Toxic Familial Situation Has Reemerged

[bodhitree17]

Long read, I apologize.

 

I grew up in a seemingly normal family, but it took me many years of therapy to realize that I was the designated "scapegoat", so that my parents would never have to face their own issues. I was always the one taking the blame, running off to therapy to try to "fix" things. It wasn't until I was out on my own that things (at least for me) improved. I began a successful higher education endeavor, have received honors and awards, and continue to strive toward my goals, and surpass even my own expectations with flying colors. I am married to a very involved, generous and caring man who, as it turns out, has his own issues (he can be a bit reactive and immature at times), but overall, he is a great husband and step-father to my twelve year old son. We've been together for five years.

 

I lived with my parents for a couple of years after having left my son's father. This is where a bad pattern was established. Despite the fact that I was his mother, I was constantly undermined by my parents. This started a pattern of degradation in my son's recognition of me as an authority figure. It also hurt our relationship, because I was seen by him as "the bad guy" who wouldn't let him have his way. My parents, meanwhile, pandered to him and gave him permissions that were against my wishes. After my son and I moved out when he was around five, the transition was painful for him, but it was only then that I felt things could have any possibility of improving. And they did, for a while, at least. I was also seeing a therapist (one I developed a business relationship with over the course of ten years. He advised me to keep my parents at arm's length, or the negative dynamic would continue.)

 

After meeting, marrying my husband and moving in with him, things with my parents seemed better. They were happy and supportive at first. I wanted to forgive them and move on with my life. I began to better myself exponentially and things with my son seemed on the up and up. However, my parents continued to meddle, and it took me a few years to see that they (maybe subconsciously) wanted the negative dynamic to continue. We recently took them on vacation with us for a week. While on vacation, they consistently undermined me and my husband with regard to our setting rules and boundaries for my son. I began to remember the previous struggles and destructive dynamic. It wasn't until we continued on to the last leg of our vacation (without my parents) that things improved and we maintained some semblance of peace.

 

Upon returning from our trip, we stopped by my parents' house to return some of their beach equipment. While there, my father offered to my son a Donald Trump hat (my son asserts that he is a big supporter). While I do not care for Trump, I have no problem with others having opinions that differ from my own. However, I knew that my husband would have a big problem with the hat, so I asked my father to please keep it, as I wanted to keep the peace. He insisted to me that it was fine, that my son could have it if he wanted it, etc, disregarding my judgment as he so often does. On our way home, my husband saw the hat and became visibly upset and angry, asserting that it was not allowed in the car, house, etc. I took the position of buffer at this point, and tried my best to come to an agreement we could all stand, but my husband really wouldn't back down. In the midst of the eruption, I became upset and raised my voice, wanting the whole thing to stop. My son, while very intelligent, does not yet understand the intricacies of politics, and I did not feel that anything would be accomplished via a heated debate in the car. My husband did not respond well, and things did not improve. I recognize that my husband was pretty much acting like a child at this point, which I was disgusted by.

 

Later, my son called my father and told him about the incident with the hat. My father then asserted to him that "he could wear the hat wherever and whenever we wanted", even whilst knowing the turmoil it caused. After hearing this, I tried to calmly confront the issue with my father on the phone, at which point he began to threaten me and my husband, saying that we were rotten parents and that he'd see to it that my ex get full custody of my son. (we'd been involved in on and off court battles for a past few years. Just a week ago, my father was insisting that I find a lawyer and take my ex back to court, saying he was a bad influence, etc, etc.) Suddenly, because I dared to stand up to my father, I was met with a threat, am called incompetent as a parent and person, etc. This reminded me of how things were growing up, and when I lived with my parents while my son was younger

.

 

I don't feel this is excusable. I may be able to forgive him in time, but I feel a deep, deep sense of betrayal and hurt. My mother wishes to stay out of it, but she has made it moreso about politics and freedom of speech than about the fact that the hat inflicted turmoil on my family. In response, and perhaps to rub it in, my mother posted a picture of her Trump hat on facebook immediately following the incident. It was like salt in the wound- not because of the f*cking hat, but because of the things my father had said to me. For me, the hat never held any power, and I did the best I could to diffuse the situation, though unsuccessfully. With the men in my life, such as my ex and my father, if I ever dare stand up for myself or disagree with them, I'm immediately coined as being "mentally unstable" or am threatened in an attempt to remove my sense of agency in any given situation. I refuse to be in this position anymore.

