all over again. Mom wants to help him...

 

If it were me and she stepped back in - I'd say "I'm leaving now, don't call me for help or support any further".

 

Your Mom HELPS him stay sick. Heck, it looks like she may have a problem of her own.

Yep she has a lot of issues. How can she not, she's been abused her entire life.

 

 

The insurance? The rehab? Let them figure it out! I've seen people never go to formal detox or rehab - but guess what? When they wanted to get sober they did it - they found the courage to do it!

 

Well I've been told by his therapist that he will never have a fighting chance at staying sober if he doesn't get into a 30 day program. My brother detoxed by himself at home, so I know too that people can do it without help. Can a 63 year old man who's been drinking heavy amounts of vodka for a decade and has blocked coronary arteries, chronic high blood pressure and has been a smoker for 45 years, who's then limping around with four broken ribs and a broken shoulder- can that man detox by himself?

 

You can't help him! He must help himself!

 

Just exit and wish him well - tell him you love him and hope he gets help.

 

AA meetings are free.

He's been going to AA meetings almost every day for nine months now. Clearly it takes more than AA to get someone sober.

 

Al anon is free for you. It's time you take care of you and Dad takes care of himself. Mom? Mom will likely meddle and screw it all up - because she thinks he can't live without her. I bet she doesn't divorce him either - be ready for that.

 

Let them do what they do - if you force your Mom to do it your way - she's just gonna start lying to YOU to see him and check up on what he's doing or not doing.

 

The family dynamics are crazy! You can't change that - but you can and should walk away before you get so angry you say or do something you regret.

 

 

How old is your Mom? She should be capable of working... Do you think her drinking affected her ability to be productive in earning money? Does she collect disability?

 

She's 62. She has no education. We live in a smaller location where it's hard enough for people who do have an education to find a job. She is overweight and has osteoarthritis in her hips so she can't stand for hours at a time, which means no customer service job. She was forced into retirement last year and started losing her mind thereafter. She has no self esteem or confidence to go on job interviews. I'd never be able to get her to put together a resume, that's something I'd also need to do. So sure, whenever I get a free moment I'll start writing her resume and cover letters and searching for jobs for her that she probably won't get anyways because no one hires seniors who have terrible computer skills.

 

Again, the contradictory advice about helping my mom get a job but then staying away and not helping them because that's causing the cycle to continue.

 

She collects a small retirement that will is enough to help pay for her mother's nursing home. I can't leave until at least my nana passes away, financially that's the only way any of this will work. That's what we agreed to- and that was BEFORE my dad lost his job. Things are going to be more difficult now.

[JanenotPlain]

 

He will do it when he's sick of himself.

 

Oh sure, or he'll die first.

 

Don't say that's not possible because you know it is. All I'm trying to do at this point is try to keep at least one of my parents alive until I turn 40.

[turnera]

I'm sorry you think I'm being self righteous. I recommended Alanon because it's supposed to help you UN-learn the role of enabler, and to get you to a point where you can disengage emotionally and learn new ways of dealing with them that will help all of you. What was wrong the time you did go? Was it the method or the people who were in that room? The people may not still be there.

[JanenotPlain]

Well for me Al-anon is all about the alcoholic. And I'm at a point where I am sick and tired of even spending time talking about the alcoholic or trying to understand alcoholism.

 

In the meetings I see that the codependents become just as reliant upon going to al-anon as the drinker is to going to AA. And that is no way to live my life. My parent's issues have been MY issues for far too long. I just posted in the other thread on this board, and relate perfectly to how Clep said it- that living in the past is draining.

 

So much of al-anon and therapy is absorbed in dealing with the alcoholic and our past. There's always this effort of talking about why we are the way we are, but never enough emphasis on moving forward.

 

I really have been to dozens of therapists. And I cannot explain how angry I get each time one of them interrupts me talking about myself, my current issues, today, in my life, to ask a bunch of questions about my parents and childhood. I am finished talking about my childhood! I get it! I get that they contributed to who I am and these issues now. I can identify every single way they've contributed to my issues now. How to move past that is what I'm interested in.

[Nowty V]

How to move past that is what I'm interested in.

