Ultimate disrespect and ingratitude

[Diana1120]

So just some background. I am a physician. I just started practice with a relatively young medical group 2 years ago. I do inpatient medicine, and I earn a fairly good living because of our group model (low overhead, lots of autonomy, etc.). I was made the group scheduler after one year because I have experience with this type of admin role. I'm also working at the hospital where I did my residency, so I get to work with my friends and colleagues who I've known for a long time. My husband works in IT as a consultant for a major movie studio. I'll be blunt. I earn about 3 times what he makes, and I've been shouldering the burden of most of our expenses. When we met several years ago, I was a resident and he was working and attending business school. We both were poor, and earning about the same amount. But he has not excelled since graduation from business school the way I have since finishing residency. I always knew this might be the case, and I never held it against him or pressured him. I always told him to pursue what he enjoyed, learn from his roles, and pressure for higher salary when the time was right. But I've started to feel now that he takes me for granted. When he's pissed or when I'm venting about something stressful at work, he often barks at me that I shouldn't have become a doctor, and that he wishes I had a traditional job like his friend's wives. Today, he announced that we wouldn't ever be able to afford a house in the LA area (we have a condo his parents purchased years ago), and that we would have to move to redondo (where he grew up) or way out in the valley. I explained to him that a 90min -2 hour commute was not reasonable given the nature of my job. I said we would just have to find something closer someday, maybe when the market shifts a bit, and accept that it may be smaller or need renovation. At that point, he flipped out and told me that I would just have to quit my job, accept that my "fancy" hospital isn't the be all end all, and find work at a small community hospital outside LA. I got very angry at that point and told him he had no right to make that demand and try to dictate my career like that. He blew up and said that just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I'm entitled to anything, and he actually said "you're an idiot. You know nothing about finances, real estate, business...stick to medicine because that's all you know anything about." I was shocked. He can be petulant and nasty when he's mad, but he's never called me an idiot before. He then went on to say "you've never saved anything. You just spend money." In reality, I'm paying off my student loans very aggressively, I hardly ever shop, and I've actually managed to save quite a bit of money since I've been in true practice. I have insisted on taking a few nice vacations, but that includes both of us and I pay for 80%. Most of the money I've spent "shopping" has been on impromptu gifts for him. Unless it's a special occasion, he never buys me gifts "just because." He has managed to squirrel away quite a bit of money, over the years, but mainly because before we married his mother and step-father paid for a lot of things for him. Quite frankly, I think he's acting like a spoiled brat. He threatens divorce whenever I refuse to give him his way, but it's all just posturing. Even at work, his latest feedback from his bosses was "you are perceived as an inflexible hard ass, and you need to learn to soften your approach when working with people." Ironic, huh?

Edited August 4, 2016 by Diana1120

[Satu]

The way he behaved towards you here is emotionally abusive and inexcusable.

 

If I were in your position I would not continue in the relationship.

 

ymmv.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

Look through this list and see of any of it applies.

 

 

Bear mind that even one positive indicates a major problem.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

 

Take care.

[CarrieT]

I have to concur with Satu... I'm not sure I would stay in a relationship with someone who treated me the way you are being treated.

[DKT3]

He treats you poorly, and if he were posting I would tell him so...but its you posting so let's look at your part of it.

 

First you readily point out that you are the bread winner, that you afford him the opportunity to follow his dreams, that you pay for the majority of things. You don't see an issue there?

 

It can be emasculating for many men to have their wives be higher earners, which it seems to be for him. The way you told the story I get the feeling you have no problem rubbing his nose in that fact.

 

This could explain his anger and building resentment.

[BettyDraper]

He treats you poorly, and if he were posting I would tell him so...but its you posting so let's look at your part of it.

 

First you readily point out that you are the bread winner, that you afford him the opportunity to follow his dreams, that you pay for the majority of things. You don't see an issue there?

 

It can be emasculating for many men to have their wives be higher earners, which it seems to be for him. The way you told the story I get the feeling you have no problem rubbing his nose in that fact.

 

This could explain his anger and building resentment.

