Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[Lobe]

Then, when he did, I forgot these consequences I'd promised. Going to have to mull this over a bit ...

 

What purpose would following through on the "consequences" serve now?

 

In the OPs case, the consequences need to be swift and timely - her hubby sounds a bit like if he's left to meander on too long a leash he's likely to hang himself...

[merrmeade]

What purpose would following through on the "consequences" serve now?

 

In the OPs case, the consequences need to be swift and timely - her hubby sounds a bit like if he's left to meander on too long a leash he's likely to hang himself...

You're right. And my point was that it DID work in making the NC letter work that way it shoiuld

[aileD]

One of the hard things is the OW's mother works in the same building as WS. So in the past, she always found a way to be there somehow to run into. "Oh just here for lunch with mum". During previous NC, He used to park his truck in somewhat hidden spots so if she drove by it would look like he wasn't there, he'd leave early before she got off work, etc. She is very persistent. I know it's up to him to keep NC...it just is an added hurdle. I found out today her mom is trying to find a new job so that is good.

 

He knows that he will have to

- have NC with her for life.

- change work schedule to be more consistent

- open book, open phone, passwords

- therapy IC and MC.

- possible change his phone number

- notify me if she makes contact

- if he leaves me to be with her, I can't be in his life at all anymore. Not as a friend, nothing. He is old enough to make plans with the kids on his own. Not to be a bitch but for my own mental health I can't see him with her, I can't see her living MY life with MY husband. No. (This freaks him out)

 

He needs to deal with the withdrawal, and Her persistence before he's back in the house.

 

Thing is, she knows it's coming. They talk about it. She knows what it will mean. So I hope she comes to a point of acceptance if/when he leaves her.

 

I'm the past she's talked about moving with family to PR if he left her and I hope she does do that.

 

We are also in the middle of building a cabin. It is going to be weird this weekend because we had made plans for a bunch of friends to come help us do the roof and one other stuff. No one knows anything. I haven't seen him except a few mins here and there in three weeks. I don't know what to expect.

[Lobe]

He knows that he will have to

- have NC with her for life.

- change work schedule to be more consistent

- open book, open phone, passwords

- therapy IC and MC.

- possible change his phone number

- notify me if she makes contact

- if he leaves me to be with her, I can't be in his life at all anymore. Not as a friend, nothing. He is old enough to make plans with the kids on his own. Not to be a bitch but for my own mental health I can't see him with her, I can't see her living MY life with MY husband. No. (This freaks him out)

 

This sounds like you have your bottom lines.

 

I know how awkward it can be spending time with your WS in the aftermath - I wish you strength and serenity.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm pleased for you that he's at least making a change. Where is he staying? (I understand if you can't say here. You're getting closer to enough posts to PM!)

 

We've all been through nightmares here & several of us aren't anywhere close to being 'over it' & don't hate our spouses. We're here to support you through whatever choices you feel as best for you & your life.

 

Best wishes. Neither reconciliation or divorce are easy options when you've spent your entire adult life loving someone. You're living an unimaginably hard life at the moment. I truly hope that things get better for you SOON. There's only so much that one can endure & retain sanity & any smidge of self-esteem. Ugh! I know!

[Mr. Lucky]

She is very persistent.

 

Every BS knows it's convenient to blame the OW if they reconcile, often with the WS's encouragement. Be careful, it's a slippery slope.

 

I doubt she went anywhere she wasn't invited or did anything she wasn't encouraged to do. Your H should be your focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SweetiePi]

I understand exactly how you feel Aile. I have similar thoughts and views. No one would blame me for leaving him, but I'm trying to stick it out because we have built a life together and shared many good times. I will only fight it out if he is willing to fully come clean though.

 

 

yes a separation agreement is a good idea. I can look into that.

 

He is clearly having a breakdown and I don't feel right just saying "well eff it, you're too effed up for me". I'll try to help him as best I can, and it seems like he's doing the work and getting into the healing so why would I write him off now? I would never forgive myself. What if he can get past this, heal HIMSELF and we are able to restore our relationship? When there is a chance of that I will fight for my relationship, it's just how I am.... if he can't push thru this, then there is no choice and I understand that.

[aileD]

Every BS knows it's convenient to blame the OW if they reconcile, often with the WS's encouragement. Be careful, it's a slippery slope.

 

I doubt she went anywhere she wasn't invited or did anything she wasn't encouraged to do. Your H should be your focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, she is relentless and he is weak too. It's a perfect (?) combination for disaster. Which is why he needs to be alone until she's really gone.

 

I know how persistent she is because when he broke it off once before after some lies on her part, she started calling ME and begging to speak with him one more time. Of course I said no then she cornered him in a parking lot....he being weak was weak.

 

He knows that the back and forth isn't just causing more damage, which is why he is staying away for now to make sure he doesn't wobble again.

 

It's only been like a day lol. I'm way overanalyzing everything.

