Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[S2B]

You know exactly what's going on.

 

The questions is - what do YOU plan to DO to make a better life for yourself?

 

In order to get good things in your life you must be willing to get rid of the garbage...

 

It's time for YOu to change things for yourself.

[ShatteredLady]

You know that I feel desperately for you in your situation. I've been thinking about it a lot. Can I ask...Was his first affair with a very young girl? Does this current girl look mature for her age? She isn't intellectually or emotionally mature.

 

Given his abuse it concerns me that he's basically shacked-up in a car with a child! Some 21 year olds are very mature. This one is not.

 

I don't know if I could give him a chance or not but he MUST leave this girl alone or I wouldn't, I just couldn't. It's beyond cruel for him to continue torturing all of the people he claims to love. Why will he not STOP??? Please don't tell me he's being manipulated by that child!!

[S2B]

Living out of his car when he could be living in a home...

 

My first thought/question is...

 

Is he doing drugs? It's possible.

[aileD]

You know that I feel desperately for you in your situation. I've been thinking about it a lot. Can I ask...Was his first affair with a very young girl? Does this current girl look mature for her age? She isn't intellectually or emotionally mature.

 

Given his abuse it concerns me that he's basically shacked-up in a car with a child! Some 21 year olds are very mature. This one is not.

 

I don't know if I could give him a chance or not but he MUST leave this girl alone or I wouldn't, I just couldn't. It's beyond cruel for him to continue torturing all of the people he claims to love. Why will he not STOP??? Please don't tell me he's being manipulated by that child!!

 

How can we chat privately?

[ShatteredLady]

Read & post advise for others. You need a certain number of posts (I think it's 50 & then you can private message) I would give you my email if anyone knows how I could do that privately?

[aileD]

Living out of his car when he could be living in a home...

 

My first thought/question is...

 

Is he doing drugs? It's possible.

 

No he's not doing drugs. Unless you count this girl as an addiction!

 

I won't condone what he's doing, and I don't support it. I don't give him money for gas or food, when he says his back hurts from sleeping in a truck bed, or it's too hot and he can't afford gas for AC so he ends up getting eaten alive by mosquitos,or he misses the kids, I just say "well. You have a bed, you have a home".

 

His reasoning is that he needs to go thru this on his on own and learn his lessons his way and the hard way.

 

Yess fine, I know. But he has a family and he's being selfish. HE IS.

 

But, he is growing and I see it. Even if we don't stay together at least he is now confronting demons he was unable to before. Maybe I am too close. Maybe I know too much history. Maybe he is too embarrassed and he feels ashamed.

 

Maybe he needs to do this. I don't know

 

Yes I know all the signs, the lies, the typical MM mantra. I've done so much research but nothing I have found talks about the one specific different hurdle that we have. That he has.

 

So. I don't know. I keep saying I don't know the right thing to do. But he's hitting rock bottom and I might just need to let him figure it out for himself.

[aileD]

You know that I feel desperately for you in your situation. I've been thinking about it a lot. Can I ask...Was his first affair with a very young girl? Does this current girl look mature for her age? She isn't intellectually or emotionally mature.

 

Given his abuse it concerns me that he's basically shacked-up in a car with a child! Some 21 year olds are very mature. This one is not.

 

I don't know if I could give him a chance or not but he MUST leave this girl alone or I wouldn't, I just couldn't. It's beyond cruel for him to continue torturing all of the people he claims to love. Why will he not STOP??? Please don't tell me he's being manipulated by that child!!

 

First girl was 21 also and a train wreck. Drugs, self harm, messed up. Didn't take long for the rose colored glasses to shatter..

 

No this girl does not look mature, at least I don't think so. She seems more mature on the surface but just look at her post, you can tell she's still in the teen infatuation love thing.

 

He's not attracted to young in a pedophile way if that's what you are thinking. I've pointed out other 21 year olds, to him like our cousins kids and asked if he found them desirable. He said no. He sees them as kids, he just doesnt see her as a kid. Because she's so mature beyond her years.?

