Crazy making behavior & walking away as an act of self love

[cupcake888]

Hi Everyone. Newbie here, raised by an NPD parent... all of us kids turned out well considering. We are all on the sensitive and empathetic side, but tend toward more anxious attachment styles and also people pleasers. I have mostly had healthy LTRs in my life, but about 25% of them have been unhealthy. I had a 2 yr stint with an emotionally abusive guy who was bipolar (although after reading up on it, he seemed more BPD to me) and after that ended, I felt well versed in red flags. I dated one or two pretty decent guys since that ended 5 years ago.

 

Flash forward to the present guy. I feel he is emotionally abusive but I am confused and trying to understand. He is so interesting, charming, funny, fun to be with, great chemistry. For the first few months I was getting that "this could be the one" feeling. We just clicked so well, it was crazy. Then, slowly the mask started to slip. He would go MIA randomly for days without so much as a 2-3 word text. I also saw he had profiles on other dating sites, to which he said "oops, I forgot" and took them down when i very nicely asked (this was after he initiated an exclusive dating conversation). With social media he insisted on having all of his profiles say he was single, and he wouldn't acknowledge me or interact with me at all (slightly silly, but still in the big picture it was a red flag) . He had lots of female friends and he would not talk about them, and would get defensive when I calmly asked. I should also note that when I Googled him (my girlfriends and I all do this with guys we meet online, it’s just as a safety measure) I discovered he spend a couple of years studying pick up artistry. HUGE red flag. When I asked him about this he said it was just a passing interest and that it was not really him at all, that he was embarrassed I saw that and that he was never trying to get women to sleep with him but only interested in the NLP stuff.

 

About 2 months in, the insults started. He would find these subtle ways to put me down. Many of them would be things I knew he was insecure about, so he would find the female equivalent and bring it up as a problem I had. Pointing out my “flaws” became a regular thing. Sometimes they were masked as a joke or so subtle it was like I didn’t even realize how mean it was until hours or days later. He created an insulting "pet name" for me and would call me it often even though he knew I didn't like it. He would compare me to models, etc... and give me tips on how I would be more attractive. I would try to talk to him about these things and let him know they hurt my feelings, and he would get super defensive, yell, and go into court case mode to point out the errors in my thinking and correct them. My response was that relationships are about understanding and compromise, that my feelings are valid, that I can own where I need to improve but I need him to show some empathy and understanding. He would deny having to do any of these things, tell me that I was needy, insecure and jealous, that he can’t “baby” me and that I need to work on this if I ever wanted to be happy with him or the next guy. Honestly I never needed anyone to baby me, just be present and understanding and talk things through. I am fine with compromise and really pick my battles. I’m honestly a very laid back girl and this seemed like crazy making behavior.

 

I was told I have a problem trusting people and I need to just trust him because he has never cheated on anyone. I admitted that I am more cautious to trust, as I have been cheated on in the past. I used to give a guy my full trust from the get go. Now it is something that is earned. Maybe this is messed up but I am just more cautious now. I am not paranoid and I didn’t blame/accuse him of anything, ever. But I did state that for me, trust is built through transparency. i.e. being able to ask about things, not purposely hiding your phone, etc… and that through that transparency trust is built over time. You don’t hide things if you have nothing to hide. His views were opposite. He felt that if I needed any transparency whatsoever, I was suspicious and insecure. He simply did not get this. When I explained he'd look at me like i was from another planet and insist he was right and I was wrong.

 

About 3 months in he went on a beach vacation. He invited me fully knowing I could not get the time off work. While there, his cell signal was not that great. He’d text me a couple of times per day but never called and never emailed even though the place has a business center with wifi. I never heard from him in the evenings, it was only mid day. He would alternate between syrupy sweet texts “you should be here with me” to really vague, distant ones. At one point he stopped texting me for a day and a half, claiming that his texts didn’t go through. I suppose that could have been the truth. When he returned he did not want me to pick him up at the airport. He thought it was cliché and didn’t want to inconvenience me. I told him I wanted to do this and was happy to. He asked if I have ever gotten a Christmas present I didn’t like but had to act like I liked it? I said yes. He said that’s how I feel about you picking me up at the airport. I told him that I just missed him and was excited to see him, so he reluctantly let me pick him up. We had a great evening and went to breakfast the next day. We were sitting next to each other and a text from “Mary” came up on his phone. I had no idea who that was. I told him that I knew we had talked about being exclusive, but did he feel the same way about vacation. I mean, some people have an addendum with that and I didn’t think he did but I felt it was worth it to communicate around that to make sure we were on the same page. He got super defensive and said why does this keep coming up, I cant fix this for you, you are choosing to be this way. I don’t cheat, period. After breakfast we went for a walk and he seemed to have cooled off. However later that weekend he randomly made a comment about how French girls are totally open to having affairs on vacation if they are married or in a relationship, and ironically the place he stayed at was mostly French people staying there. It just stuck me as odd.

 

At one point i asked if i could leave a shirt, face wash and soap at his house, he said no. He pointed out it was rude of me to ask, and that he should have been the one to offer first. He said that leaving things at each others houses is cliché, meaningless and stupid. I pointed out it's logical since I stay there a couple nights per week, as well as a way to show me he is welcoming me into his world. Again, brick wall in terms of understanding, and more telling me I have a problem and I am insecure if I need to leave a shirt at his house to feel secure. He explained that maybe if I can drop all of the clichéd expectations, eventually he might do things that are 1000 times more romantic and creative than having a drawer at his house or whatever.

