I Think My BF Hates Me

[Jack's Gal]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm a new member. I've been in a serious relationship for the last three and a half years. We met online and have been velcroed ever since.

 

As is the cliché, everything was wonderful for the first six months. He was ideal, loving, reliable...you know the drill. I got hooked. Then he changed, or reverted back to himself.

 

At that point we were living together. He lost his job, I was supporting us. He went on unemployment and was supposed to find a job, he had 8 months to do so. I was so patient and generous, almost (shamely) a Stepford Wife type, because he was SO depressed about losing his job that I didn't want to rock the boat. Plus, I do love him.

 

He never got a job and I was leaving him in the spring of 2014 to move back to the mountains from the city. He acted aloof so I figured he didn't really want me, but he became desperate when I was going to leave so we stayed together and decided to pool our incomes and live a simple life in the mountains together. He was on welfare at the time and I live off a disability income.

 

The last few years have been terribly rocky with his emotional abuse getting worse, then disappearing, then getting worse again. Name-calling, swearing, mocking me, stone-walling, ignoring me...you name it.

 

He's younger than I am so I was chalking it up to his age and thinking that with time and experience, his communication skills would improve as he matured. No matter what approach I take to try to talk to him, he dismisses or turns it into an argument. Or worse, he acts like a rebellious teenager - putting me in the role of mommy chewing him out. It's so frustrating that it brings me to tears. He's very difficult, but then he says I'm difficult.

 

I'm feeling tired and reaching my limit. I've become overly sensitive, cautious (walking on eggshells) and my self-esteem really takes hit after hit every time he "tells me off". He acts as though he hates me. He's even said it, he's said that "maybe" he still loves me. It's a cycle of abuse because a day later, he runs to me desperately and tells me all the right things and shows me more affection than I've ever had in my life.

 

I KNOW it's a cycle of abuse, but I still forgive, hope for the best and try not to give up on him. Now he thinks he has borderline personality disorder, which, honestly, I was diagnosed with fifteen years ago and cured of through lots of honest and willing therapy. I spent 9 years working on it and I know how to manage it without medication. He's got all the signs I saw in myself.

 

I feel guilt for wanting to leave him when everyone in my life abandoned me during that time. I don't want to give up on him, but the fine line between giving up and reaching my limit is skewed right now.

 

I'm sorry, my post is everywhere, I'm just so lost at the moment. Thanks for reading and I'd love to have a conversation about this. I'm not isolated, I'm more of a hermit by choice because I'm not good with people generally speaking, so the only person close enough for me to talk about these things is my boyfriend, and that's not possible because I've tried and he dismisses me over and over where I've gotten to just agreeing with everything nasty he says about me, just to keep the peace.

 

Oh, and a little logistical information, we share a lease together until June 2017. Neither of us has lots of money to leave the other, so we're financially stuck. He has nobody to go to, nor do I. I feel as though I will have to pretend until next summer just to keep my sanity. He's so negative. He's nasty about 25% of the time. I think it's gotten to be too much for me, even with my big heart and my forgiving nature.

 

I know how easy it would be to give the response "dump him", but if that's a solution, please don't suggest it. Of course, I'm considering it, but I'm also hoping to find some kind of ray of hope or just support during this very difficult time. I have a history of depression and I feel that he's pulling me back down, misery loving company and all. But then that 75% of the time, he's prince charming. It's so confusing, I know that nobody has it perfect, but I don't know if I'm putting up with too much or not.

 

JG

[basil67]

My opinion is not what you want to hear. Sending you strength to do what you have to do.

[CarrieT]

I know how easy it would be to give the response "dump him", but if that's a solution, please don't suggest it.

Sorry, but based on everything else you have written, I don't see another solution.

 

You have spent inexhaustible time and effort to make things right for him to no avail.

 

I was in your shoes for a while with someone I was living with, but couldn't move. I actually made a make-shift "space" in the apartment that kept me separate from him when we both had to be there. Other than that, we lived separate lives until such time we could both move. It was uncomfortable, yes, but in the grand scheme of the timeline of my life, it was survivable.

[ChickiePops]

You have exactly 2 options. Either live this way until one of you cracks, or do what you don't want to do. Sorry.

 

After a while you're not a victim anymore..at this point you are a volunteer.

[Jack's Gal]

You have exactly 2 options. Either live this way until one of you cracks, or do what you don't want to do. Sorry.

 

After a while you're not a victim anymore..at this point you are a volunteer.

 

I feel like I'm his mother. I didn't have kids for a good reason, I don't WANT that problem (sorry to parents out there, but I'm just not kid-friendly).

 

Gosh you guys, OF COURSE I know that the best solution is to leave. How do people do it? Breaking up their relationships is one thing, but breaking up a family? My "family" isn't conventional, but we do share 3 dogs and 3 cats together. How can I even think of saying goodbye to any of them ABOVE saying goodbye to him?

 

I think that this is a big part of my heartache. I don't want to break up our "family" but then...he is instigating the break up.

 

See...I did years of therapy and I know everything the logical brain has to say....it's my emotions that eff me up continually.

