Can men and women be friends?

[bethbeatrice]

I was writing to ask if it is possible for a man and woman to be friends. Being a female with many male friends, I think it is possible from the female perspective. But how about from a males point of view? I do know that most of my male friends have at some point been interested in me but I was not interested in them. But do men ever like women as friends w/out wanting to pursue them?

[smile95]

I bet this gets a lot of input. In my expereience, yes. However, usually only if we dated first and then were friends. I have to say that I have had 0 guy friends that at one point did not ask me out. If I said no, we were friends after, but I think that you choose your friends becasue of your common interests and the way you get along, so on some level you are attracted to your friends...even if not in a sexual way.

[Zaira]

Yes they can, although a lot of males DO try to take it further with their female friends. When you find out the answer why, please let me know! Although I think it has something to do with their self esteem.

[Craig]

Originally posted by bethbeatrice

I was writing to ask if it is possible for a man and woman to be friends. Being a female with many male friends, I think it is possible from the female perspective. But how about from a males point of view? I do know that most of my male friends have at some point been interested in me but I was not interested in them. But do men ever like women as friends w/out wanting to pursue them?

Yes it's definitely possible but apparently not with all men or all women. It's quite wonderful to enjoy the company and friendship of a woman. I don't feel the need to pursue anything more than friendship with my woman friends. The friendship I have with women is far different than the ones I have with men and I'm sure that my women friends would say a similar thing. To be friends with a woman and not be interested in more, I must acknowledge that she is not my type, but that I like her as a friend. Once I've decided that a woman is not my type then nothing could make me want to have a relationship with her. Once we are friends then nothing could make me want to jeopardize the friendship.

 

As for the guys that must pursue any manner of female entity I have this to say, with apologies to Maslow, "if your only tool is your dick then you tend to look at the world as a piece of azz."

[ggallin13]

Sure.

 

As long as the guy is getting it somewhere else and you don't spend too much time together, no problem. But the second you spend a lot of time together and if he has no other sexual outlet it'll get weird. Men want to sleep with all their female friends, but in varying degrees.

[BrotherAaron]

Sure, men and women can be friends. It's the needy men and needy women that screw it up. Right now, I have 4 people that I hang out with on a regular basis, and two of them are girls. One of those girls is pretty cute, and I suppose if she came onto me I wouldn't say no, but I don't really care that she doesn't. She's great because she's good looking and therefore always invited - and she always brings me. As long as I don't find myself obsessed with her, and trying to make moves, I don't see the problem.

 

People who argue that men and women cannot be friends 'without somebody wanting more' forget that not everyone in this world is desperate for a relationship (or sex). The men who cannot be friends with women are the ones that are too desperate and attach to every female who talks to them. They fail to establish real friendships with girls because they never intended to be the girl's friend to begin with. They are not in control of the relationship, but simply waiting for "the right time" to make a move which never comes. Others simply don't see women as making interesting friends, and tend to avoid friendships with them that don't yeild sex. If they don't enjoy a woman's company (as a friend) then it's perfectly understandable - but that's not the way everyone feels.

[Rosalind]

A man (a hetero man) does not choose a woman as a friend - unless he wants more.

[lindya]

Originally posted by Rosalind

A man (a hetero man) does not choose a woman as a friend - unless he wants more.

 

But you don't exactly "choose" friends in life, do you? They just develop - through work, college, proximity, other friendships etc.

 

There are a lot of posts about how men don't form friendships with women unless they want more. No doubt there are men who fit into that category - perhaps for the reasons BrotherAaron mentioned. There are also some women out there whose egos demand that their male friends should find them sexually attractive as well as likeable. That, along with the false sense of "chemistry" that drugs and alcohol can create, is a not uncommon reason for platonic friendships sometimes leading to more when they really shouldn't have done.

[Iluvsiamese]

Is it possible? Yes. Is it probable? Now there's the question.

 

Male/female friendships are great--very enjoyable and if they are open, great for perspectives and discussion. However, the trick is to keep it at friendship for both parties. I don't have any idea why many men try to hit on their female friends. In my experience, I have had this happen virtually every time I was friends with a guy for any length of time. To my knowledge, and from what was said, I did nothing to encourage this but they just decided to take a chance to see if maybe......even though they admitted that they knew I wasn't that sort of person. I don't know if they think that it was worth spoiling the friendship over the remote possibility. However, that's what happened in every case.

