Need some tips on how to handle meeting ex

[tart6245]

It's been about a month and a half since my ex and I split. I employed limited contact since. We speak maybe every two weeks, but nothing beyond that. I haven't asked her much about her life, but she asks me lots about mine, like what I've changed in my life since we split (it was my fault) and how things are different. I've spent the summer working on myself and correcting my issues and I feel like I'm in a much better place than I have been in years.

 

Last time we spoke, she said we thought we should see each other this month but that I shouldn't expect her to jump back into a relationship with me when we did. I told her whatever we did in the future had to be new and fresh and she agreed. I know we can't just jump back in and pick up where we left off.

 

I haven't set a date yet to meet and I'm pretty nervous about it. How do I handle it from here? I want a second chance and I've basically been clear about it, but I have no idea how she feels.

[kztar]

It's been about a month and a half since my ex and I split. I employed limited contact since. We speak maybe every two weeks, but nothing beyond that. I haven't asked her much about her life, but she asks me lots about mine, like what I've changed in my life since we split (it was my fault) and how things are different. I've spent the summer working on myself and correcting my issues and I feel like I'm in a much better place than I have been in years.

 

Last time we spoke, she said we thought we should see each other this month but that I shouldn't expect her to jump back into a relationship with me when we did. I told her whatever we did in the future had to be new and fresh and she agreed. I know we can't just jump back in and pick up where we left off.

 

I haven't set a date yet to meet and I'm pretty nervous about it. How do I handle it from here? I want a second chance and I've basically been clear about it, but I have no idea how she feels.

 

Do you really think you've changed in such a short period of time?. WHAT has changed ?. You also mentioned that it was your fault, what were those faults. Have you 100% fixed them?

[Bialy]

What's the purpose of meeting?

 

You're already keeping in contact minimally via text --- why carve out time to sit down and discuss... what exactly???

 

I've been in this boat. It brings back memories and old times (if you're meet-up pans out like mine did) --- BUT you will wonder why you met with her in the first place. You might feel hollow and wonder what was the point.

 

I say stick to minimal contact --- if she wants to talk, do it over the phone, if you absolutely must.

[tart6245]

Do you really think you've changed in such a short period of time?. WHAT has changed ?. You also mentioned that it was your fault, what were those faults. Have you 100% fixed them?

 

My faults existed in deep rooted childhood experiences where I emotionally shut myself off and had a real problem with money. I also was afraid to tell my family things about my life that I feared they'd disapprove of, because I was afraid they'd cut me off financially. I don't think I ever recovered from a summer where I spent 3 straight months doing nothing but studying. During most of my 2.5 year relationship, I was a student or studying for major exams and was not working.

 

I have been going to therapy for over 2 months now and have since told my family everything, and they've been extremely supportive of me and want to welcome my ex into my family. Most of my issues were self made and things I covinced myself of that were not true.

 

I'm very confident that if I'm given another chance things will be much much different this time around. My ex knows some of what I've done to work on things but I haven't shared everything with her.

[tart6245]

What's the purpose of meeting?

 

You're already keeping in contact minimally via text --- why carve out time to sit down and discuss... what exactly???

 

I've been in this boat. It brings back memories and old times (if you're meet-up pans out like mine did) --- BUT you will wonder why you met with her in the first place. You might feel hollow and wonder what was the point.

 

I say stick to minimal contact --- if she wants to talk, do it over the phone, if you absolutely must.

 

I don't know what the purpose of it is. She didn't say why she thought we should meet. Only that she thought we should meet.

 

She said when we split she felt we had a future but I needed to work on myself and fix my issues. I don't know what she's done since we broke up. Im not prying into her life. I'm mostly concerned about mine and making sure I'm in a good place regardless of the outcome.

 

You're right though. I don't want to meet to just catch up and then not see her again. At some point I have to either move towards getting back with her or just cutting her out of my life completely.

[Densel]

Why not ask her what is the purpose of meeting up?