 

Why are you blaming the OP for her husband's emotional abuse? Feeling emasculated is no excuse to treat a wife poorly.

It's not her fault that her husband cannot handle a successful woman.

 

OP, you would do well to leave your husband and find a doctor or a lawyer to be with. That way, there will be no feelings of insecurity about how well you have done. It's very common for men to be intimidated by women who are more successful than they are. Your husband doesn't have the right to be awful to you because he's insecure. He sounds like he lacks maturity and ambition if he is fine with his parents spoiling him.

Edited August 4, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Mr. Lucky]

It can be emasculating for many men to have their wives be higher earners, which it seems to be for him. The way you told the story I get the feeling you have no problem rubbing his nose in that fact.

 

This could explain his anger and building resentment.

 

Have to agree with this assessment of both the concept and manner it was conveyed. Diana1120, there's a thin line between pride and hubris.

 

When combined with your husband's unjustifiably poor treatment of you, a volatile combination. Counseling would open lines of communication and help address the issues in your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burnt]

He treats you poorly, and if he were posting I would tell him so...but its you posting so let's look at your part of it.

 

First you readily point out that you are the bread winner, that you afford him the opportunity to follow his dreams, that you pay for the majority of things. You don't see an issue there?

 

It can be emasculating for many men to have their wives be higher earners, which it seems to be for him. The way you told the story I get the feeling you have no problem rubbing his nose in that fact.

 

This could explain his anger and building resentment.

 

As I was reading OP's post, those were my exact thoughts.

 

When a man snaps out with comments like "you are an idiot", something tells me that he has been feeling "less than a man" for a long time but has been suppressing it. What is now coming out is the exploded version of feeling humiliated and degraded over a long period of time.

 

It is very easy to just take OP's side and label her husband's behavior as abusive. And yes, what he is doing/saying is abusive indeed, but it is FAR more productive to try to understand WHY he is behaving this way, because then OP can perhaps learn something about herself.

 

The wife is holding a significantly higher status job, significantly (three times more) salary, significantly has been excelling professionally, significantly acting as the main PROVIDER of the family. How do you think the husband feels in a culture/society where we are used to thinking that the man is usually supposed to have a higher status/earning/intelligence.

 

Please don't turn this into a debate about gender equity, societal stereotyping, etc etc. This is about how OP's husband is probably feeling--EMASCULATED.

 

Chances are whether he is at work or at home or at social gathering, his wife is viewed as the "smart genius doctor" "financial guru" highly respectable, highly reliable, highly looked up to, while the husband is just a little incompetent impotent lazy idiot relatively less educated, DEPENDENT, living on the wife's income. People call the wife as "Dr. so & so" while people call the husband as "Mr. so & so".

 

OP, I am not really sure what the solution is to your problem. Maybe separating is the best option. But before you go for that option, please see a marriage counselor and try to understand how DEFEATED your husband might be feeling.

 

We all need to feel WORTHY. Something in your post is telling me that he is not feeling worthy, but instead is feeling demoted and is feeling in defense mode being compared to you all the time.

[Tiger Lily]

I agree that counseling may be helpful. If he won't participate in marriage counseling, then consider individual counseling.

 

Marriage is all about compromise. It seems like you both need to learn about being on the same page in life, in finances, in real estate goals, in career goals. If you feel he is asking you to compromise your career, can you see that you are asking him to compromise his real estate goals?

 

As a more minor point, have you read the "Five Love Languages"? You both might read that and see that you speak different languages. Your possibly not speaking to each other's hearts effectively to know you care about the other. You buy him gifts, but what he really may need is something else from you. And maybe he is trying to show you he cares in one way, but it's not being received by you because you "speak a different love language".

 

I also recommend making a budget together so that you both can agree on where the money is being spent at the beginning of the month. It takes a lot of discipline, but I think couples feel empowered when they work on the same team on the goals you have set. I think Dave Ramsey has a good plan.

 

Regarding leaving the marriage (as mentioned in previous posts) you may be justified in taking a breather, but please don't throw in the towel! You made vows, and those vows were meant to hold you together when the times are tough. I would NOT consider divorce without at least trying counseling first. Divorce has many long-term consequences.

