27 Year Anniversary - Is it worth it?

[OceanGal2]

Today is our 27th anniversary. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, more downs lately. In any case, my husband has not acknowledged it at all today. No card, words, or gift. I know he hasn't forgotten it as we are going out to eat tomorrow and discussed that earlier in the week. One of our daughters called to talk to him today, but hasn't called me. She and I have a tenuous relationship. She calls or messages her father almost every day, but only contacts me if she needs something and feels her father can't address it. Most of the contention is a result of how she felt she was disciplined as a teenager. My husband has always been our daughters "friend". They know he can't/won't say no to them. I have always been more of the disciplinarian (checking homework, setting curfew, having them clean their room, etc.). Our kids are good kids and have never done anything really bad, just normal kid stuff. Recently my oldest daughter accused me of emotionally abusing her when she was in high school and only talks to me when necessary. I admit she and I fought at times through her high school years and looking back their are some instances that I could have handled differently. Our issues were similar to what my friends and their teens were going through at the time. Only a few family members and friends know the situation and none of them believe she was abused.

 

The problem is the rift with my daughter has effected out marriage. My husband now talks with her about any discipline issues or concerns with the younger daughter to the older daughter. I feel that he and I should be discussing these things and have a united decision. Like I mentioned, my kids are good kids, and most of these are minor issues. Latest issue, now that school is starting up again I mentioned that we should install the cell phone curfew again (take it away at 10 pm). In the past she was staying up late playing games, texting friends, and not going to bed till after midnight. Then in the morning she didn't want to get up and it was a battle. My issue isn't the friends she's texting or the games she plays, it's the fact that it goes on too late. My daughter has told my husband I'm being too restrictive so he no longer wants to reinforce the cell phone curfew. The older daughter tells the younger how awful and abusive I am because of the rules. I am hurt that my husband doesn't support me.

 

I offered to move out for awhile and said I would see a counselor if that would help. My father suggested we go for family counseling. I've talked to my husband about it and he said he would go but then has never committed to a time.

 

Today is our 27th anniversary and there's no acknowledgement of it at all. I have a gift and card for him and I don't know if I should give it to him or not. One part of me says just skip it, the other part says be the bigger person and give it to him. I've always made sure that on every birthday, Christmas, Father's Day he had a gift or was acknowledged in some way. We rarely talk or do anything together. I'm getting to the point where I don't even feel like trying anymore. My youngest daughter will leave for college in 3 years and I'm not sure if I should stay or go. Any thoughts?

 

Thanks for reading, sometimes it just feels good to vent.

[GreyKitten87]

Phew, I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

First off, I would give him the card and present, be the bigger person so you don't look back on this and regret stooping to his level. Granted it's 27, not 30 years so he may just be a typical man and not see the importance of an anniversary or has he always gotten a card for your previous anniversaries?

 

Next, your husband's responsibility is to you first. It is absolutely wrong for him to go to a sibling for the issues with another sibling; those discussions and decisions are to be left between you as husband and wife.

 

Now, it's clear that your daughter feels slighted in some way, whether it's just or not I cannot say and it may be hard for you to truly see some of the damage that may have been caused when she was younger. I grew up in a family with mental and physical abuse and even I have forgiven my mother, but each situation is different, and no one can tell her whether to forgive or have a relationship with you (I do not think that is the main issue here). If all you have done is actually enforce rules like you listed, then I do not think you have overstepped any boundaries. One question I do have is how involved was your husband when the children were young? He may be overcompensating for not being a good father in the beginning by reverting to the friend position now to gain leverage (just a thought since I've seen it happen before).

 

You have already been in this for so many years (and it doesn't sound like any of this is new in your relationship) so I would say stick it out until she moves out in a few years for college if you can. If you had only been married for a few years I would say leave this loveless marriage now (at least that is what it sounds like). The main issue I see is that your husband goes to your daughter first and not you, that is not a normal dynamic. You do not deserve that and it goes against the bond of marriage. I would not tolerate my husband doing that. The fact that he has a different relationship with her than you do is fine and it sounds like you are used to that and accept it, but he should be discussing family and children issues with you, not her.

 

Sometimes it's nice to just vent so I hope you feel a little better. Good luck to you. I don't think you need to put up with this. Have you tried counseling? Do you even want to at this point or do you just want to hold up the facade until your daughter leaves?