Hot & Cold FWB

[Traptinmihead]

Hi all,

 

I've been hanging with a FWB for a little while now, but have hit a roadblock in my feelings about the situation.

 

I met this one girl on a secret group on Facebook a few months back that is used as a therapy tool for our own sexual experiences. We didn't talk much, but I ended up throwing a get together as not everyone knew each other in real life. She came through and I eventually asked her out a couple days later. We went out on a date and eventually came home with me and fooled around the next morning.

 

This became a pretty regular meetup for a few weeks where we go out and then come home to fool around. It was a pretty nice arrangement, but things came to an impasse a few weeks ago. She was having a long distance relationship come to visit her that she was ending it with. She was open and honest about the meeting and I told her to do her thing and we can get together once she resolves that. The one week visit from him wound up being a few days extra to both mine and her surprise, which in the end drained her for a bit. However, as time went on, I ended up having a seriously stressful string of situations that made me long for her company, but she ended up being a bit busy or unavailable to accommodate. This made me get into my head a bit more thinking she was disinterested.

 

It took almost 6 weeks, but we were finally able to get back together. We talked about things and how I honestly just missed her company. There was no jealousy involved with either of us (and no, im not lying to myself) and that we both had our own lives to deal with. We ate dinner then went home and played pretty much all night. However, its now been almost 2 weeks since then and those disinterest thoughts have come back again as she always seems busy nowadays.

 

I wish to approach her in the next couple days and talk to her about how I feel in a constructive way. I've come to realize that almost all the initiations for these encounters have been from me and it makes me feel that this is a bit one-sided. She matters to me, but without her hitting me up if she has free time to see me, I feel like I don't matter to her. I'm not jealous of her as I value my independence much like she does and we are open if any other people come in and out of our lives, but I just feel I need some clarification on what our boundaries in our situation stands. Does it seem selfish of me to express that feeling or should I just end the situation and move on?

[r321148]

It sounds like you aren't happy with things as they are so yes you should discuss it or end it.

 

What outcome do you want?

 

I guess one way of looking at it is: if you are considering ending it anyway but you'd rather continue then what do you have to lose by talking to her?

[Gloria25]

Alrighty then,

 

Are you sure you just want her as a FWB? Cuz just for sex is it worth all this effort?

 

I don't know. I'm sorta in a similar situation. I wanna reach out to speak with him cuz I enjoy him either way. The sex and chemistry is wow...and, I do wanna do things outside of the bedroom with him too (dinner, sleepovers, walking doggies).

 

Thing is, I won't open up to doing more with him till I get confirmation or notice from him that he wants the same. I mean, the other day I suggested moving in and I think he took it as a marriage proposal . Then, when I tried to clear the air, I think that he took it as a rejection (like he's not worthy of moving in with me).

 

Also, we have different views on communication that I think is based on how we view our relationship. Like I wouldn't care if I don't hear from him if we're just FWBs. But, if he tells me how much he "needs" to be with me, then I don't hear from him, of course I'm going to be upset. But he doesn't see it that way. I tried to bring this up and he said he didn't wanna establish a set schedule, but gosh darn, I can't meet you on the fly and I'm not gonna be the one initiating if you're the one with the important study schedule. ****sigh****

 

Yes, like your situation, I believe that I've tried to give him enough space. I've been flexible, but I think things would be smoother if we had convos about communication, what we want, etc....instead of just whatever and we both get upset when either of us does or say a particular thing.

 

I'm also trying to give him space cuz he's in a big transitional period too. I also suspect his ex is coming back into the picture. I don't know if we're over for good or he needs space.

 

For now, I just have said a quick "Hi". And, guess I'll do that until the dust has settled. I don't know what more to do cuz I don't want to pressure him, but I miss him too. And, I don't wanna spend whatever time we have left (I have a feeling that he's moving away) with us apart. I want us to enjoy each other's company. But with the stress he has and not sure what's going on with his ex, not sure if he's even feeling it.

 

So in both yours and mines situation? Giving space is cool, but sitting around for six weeks and not hearing from them is too much. Also, the "talk" needs to happen. Cuz if both people don't discuss the issues (if you don't call me, but say you need me, then what do you want?), then instead of us enjoying each other, it's gonna be headaches and heartaches. Silence is worst.

 

Mention this to her, that you can't sit around and wait. If you two can't speak - and 6 weeks goes by, then maybe you need to let her go. Even for FWB, 6 weeks w/o contact is too long.

