Ultimate disrespect and ingratitude

[DKT3]

I'm wondering if you would have the same opinion if a woman posted about her higher earning husband being disrespectful. It's like you believe that a woman should never be more successful than her man lest she bruise his fragile ego.

 

It takes a confident man to handle a woman with a highly respected and well compensated career. Unfortunately, most men believe believe in traditional sex roles whether they are vocal about it or not. My husband is honest about being traditional so I know he couldn't handle being with a woman who made three times as much as he did. Even when I had a career, my husband earned more than double my salary.

 

I can actually look past gender bias....I'm a believer in people being responsible for the life they lead.

 

My wife comes from a very wealthy family, she is worth far more then I ever will be.

 

My point is really basic and simple, this his and hers attitude op has will end her marriage, I believe she gets enjoyment out of the fact that she earns more and love to point it at, but also uses it to attempt to control her husband. That is her contribution to this dysfunctional relationship. Her husband REACTS poorly, he is showing an immaturity the is unbecoming.

 

Facts is, if he hadn't called her name's it would have changed nothing about this situation, however if she wasn't so adamant about pointing out that she earns more it would have.

 

This isn't about living to hours away or saving money, it's about power and control. She wants power and control and he isn't lying down and allowing her to take it. So she hits him were he has s weak, his insecurity. That is abuse, no its ands or buts.

[Popsicle]

I think the OP has lost respect for her husband somewhere alone the way because of the job/income disparity. Unfortunate, but there is nothing you can do about that. People are how they are. I think that they are buying time and she probably needs to get real with herself and realize that she needs to marry a man that she can respect, and for her, that might mean that he has a job and income that garners respect within her.

[BettyDraper]

I think the OP has lost respect for her husband somewhere alone the way because of the job/income disparity. Unfortunate, but there is nothing you can do about that. People are how they are. I think that they are buying time and she probably needs to get real with herself and realize that she needs to marry a man that she can respect, and for her, that might mean that he has a job and income that garners respect within her.

 

This makes a lot of sense.

[elaine567]

I think the OP has lost respect for her husband somewhere alone the way because of the job/income disparity. Unfortunate, but there is nothing you can do about that. People are how they are. I think that they are buying time and she probably needs to get real with herself and realize that she needs to marry a man that she can respect, and for her, that might mean that he has a job and income that garners respect within her.

 

I agree.

It is not just his work or his lack of money, plenty people have successful marriages with big disparities of income, but it is the fact she is "carrying" him here, she sees him as a burden or a child. He gets to "play" being in the entertainment industry, but she has no real respect for what he does, he has "failed".

She wants him to appreciate her success, to work together as a team onwards and upwards to higher things.

 

He is contributing to the problem, he is jealous of her success, he wants her to give up her high flying career and be a traditional wife, so that he can redress some of the imbalance of power and give him the upper hand as is his right as the man...

He knows he is "less than", he knows he cannot compete, so he is trying to bring her down to his level, by undermining her confidence and putting a spoke in her wheel.

 

She needs to go find a "go getter", a man she can respect, and he needs to find his "traditional wife".

[Gr8fuln2020]

He treats you poorly, and if he were posting I would tell him so...but its you posting so let's look at your part of it.

 

First you readily point out that you are the bread winner, that you afford him the opportunity to follow his dreams, that you pay for the majority of things. You don't see an issue there?

 

It can be emasculating for many men to have their wives be higher earners, which it seems to be for him. The way you told the story I get the feeling you have no problem rubbing his nose in that fact.

 

This could explain his anger and building resentment.

 

How crazy is this?! The HUSBAND feels emasculated b/c HIS wife makes more money than he does! What?! And that is the WIFE'S FAULT??? He sounds like an immature, insecure free-loader in the making...

 

If he feels emasculated it's b/c of HIM.

 

OP. Do you guys live beyond your means?

 

Doctors are notoriously poor financial managers. It is disturbing how so many of them live beyond their means and with HUGE medical school loans to pay off.

[Grisho]

OP ~ I am curious to know what you think about some of the constructive advice given in this thread. Have you looked in to counseling, financial planning advice, self-help books, options regarding separation, making a pro/con list? It would help to know what sorts of positive solutions you are interested in working towards .

 

OP, it's not easy to make changes in a marriage. I wish you the best of luck in yours.

 

All of this is what I am wondering. OP what are you doing to try to fix the problems?

