I am desperate for understanding

[purplesoul]

The title says it all. I am desperate. I was brought up in a fanatical controlling and religious background. We had money and traveled a lot for their work. However, being submissive to them/ religious took precedence over education. I generally performed well but it was driven by a desperation to leave to university and 'escape' my background. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends most of the time, we had to dress conservatively, we were SO different from everyone I went to school with and what made this feel worse for me at least is from the outside I don't 'look' like someone who comes from a conservative ethnic background ( no offence to anyone but I think it would have been easier had I had a cultural background I felt affiliation with).

 

Parents unstable and one day loving, the next day a mess if I went against what they wanted ie go out with my friends. We always did our chores at home and were very disciplined but the minute I went to university I lost it. I wasn't allowed to go to university of my choice as my other brother didn't get in. I also developed a serious eating disorder and suffered greatly from depression. No clue who I am. I did poorly at university. I have never been able to keep a job properly because I either give up, feel attacked or am too guilty and to be honest lazy. I had a good opportunity once, but I let it go as I was guilty and felt I HAD to come back to where my parents were living. I didn't know how to stand up to them. I married my first husband for lust/ convenience. It's as though I sought escape.

 

I KNOW I am intelligent internally. I've been told it all my life but what have I physically accomplished? Not much. I don't know how to be my own person. My parents and most people view me as someone who is independent and more free than most but I am caged. I spend so much time fantasizing about how to break free and tell my parents I don't believe what they do, I am going to accomplish my dream of doing X project. I am lucky in that in my second marriage I found a good partner and friend that I love who is SUPPORTIVE and while happy with him, I can't seem to appreciate everything he does for us.

 

We have a good life and I have a rare opportunity to accomplish my dreams but all I can do is laze around, think about the past, feel stuck and I can't just seem to care. I am disconnected from the world. The only time I feel very alive is in conflict. I don't have friends I can even talk to about this because I am ashamed. I don't know what my problem is. I am so unhappy and in years past I have been to therapists but I get repulsed and I lie without meaning to. I don't know how the lies slip so easily past my mouth. I had a psych that was good a few months ago but I slip so easily into sexual energy ( if that makes sense) in that I become TOO aware of the doctor being a man as opposed to a doctor.

 

I'm sorry if this is all jumbled but I can honestly say while I wish I could say I am unhappy I am not. I just remember a part of me that wasn't always like this. I'm becoming someone I don't like inside my heart. I don't know what I'm looking for. Any insight would be appreciated.

 

I've looked high and low on how to stop being the way I am. Why have I not been able to keep a job? Why am I so okay with taking the back seat for accountability? How can I be so assertive one way and yet so scared and worried all the time. I'm so frustrated as I write this letter I want to cry but I can't even tell what's real or not anymore.

Edited August 4, 2016 by purplesoul

[purplesoul]

I get scared of stupid crap even like asking for a glass of water from Starbucks. I'm not a meek person! I'm actually quite resilient ( had to be to survive that type of emotional hurricane from my background) but maybe it wasn't by choice? I don't what to feel like several people all at the same time anymore. I sincerely feel annoyed when I read my posts from before. I can smell so many lies and half truths. I can't say if I respect myself. I can't say I don't like myself as I feel narcissistic at times. I don't know what to do. I am so sick of myself. I don't remember being this way when I was younger. I never mean to hurt anyone but I can't feel empathy that much anymore even though I'd do anything to help someone. I'm sorry if this is boring or too stream of consciousness but I need a guiding hand.

[NTV]

Can you start a journal?

[purplesoul]

Yes! Like a written one? Why? Do you think that would help? I'm trying to process so much at same time so maybe would be positive. Thank you for response

[NTV]

Yeah a written one.i think it might really help. It's still just a tool and you can only get out what you put in. Either way good luck!

[heartfeltlove]

I also believe you would greatly benefit from PTSD counselling, or the kind of psychological help given to those escaping from the influence of a Cult.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you have expressed yourself very well. It must be extremely difficult to come from a different cultural background, make a life in another one, and yet still be living with the old one and its effects. If the only way seems to be to escape from family background and yet if you do you are blamed, then it is a catch-22 situation. It is no wonder you feel so mixed over everything.

 

Despite the fact that you have done so much to get out of a state of cultural conditioning, we are all products of our past and carry it with us. It has obviously been a battle and it sounds like you are almost tired of everything. I can really empathise with that. I too feel I've escaped a domineering sort of past but for what? If you were in a situation that damaged your self-esteem, you probably still have those feelings of hurt deep down. Talking with someone who understands and can go through the story with you might really help. I don't know if there are organisations which counsel women who have come from strongly religious backgrounds (other than the cult ones mentioned), but it may be worth looking around for that kind of help.

 

I know you feel you have not achieved much, but you have. You know you have come a long way. I think with anyone who has been through an ordeal, even if it was mainly a mental one, there is a certain feeling of aloneness and dissociation from 'normal' lives and society. You may be asking yourself 'how can people understand when they haven't made my journey? I think it could help if you had someone who could help you work through it. Don't write yourself off as lazy or a liar. Could this be a kind of rebellion against having to cope with it all?

[Ruby Slippers]

I can't type much now, because I'm on my phone. Find a female counselor. Make female friends you can talk to. I have a few friends I can talk with about anything, and it's a huge help to get their understanding and support.