[Jack's Gal]

Sorry, but based on everything else you have written, I don't see another solution.

 

You have spent inexhaustible time and effort to make things right for him to no avail.

 

I was in your shoes for a while with someone I was living with, but couldn't move. I actually made a make-shift "space" in the apartment that kept me separate from him when we both had to be there. Other than that, we lived separate lives until such time we could both move. It was uncomfortable, yes, but in the grand scheme of the timeline of my life, it was survivable.

 

Don't be sorry Carrie...I guess one of the reasons people seek anonymous advice is because they already know what to do, but lack the strength to do it. I honestly can say that I've spent 3 years trying to find a way. I've even read about different methods to approach him, when, where etc...

 

When I talk softly he says I sound too submissive. When I raise my voice I'm a "bitch" trying to air our "dirty laundry"...when I talk normal I'm "not sincere"....they are all diversionary tactics to avoid the subject and it's so frustrating.

 

I tried talking in bed, but then I'm "disrupting his sleep"...I tried talking in the shower, but then I was "ruining" the intimacy...I tried talking on the porch swing, but then I was "trying to get our neighbour to side with me" even though I was "whispering TOO loud"...

 

It's really devastating to try so hard to meet a brick wall no matter what. Today after such an incident, I decided to walk away. He came downstairs three hours later to enlighten me that he was "over it". I know better than to question what he means, but the issue was about him ignoring my needs and not addressing them. I used to say "as long as you're happy that's all that matters right?" and he'd walk away and give me the silent treatment for hours.

 

Now I just say "alright" hug him and quietly cry on my own that I'll never be understood and taken seriously. I'll never feel like I'm worthy of respect and love and importance. Really, he's messed up my view of myself, and I'm a strong women under all that weakness. I really feel lost.

[anna121]

How far away from friends and family do you live? You said you were in "the mountains"? What does that mean exactly?

[Jack's Gal]

How far away from friends and family do you live? You said you were in "the mountains"? What does that mean exactly?

 

Hi Anna. I live in a mountain village. But I have no family left. The one friend I have lives an 18 hour drive away. But I would never think of imposing myself and three dogs on her. They are farmers barely getting by.

 

I chose a solitary life because I am not socially adept. My bf is the only real "friend" (I guess) that I've had for three years besides my farmer friend. But again, I chose that life so I don't expect to lean on anyone but myself at this point.

 

I may have to do what was suggested by Carrie. Live separate lives until the lease ends and move away. He won't leave, he has it too good. Problem is that I know he'll make life hell for the next 10 months if I break up with him now. I feel like if I just pretend that all is okay, then in 8 months, break the news, at least I won't live in fear of constant anger and anxiety.

[Jack's Gal]

You know how people always say that abuse escalates. So far it's been verbal abuse and emotional abuse. Twice when I tried to hug him (over the last 2 years), he's pushed me away and I fell off the bed. He claims he was just pushing me off him, but I hurt myself the second time. Am I dumb? I really wonder if I should worry about physical abuse.

 

But you know, if I had a black eye, people would take my problem more seriously. Emotional abuse won't get you out of a legally binding lease unfortunately.

[ChickiePops]

Actually, people would take your problem more seriously if you didn't tell us not to give our honest opinions..which is to say..people would take you more seriously if you didn't beg us all not to tell you to dump this loser.

 

Dump this loser. No, there's no other option. Dump him, or let him abuse you. Only choices.

[Lois_Griffin]

You're looking for everyone to give you a magic answer so you can stay with this loser.

 

Ain't gonna happen. You WANT to stay and even you can't find a magic answer, so why do you think we'd have one for you?

 

I'm not sure if his lazy ass is still on welfare but if it is, it must be nice to be able-bodied but CHOOSE instead to just hang out at your mountain home all day long while other hardworking citizens SUPPORT you. That alone makes him disgustingly unappealing. But then when you add in what a complete social and emotional misfit he is, you just have yourself a complete failure as a human being.

 

Quite honestly, he knows on his 'limited' income (whatever the source of it might be) he can't afford to live anywhere else so of course he's going to keep sucking you in every time you say you want out. It would be extremely naive on your part to assume his 'need' to keep you around is purely emotional, because it's NOT. He very much needs your income. You can take that to the bank.

[Jack's Gal]

Thanks for the brutal honesty and kicking me when I'm down. I can feel the impatience and lack of empathy. But that's okay. I should have remembered how people are on these forums. Won't take any more of your time with my stupid problem.

[ChickiePops]

Thanks for the brutal honesty and kicking me when I'm down. I can feel the impatience and lack of empathy. But that's okay. I should have remembered how people are on these forums. Won't take any more of your time with my stupid problem.

 

It's not a lack of empathy. Not at all. What would you like people to say? You claim that he is emotionally abusing you and yet you won't do anything to change your situation.

 

There is no magical solution to your problems. I guarantee that if you ask anyone in your real life, they'll say the same thing.

 

When you are ready to do what you need to, you will.

 

Until then, best of luck to you.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you feel like you've been kicked down. Problem is, there is no way for this to be fixed without you leaving. The more blunt comments have the intention of trying to get you to see how it really is.

 

Peace