 

I just found out my grandmother is dying. She's 92 and isn't eating anymore, it's just a matter of time. It's one thing after another, I really need my husband here for support ?

[aileD]

I understand exactly how you feel Aile. I have similar thoughts and views. No one would blame me for leaving him, but I'm trying to stick it out because we have built a life together and shared many good times. I will only fight it out if he is willing to fully come clean though.

 

Once I have 50 posts we can chat. Lol.

 

I know the struggle

[Mr Blunt]

I just found out my grandmother is dying. She's 92 and isn't eating anymore, it's just a matter of time. It's one thing after another, I really need my husband here for support ?

 

If your husband gives you lots of support and forgets about his selfish concerns then that will be one test that will give you more hope

[aileD]

If your husband gives you lots of support and forgets about his selfish concerns then that will be one test that will give you more hope

 

Yes so true, I was thinking the same thing.

 

Well, so far today it appears they havent spoken. She usually calls him 10-15 times a day (per the phone bill). Nothing since mid day yesterday.

 

I know that may not mean there's no contact at all, but it's promising. And different from the norm.

 

I'm hopeful but just watching from a distance.

[Lobe]

Yes so true, I was thinking the same thing.

 

Well, so far today it appears they havent spoken. She usually calls him 10-15 times a day (per the phone bill). Nothing since mid day yesterday.

 

I know that may not mean there's no contact at all, but it's promising. And different from the norm.

 

I'm hopeful but just watching from a distance.

 

Her number should be blocked and not even register as incoming...

[aileD]

Her number should be blocked and not even register as incoming...

 

Maybe it is. He has an android, I have an iphone. I don't knew anything about androids.

 

I used to block her # via our cell carrier but then They would just chat via whatsapp or other services and I would have no idea.... I told him once they when he does that it uses all our data and costing us money we don't have. I unblocked her and now can see when he calls/texts her.

 

I haven't talked to him at at all about it since he said he was ending it with her. I'm just letting it see how it goes for now. He has to do this on his own.

Edited August 4, 2016 by aileD

[SweetiePi]

That would be nice. I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. I hope he can be a good man and be there for you through this. The separation agreement other's have suggested is a great idea.

 

 

I'm one that doesn't want to flush 15 years down the drain when there has been many wonderful times with him. I understand why you are making the choices you are. I don't see you as a weak person, but as a forgiving person that is trying to work hard to save your marriage.

 

 

I am not an angel and have not been the best wife over the years - he feels I was neglecting him sexually (it was after my mom died and I was grieving hard that sex was on the backburner). I have forgiven him, but I can't wrap my head around what my H did. I didn't see it coming or any signs. Maybe it was cause I trusted him so much and never thought to snoop. At this point I have separated from him to give some breathing room. He needs to get tested as I am getting tested. He needs to figure out his sexuality and preferences. I feel like a shell of a woman for not being able to please him. my confidence and self esteem took a huge hit.

 

 

Once I have 50 posts we can chat. Lol.

 

I know the struggle

Edited August 4, 2016 by SweetiePi

[Mr Blunt]

AileD

Thank you for answering my questions. You are braver than I thought!

 

By Blunt

7 What do you think the chances of him recovering his self so that he is strong enough to help you and the children?

 

By aileD

7. I have faith in him that he can heal from his childhood trauma. He is actually doing something about it now and realizing how it has affected him. Together or not I support him in this and will be there for him

 

 

By Blunt

8 If you believe that he is going to stop his selfishness and get strong enough, how many years do you think that will take?

 

By AileD

8. I don't know. I think the two differ. Obviously I can wait longer for him to be strong enough to help me and kids but the selfishness (affair) timeframe is shorter

 

 

AileD, you are not only braver than I thought but you have more faith and hope in your husband than I do. Childhood trauma such as your husband had is very hard to recover from 100%. In addition, your husband has waited for many years before he addressed that situation which makes it even harder. Also, your husband has shown a lot of disrespect of you and his children and has repeated that twice that you know of. I am not saying your husband cannot rehabilitate, I am just saying that the chances are very low and he may not rehabilitate to a very high degree IMO. He was severely damaged in childhood and he has severely damaged himself in adulthood.

 

Of course I do not know your husband as good as you and I hope that you prove me 100% wrong! You are too good of a woman to endure such abuse for another day!

[aileD]

Thank you Mr. Blunt.

 

I'm just tying my best. I do love him. I don't want to give up yet.

 

He's said he knows he can't be happy with her, that he can't find peace.

 

I just don't know how much being alone I can handle. I had to go to a wedding tonight and bring my daughter instead of him. It sucked. Not my daughter part but hearing the vows and being around family without him. Answering questions. Seeing the love.

 

Just sucks

[OneLov]

Whatever you do: Do not communicate to him, in any way shape or form, verbally or nonverbally, that you are unsure of "how much being alone (you) can handle." IMO, that would result in pushing him further away.

[aileD]

I've been trying to hold off this week on talking to him too much.

 

I know we will be spending the weekend together so I hope we can talk then.

