3 months of constant begging and pleading and no contact seems impossible

[Kailey19]

My boyfriend broke up with me 3months ago after being together for a year and a half. Ever since I've been trying to talk to him and make things right between us. I begged and pleaded and did everything I wasn't supposed to do because I love this guy with all my heart and can't be without him. I told him multiple times that I was done with him and I'm moving on but everytime I end up texting or calling or answering him it got to the point where he doesn't even believe me when I say I'm done. I tried no contact several times but failed miserably because I want to talk to him and don't want him to forget about me and move on. The longest I've gone with no contact was a week. He always responds to me when I reach out though, and he tells me he loves me and cares for me and sees a future with me but he's not ready now and doesn't know when he'll be ready. I've had it with all the hurting. For the past weeks i haven't left my room or talked to anyone but him, I cry myself to sleep and it feels like I'm not even living.I have no close friends and I'm not close to my family, he was my everything and losing him makes me feel lost. I really need help starting no contact because I want him to miss me and reach out and fight for me. I really need help getting through this, I can't take this anymore I feel like I'm slowly dying. PLEASE HELP

[NIGHT1985]

I know the feeling. Me and my ex have been split since last July, but sort of tried to be friends and work things out until May, when she told me she met someone else. I've been begging, pleading, and harassing for the last 3 months. It's gotten me no where except extreme amounts of pain and regret. And it drove her to seriously hate me. So please give him his space, he may not ever come back, but do this for you. I'm scarred extremely bad for holding on so long

[mmmike]

My boyfriend broke up with me 3months ago after being together for a year and a half. Ever since I've been trying to talk to him and make things right between us. I begged and pleaded and did everything I wasn't supposed to do because I love this guy with all my heart and can't be without him. I told him multiple times that I was done with him and I'm moving on but everytime I end up texting or calling or answering him it got to the point where he doesn't even believe me when I say I'm done. I tried no contact several times but failed miserably because I want to talk to him and don't want him to forget about me and move on. The longest I've gone with no contact was a week. He always responds to me when I reach out though, and he tells me he loves me and cares for me and sees a future with me but he's not ready now and doesn't know when he'll be ready. I've had it with all the hurting. For the past weeks i haven't left my room or talked to anyone but him, I cry myself to sleep and it feels like I'm not even living.I have no close friends and I'm not close to my family, he was my everything and losing him makes me feel lost. I really need help starting no contact because I want him to miss me and reach out and fight for me. I really need help getting through this, I can't take this anymore I feel like I'm slowly dying. PLEASE HELP

 

"He tells me he loves me and cares for me and sees a future with me but he's not ready now and doesn't know when he'll be ready." You need to accept what he says. It's painful. It's horrible. It's sucks and feels like your heart is dying but you have to accept his word. If not you seem like some desperate lunatic and he will only resent you. I myself have been grieving a breakup for a year and it was hell and I am starting to feel a lot better and slowly be over it. I never begged... we still haven't gotten back together and we no longer speak but I have my self respect. Please, the pain is horrible I know... but if you REALLY love this person, let them experience what they want. Antyhing else is selfish because he already hs moved on. Feel better. We are all in this painful boat but it really does get better... eventually.

[SixxChick]

I really need help starting no contact because I want him to miss me and reach out and fight for me.PLEASE HELP

 

You start no contact to help YOU move on. I'm sorry, but if you expect it to make him miss you "and reach out and fight" for you, you are setting yourself up for a heap of heartbreak and disappointment. If he wanted to be with you now, he would. Trust his words, that's all you have left. It's a harsh reality but a lot of us have had to face it, move on, and try to put the pieces of our hearts back together. Stay strong and do this for your own healing.

[Mira222]

NO NO NO !!!

STOP IT NOW

trust me all that begging won't bring him back, it will puah him further away.

You're not defined by another person and your life shouldn't revolve around his existence. You know what's attractive? Dignity, strength and independence. Let it go. Do no contact for as long as it takes. Learn to rebuild your life and be your own hero. Guess what, he won't miss you till you get over him.

