Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[aileD]

Hello there, this is my first post.

 

I've been with my husband for almost 24 years, since we were 17. We have two teenage children.

 

We went through him being unfaithful once about 10 years ago, he ended up leaving me for a younger woman, only to suddenly come to his senses about four months in.

 

We have had our ups and downs. He has been more unhappy than I have in the relationship, feeling that I've rejected him and not cared about his feelings of loneliness and disconnection. I worked the overnight shift for a long time, which didn't help.

 

Last year, he started sleeping downstairs. I questioned him on it. He admitted he wasn't happy and thinking about divorce. I came home from work early one night and found him talking on the phone to someone...a girl.

 

Turns out she's 20 years old. He's completely in love with her, wanted to divorce so he could marry her. I was beside myself. Things were moving quick. Her parents found out and kicked her out of her home, he was ready to leave me right there to save her and I'm like "NO". LOL.

 

He let me into his life over the last year in an effort to see if we could save our marriage, but he never stopped seeing her. He'd break up with her, then go go back, break up, miss her, go back. This year has been a hell year of back of forth of him "figuring himself out".

 

Worse is that our kids found out. Now they know. I've been trying to keep my marriage together and hold on. Give him space. Go to counseling. He moved out and in with her for about two months awhile ago. Came back. We've agreed to divorce many times, then it's like reality for him and he can't do it.

 

This time, he's been gone about three weeks. It's different. he's literally living in his truck with this girl. Still "trying to figure myself out". he has only seen his son once in that time and his daughter not at all.

 

Today I told him that our marriage was over, sent him a nice email thanking him for all our years together and what not. He responded with anger. That I'm causing drama. When I told him I loved him, his was response was no I don't. I basically just told him that these are the facts, YOU LEFT ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You are living with her (albiet in a truck), you are looking for apartments with her. How can you say that you are still trying to "figure it out".

 

Again..anger and "are you serving me papers?, you say you want this but you dont serve me papers".

 

I'm just so confused. Why is he so upset that I'm ending things when he's literally making plans to be with another girl? He once told me yes they are looking for apartments, but in the $600 price range so IF HE LEAVES HER, she can afford it on her own.

 

I'm sitting at home with your kids and your life waiting for you to make a decision. You aren't....well. I realized, he did...That he made a decision by not being here at home and putting her first. I said he didn't leave me to be alone to figure things out, he left me to be with HER.

 

So why is he getting all pissed? Do you think he'll regret this? Do you think he wants the divorce?

[Mr. Lucky]

He let me into his life over the last year in an effort to see if we could save our marriage, but he never stopped seeing her. He'd break up with her, then go go back, break up, miss her, go back. This year has been a hell year of back of forth of him "figuring himself out".

 

Worse is that our kids found out. Now they know. I've been trying to keep my marriage together and hold on. Give him space. Go to counseling. He moved out and in with her for about two months awhile ago. Came back. We've agreed to divorce many times, then it's like reality for him and he can't do it.

 

This time, he's been gone about three weeks. It's different. he's literally living in his truck with this girl. Still "trying to figure myself out". he has only seen his son once in that time and his daughter not at all.

 

Today I told him that our marriage was over, sent him a nice email thanking him for all our years together and what not. He responded with anger. That I'm causing drama. When I told him I loved him, his was response was no I don't. I basically just told him that these are the facts, YOU LEFT ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You are living with her (albiet in a truck), you are looking for apartments with her. How can you say that you are still trying to "figure it out".

 

Again..anger and "are you serving me papers?, you say you want this but you dont serve me papers".

 

Apologies in advance for the tough love but, while I understand why, you've done almost everything wrong.

 

By appointing yourself - and your family - his back-up plan in case things don't work out with her, you've made it easy for him to test drive this new life with you waiting back in the old car. He hasn't had to "eat cake", you've mixed, baked and served it for him.

 

Actions have consequences and he needs to feel them. Who cares if he's angry, he's trashed your life. No more "nice emails", in fact other than necessary communication regarding the divorce there should be no contact at all. Read up on the 180, pinned at the top of the Separation/Divorce forum.

 

Sorry you're here . Accept that almost all your initial impulses to grab and hold on are useless and self-defeating, as he's proved time and again cheaters serve only their own agenda.

 

I'm sure lots of good advice coming. Welcome to Loveshack and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

He's cake eating. And you're allowing it. it stops when you say it does. Stop "giving him space." If he wants to be single then he should be single. If he wants to be married then he doesn't get to have a girlfriend.

Stop allowing this.

[aileD]

Well, yes I realized I put up with the back and forth.

 

That's why I said goodbye. I'm not going to be mean. There's been too much fighting during this last year.

 

He knows that I can't be a part of his life if he's with her. So I won't be contacting him.

 

I'm devastated but I can't make him change and he didn't beg me to stay.

