I tried to save my mom, and I'm failing.

[S2B]

There's really no reason to visit him anywhere until his behavior proves he's changing.

 

This is only for HIM to do. It takes a long while to invoke changes...and only he can do that for himself.

 

My suggestion is to move away from your Mom too. She's as toxic as he is.

 

You need to build your life. Go on living.

 

The Mastery of Love is a great book - by Don Miguel Ruiz. Also the Four Agreements by the same author.

 

Read up on some simple concepts that help with happiness and boundaries.

 

I think it may help you.

 

 

 

Your Mom is going to do what she does. You can't change her. You can only change yourself.

[JanenotPlain]

The symptoms from this family ailment is so prevalent. How sad that you do not see the part you continue to play. Calling your mom selfish for asking a favor?

 

Your mom is 're acting as are you. It's a typical dynamic instead of stepping back, accessing the request ...and either reasonably negotiating or simply and kindly saying..no.

 

I do encourage therapy for the family as a unit.

 

People who do cling to material items do so as a way to have stable control,because on the inside they genuinely feel helpless and powerless.

I'm sure you can relate to that frame of mind....

 

Stay in therapy..maybe discuss how this family recovery can be handled...you each deserve to work towards better days...one day and one loving effort at a time.

 

I said she's selfish because she continues to drag me into her misery. I've been living like this, in her misery, for an entire YEAR.

 

She's selfish because she wants all of us to drown into her pain. It's causing a huge wedge between her and her sister. She's upset because my aunt hasn't been calling her enough, doesn't seem concerned enough with what my mom is going through. Well, people can only support each other through so much. And my aunt has her own daily problems and struggles. My mom just thinks only her problems matter, only she feels pain from this entire situation. She doesn't care about my problems, my daily struggles, or anyone else's.

 

If I had space in my bedroom for her $%&ing couch then I'd gladly stuff it in there. But I don't. I tried to offer an alternative but she didn't like that either. I wish she could see how fortunate she is, that she has my brother and I here who are willing to be with her to support her though this difficult time. But she doesn't appreciate us. She's miserable. All the time miserable.

 

I actually did step back and considered her request reasonably. I did kindly say, no the couch won't fit in my room. I offered a reasonable alternative- to get rid of MY couch, which actually is a pretty generous offer on my part.

 

And that hurts me, a lot. Nothing I can do can make her feel better. She's so hypersensitive that the smallest statement can set her off on a crying or shouting meltdown. If I disagree with her about anything she loses it.

 

Clinging to a material item because on the inside she feels helpless and powerless. I have this to say in response to that- the times in my life when I've felt down, depressed, and helpless, I've had NO ONE and I mean NO ONE to turn to for the kind of support I'm giving her right now. I've always been alone, on my own. Whenever I'd call home, to talk to my mom for comfort, comfort was not what I found on the other end of the phone.

 

She'd be angry because I found myself in a problem. She'd tell me it was all my fault in the first place, and point to a decision I'd made in my life that was to blame for all of my problems. She'd yell at me. She'd not offer comfort, or sympathy, or constructive advice, or any advice. Not ever. I struggled with this for a long time. through therapy I learned to accept that I do not have the type of mother I need or yearn for. And she will never be that type of mother. I learned to let it go and mother myself the way I'd wished I was mothered by her. And then I stopped coming to her with my problems altogether. Because what's the point? If she doesn't offer sympathy or help, but only makes me feel worse every single time.

So when I see young adults talking to their parents about relationship struggles, or challenges at work, financial struggles, or anything else, I feel pangs of jealousy and bitterness. I've learned how to struggle though all of those things entirely on my own.

 

So to answer your question, NO I do not understand why someone would cling to an ugly couch that is nearly 30 years old and is essentially worthless. Why that couch would be more important than her own daughter is beside me. I am a physical person here in front of her, trying actively to make her life better. But what matters more is a couch.

Edited September 4, 2016 by JanenotPlain

[JanenotPlain]

There's really no reason to visit him anywhere until his behavior proves he's changing.

 

This is only for HIM to do. It takes a long while to invoke changes...and only he can do that for himself.

 

My suggestion is to move away from your Mom too. She's as toxic as he is.

 

You need to build your life. Go on living.

 

The Mastery of Love is a great book - by Don Miguel Ruiz. Also the Four Agreements by the same author.

 

Read up on some simple concepts that help with happiness and boundaries.

 

I think it may help you.

 

Your Mom is going to do what she does. You can't change her. You can only change yourself.