 

I don't get why things are so difficult with dude. My last FWB, we spoke on email..once a week we check in, set a time/date and it goes wonderful...

[Traptinmihead]

It sounds like you aren't happy with things as they are so yes you should discuss it or end it.

 

What outcome do you want?

 

I guess one way of looking at it is: if you are considering ending it anyway but you'd rather continue then what do you have to lose by talking to her?

 

Yeah I wouldn't say im too happy with things right now, mostly because there isn't much mutual initiation and I can only be chasing for so long before I lose interest. I'm planning on talking to her about how I feel and for clarification, but want to approach it as constructively as possible. After that, I'll decide whether to continue or end it.

 

Ultimately, I just want to continue seeing her relatively regularly (at least every other week) with some more interest on her side. Would I commit to something more serious with her? Possibly (rare for me), but I also prefer my independence for the most part. It's conflicting for me.

[basil67]

It sounds to me like you're wanting the advantages of having a girlfriend (mutual reaching out, being there for each other) but you're unwilling to commit to having a girlfriend.

 

Thing is, if you only want a FWB, you will get a partner who sees you when it suits them. After all, isn't that why people do FWB? The no strings, no expectations thing.

[Traptinmihead]

Alrighty then,

 

Are you sure you just want her as a FWB? Cuz just for sex is it worth all this effort?

 

I don't know. I'm sorta in a similar situation. I wanna reach out to speak with him cuz I enjoy him either way. The sex and chemistry is wow...and, I do wanna do things outside of the bedroom with him too (dinner, sleepovers, walking doggies).

 

Thing is, I won't open up to doing more with him till I get confirmation or notice from him that he wants the same. I mean, the other day I suggested moving in and I think he took it as a marriage proposal . Then, when I tried to clear the air, I think that he took it as a rejection (like he's not worthy of moving in with me).

 

Also, we have different views on communication that I think is based on how we view our relationship. Like I wouldn't care if I don't hear from him if we're just FWBs. But, if he tells me how much he "needs" to be with me, then I don't hear from him, of course I'm going to be upset. But he doesn't see it that way. I tried to bring this up and he said he didn't wanna establish a set schedule, but gosh darn, I can't meet you on the fly and I'm not gonna be the one initiating if you're the one with the important study schedule. ****sigh****

 

Yes, like your situation, I believe that I've tried to give him enough space. I've been flexible, but I think things would be smoother if we had convos about communication, what we want, etc....instead of just whatever and we both get upset when either of us does or say a particular thing.

 

I'm also trying to give him space cuz he's in a big transitional period too. I also suspect his ex is coming back into the picture. I don't know if we're over for good or he needs space.

 

For now, I just have said a quick "Hi". And, guess I'll do that until the dust has settled. I don't know what more to do cuz I don't want to pressure him, but I miss him too. And, I don't wanna spend whatever time we have left (I have a feeling that he's moving away) with us apart. I want us to enjoy each other's company. But with the stress he has and not sure what's going on with his ex, not sure if he's even feeling it.

 

So in both yours and mines situation? Giving space is cool, but sitting around for six weeks and not hearing from them is too much. Also, the "talk" needs to happen. Cuz if both people don't discuss the issues (if you don't call me, but say you need me, then what do you want?), then instead of us enjoying each other, it's gonna be headaches and heartaches. Silence is worst.

 

Mention this to her, that you can't sit around and wait. If you two can't speak - and 6 weeks goes by, then maybe you need to let her go. Even for FWB, 6 weeks w/o contact is too long.

 

I don't get why things are so difficult with dude. My last FWB, we spoke on email..once a week we check in, set a time/date and it goes wonderful...

 

I'm sorry that's happening to you. It's funny because me and my FWB are casually dating as well, as in we go out to dinner or a club and then go home with each other. She is responsive to my texts, but as of late, its been a bit more difficult due to other commitments (she has a wedding this weekend), and can sometimes be a homebody. Before, she almost always said yes, but ever since the breakup, its been more difficult due to work stress and life stresses which I completely understand. And I mean, the last time we saw each other 2 weeks ago was possibly one of the best nights I've had with her and was very warm to me, so this up and down has been throwing be off.

 

I'll see if she is available to talk to me at the end of the weekend to let her know how I'm feeling as I do miss her, but I also don't want to think im desperate as im not (I text her once or twice every other week to see her availability). I think we just need to clarify the boundaries of our relationship so that it can continue without having so much doubt on my side.