[SevenCity]

He treats you poorly, and if he were posting I would tell him so...but its you posting so let's look at your part of it.

 

First you readily point out that you are the bread winner, that you afford him the opportunity to follow his dreams, that you pay for the majority of things. You don't see an issue there?

 

It can be emasculating for many men to have their wives be higher earners, which it seems to be for him. The way you told the story I get the feeling you have no problem rubbing his nose in that fact.

 

This could explain his anger and building resentment.

 

This is exactly what I got from the post as well.

 

I dont agree with the way he's reacting but you seem very proud of yourself and very disappointed in him (ie: "the burden of 80% of the bills).

 

Op, just a bit of info for you. In a marriage it's not what you or he earns, it's what you BOTH earn.

 

I would take a look at yourself first. Then see if you can get counceling with him.

 

Divorce is an option but it sounds like you are going to be paying some serious palimony (welcome to our world!).

 

Seems like the best thing to do would be try to work it out.

[Diana1120]

This is exactly what I got from the post as well.

 

I dont agree with the way he's reacting but you seem very proud of yourself and very disappointed in him (ie: "the burden of 80% of the bills).

 

Op, just a bit of info for you. In a marriage it's not what you or he earns, it's what you BOTH earn.

 

I would take a look at yourself first. Then see if you can get counceling with him.

 

Divorce is an option but it sounds like you are going to be paying some serious palimony (welcome to our world!).

 

Seems like the best thing to do would be try to work it out.

 

 

Well, he may think I'm an "idiot," but I drew up a prenup before we got married. No palimony.

[Mr. Lucky]

I drew up a prenup before we got married.

 

Why ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ontos]

I'm getting a vibe that you may be playing the "Dr Card" a bit heavy. I have buddies that do this, there is a certain amount of ego that goes along with all the hard work, studying, etc that it takes to be a Dr. But what a turn off.

 

As the breadwinner it takes much more class to be humble and appreciative of your spouse who doesn't earn the same bucks that you do, and appreciate that they contribute to the household in many valuable ways.

 

I'd suggest you try and ground yourself and make peace. Make your spouse feel appreciated in their contributions - I'd bet the farm that this eradicates any ugly behavior on his part.

 

If after being appreciative and humble he still behaves like an ass, then it is time to take steps.

[DKT3]

Well, he may think I'm an "idiot," but I drew up a prenup before we got married. No palimony.

 

Maybe check the California laws, those documents carry very little weight in the state.

[DKT3]

Why ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She seems awfully interested in money....making me think maybe eyes on equal earner..

[standtall]

Look through this list and see of any of it applies.

 

 

Bear mind that even one positive indicates a major problem.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Good grief...this covers about 85% of the population since it is so large and so vague. Life isn't full of puppies and hugs..

[Try]

My husband works in IT as a consultant for a major movie studio. I'll be blunt. I earn about 3 times what he makes, and I've been shouldering the burden of most of our expenses.

But he has not excelled since graduation from business school the way I have since finishing residency.

The gap between what my wife makes and what I make is an even greater multiple than your gap, but with me making far more money than her. Despite this, I have never in our long marriage made statements such as "I've been shouldering the burden of most of our expenses" (even though I pay most expenses) and she "has not excelled since graduation" "the way I have". such words have never come out of my mouth because I do not think that way. The fact that you do could be part of the problem.

[standtall]

OP, just your title "disrespect and ingratitude" is kinda ...egotistical....What exactly is he supposed to be grateful for?

[Try]

Look through this list and see of any of it applies.

 

 

Bear mind that even one positive indicates a major problem.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

Did you really just say that "even one positive indicates a major problem"? Sure the list for the most part is a good one, but when used the way you are using it, it becomes a weapon instead of a tool. The irony is that if someone uses this list the way that you suggest where "even one positive indicates a major problem", they could easily find themselves guilty of item #6 on the list "correct or chastise you for your behavior", item #12 "They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings", and item #17 "The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests", and thus become the abuser.

[BluEyeL]

I think some are being a bit unfair here. I believe OP had to describe the financial and career imbalance for us to understand what's going on. The fact that some men make 10X more than the wives and they don't have these issues is not relevant because this type of imbalance usually doesn't bring behavior problems in wives. Maybe she's a little too proud? Maybe, I don't know. Disrespect is a good word to use the behavior of someone who calls you idiot. Ingratitude is a good word to describe being taken for granted.

 

Is she rubbing it in his face? I am not in their house, but I don't think so, specifically. And even if she did it, from the way I read it, her mere existence and her coming from, going to, and talking about her job is equivalent to rubbing it in his face. He'd rather she doesn't talk about her job and lower her status by moving to a less prestigious place, specifically for the benefit of his ego.

 

Yes, like someone said, going on a social outing, she'll be "Dr." and he'll be "Mr." and he can't take it, he'd like for that to stop because it brings him pain. That's rubbing it in his face, every day, him being married to her. And that's not her fault, it's his insecurity. When people treat us badly, like he is treating you, OP, it tells a lot about themselves and not much about you. You can't make them react in any way, that's the classic excuse of the abuser. You "did something to make him do it". 'You made me do it" by doing....whatever. Don't buy into that nonsense.

 

You two simply evolved in different directions and he can't deal with it. I don't think you are compatible anymore. Not because he's making less or is having a less prestigious career than you, but because he's insecure about it and the way he deals with it is to treat you bad and put you down. And yes, because you are not interested in giving up on your life work to make him feel better about himself. You have a part in that. You are hard headed and you cling to your career. Which you should. You make sacrifices only for those whom you can trust and know have your back.

 

I don't know if you can break up now, just from a few put downs, it usually takes a while until people can leave (unless they're really strong people), but it would save you a whole lot of years to just let go and find someone either with a better career than yours, or someone secure, who can deal with you being Dr. and him being Mr. It can be done.

 

I was in an extremely similar situation a few years ago, and I wish I left much earlier. I never rubbed it in his face, on the contrary, I spent years trying to prop his ego day in and day out. It's exhausting. Yes, it didn't help. It's pointless. I wish I left at least 10 years before I did. No matter what I was saying to him, according to him, couldn't wipe off the fact that he was seeing himself as Mr. BlueEyeL every time we were in public.

 

In the end, once I finally got it through mu thick skull that it can't be saved, I went on to finally find someone who is compatible. You can do that too. Should do it earlier than I did (I was over 40). Good luck!

Edited August 5, 2016 by BluEyeL

[Try]

OP, just your title "disrespect and ingratitude" is kinda ...egotistical....What exactly is he supposed to be grateful for?

Actually the OP's title of this thread "Ultimate disrespect and ingratitude" violates item #15 of Satu's list "They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect."

[DKT3]

I think some are being a bit unfair here. I believe OP had to describe the financial and career imbalance for us to understand what's going on. The fact that some men make 10X more than the wives and they don't have these issues is not relevant because this type of imbalance usually doesn't bring behavior problems in wives. Maybe she's a little too proud? Maybe, I don't know. Disrespect is a good word to use the behavior of someone who calls you idiot. Ingratitude is a good word to describe being taken for granted.

 

Is she rubbing it in his face? I am not in their house, but I don't think so, specifically. And even if she did it, from the way I read it, her mere existence and her coming from, going to, and talking about her job is equivalent to rubbing it in his face. He'd rather she doesn't talk about her job and lower her status by moving to a less prestigious place, specifically for the benefit of his ego.

 

Yes, like someone said, going on a social outing, she'll be "Dr." and he'll be "Mr." and he can't take it, he'd like for that to stop because it brings him pain. That's rubbing it in his face, every day, him being married to her. And that's not her fault, it's his insecurity. When people treat us badly, like he is treating you, OP, it tells a lot about themselves and not much about you. You can't make them react in any way, that's the classic excuse of the abuser. You "did something to make him do it". 'You made me do it" by doing....whatever. Don't buy into that nonsense.

 

You two simply evolved in different directions and he can't deal with it. I don't think you are compatible anymore. Not because he's making less or is having a less prestigious career than you, but because he's insecure about it and the way he deals with it is to treat you bad and put you down. And yes, because you are not interested in giving up on your life work to make him feel better about himself. You have a part in that. You are hard headed and you cling to your career. Which you should. You make sacrifices only for those whom you can trust and know have your back.

 

I don't know if you can break up now, just from a few put downs, it usually takes a while until people can leave (unless they're really strong people), but it would save you a whole lot of years to just let go and find someone either with a better career than yours, or someone secure, who can deal with you being Dr. and him being Mr. It can be done.

 

I was in an extremely similar situation a few years ago, and I wish I left much earlier. I never rubbed it in his face, on the contrary, I spent years trying to prop his ego day in and day out. It's exhausting. Yes, it didn't help. It's pointless. I wish I left at least 10 years before I did. No matter what I was saying to him, according to him, couldn't wipe off the fact that he was seeing himself as Mr. BlueEyeL every time we were in public.

 

In the end, once I finally got it through mu thick skull that it can't be saved, I went on to finally find someone who is compatible. You can do that too. Should do it earlier than I did (I was over 40). Good luck!

 

If you don't place yourself in her place or identify with her and just read what she wrote you would conclude what we have. She says some pretty disrespectful stuff, and basically said she knew he wouldn't amount to much. She says she didn't pressure him the. Says she told him to learn his role then get more money. She is a model in contradictions, she absolutely loves the fact that she earns more and it shines like a flashlight.

 

This is about control, but its not working so she us upset.

[burnt]

Well, he may think I'm an "idiot," but I drew up a prenup before we got married. No palimony.

 

That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag!

 

So you were thinking about money, money, money, YOUR money, and how to measure yourself higher against him based on YOUR money well before you got married?

 

May I ask that you take a very deep look at your definition of relationship and TRUST carefully before you criticize your husband's behavior?

 

I read somewhere LOVE is awe, admiration, and respect.

 

You seem to lack all three for your husband based on your post. If you have so little trust and respect for your husband and so much admiration for your own job status and financial achievements, maybe you should divorce him and be with someone who is able to make as much money as you are to be truly compatible with you.

 

The word EGO doesn't fit into the word marriage. EVER.

[BettyDraper]

I'm getting a vibe that you may be playing the "Dr Card" a bit heavy. I have buddies that do this, there is a certain amount of ego that goes along with all the hard work, studying, etc that it takes to be a Dr. But what a turn off.

 

As the breadwinner it takes much more class to be humble and appreciative of your spouse who doesn't earn the same bucks that you do, and appreciate that they contribute to the household in many valuable ways.

 

I'd suggest you try and ground yourself and make peace. Make your spouse feel appreciated in their contributions - I'd bet the farm that this eradicates any ugly behavior on his part.

 

If after being appreciative and humble he still behaves like an ass, then it is time to take steps.

 

This is true.

 

My husband is the breadwinner and sole income earner.

 

He never talks down to me and he shows appreciation for the way I manage our home and other aspects of our life that he doesn't have the time or energy to attend to.

 

If the OP is proud of her achievements, there's nothing wrong with that but I also agree that she may want to be careful about how she is coming across to her husband. I won't excuse his behavior though.

[Popsicle]

First of all, quit with complaining to him about your job. I have experience with this and it's just a big downer in a relationship and you need to focus on talking about positive or neutral things instead of the negativity of your job complaints. Leave work at work and keep it positive in your relationship. Again, I speak from experience and it's better that way. I think that the complaining may be tainting your relationship too much with a negative tone, so I would start there and see if things get better. Also, I just read an article the other day that listed Doctor as the #1 earning profession. You can't expect him to earn more than you, so you will have to just accept that or date another doctor. As for where you live, you are being totally reasonable in asking to live close to your job as a doctor. Anyone married to a doctor has to make some sacrifices in that regard. He should appreciate that he can buy more of a house than he would alone with your income. You will have to work together on that. And tell him to stop being so cranky! No one wants to live with that. I wish you luck.