 

I know you've been recommended books and other stuff, seeing your full thread shows I didn't quite grasp where you were at.

 

however, I would suggest the book 'What happy people Know' by Dan Baker Phd.

 

His philosophy is very much moving on with the now and building on the what's positive in what you have already.

 

it can be sourced on the well known auction site.

 

It is a very good book

[JanenotPlain]

I had a long talk last night with a friend of mine who's been through al-anon and is divorcing her alcoholic husband. She also recommended some of the books that Clep recommended in the other thread. And she told me that I need to just let them both go, my parents. They're too entrenched in all of it to change. I know that she's right.

 

So to do the opposite of what Ive been doing, is to let my mom go back into her codependent ways. Or Coda, as my friend calls it. "Your mom is a total coda!" she said.

So if my mom wants to move back in with my dad, just let her. I can stop helping her with the little things she asks me for. Which, they are little things, but there are like 15 little things every day it adds up to a big thing.

 

I can distance myself and be here but not really be here, if that makes sense. Not contribute, stop having opinions, prioritize myself and my life first. Whenever I do that she tells me I'm selfish. And that hurts. But I can learn to ignore it.

[turnera]

Not contribute, stop having opinions, prioritize myself and my life first. Whenever I do that she tells me I'm selfish. And that hurts. But I can learn to ignore it.

"Mom, as soon as you start going to therapy and Alanon, I'll start helping you again. Your choice."

[bathtub-row]

Not trying to sound callous but you're spinning your wheels trying to make your parents do what you want them to do. They are forever and tragically tied to one another -- you just don't want to see or accept this. You're trying to make them stay away from one another, from their twisted relationship, when that's all either of them has, aside from the children.

 

I'm not suggesting that you just turn away from them but you can only help those who want to be helped. If your mother wants to move back in with your dad, then you should stay out of it. She knows what she's getting into. There's nothing new in this relationship that neither of them has already experienced.

[JanenotPlain]

So he went back into a 30 day inpatient rehab. And it sounds like things are going really well- it's only been a few days. This program is actually encouraging my mom (and my brother and I) to visit and be supportive. She's visited him twice. They had a long talk one day and she says she was able to open up to him about things she's kept hidden for many years. She says he finally sounds like he's starting to get it, take responsibility, and understand the depth of his psychological disorder.

 

This program has highly trained staff, not like the place we took him nine months ago.

 

She says she is worried that he feels that if he gets better she will move back in with him, and she says that is never going to happen. Just too much pain, over too many years for her to come back. They are still going forward with the divorce. My friend is a realtor and we had her come to the house yesterday to talk about what work we need to do to sell it.

 

I know this isn't a guaranteed victory or anything. I know he may relapse and that is likely. I know there's still much work to be done for all of us. But it feels like things are getting better. It feels like progress.

 

Even if everything falls apart, I will be able to move forward and have a free conscience knowing that I tried and did everything I could to help.

 

Thanks to you all, for your support and advice.

[turnera]

OMG, that sounds like wonderful progress! I'm happy for all of you.

 

And I would suggest two things. First, make arrangements for your mom to be going to therapy on her own, for at least the next six months to a year. She's going to be suffering majorly for quite a while - guilt, remorse, self doubt, weakness, loneliness. She's going to need a safe professional place to talk it out and keep her on track (and less likely to go back for now). Second, help her stay resolved by informing everyone who needs to know what's going on and letting them both know that you have, so that all those other people can be the support network for both of them to keep up the good work and (hopefully) to go to these people when they need to talk things over or get strength. And, of course, also to be held accountable.

[JanenotPlain]

She's visited him because the counselors and staff at rehab told her it was a good idea.

 

I know she is a trigger for him, we all are. But he is doing well. Whatever is happening in his sessions at this place are working. He's been in outpatient rehab for two months and he hated that place because it wasn't staffed well, the staff were not well trained.

 

I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's been a really long year of dealing with this. And I know we're not there yet. But it feels like things are getting better.

 

You guys have to understand, he literally does not have anyone else in this world to count on for support. His dad died years ago and they had no relationship. He has a sister he hasn't seen in probably 25 years. He also hasn't seen his mother in that long. His twin brother is not reliable and that is his only person, outside of my mom, my brother, and myself.