 

He was just angry, making me feel like I was giving up on him.

[understand50]

Well, yes I realized I put up with the back and forth.

 

That's why I said goodbye. I'm not going to be mean. There's been too much fighting during this last year.

 

He knows that I can't be a part of his life if he's with her. So I won't be contacting him.

 

I'm devastated but I can't make him change and he didn't beg me to stay.

 

He was just angry, making me feel like I was giving up on him.

 

He gave up on you and the marriage along time ago. Time to move on. You are doing fine. Do not doubt yourself and don't look back

 

I wish you luck...

[Marc878]

Well, yes I realized I put up with the back and forth.

 

That's why I said goodbye. I'm not going to be mean. There's been too much fighting during this last year.

 

He knows that I can't be a part of his life if he's with her. So I won't be contacting him.

 

I'm devastated but I can't make him change and he didn't beg me to stay.

 

He was just angry, making me feel like I was giving up on him.

 

You can't fix him but you need to fix yourself. Never be someone's doormat again.

 

As far as his actions, etc. no one can understand cheater logic. You can never rationalize irrational behavior. Waste of time.

[S2B]

Can you see that he wasn't working on the marriage the past year? How could he focus on repairing the damage he caused when he was still dating another gal?

 

The real question is why have you allowed yourself to settle for so little from him?

 

He's a grown man - who should be connected to his family if he's married - and he should be working hard to be sure he supports and lives his family. Does he work? Is his money still going toward supporting the family?

 

Why isn't he doing that? Why stay?

 

If it were me I would have no need for a useless conversation - show him with actions by filing for divorce.

 

You deserve better!

[Steen719]

There are some similarities in our situations. My XH also cheated on me and then again 13 years later. When caught, he denied, lied and never quit talking to her every day. He was absolutely furious with me for divorcing him. I had been so easygoing and just kept going no matter what, he actually felt so angry that I was not going to continue in the same vein. I was floored. He did not really want me, he just was angry at me because I dared to leave. He wanted me to stay and be able to continue with her. It was NOT because he wanted to stay married because he loved me. He liked the stability, the house, etc., but wanted the OW as well.

 

Your H has made his choice. While he made regret it later, right now he is much more interested in his 20 year old. He is mad because you dare to leave him when he could have you both, his girlfriend and you, and while he is hedging his bets, you should just wait around. Cake eating, as katielee says. Believe me, I know how hard it is to not think about whether he will regret it, I did that, also. I thought about what he was thinking, did he miss me, would he want me back when he realized what a jerk he had been. When I came to my senses, I realized that it was just sad when he told me he wanted his family back. I realized that he might regret it, but it was more about what he had lost instead of what he had done to me or his son.

 

I really am sorry that you are in this situation. I know it must be hard to have stayed after the first time, only to have him do it again. Let him go. He has made it clear what his choice is. Don't give in to him when he tries to come back. If you even consider that, he needs to EARN it. He needs to be on his own and go to counseling to gain insight and work hard to come back - that is, if you want him back by the time he realizes what he has lost. I did not. I was past that by then.

 

P.S. No kidding - at first, I would dream of him and wake up with him not there and be so upset and finally, I would dream I had gone back with him and be so grateful it was a dream and not reality.

[MuddyFootprints]

Yes, he wants a divorce.

 

Yes, he expects you to initiate it and do all the work.

 

Yes, he is a coward.

 

And, yes. He will regret it.

 

*ETA: And, yes, he will play the victim.

Edited August 1, 2016 by MuddyFootprints

[Survivedtothriving]

I think his anger is coming from him "losing". He wants to remain married to you but also wants his girlfriend at the same time. You are taking control of your situation and he doesn't like that.

 

 

The OM my wife was with was a narcissist. He wanted to be in control of me, my wife and everyone involved in his life. He got angry with me and her because she ended the affair and that was not his plan. He threatened me because he wasn't in control of my wife anymore. He didn't see the affair as wrong. He was only concerned with himself and no one else.

 

 

I am not saying your husband will threaten you or is a narcissist, but it sounds like since he isn't in control of you (you aren't just doing what he wants you to do), he is mad.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm devastated but I can't make him change and he didn't beg me to stay.

 

With all due respect, if he did beg why would you ??? So you can be there when he cheats for the third time (that you know about)? Or so he can recharge his batteries with you before he goes back to his current GF?

 

aileD, you need a little righteous anger for the long road ahead. You've made him understand there's no transgression you won't rugsweep and forgive and he's interpreted that as a license to cheat.

 

He was just angry, making me feel like I was giving up on him.

 

You should and hopefully you are. He's made it all about him, time for you to return the favor...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Can you see that he wasn't working on the marriage the past year? How could he focus on repairing the damage he caused when he was still dating another gal?

 

The real question is why have you allowed yourself to settle for so little from him?

