Author tart6245 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 Mayb she is still choosing either of you. So she wants to meet and then decide who she wants to be with. I'll probably still meet her. I have nothing to lose and expect nothing to come of it, but I'll say my piece to her and if she still is too afraid to trust me again, I'll move on and go full no contact. I'm not worried about someone she's maybe had a few dates with. I get she's scared and she still said she was afraid to put herself through what I did again, but it does hurt to watch her keep looking for someone else when she knows I'm working on getting her back while refusing to tell me she's not interested in a future with me even when I ask her. I think I'm going to just tell her directly that she either pursues a future with me now or she and I never speak again. At least by that point she'll have to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 "I think I'm going to just tell her directly that she either pursues a future with me now or she and I never speak again. At least by that point she'll have to make a decision" Ultimatums are not a very healthy way to enter back into a relationship. Nor are they a very effective bargaining tool for you at this point. The one positive side of meeting up is having an opportunity to be honest with her and have a conversation or "reflection" period on the past relationship and what has changed for you, and what you have been working on within yourself. Then she can decide for herself. So you can put it out there on the table that things are different now for you...and that you have no expectations. Let her contact you if she is interested. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 "I think I'm going to just tell her directly that she either pursues a future with me now or she and I never speak again. At least by that point she'll have to make a decision" Ultimatums are not a very healthy way to enter back into a relationship. Nor are they a very effective bargaining tool for you at this point. The one positive side of meeting up is having an opportunity to be honest with her and have a conversation or "reflection" period on the past relationship and what has changed for you, and what you have been working on within yourself. Then she can decide for herself. So you can put it out there on the table that things are different now for you...and that you have no expectations. Let her contact you if she is interested. I hate to agree with this but silver star is correct. It's like trying to get a squirrel to take a nut from your hand and then you suddenly start making big crazy moves. The reason why I hate it is because you lose power. Everything is left in her court. If you do meet and want her back, show her what she's missing. Then go out and bang other chicks to distract you from the time you are waiting for her. Move on with your life. If she comes back decide then if you will take her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 I hate to agree with this but silver star is correct. It's like trying to get a squirrel to take a nut from your hand and then you suddenly start making big crazy moves. The reason why I hate it is because you lose power. Everything is left in her court. If you do meet and want her back, show her what she's missing. Then go out and bang other chicks to distract you from the time you are waiting for her. Move on with your life. If she comes back decide then if you will take her. I suppose you're right. I haven't seen her in over two months and she hasn't really been told what all I have done to change and repor the things I broke. That's mainly what I wanted to talk to her about, and she said she wanted to hear it all. I guess I won't give her any ultimatums but I'm not going to expect anything if I leave her without any indication she wants to give me another chance. She keeps harping on what happened in the past, but that's over. I can't change it. I'll see how it goes. I have a lot to talk to her about because a lot has changed with me. If she doesn't care or doesn't see it, so be it. But I have to cut contact with her in all areas for my own health and ability to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I suppose you're right. I haven't seen her in over two months and she hasn't really been told what all I have done to change and repor the things I broke. That's mainly what I wanted to talk to her about, and she said she wanted to hear it all. I guess I won't give her any ultimatums but I'm not going to expect anything if I leave her without any indication she wants to give me another chance. She keeps harping on what happened in the past, but that's over. I can't change it. I'll see how it goes. I have a lot to talk to her about because a lot has changed with me. If she doesn't care or doesn't see it, so be it. But I have to cut contact with her in all areas for my own health and ability to move on. Sensible approach. Here's some words of advice that may help: "Be the guy she fell in love with, not the guy she broke up with" Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 Sensible approach. Here's some words of advice that may help: "Be the guy she fell in love with, not the guy she broke up with" Heard that before. I plan to be positive and upbeat and let her know how much has changed and what I have addressed since we split, and thank her for encouraging me to get help. I will be direct and ask her for another chance and let her know I think we do have a bright future. We're 28 and 27, I don't want us to throw this all away because of the problems I had. And I want to ask her what else I can do to make her feel comfortable, and she if she's just willing to give it a go slowly. If she doesn't like it she can always back away. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Heard that before. I plan to be positive and upbeat and let her know how much has changed and what I have addressed since we split, and thank her for encouraging me to get help. I will be direct and ask her for another chance and let her know I think we do have a bright future. We're 28 and 27, I don't want us to throw this all away because of the problems I had. And I want to ask her what else I can do to make her feel comfortable, and she if she's just willing to give it a go slowly. If she doesn't like it she can always back away. I don't know if you want to say that. You've got to lead her to her decision. Putting her on the spot like that is akin to an ultimatum. I think a great plan would be to talk about what's changed, talk about the good time you had (remember that time when we...?), and show her a good time. After you meet, say "This was fun - would you like to meet up on X day?" Or even let her think for a day and send her a text asking that. If she is ready to come back she wi say so. If she's not (or won't) you forcing her decision will backfire. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I still think this meet-up is a bad idea. First of all, it's only been two months. Second of all, she's dating someone else. Third of all, you haven't even gone No Contact. I think you'd be better off taking more time to get whatever changes you need to make made and let her get whatever she has to get out of her system with the other dude out. I'm also guessing you haven't asked her why she wants to meet yet. Instead of giving an ultimatum, you should ask that fundamental question the next time she brings it up. If she says "I just want to see how you're doing" or something to that effect, then just tell her that you're not up for it. That's not an ultimatum because you aren't telling her what she needs to do -- you're just telling her what page you're on. Either way, you have to stop chasing. She broke up with you, remember? And save me the "It was my fault" crap -- the death of the vast majority of relationships is a product of actions by both sides. But yeah, this doesn't seem to be a good idea, especially with the current dynamic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I commend you and Seven for trying to get your Exes back and making changes. My advice as a woman...... OP - if I were you I wouldn't meet her while she's dating anyone. You've been in contact on the phone and by text. Tell her if she reaches the stage where she wants to give your relationship another chance, then you'll be happy to meet up with her, but if she's not sure, then it's better all round not to meet. This isn't an ultimatum, it's just saying unless she's interested in trying again, you don't see the need to meet her. That way if she reaches out to meet, then you know she wants to give it a try. You can be honest and tell her, it would be tough on you emotionally to meet her while she's not made her mind up to give it another chance and you just need to be careful. If she said she wants to try and take it slowly that's one thing, but she's not committing. At 27, she would rather get back with you, than start a brand new relationship and have to get to know a new guy well enough, to get to the point of marriage. That could take another 4 years plus. You guys already got to that point. Biology works against women and if she wants kids, you are who she'd rather. Since you split, have you ever done anything like send her flowers, a letter of apology? Told her how you feel about her? Or anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 I commend you and Seven for trying to get your Exes back and making changes. My advice as a woman...... OP - if I were you I wouldn't meet her while she's dating anyone. You've been in contact on the phone and by text. Tell her if she reaches the stage where she wants to give your relationship another chance, then you'll be happy to meet up with her, but if she's not sure, then it's better all round not to meet. This isn't an ultimatum, it's just saying unless she's interested in trying again, you don't see the need to meet her. That way if she reaches out to meet, then you know she wants to give it a try. You can be honest and tell her, it would be tough on you emotionally to meet her while she's not made her mind up to give it another chance and you just need to be careful. If she said she wants to try and take it slowly that's one thing, but she's not committing. At 27, she would rather get back with you, than start a brand new relationship and have to get to know a new guy well enough, to get to the point of marriage. That could take another 4 years plus. You guys already got to that point. Biology works against women and if she wants kids, you are who she'd rather. Since you split, have you ever done anything like send her flowers, a letter of apology? Told her how you feel about her? Or anything like that. I sent her flowers but not an apology letter or to tell her how I felt. I was using this meeting to tell her how I've changed and how I feel. 3 weeks ago she wasn't dating anyone so I'm thinking this person hasn't been around long. Maybe it's too little too late but I feel if I don't meet her and let her know where I stand, she'll never know. She knows I want a future. I've been clear about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 (edited) Maybe it's too little too late but I feel if I don't meet her and let her know where I stand, she'll never know. She knows I want a future. I've been clear about that. You realize that these sentences completely contradict each other, don't you? Edited August 10, 2016 by Simon Phoenix 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 You realize that these sentences completely contradict each other, don't you? Yeah I get that. What I meant was I have not opened up to her. I've just said I wanted to make it work and that I would work on things a while ago. Maybe it is a waste of time to meet her, but at this point I don't know what else it could hurt. If we don't have a future together, I may as well go out on my terms. And if she is willing to meet, it's possible she hasn't completely made up her mind Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Yeah I get that. What I meant was I have not opened up to her. I've just said I wanted to make it work and that I would work on things a while ago. Maybe it is a waste of time to meet her, but at this point I don't know what else it could hurt. If we don't have a future together, I may as well go out on my terms. And if she is willing to meet, it's possible she hasn't completely made up her mind I don't agree with this because odds are, she'll say enough to keep you as an option but not say enough to let you know if that option is remotely realistic. You're willingly keeping yourself in limbo UNLESS you actually ask her why she wants to meet in the first place. For whatever reason you're afraid of this. Stop being afraid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 I don't agree with this because odds are, she'll say enough to keep you as an option but not say enough to let you know if that option is remotely realistic. You're willingly keeping yourself in limbo UNLESS you actually ask her why she wants to meet in the first place. For whatever reason you're afraid of this. Stop being afraid. Now she wants to have dinner together at a place we have been to together before when we dated. I suggested we talk in a park and she asked if we could eat together. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Now she wants to have dinner together at a place we have been to together before when we dated. I suggested we talk in a park and she asked if we could eat together. Ok? What does that matter? Just ask her why she wants to meet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 11, 2016 Author Share Posted August 11, 2016 Just a waste of mixed signals. Part of the dinner she almost teared up. The rest of it she spent telling me she wasn't over things and we needed to let things happen organically. When we left she hugged me and said we'd work things out. Probably time to block her and cut off contact for good. She didn't want me to but said if I needed to do it I had to do what was best for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Densel Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Did you ask her what she meant by "we would work things out"?? She is tearing because she still loves you. Can you tell us more about the meet up? Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 She said you would work things out. Together? Well, I read the entire thread. In my opinion, you should stay away and do what sandylee1 said: tell her that if she's willing to give it a second shot, you'll be there for it, if not, that she should rather stay away. But I believe she already knows that. I'm kinda going through the same thing now. After a month of NC, my ex said she missed me. I told her I was here for her. And she said "I know". Before that, I thought I hadn't made myself clear, but now I see that she's aware I'm open for reconciling. Pretty sure your ex knows too. So leave her alone, go dark on her and work on yourself. Don't wait for her. Meet new girls, go outside, work out, find new hobbies, whatever to keep your mind busy, but keep her away. She knows where to find you. And she will do it if she's interested, because she knows where you are at. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Yep, it's time to go ghost and recover. Both of you need significant time away from the other for things to settle out. At that point, she needs to be the one to pursue you and you need to be clear (if you're still interested in reconciliation down the road) that that's what you want. She doesn't get to have you hold her hand while she test drives the breakup. You've made it clear that you want her back, so let it end at that and recover/evolve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 11, 2016 Author Share Posted August 11, 2016 Yeah, we do need a lot more time apart. She said it had only been two months, and while I had forgiven myself for my wrongs she still hadn't gotten over things and wasn't interested in anything with me right now. I told her that if that was so, I had to it ties with her. She argued and asked why we couldn't keep things in the middle now and work things out organically when the time came. She said it had only been two months and she seemed to think she needed 6 months to get over everything using the fourth rule for our 2 year relationship. The dinner was ok. She'd fight back tears and then I could see her try to smile but she'd hold back. She was still standoffish and didn't give me any details about her life aside from she was working 6 days a week and went out to party the other one. I don't know what she meant by we'd work things out, but she kept saying she thinks we'll just run into each other randomly sometime and it'll happen. Considering we don't have the same social circles, I doubt it. I could tell she wasn't over anything that happened but she wanted to be. I don't know if the dinner helped her remember me in a better light or just opened up old wounds. I'll let it play out, but I'm moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Yeah, we do need a lot more time apart. She said it had only been two months, and while I had forgiven myself for my wrongs she still hadn't gotten over things and wasn't interested in anything with me right now. I told her that if that was so, I had to it ties with her. She argued and asked why we couldn't keep things in the middle now and work things out organically when the time came. She said it had only been two months and she seemed to think she needed 6 months to get over everything using the fourth rule for our 2 year relationship. The dinner was ok. She'd fight back tears and then I could see her try to smile but she'd hold back. She was still standoffish and didn't give me any details about her life aside from she was working 6 days a week and went out to party the other one. I don't know what she meant by we'd work things out, but she kept saying she thinks we'll just run into each other randomly sometime and it'll happen. Considering we don't have the same social circles, I doubt it. I could tell she wasn't over anything that happened but she wanted to be. I don't know if the dinner helped her remember me in a better light or just opened up old wounds. I'll let it play out, but I'm moving on. When I say significant time apart, that means No Contact, a complete break. You can't wean her through the breakup like you have to date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 11, 2016 Author Share Posted August 11, 2016 When I say significant time apart, that means No Contact, a complete break. You can't wean her through the breakup like you have to date. I told her I couldn't do the in between like she wanted. I have to do a complete cut from her so I can heal and move on from this period. Her whole "well this city isn't that big, we'll run into each other and it'll happen organically" argument is insanity. I feel better now that the in between is done and I can move on fully. I'm not playing games anymore and she's been trying it for months now 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Best to have a clean break. I'm looking forward to that myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 11, 2016 Author Share Posted August 11, 2016 (edited) Duplicate post Edited August 11, 2016 by tarheelian Duplicate Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted August 11, 2016 Author Share Posted August 11, 2016 Best to have a clean break. I'm looking forward to that myself. Yep. I can't help she's not over things but keeping the lines of communication open won't work. I feel like she just wants me around so if nothing pans out with anyone else, she can reconnect and try to date again. I get she's hurt and mad, and the tears and weird fighting smiles all dinner was just odd. But oh well. She made her choice Link to post Share on other sites
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