[SevenCity]

It's been about a month and a half since my ex and I split. I employed limited contact since. We speak maybe every two weeks, but nothing beyond that. I haven't asked her much about her life, but she asks me lots about mine, like what I've changed in my life since we split (it was my fault) and how things are different. I've spent the summer working on myself and correcting my issues and I feel like I'm in a much better place than I have been in years.

 

Last time we spoke, she said we thought we should see each other this month but that I shouldn't expect her to jump back into a relationship with me when we did. I told her whatever we did in the future had to be new and fresh and she agreed. I know we can't just jump back in and pick up where we left off.

 

I haven't set a date yet to meet and I'm pretty nervous about it. How do I handle it from here? I want a second chance and I've basically been clear about it, but I have no idea how she feels.

 

Part of me feels she is saying this because she is open to the possibility of getting back together. I've seen that if there is no possibility they won't bother to mention it or specifically say "this is just as friends".

 

I agree with the other posters - find out why she wants to meet up with you.

 

And you are correct. You have two choices with her, move forward or move on.

[tart6245]

Why not ask her what is the purpose of meeting up?

 

I thought about doing that when I ask her to set a date.

 

She's been really wishy washy about things since we split. She keeps telling me she doesn't know what she wants to do with me and is afraid I'll hurt her again, and she kept this up until we last spoke 2 weeks ago, when she suggested we meet sometime this month. She said she was proud of the work I'd been doing on myself and happy for me. She also suggested other things I should work on that she didn't like, like me being cheap sometimes.

 

I'm not looking to meet for no reason but I don't think she is either. And I don't know if her statement about not wanting to jump back into a relationship means she doesn't want one eventually again or that she just doesn't want to rush into anything immediately.

Edited August 5, 2016 by tarheelian

[SevenCity]

I thought about doing that when I ask her to set a date.

 

She's been really wishy washy about things since we split. She keeps telling me she doesn't know what she wants to do with me and is afraid I'll hurt her again, and she kept this up until we last spoke 2 weeks ago, when she suggested we meet sometime this month. She said she was proud of the work I'd been doing on myself and happy for me. She also suggested other things I should work on that she didn't like, like me being cheap sometimes.

 

I'm not looking to meet for no reason but I don't think she is either. And I don't know if her statement about not wanting to jump back into a relationship means she doesn't want one eventually again or that she just doesn't want to rush into anything immediately.

 

This is pretty much how my ex was acting. She is now open to the possibility of a RL but is still afraid of getting hurt and we are still not back together.

 

I've made significant progress with her and she seems to be slowly but surely coming to the "us" side.

 

That said, it's been going on for 2 months and I often reach the point of giving up. It's a difficult road and I'm not sure if it will end up where I want.

 

Be sure you are ready for a roller coaster ride if you decide to pursue this. I want to marry my ex which is the only reason I'm putting myself through it. I never have, and never will put myself through this again.

 

In retrospect, moving on would have been easier - and I may have to do that anyway.

[tart6245]

This is pretty much how my ex was acting. She is now open to the possibility of a RL but is still afraid of getting hurt and we are still not back together.

 

I've made significant progress with her and she seems to be slowly but surely coming to the "us" side.

 

That said, it's been going on for 2 months and I often reach the point of giving up. It's a difficult road and I'm not sure if it will end up where I want.

 

Be sure you are ready for a roller coaster ride if you decide to pursue this. I want to marry my ex which is the only reason I'm putting myself through it. I never have, and never will put myself through this again.

 

In retrospect, moving on would have been easier - and I may have to do that anyway.

 

My ex and I already planned to get married before I had my breakdown and it fell apart. She moved to my home city to be with me so I could pursue my career. We have a lot invested in the relationship and her family has expressed support for the two of us finding happiness together.

 

I'm willing to do a lot for her, and I've never worked so hard on myself before in order to reach an ultimate goal. I know it won't be an overnight fix, but I want to progress towards a relationship again and show her it'll be different. I told her that when we spoke and she didn't say "I don't want a future" or anything close to that.

