Definitely looking for love, but i feel i don't put any effort in it

[Moonwalker1982]

I am not entirely sure if this is the right subforum, please feel free to move it to the right one if not.

 

So i am almost 34, i still feel young...hell 34 IS young, but i feel like i am stuck in life when it comes to finding a nice lady to be with and you know, maybe eventually get into a serious relationship. I am not ashamed to say that it's been since February 2008 that i haven't been in a serious relationship anymore. I've tried dating...well barely, just a bit and when the particular lady wasn't interested or already seeing someone i just gave up for months and months.

 

But it's definitely something i miss and crave for more and more. The simple but oh so important things when you are seeing someone nice. Sitting on the couch together, cuddling, watching a movie, holding eachother. It feels like an eternity, actually kinda is, that i've done that. Last time i've done that was in 2007 and that relationship ended on February 2008th. I still loved her, hell i was fully in love with her but she had started to see me more as a brother or great friend. But i miss that stuff, being close to a woman. So naturally you'd think i'd do all i can to make this happen, but not at all. Oh in 2014 there was one time that i had befriended a girl and she had been giving me all kinds of signals, so one evening during a movie i put my arm around her but long story short...she was giving me false signals and thus false hope. All very unfortunete, but ah well.

 

Despite my brother constantly telling me i really should sign up with at least one dating site, i just don't do it. I also don't really go out a lot. I go out three or four times a day for my dog and i do groceries shopping of course. I am someone who really manages very well on his own, but that way i won't ever find a nice lady to be on my side. No friends anywhere close means no going out for me either. But i feel it's time to quit with that nonsense and put some actual effort into it. But where do i start? Thinking about how long it has been really lowers my self esteem, it really does and that in turn makes me just decide...nah....it's ok like this. I am not even necessarily looking for a serious full on relationship, just someone nice to be with and we'll see how it goes from there.

 

Any kind of advice will be greatly appreciated.

Edited August 3, 2016 by Moonwalker1982

[Gaeta]

You need a plan. Anything you wish to pursue in life you need to start with a plan.

 

You start by digging out or making nice pictures of yourself. Get the help and advice of your brother. Make a list of the things you enjoy, make a list of what you are looking for, then give a try to online dating. If at first it seems to intimidating to you then just put you are looking to date, not a full on relationship right away.

 

It starts with one step, then a second one, than you find yourself running away with it and having fun. It starts with taking a risk, and you know what? you'll wonder why you have not done that earlier. You'll have disappointments, you'll have some heart breaks, but at least you'll feel alive. Every person you'll met will teach you something about yourself.

[No_Go]

From experience it is hard to impossible to find someone without looking. You just don't meet people! (unless you start a new job, school etc but I assume you're not doing that).

 

If you don't actively look, you also put yourself in a situation to get stuck with the first available and interested person..

 

I'm personally pro-OLD, but if you really don't like it, at least sign for meetups,volunteering, classes or something else where you meet people. Else your only method left is to be the creep in the dog alley or grocery store ogling unaware women ....

[Moonwalker1982]

You need a plan. Anything you wish to pursue in life you need to start with a plan.

 

You start by digging out or making nice pictures of yourself. Get the help and advice of your brother. Make a list of the things you enjoy, make a list of what you are looking for, then give a try to online dating. If at first it seems to intimidating to you then just put you are looking to date, not a full on relationship right away.

 

It starts with one step, then a second one, than you find yourself running away with it and having fun. It starts with taking a risk, and you know what? you'll wonder why you have not done that earlier. You'll have disappointments, you'll have some heart breaks, but at least you'll feel alive. Every person you'll met will teach you something about yourself.

 

Good advice there. Thanks. What you say makes sense, there's absolutely no reason to not sign up to one of those sites and give it a try. It's something i also really don't understand about myself. By staying home and just doing the regular things (things i do enjoy though) i make the chance of finding a nice girl basically zero, or the odd chance that i meet someone while walking my dog....but....fat chance. What you say about every person i meet will teach me something about myself sounds good. It sounds like something new. You give me good reasons to finally give those sites a chance.

 

I don't even have to make my online profile all that complicated. I can make a short description of myself and say that i am interested in meeting new people and who knows, maybe i'll find the lady of my dreams. Something along those lines.

 

From experience it is hard to impossible to find someone without looking. You just don't meet people! (unless you start a new job, school etc but I assume you're not doing that).

 

If you don't actively look, you also put yourself in a situation to get stuck with the first available and interested person..