[Traptinmihead]

It sounds to me like you're wanting the advantages of having a girlfriend (mutual reaching out, being there for each other) but you're unwilling to commit to having a girlfriend.

 

Thing is, if you only want a FWB, you will get a partner who sees you when it suits them. After all, isn't that why people do FWB? The no strings, no expectations thing.

 

I actually would commit to her, but I wouldn't mind a FWB either. I've had FWB before with no issues, but this one is different for me, which is why I'm trying to keep my feelings in check. I think she only wants the FWB right now though, so I have to keep that in mind and what I decide I want. Hence why the talk will eventually happen.

[Gloria25]

I actually would commit to her, but I wouldn't mind a FWB either. I've had FWB before with no issues, but this one is different for me, which is why I'm trying to keep my feelings in check. I think she only wants the FWB right now though, so I have to keep that in mind and what I decide I want. Hence why the talk will eventually happen.

 

That's how I feel about dude. I still have doubts if he and I would make it long-term cuz of stuff like our age gap, but if he wanted more than FWBs (even if it's just bf/gf), I'd be happy. Hence, why I put effort into seeing him, being patient.

 

I also thought he wanted to do more too, but eh, his words aren't matching his actions. I also think he lied about a guy friend coming to see him this week. I think it's his ex, but figured to stand back and see if he's going to resume things with her or close out unresolved issues.

 

But he's not responding. So, not sure if we're done, his "friend" is still in town or what. I don't expect him to respond this week cuz friend in town or not, we just had our fight Friday. But, I wish he would just talk with me - like you want to do with your FWB.

[Gloria25]

I think we just need to clarify the boundaries of our relationship so that it can continue without having so much doubt on my side.

 

And that's all I want from my dude....if you wanna be FWBs, don't tell me you need me, cuz it raises my expectations from you.

 

Lemme know if you got unresolved issues with your ex and/or are seeing other chicks - so when you're working your magic in the bedroom, I remember not to let it go to my head.

 

Lemme know that in your mind, if we say Saturday without a date/time, I shouldn't cancel other plans, cuz since we're FWBs, it's not a priority to pencil me in for Saturday.

 

If you wanna do more, then cool, that's fine. But if you still got ties with an ex and/or are seeing other women, I don't wanna sleep over, cook, dinners, etc. Let's just have sex, cuddle for a min and go back to our lives.

 

Hope you're able to hash it out with her...well wishes

[r321148]

I actually would commit to her, but I wouldn't mind a FWB either. I've had FWB before with no issues, but this one is different for me, which is why I'm trying to keep my feelings in check. I think she only wants the FWB right now though, so I have to keep that in mind and what I decide I want. Hence why the talk will eventually happen.

 

If you would commit to her then I suspect you may have stronger feelings than you're letting on and it sounds like your doing this because it's what she wants (or what you think she wants) and not necessarily what you want. I'm not exactly best placed to preach about this, but read my thread for how things turn out when you don't communicate your feelings!

You can try to keep your feelings in check all you like but at the end of the day you feel how you feel and no matter how deep you bury it it will get out eventually.

[Traptinmihead]

I have ultimately decided to stop contacting her. While it may seem a bit selfish, I have essentially grown tired of me initiating every time we hang out with her not offering any time free time of her own. If she reaches out to me, ill talk to her on my own terms, but I feel by the time she actually does, I will most likely have moved on from her. If she doesn't contact me, then I will be glad I came to this realization when I did. There's plenty of options out there for me and it no longer makes sense for me to try to express myself to someone who isn't putting in much effort. I'm over one way chasing.

[Gloria25]

I have ultimately decided to stop contacting her. While it may seem a bit selfish, I have essentially grown tired of me initiating every time we hang out with her not offering any time free time of her own. If she reaches out to me, ill talk to her on my own terms, but I feel by the time she actually does, I will most likely have moved on from her. If she doesn't contact me, then I will be glad I came to this realization when I did. There's plenty of options out there for me and it no longer makes sense for me to try to express myself to someone who isn't putting in much effort. I'm over one way chasing.

 

No, I don't think that you're being selfish. From what you've posted, you're the one doing all the work here and she needs to step up.

 

I hope that you find someone who appreciates you. I feel the same way about dude. I believe that I put more effort into us than he does.