 

Am I wrong to have decided to keep my parents at a distance? My husband and I have also begun to research the prospect of moving out of state. I don't want to hurt my son, as he loves his grandparents dearly, and I would never ask that they stay out of his life. But is it wrong of me to have made the decision to keep them out of our family life for the time being?

I thought that with time, the negative patterns would dissolve, and I truly thought they had, but clearly, they have not. This dynamic is deeply ingrained, and has been going on since I was a child. I believe it is a way for my parents to divert blame and focus their issues onto me so that they don't have to face them. I feel I must protect myself and my family now. Any outsider input would be helpful. Thank you.

[preraph]

Nothing is easy about raising kids and you're right that you continue to be undermined by your parents with him. That's not right. You may never get a good relationship with him because of it. But you are his parent and need to act like it and move as far away as necessary to stop them interfering. Change your number, change his number and block it on his phone if necessary. I am not one who thinks grandparents have rights unless the parent is incompetent, and even then, my thinking is if the parent is incompetent, then they were raised by the grandparents, so the grandparents are who screwed them up, so why would anyone assume they'll do better on a grandchild.

 

It's your life, it's your family. But you have to be ready to lead at all costs to escape the situation.

[pteromom]

YOU have to be the one who is assertive in this situation.

 

"I'm sorry, son - and father - but he can't wear this hat at our house. He is welcome to keep it here and wear it when he is with you."

 

Then when you and your son are alone, explain to him why wearing the hat around his father (and other people who may have hateful responses to hats that feature political figures) just isn't appropriate.

 

You don't have to move away. You just have to work on creating boundaries. There are some things your son will have with your parents that are JUST THERE. They don't cross over into your home. Same thing with rules, food, etc. They can do whatever they want THERE, but in your home, YOU have say.

[pteromom]

Actually - I just read more closely... if he is threatening you with trying to make you lose custody of your child, yes, you should move away. Visit them on Christmas and otherwise, keep distance.

[turnera]

Lots of stuff going on.

 

First, start reading everything you can on boundaries and consequences. This is for your relationship with your husband. He uses unacceptable actions against you and if you don't stop it now, it will get worse and worse. A boundary is what behavior YOU won't tolerate. You calmly explain to him that you don't deserve to have ABC done to you, and to protect yourself, here is the consequence you're going to enact. Easy example: "I won't allow myself to be yelled at. If you yell at me, I'm going to leave the room/car/house and give myself time away from you. I'll come back later and see if we can have this discussion without yelling."

 

Of course, then you have to actually LEAVE if he does it again. This requires NO action on his part. He is free to choose to yell. He'll just do it without you in the room. Make sense?

 

The more you do this, the stronger and more in control you will feel, and it will cause him to have to respect you more. He'll have no choice because YOU will be respecting you more.

 

Takes a lot of work, but it will definitely make your life better. And it will model better behavior for your son so that he doesn't grow up just like your H.

 

For your parents, read the book Codependent No More. It will teach you how to emotionally distance yourself from them so that what they do won't matter as much. Another good book is The Dance Of Anger. And also start looking for ways to erect boundaries and consequences wrt them as well. The bottom line is you DO have to start learning to be stronger, standing up to people.