[ShatteredLady]

It's so hard when you've spent a lifetime with someone sharing everything.

 

I'm regularly reminded that I make excuses for my H & I do! Your situation is so extreme. Ugh! I'd be loosing my mind....what little I have left of it after being subjected to almost a year of my H's gaslighting before I learnt the truth!

 

((((Hugs))))

[ShatteredLady]

Has he always had a Knight in oh so shiny armor syndrome? Does he feel 'connected' because they're even more screwed-up than him?

[aileD]

Also I think these girls see my husband as a good catch.

 

He is very kind speaking, has been in top company positions each workplace the affair happened in, makes decent money (in theory as we have a lot of debt), drives a nice truck, fit, living the dream right?

 

Why wouldn't some 21 year old just starting out in life want to land someone like that?

 

He thrives on the attention and let it go too far. I have my own psychological ideas of why he needs that constant adoration.

[ShatteredLady]

Yeh she kept bragging that's he's a CEO!

 

It's still weird! At 21 I wouldn't of been attracted to him. I saw 40 year olds as such old men!! (I'm 40 now...how did that happen?? Hahaha!)

 

I worked in an industry where a LOT of MM were having affairs. I could never understand the young girls who got themselves involved with them....until I learnt how screwed-up the girls were for one reason or another.

 

Affairs are all about ego strokes. Ugh!!!

[ShatteredLady]

Does he truly comprehend the damage that he's doing to his FAMILY? You & his CHILDREN?

 

I know affairs are selfish but this is completely crazy!

 

I'm so sorry.

[Lobe]

How can you say that you are still trying to "figure it out".

 

Again..anger and "are you serving me papers?, you say you want this but you dont serve me papers".

 

So why is he getting all pissed? Do you think he'll regret this? Do you think he wants the divorce?

 

He wants to eat cake, obviously. And you're permitting him to do so, permitting him to manipulate you by saying he is confused. He's not confused - he has both you and his girlfriend exactly where he wants you - in his control.

 

So really, I agree with him - if you're serious about a divorce, why haven't you served him yet? Time to lay it on the line. Serve him. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

[ladydesigner]

Yeh she kept bragging that's he's a CEO!

 

It's still weird! At 21 I wouldn't of been attracted to him. I saw 40 year olds as such old men!! (I'm 40 now...how did that happen?? Hahaha!)

 

I worked in an industry where a LOT of MM were having affairs. I could never understand the young girls who got themselves involved with them....until I learnt how screwed-up the girls were for one reason or another.

 

Affairs are all about ego strokes. Ugh!!!

 

Totally when I think about my WH's A with the MOW, she was only 25 at the time and my WH was 42, I just think wow she could have the pickings out there but she chose my 40+ WH with wrinkles embedded into his forehead and a pot belly she probably looked up at while she was doing the deed. I would not have been caught dead with someone like that in my early 20's just eeeewwwww comes to mind!

[ShatteredLady]

I know it's not something that any of the WH's on here want to consider.... ALL the girls I've known who have had affairs with much older men had Dads who cheated on their Mum's.

 

Even the girl we're talking about here admitted on the other forum that she wished her parents had divorced because of her fathers adultery.

 

What breaks my heart as a BS is these girls seem to have very broken relationships with their MOTHERS!

 

I've vowed that if my H ever has another A its divorce regardless of reasons. I can't stand the thought of my sweet baby girl servicing some pot bellied middle aged man in the back of his car before he rushes home to his family!! I want her to have a 'normal' happy life....I still believe that there can be such a thing.

[aileD]

Yes he told me that he dad had an affair on her mom and left for a year or some long period of time, I don't know how old she was but he once said one of the things that concerned him was that she wanted her parents to divorce so badly. He said to her that he sees it as her mom was loving enough to forgive him and it made him worry that if they had issues somewhere down the line she would go to divorce as the first option?

 

She obviously has daddy issues because before my husband she was sleeping with one of her college course teachers. Also 40+ and married with two little kids ---one of them an infant at the time (thank you Facebook).

 

when I broke into his emails awhile ago. I saw correspondence over months that my WS was worried about her contact with this other guy. She always assured him, but of course went right back to sleeping with him during one of the times my husband broke it off with her.

 

I don't know her motivation. I hate her beyond words, but she's a KID. How can I expect her to understand?

[aileD]

Has he always had a Knight in oh so shiny armor syndrome? Does he feel 'connected' because they're even more screwed-up than him?

 

He likes to be needed and feel important in that way. I have my ideas why based on his past and he needs to do the work on himself (he has started the process of counseling) to change that and realize how his past contributed

[S2B]

Change comes from you - when you change things.

 

Since you don't intend to change it then you should expect it to stay the same.

 

No one can help you when you won't help yourself.

 

Best wishes.

[ladydesigner]

He likes to be needed and feel important in that way. I have my ideas why based on his past and he needs to do the work on himself (he has started the process of counseling) to change that and realize how his past contributed

 

My WH is bottomless pit of needing to feel important. F*ck them!

[Mr Blunt]

By S2B

 

Change comes from you - when you change things.

 

Since you don't intend to change it then you should expect it to stay the same.

No one can help you when you won't help yourself.

 

 

Yes S2B, she will not help herself. She dodges and will not answer the questions I asked her (reprinted below) because they make her look at reality. They also will help her see that she has to help herself more. However, as S2B has stated she does not intend to change so she will become a door mat

 

 

 

1 Do you want to take that chance that he will get better?

 

2 Do you want to take the chance that if he gets better he will do better?

 

3 Can your emotions and self-esteem keep from being shattered as you hold on to him?

 

4 LOGICALLY, are you and the children better of hoping he will get better; in other words are you better off with him or without him? Do not let emotions give you the answer. Allow your professionals counselors to help you with this.

 

 

5 How long can I hang on while the children are being damaged?

 

6 How long can I hang on before I become a total door mat and not able to be of help for myself and my children?

 

7 What do you think the chances of him recovering his self so that he is strong enough to help you and the children?

 

8 If you believe that he is going to stop his selfishness and get strong enough, how many years do you think that will take?

 

9 Do you have that many years before you crack?

[S2B]

"Become a doormat"?

 

I am making suggestions that may help her "stop being his doormat".

 

 

From what she's typed - she's already been his doormat for a long time.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[aileD]

Yes S2B, she will not help herself. She dodges and will not answer the questions I asked her (reprinted below) because they make her look at reality. They also will help her see that she has to help herself more. However, as S2B has stated she does not intend to change so she will become a door mat

 

 

 

1 Do you want to take that chance that he will get better?

 

2 Do you want to take the chance that if he gets better he will do better?

 

3 Can your emotions and self-esteem keep from being shattered as you hold on to him?

 

4 LOGICALLY, are you and the children better of hoping he will get better; in other words are you better off with him or without him? Do not let emotions give you the answer. Allow your professionals counselors to help you with this.

 

 

5 How long can I hang on while the children are being damaged?

 

6 How long can I hang on before I become a total door mat and not able to be of help for myself and my children?

 

7 What do you think the chances of him recovering his self so that he is strong enough to help you and the children?

 

8 If you believe that he is going to stop his selfishness and get strong enough, how many years do you think that will take?

 

9 Do you have that many years before you crack?

 

1. Of course

 

2. He is going to counseling which is something he has always been against in the past and he is seeing that there is something wrong with him...so I'd like to see how that goes. So yes

 

3. I'm trying. I'm gong to counseling which is new for me too. Learning a lot about myself too.

 

4. He has been a good husband and father for all but 2 years of our almost 24 together. So LOGICALLY yes we would be better off with him if he can work toward being Healthy. And yes we talk about this in therapy. Can I be without him? Sure I'm capable. I can do it. Do I throw him away because of this? I don't know yet. Like I said. The situation is the same and his past is...different.. Harder. And it's all coming out now. So I throw away this man who has been through so much because he's messing up right now? Do I teach my kids you give up when your loved ones are sick? Like I said I struggle.

 

5. I don't know the answer to this and I'm doing my best to be open with the kids about the hardships and struggles. They are suffering and will continue to suffer through a divorce too. This is my biggest area where I struggle with what's right which I said before

 

6. I will never not be able to help myself or my kids.

 

7. I have faith in him that he can heal from his childhood trauma. He is actually doing something about it now and realzing how it has affected him. Together or not I support him in this and will be there for him

 

8. I don't know. I think the two differ. Obviously I can wait longer for him to be strong enough to help me and kids but the selfishness (affair) timeframe is shorter

 

9. I'm not the psycho I was made out to be in the OWs post. I'll know my limit when I get there.

 

I'm not trying to not take advice but you guys are also not in my life. I can't possibly write down every detail here of my life that makes me feel this way

 

im not discounting anything anyone says and I thank you all for your advice as harsh as some of it may be

Edited August 3, 2016 by aileD
Spelling

[Miss Clavel]

brass tacks. this "girl" has taken everything she can get from you. everything. it's time to change the locks on the house she mentioned that you will not be able to keep. cuz she says so.

 

get a divorce so you will no longer be financially tied to "them".

 

let.him.go. he's already gone. the rest of what happens to them, down to where they park their car is NONE of your business. at all. they live in the gutter, in the street. they have sex in her car. hellooo???? step over them and move on.

 

see a lawyer. take control of your life and the lives of your children. how much more shame and humiliation do they have to heap on you before you vomit??? omg. i cringe and i don't even know them.

 

p.s. children of a certain age will not be forced to do visitation. ever.

[aileD]

So I talked to him this morning.

 

He broke it off with her last night. He will be spending time by himself.

 

That's all I'll say here.

[Just a Guy]

Hi aile, you came to this forum looking for advice on what you could do in your situation to resolve the big problem you are facing in your married life. You have been given a lot of good advice and people here have analysed your situation for you quite clearly and emphatically. Right through you have avoided the hard choices offered as advice to you and which would have put you in a position of control. It is obvious that you are not going to act on any of the advice offered by the good people here and you have decided that you are going to maitain status quo. In the event I do not understand why you came to this forum and what you hoped to gain from the dicission of your situation here. You might as well have remained invisible and continued to wallow in your misery as that is what seems to satisfy you.

I am sorry for appearing to be harsh or unsympathetic towards you but the fact is that there is a saying which goes like this. 'God helps those who help themselves'. You do not really want to help yourself and take control of your life. So be it but then why come here unless you want the sympathy of others. Sympathy is not going to solve your problems but decisive action will. You have threatened your husband with divorce many times but you have not acted on it. This has given your husband the confidence that you will NEVER divorce him and that he can do whatever he so pleases and you will always be waiting in the wings for him. You have said that you have beem married for almost 24 years and except for the last two years it has been a good marriage. Well you also said that ten years ago he cheated on you and went off with the OW for a while. So at the 14 year mark you had a wreck from which you emerged battered but alive. The fact is that even if your husband recovers from this episode what guarantee do you have he will not stray in the future? Do you want to live your life always dreading what is going to happen at the next bump in your lives? I think that is a sad commentary on your values and your ability to respect yourself. A long marriage is no guarantee that everything is hunky dory. Look at the example of AL Gore and his wife. They separated after forty years of marriage! In their case there was no infidelity involved as far as I know. In your case a divorce is the only way your husband will come to his senses. If you divorce you can remarry him after a suitable period of time if you find he has turned over a new leaf. However, the control will rest with you and you will be in the driver's seat. If any of this makes sense to you then I hope you will take decisive action to improve your lot. If not then I wish you all the very best for your future. Warm wishes.

Edited August 3, 2016 by Just a Guy