[DKT3]

How crazy is this?! The HUSBAND feels emasculated b/c HIS wife makes more money than he does! What?! And that is the WIFE'S FAULT??? He sounds like an immature, insecure free-loader in the making...

 

If he feels emasculated it's b/c of HIM.

 

OP. Do you guys live beyond your means?

 

Doctors are notoriously poor financial managers. It is disturbing how so many of them live beyond their means and with HUGE medical school loans to pay off.

 

Yes you are right....but she is using the weakness against him. Example, say my wife was overweight and insecure about it, would you have the same view if I was using that to make points when we fight about things?

[BlueIris]

I just read through OP’s four posts again and she’s not the one making a big deal about her income. He is.

 

He makes a big deal about money and her income, demands that she quit her job, that she should have more savings, not spend money, blah blah blah.

 

He insults her, called her an idiot, tries to boss her about buying a house, threatens divorce, compares her to other wives.

 

She hasn’t emasculated him in any way. He’s dug his own hole.

[anika99]

I can actually look past gender bias....I'm a believer in people being responsible for the life they lead.

 

My wife comes from a very wealthy family, she is worth far more then I ever will be.

 

My point is really basic and simple, this his and hers attitude op has will end her marriage, I believe she gets enjoyment out of the fact that she earns more and love to point it at, but also uses it to attempt to control her husband. That is her contribution to this dysfunctional relationship. Her husband REACTS poorly, he is showing an immaturity the is unbecoming.

 

Facts is, if he hadn't called her name's it would have changed nothing about this situation, however if she wasn't so adamant about pointing out that she earns more it would have.

 

This isn't about living to hours away or saving money, it's about power and control. She wants power and control and he isn't lying down and allowing her to take it. So she hits him were he has s weak, his insecurity. That is abuse, no its ands or buts.

 

Can you please show me where the OP is doing and saying all of these awful things regarding her husband? I also keep reading her posts and can't see where she is demeaning or controlling him but I can definitely see where he is demeaning her and trying to bring her down. Are you assuming that the OP is lying about how she treats him because you don't believe a man can be that insecure about a woman's success unless the woman herself is causing that insecurity? If that is the case then you are sorely mistaken.

[DKT3]

Can you please show me where the OP is doing and saying all of these awful things regarding her husband? I also keep reading her posts and can't see where she is demeaning or controlling him but I can definitely see where he is demeaning her and trying to bring her down. Are you assuming that the OP is lying about how she treats him because you don't believe a man can be that insecure about a woman's success unless the woman herself is causing that insecurity? If that is the case then you are sorely mistaken.

 

Do I believe she is being totally honest? I don't.

 

But here is the thing, she is clearly into money yet she dates and marries a man she knows won't earn to her what isn't an acceptable wage.

 

I have stated that he treats her poorly, I said I thought he was insecure and jealous of her success. Yet she hounds him about it. I'm sure you ladies don't see it. But here is what she said, learn your role then pressure for more money....this after she claims to have accepted him not being a great earner and claiming to not be on him about it.

 

To an insecure man this sounds like you aren't good enough because you don't earn enough money.

 

This is a power battle nothing more or less. Why do I say that? She admitted that her husband has saved a pretty good amount, so the question is why is she paying all the bills? It's simple, because she uses it as power.

[aileD]

