Time Ticking?

[Bialy]

I was having a discussion on another thread and it got me thinking --- is my time running out? All brutally honest comments are welcome.

 

Look, I'm a 34 year old single female. I'm not dating anyone. I don't want to be alone forever because, as mentioned in another thread, life is so much more sweeter when it is shared with a partner.

 

But I'm 34. I'd like to have a child and I'm now wondering if that will ever happen. I'm extremely health conscious and physically fit -- I think people assume I do it for vanity. I do it because this is the only body I have and I don't know what the future will hold for me.

 

But please don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate to have a kid with just anyone. I'd rather it be with someone who I love and have a strong relationship - who seeks this level of bond.

 

But I'm 34. And I'm at a critical point with maybe a 5-7 year window. I'm at such a good point in my life - financially stable and secure.

 

This sucks. It makes me wish I could be with my ex so badly. And he feeds into it by texting me how he wants to be with me, how he loves me, and how he misses me.

 

It HURTS. I don't know what to think. It's so disheartening to think I might always live a solitary life.

Edited August 4, 2016 by Bialy

[basil67]

It's really hard to say. For every person who (or knows someone who) had a baby easily at 40, there will be an equal number of people who are familiar with the heartbreak of infertility and IVF. I suspect your thread will reflect this. Me? I was peri-menopausal in my late 30's and was in full menopause at 44.

 

Wtih this in mind, I'd be suggesting you freeze eggs while they are still healthy. Better to be safe.

 

Interesting article on IVF and post 40 conception IVF industry accused of selling false dreams to hopeful patients

[jen1447]

It HURTS. I don't know what to think. It's so disheartening to think I might always live a solitary life.

 

I know this probably sounds pat but just trust me, you won't.

[Offspring]

My advice to you Bialy (from somebody who is older) is to get out there dating, without the expectation of meeting an ultimate "one" (person). Date simply to meet people, because the more people you meet, the more you increase your odds of meeting somebody that you click with and could have a relationship with.

 

Despite what we see and hear in popular movies, the person of your dreams is unlikely to randomly come knocking at your door, while you stay at home fretting about not being in a relationship or possibly not having children.

 

Not sure what to do about the ex, but refer to advice above and maybe keep him as a possibility too. Do not close up your options for somebody who is non-committal.

 

If i had my time all over again, I would take my own advice written above

 

Best of luck..

[Els]

I think being with a partner can happen at any age. I've seen people in their 50s or older in happy relationships with a new partner.

 

Children is definitely a different story. If you are certain you want a child, I'd strongly recommend freezing your eggs if you can afford it. I've heard women in their mid-late 30s say that that was the best dating decision they ever made. It took the pressure off and allowed them to relax and enjoy dating and getting to know the guy, which also made it a lot easier to eventually find a compatible and happy R.

 

So, I don't think anyone at any age is doomed to being alone 'forever', but if you really want kids then unfortunately medical intervention might be your best bet.

[Offspring]

^^ Good idea too.

[Bialy]

It's something I'm considering --- I have the money for it, so I wouldn't need to take out a loan or anything. I'm going to see how this year shapes up first. I turn 35 in June 2017.

 

I know this probably sounds pat but just trust me, you won't.

Thanks so much. My goal is to focus on my passions and hobbies and see how things shape up as I continue to meet people with the same interests.

[No_Go]

I recently asked my ObGyn and she confirmed up to 35, not to worry too much. You still have time, you just turned 34.

If you decide to freeze, do it preferably before you turn 36, to ensure you'll have higher egg yield and save money (if your yield is low you'll just need to repeat the procedure - my friend just did that at 36 & almost 37).

 

It's something I'm considering --- I have the money for it, so I wouldn't need to take out a loan or anything. I'm going to see how this year shapes up first. I turn 35 in June 2017.

 

 

Thanks so much. My goal is to focus on my passions and hobbies and see how things shape up as I continue to meet people with the same interests.

[Jejangles]

All I can say is, you never know what tomorrow brings! I am 35, turning 36 at the end of this year, and near the beginning of the year I was getting tired of dating and ready to pull my online profile down for a bit. And yet, I also had a feeling about 2016 - I remember saying to my friend on New Year's Eve that I felt something big was going to happen on the relationship front this year.

 

A week after that I matched with someone on Tinder, and a week after that met him in person. I'm not going to lie, I didn't know right away this was the game changer guy. I thought he was pretty cool, and we seemed to have a lot in common, but I took a date to date approach. Then over time it became clear we had a lot of interests in common, similar values and a great attraction to each other. Now we are in a relationship and talking moving in, marriage and maybe even kids (nothing big will happen till at we have been dating at least a year)... Things are maybe a little accelerated because of my age, but we have agreed a timeline that balances getting to know each other but also the realities of age on trying to conceive, if we decide kids are for us.

 

The secret for me is I had a positive attitude about meeting someone, and I gave a chance to someone who I wasn't sure about but who turned out to be just who I have been looking for. I did a lot of work on myself in 2015 and really examined why I have been single for so long, and what I have been doing wrong. And I realised I was giving crappy guys a chance, which closed me off to quality guys, and I was cutting guys off too quickly due to "lack of chemistry".

 

So for you, the first thing I would do is stop communicating with the ex. As long as even a small part of you is tied up in him, you will not be truly open to someone else. Then get yourself out there and be open minded!

 

On the "how much time do I have left front", if you want an idea, talk to your doctor and ask for fertility testing, which will give you an idea of how much time you have left - one critical level is your FHS level. Then, have an honest talk with yourself about how much you want a relationship versus to have kids. I decided last year not to do fertility testing because I didn't want fears about my ability to have kids to influence my decisions in dating - I decided my priority was a relationship, and I would be ok without kids. My single friend had fertility testing, found out her FHS level was poor and decided to go ahead with donor sperm because she wants to have kids (I have two friends who have decided to try to have kids without a partner and with donor sperm).

 

Finally, read this article on the Atlantic - 82% of women aged 35 to 39 who are actively trying will be pregnant within a year, versus 86% of 27 to 34 year olds (so not much difference). The 35 year fertility cliff is now thought to be a myth, 40 appears to be the more critical age. This article took a lot of pressure off my shoulders. How Long Can You Wait to Have a Baby? - The Atlantic

[Bialy]

Thank you so much everyone. All the comments have provided me with so much food for thought and strategies on life and love.

 

It's hard sometimes. Some days are WAY better than others. I'm still in a post breakup restructuring/refocusing phase --- and it can be frustrating at times as I look at the present and towards the future.

 

This forum means a lot --- so many perspectives and insightful comments. It helps so much.