 

There has been only one friendship that was after the dating thing. But it just faded away as we both had other commitments and we weren't willing to jeopardize that part of our lives. And of course, as life goes on, you get busy and just plain drift apart. Any friendship or relationship requires time and effort to maintain. The danger zone comes in when you start investing more time and effort into a friendship than into your relationship. This is usually more visible to others than to us and so we need to take notice when we are called on it. It's time for some hard questions and alot of thought.

[Marshbear]

I find it ironic that people always think that if someone decides to become friends with the opposite sex and that friendship develops into something more ( from one or the other ) that they never had friendship in mind from the beginning.

It is not an insult if your friend decides that he/she likes you well enough to pursue a relationship. If you have spent lots of time together and during that time you have decided that the person has alot of common interests as you and you really enjoy their company it is natural to want to go to the next level.

If you see your friend as wanting to move forward and you don't feel the same then you should tell them and let them pursue another person. You should not feel affronted that they spoiled the friendship. You should feel honored that they felt enough for you to like you that way. Usually friendships that develop into more is not just about sex. It is about a loving relationship.

 

That being said, I can say that if a women just wants to be my friend and I have other feelings for her the friendship will end. I can be a acquaintance with her but not a friend. If a gal wanted more from me and I didn't I would respect her decision to need to move on. I would not be mad or upset because she felt enough of me to want more. It is an honor to be cared about and I do not reject people who care about me.

[Rosalind]

Interesting post, Marshbear......

 

Would you like to explain what your signature line means, then???

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by Rosalind

Interesting post, Marshbear......

 

Would you like to explain what your signature line means, then???

 

My signature is a reminder to me for a relationship that happened to me. I liked a girl very much and she liked me but did not want to go from friendship to something more. We still see each other and it is still painful for both of us. It is just a personal thing to me.

[Owl]

It's possible to be friends with the opposite sex. But, if you're involved in a relationship (married, dating, whatever...) then you need to be VERY careful to set appropriate boundaries in your friendship to ensure that it doesn't pose a danger to your relationship.

 

Never talk about relationship problems that you have with your significant other with your friend.

 

Never flirt with a friend.

 

If you (or your friend) EVER cross the line and develop further feelings, the friendship has to end forever...or at least for as long as you are involved in a relationship with someone else.

 

To me, this is just common sense. But for MANY, not following these basic ideas has destroyed their marriage.

 

My wife is also my best friend. But there was a time when that wasn't true...and that time VERY NEARLY ended our marriage of 17 years.

[Craig]

One thing I find interesting, in human behavior, is that the attitude of whether women and men can be friends appears to be regional. I've lived in several, perhaps many by some peoples standards, places and currently am in a region where men and women tend not to be friends or even hang out together. In other regions the concept of men and women being friends was taken for granted and considered normal.

 

Has anyone else noticed differences in attitudes toward men and women being friends that vary from region to region?

[ggallin13]

The regionapl comment is interesting. Where I live it seems that wmoen want different things from men, i.e. around here most women just want to be my "friend" but back East I am a chick magnet. I am curious to see what toher's experiences with that are.

 

I actually get along better with women than I do men in some ways (parents divorced, lived with mom, older and younger sis). I have lots of friends that are women, always have, and it's great, but I just cut one of them off because it got weird and we got too close. That's a whole nother topic, though....

 

It seems that women have a more difficult time understanding where "friends" stops and "girlfriend" starts. I am sure I am at fault too, but in my personal experience a level of intimacy develops that makes it difficult to not be physical with the woman in question. And often the woman uses that to her advantage. I have never had it the other way--maybe that's because I fall in love differently from other people, or so it seems.

 

As long as the friendship doesn't get too involved then it seems everything is totally cool.

[Iluvsiamese]

Just to clarify, I was not insulted that any of my male friends thought that they would like to take the friendship further. However, since much of the time, they were involved in a relationship or were married and thought that I would consider an affair or a fling with them--that I found insulting. Especially when they also stated that they knew I had higher standards than that. After that, there was no way I could continue the friendship. I had set and maintained boundaries on the friendships where the other was "involved." I did not go out to dinner with any of these friends or spend excessive amounts of time with them and I would try to include their SO or spouse as often as possible. With one friend, it was mainly the enjoyment of reading that we had in common and we often swapped books. Once he wanted to swap more than books, it was over. This was someone that I worked with and the only time I saw him was in the company lunchroom so it wasn't like there was this intimate setting or anything.

[Tony427]

yes, absolutely men and women can be friends, I know because I have plenty of female friends

 

A man (a hetero man) does not choose a woman as a friend - unless he wants more.