So just some background. I am a physician. I just started practice with a relatively young medical group 2 years ago. I do inpatient medicine, and I earn a fairly good living because of our group model (low overhead, lots of autonomy, etc.). I was made the group scheduler after one year because I have experience with this type of admin role. I'm also working at the hospital where I did my residency, so I get to work with my friends and colleagues who I've known for a long time. My husband works in IT as a consultant for a major movie studio. I'll be blunt. I earn about 3 times what he makes, and I've been shouldering the burden of most of our expenses. When we met several years ago, I was a resident and he was working and attending business school. We both were poor, and earning about the same amount. But he has not excelled since graduation from business school the way I have since finishing residency. I always knew this might be the case, and I never held it against him or pressured him. I always told him to pursue what he enjoyed, learn from his roles, and pressure for higher salary when the time was right. But I've started to feel now that he takes me for granted. When he's pissed or when I'm venting about something stressful at work, he often barks at me that I shouldn't have become a doctor, and that he wishes I had a traditional job like his friend's wives. Today, he announced that we wouldn't ever be able to afford a house in the LA area (we have a condo his parents purchased years ago), and that we would have to move to redondo (where he grew up) or way out in the valley. I explained to him that a 90min -2 hour commute was not reasonable given the nature of my job. I said we would just have to find something closer someday, maybe when the market shifts a bit, and accept that it may be smaller or need renovation. At that point, he flipped out and told me that I would just have to quit my job, accept that my "fancy" hospital isn't the be all end all, and find work at a small community hospital outside LA. I got very angry at that point and told him he had no right to make that demand and try to dictate my career like that. He blew up and said that just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I'm entitled to anything, and he actually said "you're an idiot. You know nothing about finances, real estate, business...stick to medicine because that's all you know anything about." I was shocked. He can be petulant and nasty when he's mad, but he's never called me an idiot before. He then went on to say "you've never saved anything. You just spend money." In reality, I'm paying off my student loans very aggressively, I hardly ever shop, and I've actually managed to save quite a bit of money since I've been in true practice. I have insisted on taking a few nice vacations, but that includes both of us and I pay for 80%. Most of the money I've spent "shopping" has been on impromptu gifts for him. Unless it's a special occasion, he never buys me gifts "just because." He has managed to squirrel away quite a bit of money, over the years, but mainly because before we married his mother and step-father paid for a lot of things for him. Quite frankly, I think he's acting like a spoiled brat. He threatens divorce whenever I refuse to give him his way, but it's all just posturing. Even at work, his latest feedback from his bosses was "you are perceived as an inflexible hard ass, and you need to learn to soften your approach when working with people." Ironic, huh?

 

Let me preface by saying I didn't read all the replies so I don't know if you posted more...it's hard to read on my phone.

 

Let me tell you part of my story. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years. Before I had children, my husband and I made the same amount of money. He excelled in those 8 years and was an incredible breadwinner for our family.

 

Until 2008 ...it started with a pay cut. I decided to go back to work to help out. He got laid off right after so it's good that I did. I found a job that worked for ME. Overnight shifts. That way I could sleep while the kids were in school and still meet all my after school obligations. I worked my way up the ladder pretty quickly and it definitely helped with money when my husband was rebuilding his career.

 

I worked that job for 8 years. 10pm-6am five days a week. I was proud of that job and of myself and my rise in the company ranks and salary.

 

My husband hated it. He complained that he never saw me, our marriage wasn't being put first and he was lonely. He asked that I find another job with different hours several times.

 

I resisted. He didn't understand what this job meant to me. I was important there. It was my time, they needed me, it fit my schedule, how dare he asks me to quit! Every time he came to me I just started to see him as this jerk who only cares about himself

 

Well. I didn't quit my job and continued to resist. He had an affair. My life is hell now. HELL. My kids are in pain, I'm in pain.

 

My job? I lost it. Why? Because it suddenly was just not important to me anymore. Being there felt bad. That and I was (am) and emotional wreck and could not show up to work.

 

So I do realize you husband is being rude and Insensitive snd saying some horrible things....but maybe try to see if there is anything behind it, that could be causing it.

 

I don't think anyone should eschew their dreams for any person or be pushed down in a marriage. But maybe evaluate your relationship as a whole and what's really important to both of you. There might be more to his he feels.

 

If I knew where my life would be now, I would have quit my precious job a long time ago.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited August 8, 2016 by aileD
Typos

[BettyDraper]

Let me preface by saying I didn't read all the replies so I don't know if you posted more...it's hard to read on my phone.

 

Let me tell you part of my story. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years. Before I had children, my husband and I made the same amount of money. He excelled in those 8 years and was an incredible breadwinner for our family.

 

Until 2008 ...it started with a pay cut. I decided to go back to work to help out. He got laid off right after so it's good that I did. I found a job that worked for ME. Overnight shifts. That way I could sleep while the kids were in school and still meet all my after school obligations. I worked my way up the ladder pretty quickly and it definitely helped with money when my husband was rebuilding his career.

 

I worked that job for 8 years. 10pm-6am five days a week. I was proud of that job and of myself and my rise in the company ranks and salary.

 

My husband hated it. He complained that he never saw me, our marriage wasn't being put first and he was lonely. He asked that I find another job with different hours several times.

 

I resisted. He didn't understand what this job meant to me. I was important there. It was my time, they needed me, it fit my schedule, how dare he asks me to quit! Every time he came to me I just started to see him as this jerk who only cares about himself

 

Well. I didn't quit my job and continued to resist. He had an affair. My life is hell now. HELL. My kids are in pain, I'm in pain.

 

My job? I lost it. Why? Because it suddenly was just not important to me anymore. Being there felt bad. That and I was (am) and emotional wreck and could not show up to work.