 

He was heartbroken because we took the dog away, when we moved out. But he never took care of the dog to begin with. And we knew he was in no condition to be responsible for an animal. I'm thinking of getting him another dog when he moves home. He needs some companionship. Maybe a rescue dog.

[JanenotPlain]

OMG, that sounds like wonderful progress! I'm happy for all of you.

 

And I would suggest two things. First, make arrangements for your mom to be going to therapy on her own, for at least the next six months to a year. She's going to be suffering majorly for quite a while - guilt, remorse, self doubt, weakness, loneliness. She's going to need a safe professional place to talk it out and keep her on track (and less likely to go back for now). Second, help her stay resolved by informing everyone who needs to know what's going on and letting them both know that you have, so that all those other people can be the support network for both of them to keep up the good work and (hopefully) to go to these people when they need to talk things over or get strength. And, of course, also to be held accountable.

 

Thank you for this, and the support, and encouragement.

 

There really isn't a support network. My mom has her sister. That's about it.

 

Their mom is in a nursing home. When she's not dealing with my dad, she's dealing with her mom's health. Their dad passed away 20 years ago. She has family but no real friends, and no one else really to count on.

 

I've tried to get her to go to therapy. Believe me, I try. Any tips for convincing someone to go? I thought if I went to sessions with her, to get her comfortable with a therapist, she'd pick up on her own. But she won't go.

[turnera]

Does she do church? That's a decent other option for counseling. Or maybe you could go yourself and ask the IC how to reach your mom about it. I've learned more from my ICs on how to fix/help my husband than he ever would have learned if he went himself.

[JanenotPlain]

She doesn't go to church. We used to go to church and were very involved when I was little. My parents felt like people were gossipy and not supportive when they went through a separation because my dad cheated when I was 11 or 12. I also remember the priests asking me in confession why I'd missed mass on Sundays during that time. "Because my parents are selling our house and we have open house on Sundays" "That's not a good reason to miss church. You should walk here alone" is what the priest said to me.

 

 

So things are difficult again. My dad is almost out of rehab but is being a complete *******. She's visited his therapist there twice, and apparently the therapist wants to talk to my brother and I. He said he's willing to see us on a Saturday since we both work and can't get up to the facility during the week (it's an hour away). I don't know if I want to go or not. I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this is real. I'm really, really tired of living with this day in and day out. I've been carrying this around for a year. And I give up.

 

Tonight she got upset because, she wants me to move one of her couches into my bedroom, to make room in the living room for a desk so she can have a home office. So there is no room in my bedroom for a couch. There is no room at all in this tiny house for anything else that she keeps wanting to drag over here. I cannot for the life of me understand why she is so attached to material things. It seems like after all she's been through possessions or the tile in our kitchen should be the least thing that matters to her.

 

So she starts crying. These couches- which were purchased in 1995 I think- apparently mean a lot to her. I have no F%&*$ing idea why. They're covered in some burgundy material, don't match with anything, and are hideous. But that's beside the point. We currently have my couch, that I paid for, with my own money, years ago, and I moved it back down here last summer with the rest of my stuff. My couch is the one we sit on in the family room. I've told her, I am more than happy to sell this couch so she can bring in her two red couches. I honestly do not care, it's a damn couch. Then she says she doesn't want to do THAT because she doesn't want those couches to get worn and beat up if we actually sit on them.

 

So I'm like- look mom, I don't really know what to tell you. We don't have room for couches that won't be sat on. This is a tiny little condo, and it's already full of stuff. I'm happy to get rid of my couch, but you don't want us to use those couches to sit on. I ask why they are important to her, and she can't really explain. She'll say it's part of her dream, I suppose, to have this gaudy living room in a nice house. I'm sorry but she lived in that house with my dad for 16 years and her dream of a living room never took shape. I think it's time for her to make peace with those type of dreams. I simply want to have a peaceful evening without crying and anger and tears. That's all I want. Just to live in peace.

 

And I'm going on a date in about an hour. Things like this happen and it seriously affects my mood and I don't want to let that happen. does she realize how selfish it is to keep bringing me down all the time? I actually really like this guy too, and don't want things to go badly. Just needed to vent.