 

Ironically enough I was at his house a week later and the sun was cascading through his window onto the couch pillow. Usually he kept the blinds drawn, so I wasn’t used to there being much light in the living room. I noticed about 20 long blonde hairs on the pillow. I am brunette. He has short hair. I let it go, not wanting to deal with the drama of fighting again. That weekend I spent waiting around for him while he was working overtime and too tired to watch a movie with me either night when he got home in the evening. I finally broke up with him, explaining that we just have different needs/expectations and I was sorry. He yelled, argued with me, and just couldn’t see how I felt devalued by his treatment of me. Again I was wrong and he was right. At the end of the conversation he said, “if you want to break up with me, that’s fine… but I love you. I didn’t want it to come out like this, but…” (before he had eluded to not being the one to say it first, and told me I could say it if I wanted and just let him know it was okay if he wasn’t ready…)

 

A week later he asked to reconnect to talk and see if we could work things out. I agreed thinking maybe finally he would be willing to talk on an equal level with me. He even texted that he was excited to see me. When I arrived at the coffeehouse, his energy was dark. I hugged him and could tell it wouldn’t be what I hoped. He immediately laid into me and again went over all of the ways in which I was wrong, flawed, insecure and jealous. He said he is not a jealous person and cannot tolerate jealous people. He said me wanting transparency was because I had a problem with jealousy. He gave me an ultimatum. Some of the things he said were so hurtful. There were 2 instances where I almost left the place in tears. I told him I didn't think my requests were unreasonable and I felt emotionally beat up. He said, "good. maybe you can work on this if not for me, for the next guy" and the look on his face for inflicting this was of deep satisfaction. At the end of the night he smugly proclaimed that he "should have been a therapist" (??) He then asked me if I'd see him over the weekend. at that point i was so drained, I just said ok and went home. I should also mention here that he had activated an online dating profile a day after I broke up with him. I only know this because one of my best friends is on the site and he liked her picture or something. He promised to take it down that night

 

The next day the magnitude of his behavior just sunk in. I realized this guy literally can't feel empathy, and he really thinks he is better than everyone else. I felt manipulated, tricked, controlled and dominated. I knew I just couldn't give it another go. That same day my same girlfriend on the site sent me a text saying "this guy is really starting to annoy me" with a screen shot of him online twice that day looking at her profile. So theres yet another red flag on the trust thing, and he'd see it as me being jealous and insecure and needy. No thanks.

 

I'm not proud of this, but I knew if I tried to talk to him I would get emotionally beat down again, so I just stopped communication. Ugh, yes, I was a "ghoster" and this is so out of my character, but at this point I just couldn't handle another verbal beating and was DONE. I blocked him from Facebook, my phone, etc... 24 hours later I saw a vm had come through to my blocked messages folder. He was eerily calm and just said, "why are you ghosting? I took my profile down. if you don't want to talk to me ever again that's fine but I hope that's not the case" so I unblocked him from my phone long enough to leave a text telling him that I could no longer be with someone who invalidated my feelings and who I felt emotionally beat me up by. I asked him not to contact me ever again. He is blocked from my phone again, so I don't think he will.

 

My question is, do you think I overreacted? Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? It felt like it to me, for sure. But I know he would think my accusations were crazy. Also when I read about emotional abuse it almost always says the guy will be jealous and possessive of the girl. He was neither. In fact he had a zero tolerance to jealousy and didn’t come off as jealous or possessive at all. He never checked up on me or really cared what I was doing. He never seemed to have a problem with the few platonic male friends that I had. He would bring up scenarios in which he could be jealous but chose not to as examples to point out how “out of control” my jealousy was. I don't need to pigeon hole him, but I'm just trying to make sense of the tornado that just came through my life. I am perfectly fine with owning my own crap in this whole mess too. I realize part of the lesson here is to trust my intuition and love myself more. I just am struggling to understand and put the pieces back together. it's confusing when you are in the thick of it. I’d also like to point out that there have only been 2 other times in my life where I was painted as a jealous person, and both times the guy was actually hiding something and deceiving me…most of my relationships this has not been an issue at all. I am trying to take an honest look at myself to see if I indeed do have a problem here, but I just don’t see this as being a pattern, it seems more like there were just tons of red flags that I noticed. Anyway I’d love your feedback/insight if you have any.

[basil67]

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you got another bad one.

 

No you didn't over react. And frankly, you gave him longer than you should have. When all his rude talk started at two months in, that should have been your exit cue.

[Nowty V]

^ ^ This ^ ^

[cupcake888]

Thank you both, I appreciate your replies. The post is very long, I know. It just poured out of me while writing last night and I think I would have gotten more responses if I had shortened it. Thank you for the reassurance and I guess the good news is the one other time I attracted a guy like this, it took me 2 years to figure it all out and leave whereas this time it only took 4 months.

[Floveet]

I'm french and I can tell you he's just the biggest ******* on Earth

 

Never heard of French girls cheating over vacation.

dafuq is that ? Like seriously ... French cheat as much as other people in the world.

 

It's not just educational. Gosh..

[mrs rubble]

Well done. No you haven't over reacted. He's a a piece of trash, you're way better off without him.

[cupcake888]

Thank you everyone for the replies, they really mean a lot to me. I am not sure why in the heck I ever doubted the rationality of my feelings, but I guess when there is so much manipulation, projection and crazy making behavior it can be confusing and bouncing it off everyone helps me feel super grounded.

 

Floveet- your response cracked me up, thank you for the laugh! You are so right, the French thing was probably one of the most idiotic observations I think I have ever heard

 

Mrs Rubble- thank you for your help. I think it's good to question ourselves and see all sides but I think I was doing that to a fault in this situation. No more, I have learned.

 

I really hope he can grow and learn how to be a decent person someday it's sad to me that some people are unable to connect with others emotionally and instead just feel rage. there's something broken, obviously