 

I have so many books to read

 

Thank you, I am trying to go on living, building my life.

 

I can't move out right now. When my grandma passes away we won't need to pay for her nursing home anymore, and that will be a huge relief for my mom and then I can move out. I don't think she'll live much longer. Maybe another year.

 

But I don't see myself lasting here much longer than another year anyway.

[JanenotPlain]

Apparently in therapy my dad has said that one of the things that is eating him up is how my brother and I are still living with our mom, and are unmarried, single.

 

He fails to see how his actions have contributed to this. How I've been working to build and all the time failing to have healthy romantic relationships of my own likely because of the horribly $%&ed up things I saw from my parents growing up. Or maybe how talking to me in vivid detail about being physically abused as a child, and the hardships he went though, and the fact that he was juvenile delinquent left me with this impression as a child that I cam e from a bad family and therefore was a bad person. And maybe that core belief has tainted my self esteem my entire life. Which has caused me to seek out men who don't treat me very well. Or the fact that my emotional needs were never met and ignored by both my parents made me into a closed off adult that has an extremely hard time being intimate with anyone. Maybe since my family has always treated my wants and needs like a chore, I've felt like a burden and therefore felt like no one else would ever want to deal with me and my burdensome wants and needs. And therefore I've pushed all the good men in my life far away. Where they can't hurt me.

[turnera]

Honestly, who cares what he thinks? Maybe the therapist will help him see that this is all a result of his actions.

[S2B]

When he starts to take FULL responsibility for how HE has participated - that is when you will understand that he may be getting better and intends to stay well and sober.

 

Until he OWNS his actions and has done action to set things right - there is NO reason to communicate with him - at all!

 

He has work to do. Give him the time and space to do it.

 

If everything isn't changing then he most likely isn't sober- change in every area of ones life is necessary for any person getting sober.

 

 

Your Mom is an extreme enabler. Don't help her enable. Who's she gonna blame if she can no longer blame him? Oh ya - she will blame you...simply because it's easier than her taking responsibility for how she has participated too.

 

Honestly, you need to get a plan to move. The toxic environment there isn't useful for any healthy person.

 

Find a job further away and move. You don't owe it to them to sit and watch on the sideline while they figure out THEIR future.

[JanenotPlain]

I've spent the past year building my current job and for the first time in my life, I really love my job. It's the one good thing I have going in my life. I should be getting a raise in a few months. As is, I made a promise to my mom to help her through this. She would have never left him if I hadn't offered my help. She can't pay the rent on her own. When my grandma passes away, we won't need to pay rent (we are "renting" her condo to pay for her nursing home and medical care). My grandma has been declining for years, has no quality of life, I don't think she will live much longer.

 

My dad has been out of rehab for less than 2 weeks and started drinking again.

I'm not surprised, I figured he would. I didn't really think he wanted to change or get better. What a waste of money that my parents don't have, however. She's backstepping on the divorce. She's also been driving him everywhere since he doesn't have a car or a license at the moment. His final court date is next month, not sure if he will go to jail or not.

 

He wanted to come visit us. She brought him over for dinner two times. That was awkward. He doesn't want to apologize or talk about anything that has happened, he thinks we don't care about his apologies. I think I said that to him years ago, one time when I was angry. That I was sick of him apologizing because it's always empty words. Don't do anything to be sorry about! Why is that so difficult.

 

Well he texted me congratulations about a small victory at my job, which, the only reason he knew about was because my mom told him about it. I was so exhausted that day I forgot to reply. And I guess today when he was drunk, he asked my mom why I didn't reply. And see that's the sort of thing that really gets me. Telling me- hey congrats- about something I've done in my life, is supposed to be about ME. But he always, always, always manages to make everything about HIM. I forgot to reply two days ago, I've been sick in bed all weekend because I'm running myself ragged. And he's upset because I didn't reply, and maybe that's what caused him to start drinking again.

 

I don't actually feel guilty about that. But maybe in a small small way, I do.

[S2B]

His drinking isn't caused by you... But hat you say or don't say and what you do and don't do.

 

Your Mom is the ultimate enabler.

 

You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor by moving - anywhere! This tangled mess isn't going to change.

 

Change is required by you. You want things to change - change things that make your daily life different than it is now.

 

 

Your Dad likely will always drink. Your Mom will likely always help him stay sick.

 

You need to help YOURSELF! They are NOT YOUR responsibility.

 

Adults should take care of self. You allowed yourself to get sucked in - now is a good time to get out knowing you gave it your best effort but they didn't want the help or to change things.