 

I'm personally pro-OLD, but if you really don't like it, at least sign for meetups,volunteering, classes or something else where you meet people. Else your only method left is to be the creep in the dog alley or grocery store ogling unaware women ....

 

Thanks for the reply. I am not sure what you mean with pro-OLD though?

 

Good advice on the rest. I can promise you one thing though, i'll never be the type of person to be a creep in any kind of alley. Never.

[normal person]

This whole post sounds like you've gotten very passive and complacent. That's sort of the enemy of success and progress, which requires you to be proactive.

 

Last time i've done that was in 2007 and that relationship ended on February 2008th. I still loved her, hell i was fully in love with her but she had started to see me more as a brother or great friend.

 

Why do you think she felt that way and why has it been so long since? Whatever attitude has kept you from getting back on the horse for 9 years (and likely the one that made your girlfriend see you as a friend rather than a partner), you need to vanquish it now and apply that killer instinct to every other aspect of your life. The uninvolved, static attitude will poison all chances of you succeeding. Start pushing yourself, be it at work, at the gym, socially, etc. You need to step out of your comfort zone and break the cycle of behavior that has lead you to where you are. You'll feel accomplished and your confidence will explode.

 

Despite my brother constantly telling me i really should sign up with at least one dating site, i just don't do it.

 

Why not? There is absolutely no reason not to sign up for all of them to optimize every possible opportunity.

 

I also don't really go out a lot.

 

Start. You can't meet women if you're not in their presence.

 

I am not even necessarily looking for a serious full on relationship, just someone nice to be with and we'll see how it goes from there.

 

Beggars can't be choosers. As of right now, you can't meet a women, period. You're in no position to be dictating the sort of relationship you'll have.

 

Congratulations on realizing you have a problem and wanting to change it. My suggestion is to optimize your life to optimize every opportunity you have. Get on every OLD ap and write a great, funny, original profile with great pictures (you can use the same profile text for each). If you aren't in great shape, get in it now. You aren't going to meet women walking your dog so start going out wherever the people your age socialize.

 

Be the absolute best version of yourself you can be, women will take notice. Best of luck.

[Moonwalker1982]

This whole post sounds like you've gotten very passive and complacent. That's sort of the enemy of success and progress, which requires you to be proactive.

 

 

 

Why do you think she felt that way and why has it been so long since? Whatever attitude has kept you from getting back on the horse for 9 years (and likely the one that made your girlfriend see you as a friend rather than a partner), you need to vanquish it now and apply that killer instinct to every other aspect of your life. The uninvolved, static attitude will poison all chances of you succeeding. Start pushing yourself, be it at work, at the gym, socially, etc. You need to step out of your comfort zone and break the cycle of behavior that has lead you to where you are. You'll feel accomplished and your confidence will explode.

 

 

 

Why not? There is absolutely no reason not to sign up for all of them to optimize every possible opportunity.

 

 

 

Start. You can't meet women if you're not in their presence.

 

 

 

Beggars can't be choosers. As of right now, you can't meet a women, period. You're in no position to be dictating the sort of relationship you'll have.

 

Congratulations on realizing you have a problem and wanting to change it. My suggestion is to optimize your life to optimize every opportunity you have. Get on every OLD ap and write a great, funny, original profile with great pictures (you can use the same profile text for each). If you aren't in great shape, get in it now. You aren't going to meet women walking your dog so start going out wherever the people your age socialize.

 

Be the absolute best version of yourself you can be, women will take notice. Best of luck.

 

I think you misunderstood me about my ex girlfriend, so let me explain. In 2007 things were still great, but around the end of that year things went downhill. I was the one who kept coming with new ideas, places to visit, things to do, have a great time and i was the one really showing my affection for her. The issue here was though that around the time of summer she received news that there was a apartment she could move into (living on her own for the first time because she had been living with her mom for all those years.) So...big changes for her in her life.

 

When this was happening i started to notice that she was becoming more distant. Whenever we'd watch TV or a movie and i would put my arm around her or you know..just show affection, she would clearly let me know she wasn't in the mood for it. After a while she offered that we'd take a break from eachother and see how it would go. After a week or two she came back to my house and said it was all good again, but it wasn't. Her need for affection and love was completely gone, while earlier in that year, it was great. We celebrated Christmas together but things just felt completely off and on Valentines Day in 2008 she broke up with me. She came to my house, told me i deserved the complete truth because i was amazing and lovely for her, but she didn't have those feelings anymore that she had when we first met and that she was starting to see me more like a great friend. She also said she had no idea why this was but also that she wasn't going to analyze her feelings.