 

this is so very untrue. I can be friends with a woman and if she is not my type than there is no interest in her as anything more. But if she is my type than I feel the friendship is a good basis to start a very close relationship, but maybe that's just me.

[Rosalind]

Tony427....yes, I understand what you are saying.

 

My opinion is based on my own personal experience.....natch.

 

I have felt major disappointment in my male friends, when after awhile they all

tryed to take it to a romantic level...they destroyed what I thought was a good friendship.

[ratzxvital]

I only have one girl friend. The REST are guys.

They all have been interested in some way I have to admit. Through time it became completely platonic for most of them, because it was always this way for me. We have fun.. nothing more. And it works.

[chaos70]

It is totally possible for men and women to be friends and not have it progress to relationship. One of my closest friend from college is a girl. I even introduced her to her now husband.

 

But I can say that friendships with girls versus guys are totally different. My guy friends are all like brothers in sense. We don't have to say much but grunt and fart. While the women friends are all into doing things like shopping and talking.

 

I'd be lying if I was to say that at points there have been that chance for it to develop, but I've seen too many of those blow up rather than to mess a cool friendship.

[CHAZ87]

In my experience, No. In high school, I only thought of one thing from my female friends. Fast forward to last year. Had a discussion with my wife and a nieghbor and his wife on same subject. Some times it could be like that, if the husbands friends are firends with the wife, then yes, men and women could be friends. Fast forward to June 30th. My wife left me for someone, who in the begining, was "just a friend". He saw my wife as a conquest. Our marriage hasen't been the greatest, but who's is perfect? She started to confide in him and he saw his opportunity to move in.

[liswil]

I think men will be friends with women in two ways:

 

They'll be friends with women who they aren't attracted to--those who they never will have any romantic interest in.

 

Or they'll be friends with women who they are attracted to and want to be more than friends with, but act like they're ok with just being friends with her, hoping things will change (whether they admit this to themselves or not).

 

There are some guys who will never do the first one because they only see women in a sexual way.

 

 

So either they never were attracted to and never will be or they're attracted to you and hope it leads to more.

[billybadass36]

Different people have different comfort zones with this situation. Even if there's nothing extra-curricular going on in a M-F friendship, if one or the other is in a relationship, there's always the problem of at the very least an "appearance" of impropriety and perhaps unease on the other person in the relationship's part. This is compounded if the significant other has had a relationship fail because of an interloping "friend" of the opposite sex. I just think it takes a little common sense. It's the rare circumstance when a guy will be just "friends" with an attractive woman and not jump at the chance to bang her. All you guys that have these women friends, picture yourself a little tipsy alone with one of these female friends and try to fgure out what you'd do if she started coming onto you in a situation where nobody would find out...nine times out of ten, the guy would be totally in there.

 

Also, I've got to wonder about a single dude that's just "got" to be friends with another guy's girlfriend, fiancee, wife, whatever. These situations generally lead to the interloping "friend" being the crying towel for the woman to whine about every little bad thing that's happened in her current relationship, and then this "friend" ends up being the landing pad that she flops onto that he not so subtlely has been suggesting all along.

[couragous]

I think women can be friends with guys but not the opposite way around .Frommy pesonnal experience my guy friends usually turn out interested and they even destroyed what I had with the guy I liked .so no they can't be trused big time .Even with my girl friends it was the same case.women believe they are friends but they are at the very least a little bit interested in you ,or attracted to you.

[shamen]

I do indeed believe that women and men can be friends. I have a lot of male friends that I am very close to and it's purely platonic. Some have gfs and some of them are married. I have met their gfs and their wives and (outwardly anyway) they seem OK with it and always act in that fashion. I often consider them to be my friends too, even tho I was friends with the guy first. Oh, I even introduced one of male friends to his now wife!

 

In the past, I have had some weird situations where he wanted more than I did. In which case, we are often left no longer being friends, which is sad, of course.

 

I have only ever had one friend where I wanted something more, but he did too. We were very close and had a lot in common, spent a lot of time together. That ended up very convoluted. So, once in a blue moon for me it ends up being a weird scene.

 

In general, however, I do believe that women and men can be friends. It's just that you have to be on the same page. I think that I tend to choose male friends that are on the same page with me. But as Alpha and others have said to me, I don't necessarily know what's going on in their heads.

 

The regional question: maybe it's where I live, but on the East Coast in the North East corridor in the major cities anyway, I find that there a lot of people who have friends that are of the opposite sex.