 

So I do realize you husband is being rude and Insensitive snd saying some horrible things....but maybe try to see if there is anything behind it, that could be causing it.

 

I don't think anyone should eschew their dreams for any person or be pushed down in a marriage. But maybe evaluate your relationship as a whole and what's really important to both of you. There might be more to his he feels.

 

If I knew where my life would be now, I would have quit my precious job a long time ago.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Do you blame yourself for your husband's affair?

 

I don't think that a woman wanting to earn her own income and climb up the corporate ladder is an excuse to stray.

 

It's troubling that so many LS members advocate coddling men who feel emasculated by successful wives.

Edited August 8, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Just a Guy]

Hi Diana, having read your OP I want to ask you what brought you two together? Considering that the two of you are in completely unrelated fields where the demands of the work place are no where near reconciliable, how is it that you decided to marry your husband. Also, how long have you been married? You say you work at the hospital where you did your internship and get to work alongside your friends who you have known a long time. I am sure that some of these friends must be male doctors. If so, why was it not possible for you to find a compatible mate from amongst some of them?

 

I have always maintained that where we find ourselves at a particular point of time is the direct result of choices that we made at some time in the past. Unfortunately, it seems that some people make unwise choices and their subsequent lives reflect the error of their thinking. In your case it is apparent that your choice of partner was unwise resulting in the problem you are facing now. I am curious as to why you went in for a prenup at the time of marriage. Did you have an inkling that you were going to face rough weather in the future and so hedged your bets? If that be the case why did you get married in the first place? I am sorry but there are some imponderables in your case and unless you shed more light on these it is unlikely any one here will get a clear picture as to how you find yourself in your current situation. In the mean time if you find yourself in an untenable situation, I would advise getting a divorce so that both of you can go your desperate ways with the least amount of heartburn. Warm wishes.

[aileD]

Do you blame yourself for your husband's affair?

 

I don't think that a woman wanting to earn her own income and climb up the corporate ladder is an excuse to stray.

 

It's troubling that so many LS members advocate coddling men who feel emasculated by successful wives.

 

No I don't fault myself for his affair. He could have divorced me first, there's no excuse for an affair

 

What I do fault myself for is not listening...really listening to the man I love telling me he was lonely. That it was hard to not sleep next to me at night, that the "quality" time we had wasn't quality because I was always so overtired and sleepy.

 

I fault myself for just assuming he was one of those men who is emasculated by women who do well and have dreams to aspire.

 

In reality, he didn't want me to give up my dreams, he didn't want to hold me down. He just missed me.

 

Marriage is a compromise. If he was offered a better position 300 miles away, we would talk about it and decide what was best for US and our family. And if we decided not to move and take the more prestigious job..I wouldn't be seen as holding him back. But when it happens the other way around, then it "has" to be because men are threatened by our desire to excel and succeed in our careers.

 

I don't know her husband. I can't speak. I just wanted to share my story and regrets. Because when it really comes down to it, my family is more important than any job.

[BettyDraper]

No I don't fault myself for his affair. He could have divorced me first, there's no excuse for an affair

 

What I do fault myself for is not listening...really listening to the man I love telling me he was lonely. That it was hard to not sleep next to me at night, that the "quality" time we had wasn't quality because I was always so overtired and sleepy.

 

I fault myself for just assuming he was one of those men who is emasculated by women who do well and have dreams to aspire.

 

In reality, he didn't want me to give up my dreams, he didn't want to hold me down. He just missed me.

 

Marriage is a compromise. If he was offered a better position 300 miles away, we would talk about it and decide what was best for US and our family. And if we decided not to move and take the more prestigious job..I wouldn't be seen as holding him back. But when it happens the other way around, then it "has" to be because men are threatened by our desire to excel and succeed in our careers.

 

I don't know her husband. I can't speak. I just wanted to share my story and regrets. Because when it really comes down to it, my family is more important than any job.

 

I agree that family is more important than your job. At one point in my marriage, I was working nights and my husband expressed concern for my health since I was always tired. I ended up leaving that job for many reasons including my husband's opinion.

 

I'm glad that you don't blame yourself for your husband's affair. Since you and I both believe that marriage is about compromise, we understand that cheating is not a good way of approaching marital conflicts.

[Robert]

The threadstarter has not been back on the site since their last post, over 30 posts prior to this one. We'll close it up for now and if they want it reopened, they can request that via the 'Alert Us' button on this post.

 

Thanks,

~6