 

Trust me, back in those days i was a different person. Different around women in general, much much more confident. I just wanted to let you know this, because i feel i wasn't the one to blame in it all. But at the same time neither is she, it's just life. She was my very first real love, real girlfriend, i was blind and thought it would all be OK again but it sadly wasn't. The year i met her was amazing, getting to know eachother, being completely in love, it was fantastic in every aspect you can imagine. Not a boring moment. But in this case it just didn't last.

 

As for why i haven't done a whole lot after that to find someone. All kinds of reasons really. Things i had not explained in my first post. For example i lost my job, had to move into a new house because my brother was moving in with his girlfriend, my beloved father passed away, i got into a depression and so on. Like i said, i did try it a few times. And in 2014 i thought i was doing well with one girl, but evrntually it turned out she was just stringing me along, giving me false hope instead of being honest.

 

I still have no idea what is meant with OLD though. Is that a website in the USA perhaps? I'm not from the US, so maybe that's why it's not ringing any bells here.

Edited August 3, 2016 by Moonwalker1982

[normal person]

Trust me, back in those days i was a different person. Different around women in general, much much more confident. I just wanted to let you know this, because i feel i wasn't the one to blame in it all. But at the same time neither is she, it's just life. She was my very first real love, real girlfriend, i was blind and thought it would all be OK again but it sadly wasn't. The year i met her was amazing, getting to know eachother, being completely in love, it was fantastic in every aspect you can imagine. Not a boring moment. But in this case it just didn't last.

 

I'm certainly not assigning blame, but I think if you were able to figure out how you got to where you are it might help get you out. Your guess is probably much better than mine. What I thought might be the culprit was your girlfriend getting a little tired of her lifestyle. You said when she got her own apartment she started acting differently, maybe she felt excited and liberated and seduced by other possibilities. That's my very uneducated guess.

 

As for why i haven't done a whole lot after that to find someone. All kinds of reasons really. Things i had not explained in my first post. For example i lost my job, had to move into a new house because my brother was moving in with his girlfriend, my beloved father passed away, i got into a depression and so on. Like i said, i did try it a few times. And in 2014 i thought i was doing well with one girl, but evrntually it turned out she was just stringing me along, giving me false hope instead of being honest.

 

Sorry to hear that. I assume you're doing better now as you've decided to take the first steps towards trying to get back out there, yeah? As I said, if I were you I'd be militant about optimizing every opportunity to make up for lost time. It's a big world out there with lots to offer. I think you should take an optimistic approach as you get to start fresh with a whole new chapter. If I were you, I'd be excited by the new possibilities; no time or patience to dwell on the past.

 

I still have no idea what is meant with OLD though. Is that a website in the USA perhaps? I'm not from the US, so maybe that's why it's not ringing any bells here.

 

"OLD" is just an acronym the forum uses for "online dating" (even though "online" is one word). I'd use every one of them if I were you. Match, OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, etc.

[Moonwalker1982]

I'm certainly not assigning blame, but I think if you were able to figure out how you got to where you are it might help get you out. Your guess is probably much better than mine. What I thought might be the culprit was your girlfriend getting a little tired of her lifestyle. You said when she got her own apartment she started acting differently, maybe she felt excited and liberated and seduced by other possibilities. That's my very uneducated guess.

 

 

 

Sorry to hear that. I assume you're doing better now as you've decided to take the first steps towards trying to get back out there, yeah? As I said, if I were you I'd be militant about optimizing every opportunity to make up for lost time. It's a big world out there with lots to offer. I think you should take an optimistic approach as you get to start fresh with a whole new chapter. If I were you, I'd be excited by the new possibilities; no time or patience to dwell on the past.

 

 

 

"OLD" is just an acronym the forum uses for "online dating" (even though "online" is one word). I'd use every one of them if I were you. Match, OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, etc.

 

At the time i really didn't understand it and when we decided to take a break and see how it would go i was very optimistic and positive that things would become like they used to, but my father was warning me that when a woman says she wants to take some time to think about things....just be ready for anything. He said it was best not to get my hopes up and just realize that it could anywhere. And he was right in the end.

 

When i met her she was still living in the same house as her mother and that way she wasn't completely free, not 100% on her own. Back then when she told me she was moving into a house of her own, i saw it as something positive. You know, more privacy for the two of us but this step in her life clearly changed a lot for her. It was quite odd how fast she transitioned from being extremely close to me, always being in the mood for something, to someone that simply had no interest in any affection anymore and becoming more and more distant. Ah....that's life i guess. No point in dwelling on that.

