HenryC Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 I have been married for just over 1 year. We always got along great while dating and for the first 9 months or so or marriage. Now she never wants to be intimate or have sex with me. She won't let me have any kind of say in the finances and every time I have an opinion she shoots it out of the sky. I don't love my job, but I would rather work 12-14 hours a day than spend a few hours with her. Every time that she gets upset, she starts saying things like: "I have to do everything around here" and "I can't keep doing this"... I feel like I spend a lot of time (5 hours per week) making repairs on the house. I also spend an equal amount of time cleaning the house. She is a pastor at our church and we can never go anywhere or do anything without her talking about work or needing to buy something for work. Even on our 1 year anniversary trip she was saying stuff like "the church needs this" or "I think I'm going to buy this for the church staff". HELLO!!! I could use a little attention too... It is very frustrating... I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I am already seriously considering divorce... what should I do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 Fix it or leave it. Individual counselling for you, and couples counselling for both of you. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 Be VERY assertive (in a kind gentle way) about what your needs are in the relationship. It does no good to think "Hello, I need attention too" when she buys things for the church. It doesn't even do good to say it out loud. Because "attention" means different things to different people. I would start buy reading the Five Love Languages with her. I think they may have a workbook too. She will learn what is important to YOU, and you will learn what is important to HER. (Hint: A woman who feels loved and appreciated and cherished and understood is MUCH MORE likely to want to have sex than one who feels resentful and misunderstood.) If you both go into the project with GOOD INTENTIONS, and an open heart, and the willingness to let go of past hurts, just maybe things will get better for your marriage. You need to understand what she means when she says "I have to do everything around here." You may have had a negative reaction to that comment...what if instead, you hugged her, and said "I am sorry you feel that way. What could I do that would make things easier for you?" JUST changing that response could start turning things around. In other words - let go of defensiveness, and instead focus on giving love. See what happens... If after a few months of REALLY working on being more loving and positive, things are still bad, then it is better to move on than waste years on a bad marriage. Oh and use protection! Do not bring kids into this situation!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted August 5, 2016 Share Posted August 5, 2016 I am curious, did something happen in the past three, four months that may have changed things, for you or your spouse, or both? You say things were good while you were dating, and for the first nine months out of the year you've been married. Something may have triggered this change. I think Satu is correct that counseling could help. I am also curious whether you lived together prior to the marriage. Living under one roof takes some adjustments, and sometimes cohabitating allows you to make those adjustments before entering into the marriage. It sounds like it's possible one or both of you was not sure what you were getting into when you got married and now that you are realizing the kind of work a marriage takes to be successful, you are feeling stressed and having difficulty communicating. It sounds to me as if communication is the key. Counseling could do wonders in that area. "Hello, I need attention too" and "I need to do everything around here" are not effective ways to communicate your needs. You need to sit down together and work out more effective ways to communicate on a regular basis so you are meeting each others' needs and so you can build a happier life. If you love each other, I think it's entirely possible that you can save this relationship. But you need to work on it and improve the way you interact and communicate your needs. I wish you luck. KTB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 Get a divorce. Don't feel guilty. Each of you can move on to find someone that you can be happily married to. A good marriage takes some work, and sometimes counseling is needed, but a good marriage should not need SO MUCH work, especially in the first year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 Got something pissing you off? Then speak up and be heard. She has no problem doing it so why don't you? Lay it on the table and then let her know that we either fix it or move on. She's not a mind reader so tell her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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