 

I've asked her directly a while ago if she thought we had a future and she just said she wasn't ready to trust me again and didn't know what she wanted. I guess agreeing to meet is progress from her saying that

[SevenCity]

My ex and I already planned to get married before I had my breakdown and it fell apart. She moved to my home city to be with me so I could pursue my career. We have a lot invested in the relationship and her family has expressed support for the two of us finding happiness together.

 

I'm willing to do a lot for her, and I've never worked so hard on myself before in order to reach an ultimate goal. I know it won't be an overnight fix, but I want to progress towards a relationship again and show her it'll be different. I told her that when we spoke and she didn't say "I don't want a future" or anything close to that.

 

I've asked her directly a while ago if she thought we had a future and she just said she wasn't ready to trust me again and didn't know what she wanted. I guess agreeing to meet is progress from her saying that

 

Yea I would play it cool and not bring up the RL unless she does. She's over the initial hurt and the thought of exposing herself to that again is terrifying.

 

I'm at the point in my campaign where she has sent me naked pics and the "I love yous" and "You are my xxxx". But still, I'm the kind of guy who is in or out. It's completely frustrating for me to not have a definitive path and it is destructive to who I am.

 

I just want you to be prepared for an uphill battle. I don't know all the details of what you did but it doesn't sound that bad (same as me). There are women on here taking husbands back who cheated on them; I struggle to understand how what you or I did is so horrible.

[tart6245]

Yea I would play it cool and not bring up the RL unless she does. She's over the initial hurt and the thought of exposing herself to that again is terrifying.

 

I'm at the point in my campaign where she has sent me naked pics and the "I love yous" and "You are my xxxx". But still, I'm the kind of guy who is in or out. It's completely frustrating for me to not have a definitive path and it is destructive to who I am.

 

I just want you to be prepared for an uphill battle. I don't know all the details of what you did but it doesn't sound that bad (same as me). There are women on here taking husbands back who cheated on them; I struggle to understand how what you or I did is so horrible.

 

I never slept around on her or anything like that. We lived together and I basically moved myself out when a lot of things like my family not knowing came crashing down. I was basically living a double life - one for her and one for them.

 

It had to stop and I'm really happy I have fixed that major problem. I just need her to give me a chance to show her how it'll be different this time. From all she's said she seems open to it, or at least she hasn't shut me off and told me she wasn't yet.

 

I know it'll be a long road back but I need to either begin the journey soon or end things completely with her. No more back and forth, "I don't know/we may have a future/I haven't gotten over things."

[SevenCity]

I never slept around on her or anything like that. We lived together and I basically moved myself out when a lot of things like my family not knowing came crashing down. I was basically living a double life - one for her and one for them.

 

It had to stop and I'm really happy I have fixed that major problem. I just need her to give me a chance to show her how it'll be different this time. From all she's said she seems open to it, or at least she hasn't shut me off and told me she wasn't yet.

 

I know it'll be a long road back but I need to either begin the journey soon or end things completely with her. No more back and forth, "I don't know/we may have a future/I haven't gotten over things."

 

Your absolutely right. The problem is it may not move at the pace you want (as is the case with me).

 

I wish you luck.

[tart6245]

Your absolutely right. The problem is it may not move at the pace you want (as is the case with me).

 

I wish you luck.

 

Honestly, as long as she's willing to see me again and talk to me again with regularity, I'll go from there. I just hope she doesn't just want to meet and then not see each other for another month or two and talk sporadically. That's when I'll consider just cutting her out of my life.

 

I don't think that'll happen but I really don't know

[Mr Scorpio]

Honestly, as long as she's willing to see me again and talk to me again with regularity, I'll go from there.

 

That is a potentially dark road to walk down my friend. I am not familiar with your backstory and thus don't want to be disrespectful of the situation. I'm also glad to hear that you feel you are in a good place.