 

Yep. Things are going better for me now. Two months ago i received fantastic news that i had the option to move from my current house to a much better and barely more expensive house, so that was great. A great big unexpected change for sure. So right now i am quite busy with the new house, making it how i want it to be. The loss of my father, a person who i saw as my best friend and best dad ever is still bothering me and i have yet to truly accept it. The things he suffered from eventually isn't even something i would wish on my enemies, if i had real enemies that is. But all in due time.

 

Ok good to know that i now know what OLD means, haha. I can't be signing up to all of them because barely any of them these days seem to be free. But i will pick the ones that look the most genuine and serious to me.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

How many relationships have you been in by now OP? Number of girlfriends?

[Dark Horse]

You're afraid of being hurt again. Your mind regardless of if you realize it is trying to protect you from being hurt again because it knows that you can't take rejection too well. Or maybe it's because you feel like no girl could ever like you.

 

It's like a mental block and when it comes to women and dating, a mental block is your worst enemy.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I am not entirely sure if this is the right subforum, please feel free to move it to the right one if not.

 

So i am almost 34, i still feel young...hell 34 IS young, but i feel like i am stuck in life when it comes to finding a nice lady to be with and you know, maybe eventually get into a serious relationship. I am not ashamed to say that it's been since February 2008 that i haven't been in a serious relationship anymore. I've tried dating...well barely, just a bit and when the particular lady wasn't interested or already seeing someone i just gave up for months and months.

 

But it's definitely something i miss and crave for more and more. The simple but oh so important things when you are seeing someone nice. Sitting on the couch together, cuddling, watching a movie, holding eachother. It feels like an eternity, actually kinda is, that i've done that. Last time i've done that was in 2007 and that relationship ended on February 2008th. I still loved her, hell i was fully in love with her but she had started to see me more as a brother or great friend. But i miss that stuff, being close to a woman. So naturally you'd think i'd do all i can to make this happen, but not at all. Oh in 2014 there was one time that i had befriended a girl and she had been giving me all kinds of signals, so one evening during a movie i put my arm around her but long story short...she was giving me false signals and thus false hope. All very unfortunete, but ah well.

 

Despite my brother constantly telling me i really should sign up with at least one dating site, i just don't do it. I also don't really go out a lot. I go out three or four times a day for my dog and i do groceries shopping of course. I am someone who really manages very well on his own, but that way i won't ever find a nice lady to be on my side. No friends anywhere close means no going out for me either. But i feel it's time to quit with that nonsense and put some actual effort into it. But where do i start? Thinking about how long it has been really lowers my self esteem, it really does and that in turn makes me just decide...nah....it's ok like this. I am not even necessarily looking for a serious full on relationship, just someone nice to be with and we'll see how it goes from there.

 

Any kind of advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

The good thing is that at your age (depending on where you live), people don't really care anymore. People are wrapped up in their young families and/or making as much money as they can, so whether or not you've had a girlfriend in the past 8 years is probably not a concern of theirs.

 

So ... no need to feel emasculated. I would start with OLD. More than likely, it will be a blow to your ego as a guy, but you can at least start the process of going on dates, and it's very convenient.

[AMJ]

It sounds like you're not over your last relationship and are afraid of being hurt again. I think you need to be a little bit cautious with your expectations with online dating. Most guys get really frustrated when women don't respond to them online. I don't really think you're in a good place to handle that much rejection and don't want you to get even more discouraged than you are now.

 

I think setting up a profile on a dating site is fine, but don't put all of your hopes on that alone. You might do better by just getting out and socializing more, getting a new hobby, finding places to hang out solo that women go to- it doesn't have to be a bar. Take your dog to a dog park. Find a book club, play in a co-ed sports league, anything that you'd enjoy that is also social.

 

It's true some people have luck with online dating, but it can also be a huge waste of time. I think of online dating the same as trying to find a job on linkedin or monster.com. It can't hurt, but it may not give you positive results. I think having a strategy is good, but diversify your strategy. And don't be so hard on yourself. You've had a rocky couple of years and needed to retreat for awhile. It happens.

[Aurelian1960]

I really like the advice on this thread. I am getting back into dating after time away to recover from divorce and to fix my issues. Got a new job and looking to get some things done.

 

 

And Gaeta that photo of the cocker really stung me. I had one some years ago that resembled the dog in the photo. He had a hell of a story behind him!