 

For your son, since he's being brainwashed by your parents, it's really important for you to learn all you can about Authoritative Parenting. It's the preferred way to raise a child, especially a teenager, because it removes the emotion from the equation and replaces it with logic. And you can't argue logic. If he starts believing - as all teens do - that he knows more than you, or your parents are right and you're wrong, or he doesn't have to do what you say since you've been belittled by your parents, if you have set up authoritative parenting as your guideline, he won't likely get out of control. It's basically just like the boundaries and consequences described above, but with a kid, you will have to enact consequences on HIM, not yourself. Like 'if you make a C or lower on your report card, you won't have access to the X-Box until the next report card comes out (assuming you bring your grade up).' Stuff like that. You set the rules up in advance, you explain what the consequences will be if HE chooses to ignore the rules, and then if he goes and breaks the rule, you calmly enact the consequence. And if he gripes, you just shrug and say 'I gave you the rules and the consequences; you then chose to do it anyway; you have nobody to blame but yourself' and walk away. Soon enough, he's going to learn to make the smart choices. And it keeps you from getting down into the mud with him about this isn't fair or you said ABC or Billy doesn't have to do this. So it maintains your relationship and his respect for you.

[Whoknew30]

This story is conflicting...your parents may be over bearing but evidently they did help you raise your son...probably at a time when you needed help the most? Now you having your own family is great & cutting the cord but your husband is that mad over a hat & telling a child he that truly isn't his, he can't wear a hat that a man that helped raise him, gave to him? Am I reading this correctly?

 

Sounds like you also married a overbearing man. To behave that way to a kid over a hat is worse than your parents. They're both just as bad, you have traded over beating parents to a overbearing husband. If you took your parents help, you put yourself in that position as an adult to be treated like a child. You don't like the way your parents are, you don't live with them as an adult. So it's ok for them to help you but only on your terms? You put them in a parental position with your son, if I'm helping raise my grandchild, I'll feel I could say what I want...is it wrong or right, you're in my house receiving my help...is what it

 

You're husband wants to move so he can be the one in control. Sounds like YOU need to take control vs pretending you're a victim of these circumstances. Tell your parents it's enough & tell your husband he's being just as bad as them. Control of one's situation isn't given to you, you have to be a willing participant.

[bodhitree17]

Thank you for all of your thoughtful responses/advice. I actually left my ex, my son's dad, due to abuse, drug abuse, etc. I was in self preservation more and also wanted to protect my young child. WhoKnew: going to stay with my parents was only for the purpose of a place to live, not for help raising him. Both of my parents were working, as was I, so I had him in daycare, preschool, etc. I didn't ask for financial help with him, and his father was out of work for a long time , so I took responsibility for everything. If I could have done it differently, I would have...as I recognize that this is where my parents began overstepping their bounds with regard to my son. We've been out of their home for 6+ years now, though, and despite trying to calmly address the same patterns with them, such discussions are never well received.

 

I was advised to keep a distance from my F, for at least a while, and when things have been calm for a while, to try and reestablish boundaries. If im again met with hostility and threats, I will have no choice but to go NC.

 

Like I said, it wasn't about the hat for me. The hat was merely a catalyst. While on vacation, similar things went on with regard to bed time, tech usage, food, etc. I'm not a victim unless I render myself powerless...and while thesituation absolutely has worn me out emotionally, I am not just giving up. I'll take everyone's advice into account while i figure this out. Thanks.

[anika99]

This is a story that has three sides but we are only getting to hear it from one person's perspective. You lived with your parents for two years and during that time they fell in love with your son and started to see themselves as having a role in his life. That just happens on its own. When you get emotionally invested with a child you just naturally want what is best for the kid and unfortunately people tend to think they know what is best.

 

I don't think this was about the hat for anybody. People lash out when they feel hurt, when they feel a loss of control, when they feel disrespected. I think both your parents and your husband likely have some very deep feelings around this whole situation and their feelings are probably valid while their actions are not. Both your father and your husband acted very childish in turning a stupid hat into a power struggle.

 

I think some boundaries do have to be established not just for your parents but also for your husband. Your son is at an age where he can have his own opinions and start making some of his own decisions so long as his choices are not a threat to his overall safety. Your husband's refusal to even allow him to keep that hat in his bedroom was wrong and if he usually acts like a dictator where your son is concerned then your son is going to rebel against that in a big way and then you're really going to have problems.

 

As someone else said, of all the people involved you are the only actual parent of your son and so you have to assert yourself as a parent. Running away for the sole purpose of taking your son away from his grandparents is not the answer and it's not mature. Give everyone a cooling of period, then try to establish some ground rules and boundaries with your parents and your husband.