[Mrin]

My boyfriend broke up with me 3months ago after being together for a year and a half. Ever since I've been trying to talk to him and make things right between us. I begged and pleaded and did everything I wasn't supposed to do because I love this guy with all my heart and can't be without him. I told him multiple times that I was done with him and I'm moving on but everytime I end up texting or calling or answering him it got to the point where he doesn't even believe me when I say I'm done. I tried no contact several times but failed miserably because I want to talk to him and don't want him to forget about me and move on. The longest I've gone with no contact was a week. He always responds to me when I reach out though, and he tells me he loves me and cares for me and sees a future with me but he's not ready now and doesn't know when he'll be ready. I've had it with all the hurting. For the past weeks i haven't left my room or talked to anyone but him, I cry myself to sleep and it feels like I'm not even living.I have no close friends and I'm not close to my family, he was my everything and losing him makes me feel lost. I really need help starting no contact because I want him to miss me and reach out and fight for me. I really need help getting through this, I can't take this anymore I feel like I'm slowly dying. PLEASE HELP

 

1. First off, big time hugs to you. Your heart is clearly breaking.

 

2. Do you want to move on? You're not going to get him back. And if you do it will just be guilt on his part. You are not going to get him back. Not in the next 12 months at least.

 

3. So I ask again, do you want to move on or do you want to just continue to slowly die? If you just want to slowly die then go ahead and stop reading. Everything below is for someone who wants to heal and move on.

 

 

 

still with me?

 

you sure?

 

Ok, first thing you have to do is say this to yourself, "I am grateful for the time I spent with [my ex BF] and for the things we learned and experienced together. But he is a part of my past, not my present and not my future. I bid him a fond farewell and close this chapter in my life".

 

It won't mean anything to you when you say it the first time. Keep saying it. Okay, now I'm going to get all science-y on you. Read through it all. I think it should give you a road map to the future.

 

Your Brain: forget about your heart and your soul, they're not really part of what's going on. What is going on is exclusively in your brain. You see, when you have a thought or an idea your connect two or more synapses in your brain. Don't worry what they are - just think of them as little atoms. When you have a complex thought or idea you create a whole network of these synapses in your brain. This is called a network. Right now you have a very robust network called "your ex". It contains all of the thoughts and memories and feeling about your ex. The good and the bad. Everything. And next to it is this new network called "the breakup". It is all about the absence of your ex. It also contains all the white washed aspects of your ex network. Gone is the bad. Only present are the good thoughts and emotions about your ex. This network is your breakup. Okay, is that making sense?

 

And each time your think about your ex or your breakup you send electricity down those synaptic connections in those networks and light them up like Christmas trees. Each time you do that they take over a portion of your brain and because of the emotional content associated with them you pump out all sorts of juicy chemicals. Except these chemicals are the chemicals of loss. Sadness. Stress. They effect your entire body. You stop eating. Can't concentrate. Can't sleep. Those are all stress responses. You feel sick. You feel sad. You feel consumed. Sound about right?

 

Okay, so that's how your brain and body works. And here's the thing, take a look at what you wrote above. Look at all the bolded stuff. You are stuck in a loop. You keep firing those networks. Your ex. Your breakup. Over and over. And over and over. It is a vicious cycle. You're stuck.

 

SO HOW IN THE HELL DO I GET OVER THIS MRIN? Ok, now we are on to the good stuff. You can't just tell yourself to "stop thinking about him". I know you've done it. Didn't work right? Ya, well why would it? Your brain is going to sit there idle for a couple of seconds and then do what it normally does, think of him. Light up those networks and then the chemicals get created and you get sad and and it all starts over again.

 

Want to hear the good news? Still with me? Okay, here's the thing, you can't just not think about him. You have to distract your brain. And that's cool because the one thing your brain loves is novelty (learning). So here's what you do. You have to go out and do stuff. Not just any stuff. But new stuff. Lots and lots of new stuff. Exercise helps too. Not stuff to replace him. But rather stuff to distract your brain.

 

And you have to keep doing it. Read new books. Go to meet ups. Go see a play. Listen to a new band. Take up a new hobby. Travel! Anything that is new. You see your brain loves to learn, loves novelty. When your brain is experiencing novelty or learning it can't also light up those old networks. It is preoccupied. And the great thing is that the more you preoccupy your brain the less sturdy those old networks are. They diminish. They don't go away. And they don't need to be fired as much. They just sort of fade into the background. Still there, just not consuming.

 

And that's called moving on. But you have to want to do it. If not, well, you're going to be stuck in the same loop over and over.

 

Best of luck and I hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh dear.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It is obvious this has hurt you tremendously.

 

The most important thing right now is to listen to - and accept - what your ex is saying. He's not coming back, not at this point.

 

It is imperative you get yourself to a healthy place again. Relying on one person for happiness is never a good idea, as it leaves you at their mercy emotionally. Come here, vent, post as many times as you like. You need to start forging other connections in your life to help ease the pain of the breakup.