 

He's a grown man - who should be connected to his family if he's married - and he should be working hard to be sure he supports and lives his family. Does he work? Is his money still going toward supporting the family?

 

Why isn't he doing that? Why stay?

 

If it were me I would have no need for a useless conversation - show him with actions by filing for divorce.

 

You deserve better!

 

He works, I don't. He hasn't taken any money away. He lives off approx $120 per month and the rest goes to the family.

 

I don't think he's as heartless as you all think. Yes he's confused. Yes he does have narcissistic qualities. He had some trauma in his childhood so I can see that has greatly affected him . I married sickness and health and saw this is a sickness

[aileD]

With all due respect, if he did beg why would you ??? So you can be there when he cheats for the third time (that you know about)? Or so he can recharge his batteries with you before he goes back to his current GF?

 

aileD, you need a little righteous anger for the long road ahead. You've made him understand there's no transgression you won't rugsweep and forgive and he's interpreted that as a license to cheat.

 

 

 

You should and hopefully you are. He's made it all about him, time for you to return the favor...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I have no more anger left. Just sadness at my life lost, a father lost, my husband . It's just hard. I'm sure you've all been there

 

I miss him.

[bathtub-row]

Somewhere down the road he figured out that if he can put the guilt on you, you'll buy it. That's what his anger is probably about. It's him trying to sell you something that you don't really want to buy. In this case, his anger is his way of enforcing upon you that you're responsible for the situation. When, in reality, he knows that's a load of crap. The anger is a deflection so that you won't see through his real motives.

 

I learned a long time ago that it's a complete waste of time trying to understand the "whys". His actions tell you everything g you need to know.

 

And sorry to say this but this is exactly why people should not get married at a young age. The two of you were together and committed before you ever had a chance to spread your wings and discover yourselves and life. He probably resents this, even though he loves you.

Edited August 1, 2016 by bathtub-row

[aileD]

Somewhere down the road he figured out that if he can put the guilt on you, you'll buy it. That's what his anger is probably about. It's him trying to sell you something that you don't really want to buy. In this case, his anger is his way of enforcing upon you that you're responsible for the situation. When, in reality, he knows that's a load of crap. The anger is a deflection so that you won't see through his real motives.

 

I learned a long time ago that it's a complete waste of time trying to understand the "whys". His actions tell you everything g you need to know.

 

And sorry to say this but this is exactly why people should not get married at a young age. The two of you were together and committed before you ever had a chance to spread your wings and discover yourselves and life. He probably resents this, even though he loves you.

 

 

We were together since 17 but we did not get married until 24.

 

Ad you're probably right about the anger.

[S2B]

It's best if you decide what's going on - then take action for your best interest.

 

I'm really confused by your title... You do know what's going on. You just haven't done anything yet to help yourself move past his crappy behavior.

[aileD]

It's best if you decide what's going on - then take action for your best interest.

 

I'm really confused by your title... You do know what's going on. You just haven't done anything yet to help yourself move past his crappy behavior.

 

What if I just want I give up?

 

I was confused why he was angry at me for ending it when he clearly had already been moving on.

 

The forum wouldn't let me use the word "confused"

[S2B]

What if I just want I give up?

 

I was confused why he was angry at me for ending it when he clearly had already been moving on.

 

The forum wouldn't let me use the word "confused"

 

What are you "confused" about? I'm confused why you wouldn't divorce a man who treats you so terribly.

 

He acts mad at you so he doesn't have to be responsible for his bad behavior. He's deflecting - it's a very simple and immature manipulative tactic. Why are you even giving him any thought? He's just mean and terrible to you. I hope you will have higher expectations for how any man should treat you.

[Survivedtothriving]

What if I just want I give up?

 

I was confused why he was angry at me for ending it when he clearly had already been moving on.

 

The forum wouldn't let me use the word "confused"

 

What do you mean by "give up"?? On the relationship or on life?

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by aileD

We went through him being unfaithful once about 10 years ago, he ended up leaving me for a younger woman

he was ready to leave me right there to save her and I'm like "NO".

but he never stopped seeing her.

He let me into his life over the last year in an effort to see if we could save our marriage, but he never stopped seeing her

I've been trying to keep my marriage together and hold on. Give him space. Go to counseling.

he has only seen his son once in that time and his daughter not at all.

 

Your husband has been treating you like a dirty dish rag for YEARS! I really feel for you because you are weakened to the point that you are way to dependent on a man that cares much more about his selfishness than he does about you or his children and he has proven that for years! I realize that you may have to put up with him for a little while longer because you are so dependent on him for your emotions and financial security. However, you would be very foolish to not get a plan TODAY that will get you a lot more self-sufficient. It may take you quite some time to effectuate that plan and I am encouraging you get going NOW! WHY? Because if you do not effectuate your plan you will be reduced to a door mat that will not be any good for yourself or your children.

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by aileD

I don't think he's as heartless as you all think. Yes he's confused. Yes he does have narcissistic qualities. He had some trauma in his childhood so I can see that has greatly affected him. I married sickness and health and saw this is a sickness

 

If you are determined to keep your dependence on this man then there is nothing I can say that will help you.

[S2B]

Do you work? Can you support yourself?

 

Do you realize he will be ordered to pay you and the kids support money once you file for divorce?

[Lois_Griffin]

We went through him being unfaithful once about 10 years ago, he ended up leaving me for a younger woman, only to suddenly come to his senses about four months in.

I know that's what you'd like to believe, but it's more likely that he simply discovered that life with the OW wasn't quite the Shanghai-la they both thought it would be. Once outside the fantasy of their affair and living in real life, their perfect little world wasn't quite so perfect. Nothing new there.

We have had our ups and downs. He has been more unhappy than I have in the relationship, feeling that I've rejected him and not cared about his feelings of loneliness and disconnection. I worked the overnight shift for a long time, which didn't help.

Wow. This is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. HE'S feeling rejected after he deserted you for his OW years ago? This guy is a real piece of self-absorbed work.

Last year, he started sleeping downstairs. I questioned him on it. He admitted he wasn't happy and thinking about divorce. I came home from work early one night and found him talking on the phone to someone...a girl.

You should have NEVER given this guy a second chance 10 years ago. Anyone capable of deserting their wife and family for their OW has shown you, loud and clear, how low they're able to sink. Unfortunately, your rose-colored glasses were still too firmly in place.

Turns out she's 20 years old. He's completely in love with her, wanted to divorce so he could marry her. I was beside myself. Things were moving quick. Her parents found out and kicked her out of her home, he was ready to leave me right there to save her and I'm like "NO". LOL.

You should have thrown his sh*t in some Hefty bags and kicked his ass to the curb.

Today I told him that our marriage was over, sent him a nice email thanking him for all our years together and what not. He responded with anger. That I'm causing drama. When I told him I loved him, his was response was no I don't. I basically just told him that these are the facts, YOU LEFT ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You are living with her (albiet in a truck), you are looking for apartments with her. How can you say that you are still trying to "figure it out".

I have to assume you're co-dependent. This is the SECOND time this low-life has deserted you and his children, and you're telling him you LOVE him? You need to find your dignity.

 

Again..anger and "are you serving me papers?, you say you want this but you dont serve me papers".

 

I'm just so confused. Why is he so upset that I'm ending things when he's literally making plans to be with another girl? He once told me yes they are looking for apartments, but in the $600 price range so IF HE LEAVES HER, she can afford it on her own.

 

I'm sitting at home with your kids and your life waiting for you to make a decision. You aren't....well. I realized, he did...That he made a decision by not being here at home and putting her first. I said he didn't leave me to be alone to figure things out, he left me to be with HER.

So why is he getting all pissed? Do you think he'll regret this? Do you think he wants the divorce?

I implore you to get therapy. Why are you clinging like grim death to this POS? He's completely disrespected you more times than you can count, he's deserted his children at LEAST twice, and here you are, wondering if this lying cheating worthless excuse for a human being will come back to you.

 

Please, see a therapist.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, yes I realized I put up with the back and forth.

 

That's why I said goodbye. I'm not going to be mean. There's been too much fighting during this last year.

 

He knows that I can't be a part of his life if he's with her. So I won't be contacting him.

 

I'm devastated but I can't make him change and he didn't beg me to stay.

 

He was just angry, making me feel like I was giving up on him.

No, AileD. What you did was throw out the divorce card and hope and pray it would scare him enough to come running back home.

 

You should have given up on him a LONG time ago.

[Lois_Griffin]

He works, I don't. He hasn't taken any money away. He lives off approx $120 per month and the rest goes to the family.

 

I don't think he's as heartless as you all think. Yes he's confused. Yes he does have narcissistic qualities. He had some trauma in his childhood so I can see that has greatly affected him . I married sickness and health and saw this is a sickness

OMG. Stop making excuses for him. Most of us can state that we too have had some kind of 'trauma' in our childhoods but it doesn't justify deserting your wife and children every time you get an itch.

 

Read up about co-dependency. Seriously.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have no more anger left. Just sadness at my life lost, a father lost, my husband . It's just hard. I'm sure you've all been there

 

If you have something valuable - say a heirloom ring - you misplace, sadness and regret are appropriate emotions. But if someone robs you of it, I'd think you'd feel differently. Your husband's actions aren't impulsive, knee-jerk or spontaneous, he's planned, thought through and carefully navigated both the original deception and subsequent back-and-forth with this girl. He's not "lost", he's intentionally crossed over.

 

I married sickness and health

 

I wonder why you don't hold him to the same standard...

 

Mr. Lucky