Strugglingone Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) I'm really struggling. Been separated for 3 years. My husband left me for a younger woman who he works with. I know he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better. He is an alcoholic who is about 90 days sober. I acted like a nut for too long after I found out he was cheating. I was totally blindsided, scared and incredibly hurt. I suppose I still am. I thought I was doing better, got into a great groove raising my kids alone. Well now that he's sober he is spending more time with the kids. He just got back from a trip with my 6 year old. I was genuinely happy that they got to spend time together. Then he showed up to drop him off, he wasn't in his vehicle, he must have been in hers. I was nervous and I just started talking asking where his vehicle was and so funny that he was driving a car I used to have and he got frustrated with me, he said the person who had his truck needed it to move and i asked if he was moving, said I hoped he wasn't moving farther from the kids. He got incredibly angry with me, started saying that I'm crazy. The whole thing left a horrible feeling in my gut. In trying to create normal conversation and my nerves I just couldn't stop talking and it hurts that he thinks I'm nuts. I honestly do not know how to deal with even these small interactions. I thought I was over the hump! I thought I was coping well! I thought I was over him!! I just don't know how to get through this! I'm still not good with watching him drive away. Ugh. I feel like I'll never be able to deal with him on a normal level, we were together for 14 years, 2 kids, separated for 3 years and still not divorced. I'm not sure why it hurts me so much that he calls me crazy. I feel lost and weak and that I'm not good enough all over again. How do I stop doing this to myself? Edited August 4, 2016 by Strugglingone Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Yes, it is very normal. It is very difficult to recover from being blindsided by a separation or divorce that you never wanted. You will always need to interact with him because you share children, but you need to set up the situation so you don't need to see him much. You need to develop a business-like relationship with him. Make an arrangement that any time he picks up or drops of the kids, he does not come inside the house, he waits on the porch. Make all of your children's arrangements with him via text or email. There is also family software available online that allows divorced parents to make plans regarding the children without seeing each other. Start to develop a tough shell regarding what he says to you. He calls you crazy, that doesn't mean he is correct. Consider the source, as they say. It will also help tremendously if you complete the divorce. It will give you a sense of finality and an opportunity to live your life the way you want. You are not crazy. You're normal. Move the divorce process along, and after the pain of that is over then you'll feel better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Read up on narcissism. You're not crazy. I've told my WS that if he ends up with his AP, that's the end of everything for us. I wouldn't be able to have him in my life at all. Not friends, not acquaintances, nothing because it would hurt too much seeing him love someone else. Maybe that's what you need to do. Communicate thru email about the kids only and have limited contact when he drops off the kids It must be so difficult. I'm sorry 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Well I think the first stage to getting over him is to DIVORCE him. You've been separated 3 years. The marriage is clearly over. Why are you still legally connected to him as husband and wife? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strugglingone Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 We are still married bc I ran out of money trying to divorce him and he was at the height of his alcoholism and couldn't get his **** together we then went through mediation but are stuck on house negotiations. So we both are back at our lawyers trying to work it out. His lawyer has apparently been out of town so as soon as he gets back I'm hoping my lawyer hears from his. I feel like he is the one that created all the mess, wants the divorce but isn't doing much to actually get us over the finish line. I just want to be free! He is off living his life with the woman he cheated with, barley paying attention to our kids, blaming me for not seeing them, when he moved far away and makes little effort to communicate with them. He doesn't want to be with me but won't help in finalizing the divorce. I just emailed my lawyer asking what my options are if he doesn't follow through. I feel so stuck, I feel awful for my kids and just trying to do my best, and he calls me crazy. I am crazy for giving him a million chances, that's for sure! I'm just emotionally exhausted from it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 I feel so stuck, I feel awful for my kids and just trying to do my best, and he calls me crazy. I am crazy for giving him a million chances, that's for sure! I'm just emotionally exhausted from it all. He's already beating you up - if you join in, it's two against one. Not fair . Anyone who's been through having their life turned upside down understands what you're going through. Sometimes feels like even the ground beneath you is shifting. Easier said than done but take it one day at a time. Set simple goals for each 24-hour period and focus on getting them done. Enjoy the little things - game night with the kids, a good movie or a coffee with friends. Get some exercise - the physical exhaustion will do you well and help you sleep. Believe it or not, this too will pass. Read the 180 in the pinned reading at the top of this forum, it's a solid path towards moving forward. And keep posting, lots of help and support here... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 How do I stop doing this to myself? While I would say that when it comes to these situations, there is no "normal," I understand what you're going through. I have been separated from my wife for almost two years, divorced for six months. She cheated. We share a daughter, but I haven't had a face-to-face conversation with my wife in over a year. Every interaction we have is via text message and e-mail. We only discuss matters regarding our daughter. When she is dropped off, I do not even go near the door, and have no desire to even engage her in any exchange that doesn't directly involve our daughter. This is the approach I would advise you to take. There are plenty of ways to make arrangements regarding child care and finalizing your divorce in such a way that you barely even have to see him. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to finalize the divorce and then establish a schedule and a communications routine that severely limits the contact you have to make with your ex. Then, start to rebuild and move on with your life. I wish you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 I just want to be free! Sorry but i don't believe that. It does not take 3 years to get a divorce, even if your spouse is totally uncooperative. If you want a divcorce you can get one. I'd suggest you go to your lawyer and tell him that you want this to be over within 6 months and ask what is required to make that happen, on the assumption that your husband will not lift a finger or sign any documents. If he says it's not possible then go find a more competent lawyer. I am crazy for giving him a million chances, that's for sure! Yes, precisely. You keep waiting for him to do the right thing. As soon as you accept that he never will, that is when you will free yourself from this self-imposed purgatory. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strugglingone Posted August 5, 2016 Author Share Posted August 5, 2016 Thank you everyone who is responding!! I am going to re-read all of your comments when my head spins to bring me back!! I completely agree that 3 years is way to long!! In the beginning I was sure he was going to come back home, held out hope and all that jazz, didn't want my family to end. Then I got serious but picked a terrible lawyer that was bleeding me dry and not producing. Then I tried to do it myself, which didn't get me very far. Then we went through mediation, went through a company called Wevorce and I'll never recommend them. Now $10g's later plus another retainer I have a great lawyer who is definitely on my side and willing to go to bat for me and is not nickle and diming me. I emailed her and asked what my options are if she doesn't hear from his lawyer by next Friday. This whole process needs to be over! I need it for my sanity and I figure he stalls bc he thinks that is less child support he will have to pay, which is not the case! Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 Thank you for the explanation. It's very understandable how trying different solutions can use up three years, they fly be so fast! It sounds like you're on the right track now, good lawyer, and motivation to follow through to completion. Keep posting to let us know how each step is going. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
careyon1 Posted August 7, 2016 Share Posted August 7, 2016 (edited) I feel your pain through your words. Just know that you are not crazy. The situation may be crazy, you emotions may be all over the place, but you are not crazy. It sounds like you are doing your best to end this marriage, but unfortunately you will never completely be able to end your relationship with him given you share 2 kids. I'm the product of divorce and can tell you the kids are also feeling your pain and the confusion of not having dad around. I pray that you are able to get free from these painful emotions. Edited September 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 My divorce was today and it only took me 11 months and that's with a medical condition which required surgery and recovery time, we actually prolonged it so I had the benefit of health ins. Three yrs is way too long to live in separation. Lots of folks here have given you many great suggestions, cut your ties and you can begin to heal. I myself don't want to interact with my ex anymore, that's just natural. Don't worry about what he does with his life unless it pertains to the well being of your children. Peace 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strugglingone Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) Ok, so far not a peep from my stbxh or his "lawyer", and my lawyer is now out of town until the 22nd. Does anyone know what my options are if he doesn't make effort? Can my lawyer get me divorced if the house we own together isn't negotiated? The house is all that is left to make a decision on. Edited August 14, 2016 by Strugglingone Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 t? Can my lawyer get me divorced if the house we own together isn't negotiated? The house is all that is left to make a decision on. Probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
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