My bf does not want to marry me again

[Iluvsiamese]

I think that the point here is that neither of you consider yourselves married. You want to get married, he doesn't. Period. I understand that it was one of those silly teenage whims, but you are still legally married and you need to address that--either make it formal with the families or quietly divorce or annul and move on. You are not being unreasonable to expect him to follow through before you allow him to move in. Once you allow this, you will never see a wedding and this secret will fester until there is an erruption. And the fact that he doesn't want anyone to know about this marriage is something to be very concerned about. He needs to explain why.

 

At this point, he is in control of the relationship. He has the ability to give you what you want or hold it out like a carrot. The fact that he uses your agoraphobia against you is a huge red flag. This is not acceptable. If you had a physical disability and he used it as a weapon against you to hurt and/or control you, would you accept it? This is not love in action. His behaviour shows a lack of maturity.

 

You have been with this guy a long time. Is it that you are comfortable with the pain that is familiar? It is not easy for anyone to step out of their comfort zone and even more so for you. He knows this and is using it.

 

I hate to say end it, but I don't think that this guy is going to give you the love and support that you need. Certainly not anytime soon. There are lots of others who will and there is plenty of time to go shopping.

[billybadass36]

What's your state and federal income tax filing status been this whole time? If it's been other than married filing jointly or married filing separately, you might have a problem with that, but I don't know a damn thing about tax law and don't really want to. You should check on that. Was there any other reason for marrying the guy like immigration or something like that? So bizarre. Sounds like the stunt Brittany Spears pulled not so long ago with her high school boyfriend in Vegas.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

 

I hate to say end it, but I don't think that this guy is going to give you the love and support that you need. Certainly not anytime soon. There are lots of others who will and there is plenty of time to go shopping.

 

 

Leaving him is not an option for me because when it comes to everything else he is the best man a woman can ask for. I love and I know he loves me but I guess this is a touchy subject for him. I am willing to compromise because I rather be with a man that does not want to marry but loves and respects me than with a man that is willing to marry ASAP but will cheat on me left and right.

[Iluvsiamese]

The behaviour that you have described from him makes me question his love and commitment. But since leaving him is not something that you would consider (at this point) my advice to you is not to "marry" him for at least 3 -5 years. Any man who wants to marry ASAP is a red flag. There was a very good article on abuse (not the physical kind) in O magazine last year. Men who rush you into marriage are often verbal/emotional/mental abusers. So I am not suggesting that you trade him in for someone who will move faster. My rule of thumb on marriage is a minimum of three years to really get to know this person. Anything sooner is risky. (like it's not risky at the best of tiimes, lol!) What I would suggest is that you have a look around and have some fun.

 

Also, you might want to take the advice of Billybadass36 wrt the tax thing. When I separated from my husband, he came and went constantly and since the house was in his name as well as mine and he posed no threat to us, I could not stop him from moving in and out. Even though we were legally separated and in the process of divorcing, because he was not living separate from me for at least 90 days, we were considered by the tax people as being married and had to file as such rather than separated. This was a real PO for me as I was not working at the time and was borrowing money from my family to keep the household going while he was working off and on, but contributing nothing. Since you are married but living separate it's hard to say what they consider that. Though it happened to a friend of mine who was also separated legally and her husband was living on the opposite coast--they were told that they were married as well and had to file as such. The basis for this was that the tax people said that they were having sex???!! How did they know that??!! Shades of Big Brother! Anyway, it would be a good thing to check out just in case. There's nothing quite like being audited. Imagine if it all came out that way--they would audit you, him and his family since he lives there. The secret marriage would be no secret! Very messy situation.