 

That being said. Six weeks? Rome wasn't built in a day. Beyond that, I get the impression that this is a bit of an emotional-game to her. The script from a late-September Hollywood flick. Focus on yourself without regard to her. Your priority is you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why not ask her what is the purpose of meeting up?

 

Pretty much this. Don't make the simple complicated.

[RocketQueen]

I think a mistake us dumpee's make is that we're constantly told to 'give it time' and 'take things slow' and we're so desperate to get the opportunity to try and start again that we make allowances for the dumper.

 

We're scared to ask their intentions because we don't want to blow our chance and be too needy.

 

Wanting to know the purpose of the meeting isn't pushing it.

 

You take your time once it is established she wants to give it another try.

 

Do not be prepared to just be there for her and have regular contact- it never usually goes the way you think...but do be prepared to walk away.

 

She may be just as confused as you and unintentionally take you on a ride you'd rather not go on that is going to lead to nowhere.

 

Take care

[tart6245]

I think a mistake us dumpee's make is that we're constantly told to 'give it time' and 'take things slow' and we're so desperate to get the opportunity to try and start again that we make allowances for the dumper.

 

We're scared to ask their intentions because we don't want to blow our chance and be too needy.

 

Wanting to know the purpose of the meeting isn't pushing it.

 

You take your time once it is established she wants to give it another try.

 

Do not be prepared to just be there for her and have regular contact- it never usually goes the way you think...but do be prepared to walk away.

 

She may be just as confused as you and unintentionally take you on a ride you'd rather not go on that is going to lead to nowhere.

 

Take care

 

You're right about that.

 

I don't plan or want to rush or jump back into anything with her immediately, but I also don't want her to use me, knowingly or not, until she meets someone else. She's already had a 2 week rebound a month ago.

 

I don't want to be too pushy, but at the same time, I need to define and know her intentions, what she wants to do, etc. So far, up until 2 weeks ago, it was "I don't know, I'm hurt, I'm struggling, I'm stressed" and then when we last spoke, she just said she felt we should meet, and that she was proud of all the changes I had made so far.

 

I assume she's still confused and unsure, because she's typically very direct, and I feel like she'd say she doesn't want a future with me if she felt that way.

[tart6245]

My ex's close friend from the city she used to live in before she moved here to be closer to me added me on Facebook last night. I knew him well, and I can't believe he doesn't know she and I are not together. It may mean nothing but it's odd all the same.

[tart6245]

Reached out to set up a meeting. My ex said she still wanted to meet but informed me she was "sort of dating someone"

 

She said she wanted to hear what I had to say but said not to get my hopes up for a future.

 

Not sure I even want to meet with her now. Amazing how she still wants other people even after saying we should meet 3 weeks ago

[Simon Phoenix]

Reached out to set up a meeting. My ex said she still wanted to meet but informed me she was "sort of dating someone"

 

She said she wanted to hear what I had to say but said not to get my hopes up for a future.

 

Not sure I even want to meet with her now. Amazing how she still wants other people even after saying we should meet 3 weeks ago

 

Yeah, scrap it. It's obvious you and her are not on the same page.

[tart6245]

Yeah, scrap it. It's obvious you and her are not on the same page.

 

Yep. She must've met him this weekend since she didn't bring it up when we spoke 3 weeks ago. I don't think anything good will come from meeting now. I'm sure I'll not convince her to leave him and come back to me

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep. She must've met him this weekend since she didn't bring it up when we spoke 3 weeks ago. I don't think anything good will come from meeting now. I'm sure I'll not convince her to leave him and come back to me

 

You shouldn't be in the position to have to do that in the first place.

[SevenCity]

Yes thats a raw deal man. I don't understsnd how someone who once loved you can drag your heart through the gutter like this.

 

The good news is at least you have your answer and can now officially close the chapter of the RL and start fresh with a new one. The limbo you were in for is best avoided. Trust me.

[Densel]

Mayb she is still choosing either of you. So she wants to meet and then decide who she wants to be with.