Naive Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 As some of you might know, I got married with my high school sweetheart which happens to also be my best-friend since we were 12. We got married in November of 2002 when we were19. We did it as a way to show the love we had for each other because we had just gotten back together from a 1 year break-up. We were in that lovey dovey stage so we did something stupid Like I said, we did it with the thought of proving that we love each other but never with the thought of moving in together or really living a married life. We will continue to live with our parents and to everyone we are not married. Stupid, I know!!! Now it's almost 3 years since we said I do and he promised me that by the time we turned 22 we would have a real wedding. I am about to turn 22 in a few months and obviously that wedding he promised me is not even near. I talked to him about today and he got so defensive. He honestly hurt my feelings. He said that we are already married and what do I want to get married for. He also said a lot of hurtful things and he is not that type of person. I don't know what to think. It's not that I want a huge wedding or that I even want to get married soon but I do want him to show me some type of sign that he does want to have a real wedding in the future. He used the excuse that he cannot marry me until I get better from agoraphobia but what the f*ck does he mean if he is already married, what is that going to change. He just used what I said against me and said, "why do you want to get married if we are already married" I know, this sounds straight from a soap I don't know what's wrong with him if he is not normally like this. He was mean and aggressive. That is not right. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 How bizarre. So you're each living with your parents, nobody knows you're married and you're both living this secret married life? Too weird. How can you keep such a secret from your family and friends? That being said, seems obvious to me he doesn't want to be officially "settled down" with you (?yet) and in his mind, the "secret marriage" isn't really a marriage ..I mean, how could it be? You're not living like husband and wife and nobody even knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl How bizarre. So you're each living with your parents, nobody knows you're married and you're both living this secret married life? Too weird. How can you keep such a secret from your family and friends? That being said, seems obvious to me he doesn't want to be officially "settled down" with you (?yet) and in his mind, the "secret marriage" isn't really a marriage ..I mean, how could it be? You're not living like husband and wife and nobody even knows. I am living on my own and he is still living with his parents. When we got married I was living with my dad and he was living with his parents. I just moved out on my own about 3 months ago. Only my cousins know that am married and my big sister. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 You're still pretty young though - what's the rush? I know he made the promise but maybe better not to stick to a timetable? Unless you feel like your relationship is going nowhere and you want to see others. In which case, you might want to consider an annulment. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 You're such a cute girl, if I were him, I'd marry you five times! This situation reminds me more of an engagement that should develop to a marriage. You have the paper, but you don't live together. Obviously the wedding itself is not what bothers him, but the commitment he made. I would say if things in the relationship are good overall, don't sweat it! You're still young and the "marriage" will come naturally. Just imagine that you're not married at all and wait for his "proposal" (to move in together). If that doesn't happen in a certain amount of time, you might suggest it or ask him for a divorce. Men are terribly scared of commitment and marriage. Instead of women being frightened of the frustrated-mom/cleaning-lady role that most take in a marriage, guys are afraid that they have to share their space, time, and money with their wives and kids. But let's just accept it as reality and give them time. Ultimatums didn't work in my case so I wouldn't recommend them. Probably a little encouragement would help though! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Don't put the time frame on it and see what comes, tell him that in the future you'd like to see a marriage come of this whole thing. If he saiys no, THEN bail. You'd have every right to then! Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Naive, I completely agree with you, a promise is a promise, but on the other hand you have to understand men don't see these things as a big deal. What you could do is tell him "ok since you don't want a wedding or get married the 'right way' we'll throw a party and anounce it to the famiy that we got married a week ago and wanted it to be a surprise". I think what's bothering you the most is that your own family doesn't know. If you do this and he agrees maybe your family will get together and 'throw' you a wedding or a ceromony. Just a suggestion, you have every right as HIS WIFE to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 So did you ever legally divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 A promise is easily made, but hard to keep. A wedding does not cost nothing - but tens of thousands of dollars, which you probably both don't have available. You need to be realistic on that point. It does not mean, that you should forget about the wedding altogether - but just need to set a different time-table. There may be added issues because of the secrecy. But you should work things out with your husband, as the secrecy can't last a life-time. It would drive you insane. And the longer it remains a secret, the harder it is to be open about it. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 If you are on your own now why isn't he living with you Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 he has known you 10+ years, been psuedo-married to you almost 3. I would drop him. easier said than done i know, but really....... love for a partner should not be this hard, painful, disappointing.... i mean it is a choice to put yourself through all this another 10+ years. and he is the one seemingly calling the shots...STILL! be a big girl, and show some self respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer You're such a cute girl, if I were him, I'd marry you five times! Awww, stop it you make me blush Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by Opium Naive, I completely agree with you, a promise is a promise, but on the other hand you have to understand men don't see these things as a big deal. What you could do is tell him "ok since you don't want a wedding or get married the 'right way' we'll throw a party and anounce it to the famiy that we got married a week ago and wanted it to be a surprise". I think what's bothering you the most is that your own family doesn't know. That sounds like a good idea, but I am sure he will not even want that. He just does not want to marry or to have people know that we are married. He says that his parents would be soooo mad if we married witout telling them Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by ~Naive~ That sounds like a good idea, but I am sure he will not even want that. He just does not want to marry or to have people know that we are married. He says that his parents would be soooo mad if we married witout telling them Um, easy answer. Find a real man. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by ~Naive~ That sounds like a good idea, but I am sure he will not even want that. He just does not want to marry or to have people know that we are married. He says that his parents would be soooo mad if we married witout telling them ask him why he acts soooo ashamed of you and yor marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by ~Naive~ But I am sure he will not even want that. He just does not want to marry or to have people know that we are married. He says that his parents would be soooo mad if we married witout telling them Marriage is a commitment you share with the world. Not hide from the world. Whatever the reasons you had for keeping it a secret in November 2002, don't necessarily apply right now. Given the fact that you are together for quite a bit of time, one has to wonder how long he intends to keep this a secret. I won't be as harsh in my suggestions as Tiki and laRubiaBonita, but I would question the relationship and its strength thoroughly. To find out if this really is what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez I won't be as harsh in my suggestions as Tiki and laRubiaBonita She likes it rough, don'tcha girl? It's the truth though, if he's ashamed of you, he's ashamed of you. It's like sh*t, you can paint it pink and put pretty polka-dots on it, but underneath, it's still sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by tiki She likes it rough, don'tcha girl? It's the truth though, if he's ashamed of you, he's ashamed of you. It's like sh*t, you can paint it pink and put pretty polka-dots on it, but underneath, it's still sh*t. ANd....if it Not the case, then he NEEDS to enlighten you, ~Naive~, on what the H@ll his MO is.....what are his intentions? it is a very fair question, since you are living on his terms. IMO~ he knows how to use and abuse your faults, weaknesses, and fears......and he is grossly doing so, and i know ~Naive~ would not stand for it, if it were not happening to her. ~Naive~ you are a smart beautiful woman, and you do not need this Crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Sorry that I am answering so slowly but I am actually working today Originally posted by tiki So did you ever legally divorce? No. Originally posted by d'Arthez A promise is easily made, but hard to keep. A wedding does not cost nothing - but tens of thousands of dollars, which you probably both don't have available. You need to be realistic on that point. It does not mean, that you should forget about the wedding altogether - but just need to set a different time-table. There may be added issues because of the secrecy. But you should work things out with your husband, as the secrecy can't last a life-time. It would drive you insane. And the longer it remains a secret, the harder it is to be open about it. See, the thing is like I told HIM, It does not have to be a BIG wedding it can be just us and our parents and sisters. It can be in a backyard or whereever. I don't expect anything fancy all that matters to me is that he shows the respect and love that comes before people's eyes with a wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by hotgurl If you are on your own now why isn't he living with you Because I want a real wedding with our family in it before we move in. For some reason I am good enough to move in with but not to marry He would move in in a heartbeat but not marry. Originally posted by laRubiaBonita he has known you 10+ years, been psuedo-married to you almost 3. I would drop him. easier said than done i know, but really....... love for a partner should not be this hard, painful, disappointing.... i mean it is a choice to put yourself through all this another 10+ years. and he is the one seemingly calling the shots...STILL! be a big girl, and show some self respect. Like I told him, I don't want to marry in 3 months or 6 or 9 or even a year from now but I want him to show some type of commitment. I don't expect a BIG rock on my finger but I do expect him to talk to my family and vice versa. It's so weird to have been together for so long and he acts like he still has to get to know me. The worst thing is that he uses my anxiety as an excuse to not marry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by tiki She likes it rough, don'tcha girl? It's the truth though, if he's ashamed of you, he's ashamed of you. It's like sh*t, you can paint it pink and put pretty polka-dots on it, but underneath, it's still sh*t. HEY BUT I LIKE PINK Originally posted by laRubiaBonita ANd....if it Not the case, then he NEEDS to enlighten you, ~Naive~, on what the H@ll his MO is.....what are his intentions? it is a very fair question, since you are living on his terms. IMO~ he knows how to use and abuse your faults, weaknesses, and fears......and he is grossly doing so, and i know ~Naive~ would not stand for it, if it were not happening to her. ~Naive~ you are a smart beautiful woman, and you do not need this Crap. Thanks Rubia. I am going to have a serious talk with him tonight and see what he tells me. I don't understand him but it's ashame to let this get in the way when he is so perfect with everything else Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 I didn't read all the replies, but my response: He doesn't want to be your husband even though he's already married. You may have a signed certificate, but you have no marriage and he doesn't want one. It may just be because he doesn't feel he's in a place to be the type of husband he wants to be and he doesn't want anyone to view him as a no-good husband. Or it might reflect his disinterest in the relationship. You should have a good talk with him. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 maybe the thought of having a big "do" has made him gun-shy? if that's the case, tell him y'all can reach a compromise -- you renew your vows before everyone and the two of you can plan the party to celebrate it. At this point, it would be a renewal of vows since you're legally already married. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Marriage is a commitment you share with the world. Not hide from the world Precisely. Why on earth did you even marry if you weren't going to tell anyone? To me, getting married is a proud announcement to the world that your will share your lives, not something hidden. He would move in in a heartbeat but not marry. But you're already married!!!!! The worst thing is that he uses my anxiety as an excuse to not marry. But you're already married!!!!! WTF??????? Have him move in. Have a housewarming party and tell everyone you eloped and it's your reception. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 naive....i would bet money that when you two talk....he will say what ever it is you want to hear. But he will manipulate what ever he says. so he may say ok, we will have a Real wedding, but lets save some first. 2+ years later....he has not saved a dime, and is still talking outta his butt. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts