Ultimate disrespect and ingratitude

[Popsicle]

Well, he may think I'm an "idiot," but I drew up a prenup before we got married. No palimony.

 

Oh jeezus. Just divorce him now. You thought it would be doomed from the start.

[CarrieT]

Maybe check the California laws, those documents carry very little weight in the state.

 

Disagree. The Uniform Premarital Agreement Act (UPAA) has applied to California prenups since 1986. In general, this law states that written prenuptial agreements signed by both parties will automatically become effective once the couple marries.

 

I'm in California as well and signed a pre-nup. I did considerable investigation before entering into such an agreement.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Please use paragraphs.

[DKT3]

Disagree. The Uniform Premarital Agreement Act (UPAA) has applied to California prenups since 1986. In general, this law states that written prenuptial agreements signed by both parties will automatically become effective once the couple marries.

 

I'm in California as well and signed a pre-nup. I did considerable investigation before entering into such an agreement.

 

Prenuptial means proir not during. The prenup protects what was carried into the marriage not what was gained . Her doctrine was earned after which in the state of California will consider him as having made it possible or aided therefore any monies present or future will be deemed marital property and will over rule her prenup.....my Doctor brother found this out not so long ago. Opted for stay married.

[Els]

I don't think gender should matter here. It wouldn't be acceptable for a woman to throw a tantrum and insist that their partner move with them to a location that is a 2 hr commute away from their work, and then verbally abuse them if they disagree. It shouldn't be acceptable for a man either.

 

That being said, OP, do you generally play the 'gratitude' card a lot with him? It still doesn't excuse what he said to you, but it could be an important lesson to take into your next R.

[Diana1120]

As one poster said a while back, I had to give the financial details in a concise format so people could have some insight into the context. I do not "play the gratitude card" with him, and I have been very supportive of his choices in terms of career. When I say I knew he would probably earn less, it's because the reality is, in the entertainment industry, salaries are very low unless you are a top executive. It's just the reality. It doesn't pay well. But he loves it, and I've always supported that. As for the prenup, we always discussed that we didn't believe in alimony, and we both felt if a relationship ended, both parties should be able to move on. Paying to support your ex spouse forever, in this day and age feels very outdated. He wanted the prenup as much as I did because he wanted to protect his retirement account. Just because a couple agrees to a prenup doesn't mean they are planning on having the marriage fail! It's a practical, smart decision, especially in a state like California.

[BlueIris]

Prenuptial means proir not during. The prenup protects what was carried into the marriage not what was gained. Her doctrine was earned after which in the state of California will consider him as having made it possible or aided therefore any monies present or future will be deemed marital property and will over rule her prenup.....my Doctor brother found this out not so long ago. Opted for stay married.

 

This doesn’t sound right. But I'd guess that OP and her husband each had counsel for their prenup so they'll probably turn to them for legal advice.

 

OP, I didn't get the impression that you lord your income over him. I thought you were explaining it for us. But if you do, then change that.

 

Of course if anyone pulls any form of "I'm better" on their partner, that's bad, whether it's more money, more intelligent, more attractive- anything. Your husband is doing that by saying you're an idiot.

 

Your career sounds demanding which I think is exciting- good for you! But he can't handle that. He doesn't play team with you and someone who has a big career can't have a partner who resents that career and knocks them down. You'll need a true partner not someone who compares and competes with you.

 

It sounds as though you are supportive of his career but he's undermining yours, and you. He sounds a lot like a saboteur husband:

Forbes Welcome

 

Regardless of gender, you've got be to able to celebrate your wins and success. You need a partner who picks up slack when you go through career changes and the demands increase. A partner who gets upset and undermines you rather than cheering you on and being proud just isn’t a good match for someone with a big career.

[BettyDraper]

As one poster said a while back, I had to give the financial details in a concise format so people could have some insight into the context. I do not "play the gratitude card" with him, and I have been very supportive of his choices in terms of career. When I say I knew he would probably earn less, it's because the reality is, in the entertainment industry, salaries are very low unless you are a top executive. It's just the reality. It doesn't pay well. But he loves it, and I've always supported that. As for the prenup, we always discussed that we didn't believe in alimony, and we both felt if a relationship ended, both parties should be able to move on. Paying to support your ex spouse forever, in this day and age feels very outdated. He wanted the prenup as much as I did because he wanted to protect his retirement account. Just because a couple agrees to a prenup doesn't mean they are planning on having the marriage fail! It's a practical, smart decision, especially in a state like California.

 

Prenups are definitely smart. Nobody would take shots at a man who wanted to protect income and assets earned before marriage.

 

Let a woman do the same thing and suddenly she is thinking too highly of herself.

[Diana1120]

One more thing I forgot to mention that he stated: "where is all that money you say you earn? I don't feel the effects of any of it!" This after I've paid for all our condo remodels, a vast majority of our credit card bills, not to mention expensive gifts for him. Part of the reason I haven't "saved" more money, which he criticized me for, is I have to pay all our bills. Yeah, I think saying that he doesn't feel my contributions is ungrateful

[CarrieT]

Diana, pre-nups aside, what is your gut telling you?

 

That you are working hard and being disrespected. I would suggest you make a list of the pros and cons of your marriage. Overall, is it something you see lasting and working towards or crumbling apart at the seams?

[BluEyeL]

One more thing I forgot to mention that he stated: "where is all that money you say you earn? I don't feel the effects of any of it!" This after I've paid for all our condo remodels, a vast majority of our credit card bills, not to mention expensive gifts for him. Part of the reason I haven't "saved" more money, which he criticized me for, is I have to pay all our bills. Yeah, I think saying that he doesn't feel my contributions is ungrateful

 

I'm with you because as a professional woman that had married someone who couldn't handle his failures and took them out on the partner, I understand the unique problems you're facing. Also, in general, as a professional woman who dares not to be humble enough and "know her place as a woman", you'll have haters here and everywhere, misogyny is alive and well and comes from both men and women.

 

The thing is, he can't handle it and he'll not be able to handle it, you are not compatible anymore and you should plan your exit.

 

This is not something that will change. If he feels resentful now, he'll continue to feel resentful since he'll never be able to catch up with you due to the different industries you're in and the opportunities that they each afford.

 

I know a couple who made it work, but they were in the same industries. I went to college with them. The girl was clearly significantly smarter than him while he was struggling. She decided to always let his career ahead of him and trail his. She told me that. She didn't reach her full potential on purpose so he doesn't resent her.

 

I don't think that's right. It's better to just choose a partner with whom you can reach your full potential and he can reach his, who is supportive of you as you are of him and who fights fair when inevitable fighting happens.

 

People who get together young are often likely to evolve in different directions and stop being compatible. It happened to me and my ex husband. We were the same when we got together at 18/19 yo and through college but then after things happened and I got his dream job while he didn't get it.

 

Some would be able to see beyond that, but not all men. For many, their ego is too much tied into the job titles and money. Their way to decrease their pain is to put you down to be more at their level. Don't put up with that, there is absolutely no reason to, you have just one life. You can't help him feel better no matter what you'll do, unless you stop advancing your career on purpose, which I think would be a disastrous decision. And the relationship would still be not great, albeit maybe surviving while your own resentment will grow.

 

There are other men out there that are better for you from now on. Some relationships are here just for a time, not for life. Sometimes there is nobody's fault. Things change, the relationship can either take the change and adapt, or not.

[mikeylo]

One more thing I forgot to mention that he stated: "where is all that money you say you earn? I don't feel the effects of any of it!" This after I've paid for all our condo remodels, a vast majority of our credit card bills, not to mention expensive gifts for him. Part of the reason I haven't "saved" more money, which he criticized me for, is I have to pay all our bills. Yeah, I think saying that he doesn't feel my contributions is ungrateful

 

Leave him. Parasite comes to mind.

[TrustedthenBusted]

He's jealous and insecure. And you probably ( if subconsciously ) rub your success in his face when you need a boost or feel defensive.

 

Nothing worse for a woman that being disrespected, and nothing worse for a man than being emasculated. You two better cut the crap.

 

If you are earning enough to pay the bills, and have disposable income for gifts and trips, and you STILL can't manage to be happy and focus on more important things, then you need to get some help finding out why.

 

My best friend's wife is a surgeon, and he works in sales. He does fine, and they could live off his income ( albeit with not as many creature comforts ) When they talk about her career, all I ever hear them talking about is how much she loves her work, her patients, her ability to help people, and use her education to make the world better. They never talk about money that I'm aware of, and I think I'd be aware.

 

Same for my wife and I. I do pretty well, and so does she. But these last couple of years, I wanted to do something very specific, so I took a pay cut to go do it. She earns more than I do now, but not by a huge margin.

 

This has absolutely ZERO effect on how we spend money. SHE doesn't pay OUR bills. WE do. Because they are OUR bills because we got MARRIED. So my student loans? Yep. those are OUR bills. Her car? Yep, that is OUR bill.

 

You get the idea. ....or do you?

 

 

PS. being called an idiot is not the ultimate in disrespect. Go read the Infidelity forum if you want to see some spouses who REALLY got dumped on.

Edited August 5, 2016 by TrustedthenBusted

[introverted1]

One more thing I forgot to mention that he stated: "where is all that money you say you earn? I don't feel the effects of any of it!" This after I've paid for all our condo remodels, a vast majority of our credit card bills, not to mention expensive gifts for him. Part of the reason I haven't "saved" more money, which he criticized me for, is I have to pay all our bills. Yeah, I think saying that he doesn't feel my contributions is ungrateful

 

What is your arrangement for how bills are handled? Many couples opt for a "mine," "yours" and "ours" arrangement for finances. For example, if your living expenses are X, he would contribute 1/3 and you 2/3 to a joint account for that purpose. Then you'd each have your own accounts from which to save, buy presents, etc.

 

What conversations have you had with your husband to try to understand the underlying issues/concerns and determine a path forward?

[Satu]

There's no justification for abusive behaviour.

 

There's always an excuse, but excuses don't justify anything.

[elaine567]

Same for my wife and I. I do pretty well, and so does she. But these last couple of years, I wanted to do something very specific, so I took a pay cut to go do it. She earns more than I do now, but not by a huge margin.

 

 

The difference being that the OP earns 3x his salary and she DOES pay all the bills.

YOU and your wife are more or less equal. YOU both do rather well even despite the sideways path you took and no doubt you could probably pick up your old job again or the new job may take you to a different place salary wise eventually, so no need to feel downcast or "less than".

 

BUT the OP's husband is stuck in a rut, he is always going to be the lesser partner salary wise and he obviously doesn't like it.

HE doesn't see that THEY are paying the bills (as a team) because the truth is he isn't paying any bills and no doubt he is very aware of that fact whether she rubs his nose in it or not.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Why are you blaming the OP for her husband's emotional abuse? Feeling emasculated is no excuse to treat a wife poorly.

It's not her fault that her husband cannot handle a successful woman.

 

OP, you would do well to leave your husband and find a doctor or a lawyer to be with. That way, there will be no feelings of insecurity about how well you have done. It's very common for men to be intimidated by women who are more successful than they are. Your husband doesn't have the right to be awful to you because he's insecure. He sounds like he lacks maturity and ambition if he is fine with his parents spoiling him.

 

I think there's probably more to the story than the OP is letting on to...

 

She made a point to mention the fact that she makes 3x what he does. I'm almost positive that this is made readily apparent to him at a fairly regular interval and he's probably tired of it.

 

Also, as a point of order, doctors have a much higher salary ceiling than IT consultants. I am in IT and know what the industry is like. Especially in a place like Southern California where talent is dime a dozen.

 

I find it kind of hard to listen to women who make more than their husbands complaining about being the primary breadwinner. Because most of the time, the roles are reversed and rarely do you hear guys complaining about it.

 

I'm not excusing the husband for treating her poorly, but again, I think maybe we don't have ALL the facts, that some of this is going both ways...

[DKT3]

Common to ignore abuse coming from the female. Op is dishing out as much as she is getting and this is her edition....

[BettyDraper]

I think there's probably more to the story than the OP is letting on to...

 

She made a point to mention the fact that she makes 3x what he does. I'm almost positive that this is made readily apparent to him at a fairly regular interval and he's probably tired of it.

 

Also, as a point of order, doctors have a much higher salary ceiling than IT consultants. I am in IT and know what the industry is like. Especially in a place like Southern California where talent is dime a dozen.

 

I find it kind of hard to listen to women who make more than their husbands complaining about being the primary breadwinner. Because most of the time, the roles are reversed and rarely do you hear guys complaining about it.

 

I'm not excusing the husband for treating her poorly, but again, I think maybe we don't have ALL the facts, that some of this is going both ways...

 

I think she only mentioned the income disparity to describe the issues they have. Men don't complain about being the primary breadwinner because they would typically rather earn money than take on domestic chores and childrearing.

 

The OP should not be punished for being successful and taking some pride in her accomplishments. I think that sex roles are so ingrained in our society that many people are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman who is proud of earning a high salary as a result of her dedication. That said, I don't condone adopting a haughty attitude for any reason; particularly in a marriage since that is not helpful.

[DKT3]

I think there's probably more to the story than the OP is letting on to...

 

She made a point to mention the fact that she makes 3x what he does. I'm almost positive that this is made readily apparent to him at a fairly regular interval and he's probably tired of it.

 

Also, as a point of order, doctors have a much higher salary ceiling than IT consultants. I am in IT and know what the industry is like. Especially in a place like Southern California where talent is dime a dozen.

 

I find it kind of hard to listen to women who make more than their husbands complaining about being the primary breadwinner. Because most of the time, the roles are reversed and rarely do you hear guys complaining about it.

 

I'm not excusing the husband for treating her poorly, but again, I think maybe we don't have ALL the facts, that some of this is going both ways...

And when you do all he// breaks loose.

 

in my opinion op has emasculated her husband with her greater earning, which I've tried to point out from the start of the thread. She married a man she knew wouldn't have a high paying career and like she has done here, beats him over the head with the fact that she earns more, that she affords him a chance to chase his dreams and that her career and opinions carry more weight in decision-making.

 

Poor treatment here swings both ways, this isn't a case of some orge intimating a meek powerless woman.

 

Point is being if he didn't call her name's what would it change about the situation? Too much focus is going there when it's not the root of the problem, only a distraction. Focus on distractions and this marriage will fail 100%.

[TrustedthenBusted]

The difference being that the OP earns 3x his salary and she DOES pay all the bills..

 

This is where I don't know that I see it the same way.

 

Sure, her income is higher, but the bills are the bills are the bills. A couple works, they bring in money, they pay bills with it, and decide what to do with whatever is left over. All this HE pays this, and SHE pays that, and HE saves this and SHE saves that and spends HERS on HIM and whatever.

 

That's their problem. They aren't married. They are just two seprate business partners who are playing husband and wife.

[Tiger Lily]

OP ~ I am curious to know what you think about some of the constructive advice given in this thread. Have you looked in to counseling, financial planning advice, self-help books, options regarding separation, making a pro/con list? It would help to know what sorts of positive solutions you are interested in working towards .

 

OP, it's not easy to make changes in a marriage. I wish you the best of luck in yours.

[GreyKitten87]

Wow wow wow.

 

First off, next time he threatens divorce give him a taste of his own medicine because you do not deserve that!

 

I understand what's going on, you earn significantly more than him so his manhood is hurt, but this is where he needs to realize how lucky he is to have a smart, successful wife rather than be jealous of your success.

 

You do not need this, there is no excuse and it is not acceptable. People grow apart and maybe that's what happened while you were in school/completing your residency. He thought he would be ok with your success but when reality hit he wasn't ready. You cannot hold yourself back when he isn't supportive. You deserve better.

[Lois_Griffin]

He threatens divorce whenever I refuse to give him his way, but it's all just posturing.

I'd SO happily give this little snot what he wants.

 

If you're SMART, you won't buy a house with him. You know darned well where the down payment will come from, and it won't be from him. You live in a community property state so be prepared to lose anything you invest in while he stands back and lets you lose it - to HIM.

 

Yup, his 'manhood' is all butt hurt that you make more. He knew this would happen going IN when you were in medical school, so he can't cry foul now. More so, he sure doesn't stop you when you're paying off all the marital debt and his credit card debt and all your monthly bills while he contributes nothing and squirrels away HIS money into savings. Where's all his self-righteous indignation when you're paying HIS portion of the bills? Yeah, I thought so.

 

I'm very glad to hear you've got a pre-nup. SMART. With a sh*t attitude like his, you're going to need it.

 

Personally, I wouldn't get a goldfish with this guy. Forget a house or kids.

[BettyDraper]

And when you do all he// breaks loose.

 

in my opinion op has emasculated her husband with her greater earning, which I've tried to point out from the start of the thread. She married a man she knew wouldn't have a high paying career and like she has done here, beats him over the head with the fact that she earns more, that she affords him a chance to chase his dreams and that her career and opinions carry more weight in decision-making.

 

Poor treatment here swings both ways, this isn't a case of some orge intimating a meek powerless woman.

 

Point is being if he didn't call her name's what would it change about the situation? Too much focus is going there when it's not the root of the problem, only a distraction. Focus on distractions and this marriage will fail 100%.

 

I'm wondering if you would have the same opinion if a woman posted about her higher earning husband being disrespectful. It's like you believe that a woman should never be more successful than her man lest she bruise his fragile ego.

 

It takes a confident man to handle a woman with a highly respected and well compensated career. Unfortunately, most men believe believe in traditional sex roles whether they are vocal about it or not. My husband is honest about being traditional so I know he couldn't handle being with a woman who made three times as much as he did. Even when I had a career, my husband earned more than double my salary.