A unique situation in seperation

[MrSpeaker]

My first post. Hope someone can provide some input preferably with suggestions of relevant reading. Here's the situation I am in;

 

1) We have been married for 10 years and she moved out into another property we own about 4 months ago. Initially, she wanted a break for 3 months but now, after 4 months, she wants another 3 months because she 'is finding hard to trust me anymore'. She has said a few times that lets divorce and move our own way.

 

2) We have no children but have had fertilised embryos frozen about 6 months ago.

 

3) I very much would like her back and stupidly did the whole round of apologising, begging and pleading to get her to move back.

 

4) The breakup was because sex was not good, there were certain things I said (maybe about 10 out-of-context phrases collected over 10 years of marriage) and 3 more serious instances of me getting involved with something illegal. I had been naive and did not know what I know now and have fixed the situation in a way that she can get to know anytime that it has not happened again. We both understand that if it happens again, divorce is a forgone conclusion.

 

5) When she moved out, she self-diagnosed to be suffering from co-dependency and wanted to move out so that she can start looking after herself. She has a good career and earns a little more than me.

 

Now here's something that is really puzzling me.

 

a) She keeps saying that she loves me and that she misses me but does not move back in with me. She initiates intimate touching, comes over for sex, talks dirty and even talks about future kids and new house that we should buy.

 

b) Few times she has slept with me, she has been hugging me and kissing me which looked genuine like it has always been and not an act.

 

c) She even wants me to go to holidays with her.

 

d) She has started out a whole list of new activities since she has moved out (like learning to dance) and has made a whole lot of new friends. Sometimes she invites me over to an activity they are going to but so far, I have not.

 

e) What concerns me is that she only does all these intimate things when she wants them. She will stay over and have sex when she wants it but wont stay over when I ask her. Sometimes when she comes over, she will spend sometime with me and go back.

 

f) She has not told anyone that we have separated, even her parents and sisters. We still visit family and friends as a couple.

 

g) She pays for things that are purely my personal expense while I pay for many things that are her expenses.

 

h) She has invited to take me out on a date night and wants me to do the same with her.

 

i) She says that imagining a future on her own scares her and that she was not happy in the marriage as the spark was not there any more. Two days later, she will be wanting to hug and kiss and have sex.

 

Now here's the million dollar question. Is she wanting to get back together with me? By all accounts of her behaviour, she is. But why is she not? Is she just waiting for the 3 further months to pass and then she will move back as it will satisfy her ego? Am I being used?

 

Is No Contact suitable in this situation?

 

What should I do? Please help and it would be very kind of you to suggest some appropriate reading material. Every book or website that I have seen so far does not list out the behaviour she is displaying.

 

Thanks again

[CarrieT]

Wow, is she ever playing you...

 

I would take her at her word and divorce her. She has put you on a back burner and is using you for sex (which, granted, you are probably enjoying, but is an emotional band-aid and not a true partnership).

 

She is trying out the single life with no accountability to anyone. Are you having unprotected sex? Because I'm willing to bet she has been getting sex elsewhere as well as shagging you.

 

I think you would do much better to move on with your life with someone who isn't such a manipulator.

[S2B]

If she REALLY wanted to stay married to you she would have moved back and repaired the damage she's caused by leaving the marriage.

 

Wild horses won't keep a woman away from a man when she really wants to be with him. But she not doing that - she's toying with your emotions because you continue to allow her to.

 

Have you checked to see if she is test driving a new model?...ie = another man while she's placed you on the back burner?

 

Start checking.

[MrSpeaker]

If she REALLY wanted to stay married to you she would have moved back and repaired the damage she's caused by leaving the marriage.

 

Wild horses won't keep a woman away from a man when she really wants to be with him. But she not doing that - she's toying with your emotions because you continue to allow her to.

 

Have you checked to see if she is test driving a new model?...ie = another man while she's placed you on the back burner?

 

Start checking.

 

I have but have found no evidence. Should I initiate a No Contact?

[S2B]

I have but have found no evidence. Should I initiate a No Contact?

 

Sure - if it protects your emotions.

[Mr. Lucky]

The breakup was because sex was not good, there were certain things I said (maybe about 10 out-of-context phrases collected over 10 years of marriage) and 3 more serious instances of me getting involved with something illegal. I had been naive and did not know what I know now and have fixed the situation in a way that she can get to know anytime that it has not happened again. We both understand that if it happens again, divorce is a forgone conclusion.

 

While there's no need to be specific, you'd have to be more descriptive for someone to understand what this means.

 

Does this all play into the trust issue she has with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[MrSpeaker]

While there's no need to be specific, you'd have to be more descriptive for someone to understand what this means.

 

Does this all play into the trust issue she has with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, it plays into the trust issue. But the last time this happened was more than 8 months ago. We went through the whole freezing-the-embryos process after that (which takes a few months and lots of appointments and self-injections). The separation only happened about 4 months ago.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, it plays into the trust issue.

 

Well, there you go. The issues you created over 10 years won't be erased in 4 months...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MrSpeaker]

While there's no need to be specific, you'd have to be more descriptive for someone to understand what this means.

 

Does this all play into the trust issue she has with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, it plays into the trust issue. But the last time this happened was more than 8 months ago. We went through the whole freezing-the-embryos process after that (which takes a few months and lots of appointments and self-injections). The separation only happened about 4 months ago. And now she says that she cannot trust me because of that issue. Is it all a smoke-screen? I want to initiate NC but am worried that it may backfire. I have read that NC is most useful straight after separation. We have been separated for 4 months. I have begged and pleaded with her. Had sex, frequent visits, long very cordial chats, trips etc. Is it too late for NC? Should I just stay cool about it and contact her in the same way as I have been over these 4 months?

[Mr. Lucky]

I have read that NC is most useful straight after separation. We have been separated for 4 months. I have begged and pleaded with her. Had sex, frequent visits, long very cordial chats, trips etc. Is it too late for NC? Should I just stay cool about it and contact her in the same way as I have been over these 4 months?

 

Certainly depends on what you want. Are you willing , at least for now, to settle for occasional "sex, frequent visits, long very cordial chats, trips etc"? If so, don't change a thing.

 

The "No" in NC would put a stop to all of the above. Unless you're willing to simply walk away, pick your poison...

 

Mr. Lucky