[Mr Blunt]

I'm just tying my best. I do love him. I don't want to give up yet.

 

He is a lucky man....make sure that you take care of yourself as your children need you and your children cannot depend on your husband....your children will always be your children but your husband may not always be your husband.

[aileD]

Tomorrow I drive out to western part of the state to work on the cabin that me and WS have been building. It's going to be the first time I've seen him in awhile.

 

I'm very shaky and emotional. This was planned before he left and we will be around people that don't know anything.

 

I don't know how I'm going to hold it together.

 

Planning on camping in the finished part of the cabin and don't know how I can even think about being there in this place I'm building and putting my heart into when it might not even be someplace I can ever be. A place that SHE might be sleeping in instead.

 

It all just makes me too sad, I don't even want to go but I have no choice. WS is still not home, I haven't asked him about her or if he's still seeing her and I don't know where we are.

 

I just want to hide away and cry.

Edited August 6, 2016 by aileD
Typos

[ShatteredLady]

For the love of!!!!! Bloody Hell!!! What the **** are you doing?????

 

S**t you're so like me!

 

You don't need to do this. You will end-up holding so much excruciating, resentment. Please don't ask me how I know!

 

I STILL believe that my H was having a nervous break when he started his A with her over 12 YEARS ago. I STILL believe that taking prescription antidepressants this time (AND 12 years ago) played a part in his behavior.

 

Don't we have to wake-up one day & admit that we enable their behaviors & stop them emotionally maturing?

 

For some it's wonderful to spend all of your lives together....for others? Not so much! Nature/nurture. The latest 'science' says its 50/50. If we've lived together through our formative years aren't we at least a bit responsible for their behaviors?

 

 

I'm just thinking out loud. Hasn't been a great week! I might argue with everything I've just said next week!!

[ChickiePops]

He left you. He's no longer your wandering spouse..he's your ex. And you really and truly do have a choice. The one you're making is the wrong one.

[wmacbride]

I struggle with this. I did promise to love my husband in sickness and health and I do believe he is sick. He has some extremely deep trauma in his past and I know that does not make it an excuse. However, the first infidelity incident was about 12 years ago (not 10 now that I think about it). You may remember the priest scandal of that time. That's all I'll say on that as I'm sure you get he point. however, we were going through a court case, lawyer meetings, police interviews and a trial bringing back all the trauma that was never dealt with.

 

So I was devastated of course with two kids under 5. He did realize he was making a huge mistake and we tried counseling for a bit but he never did personal counseling

 

He never cheated in these 12 years.

 

This year- 12 years later- the man was paroled. Again, pressure of phone calls and letters from victim advocate detailing everything, cops in a different state trying to build another case and wanting WS to be involved, a dangerousness hearing that could have kept him in prison longer but the judge totally disregarded the psych review etc

 

That on top of us growing distant over the last 8 years of me working overnight shifts.

 

He does tend to find ways to "escape" from dealing with difficult things. There is addiction and suicide in his family, mostly alcohol and pills. Those things aren't my husbands addiction. Affection and feeling needed and wanted and attention are his addiction. And as you know, after 23 years together and kids...the romance and butterflies aren't as strong.

 

The reason I've hung on is because I do see changes in him. He is going to personal counseling now. Up until I lost my job (insurance), we were going to discernment then marriage counseling even when he was staying with her.

 

He reads every article I send him about overcoming infidelity, stopping the affair, why affair relationships don't last, why 20 year age difference relationships don't last etc.

 

I feel like he is self destructing because he is not the father that doesn't talk to his kids. We did talk today and discussed some things that I won't post here for obvious reasons. But I feel like he is realizing what he is going to lose.

 

I haven't been innocent. I have yelled, thrown stuff, damaged her car, showed up at hotels and made a scene, made an embarrassing scene outside her old apartment and embarrassed them in front her landlord. I flip out on my husband weekly. I just decided to not really talk to him this week and see how things go after our talk .

 

I'll still post here and just edit myself for things I don't want t her to know. I read the other post and I'm glad that absolutely no one agrees with her and thinks she's making a huge mistake. It doesn't seem like she wanted to take the advice though since she hasn't replied !

 

OP,

My spouse cheated while he was suffering form trauma as well ( combat PTSD). I'd see a chnage in nim, but didn't know it for what it was. He went from a positive and happy guy who was devoted to his fmaily to a shell of himslef who was depressed, acting strangely and even considering self harm.

 

Yes, he was going through hell, and I supported him through that. I supported him through that when he was in a place where he was ready to admit he had a problem and accept that support. As much as I wnated to, I could fix him and make him whole again. he had to do that for himself, and be in a place where he was ready to do so. n essence, he had to hit rock bottom, and for him, the A was just that.

 

Your spouse needs to do that too, and he is not ready.

 

I will say this to you, and I hope you hear it, because it is a lesson that is a really hard one for a loving spouse to learn.

 

You can't fix him if he is not ready to admit he has a problem

 

All the love and support in the world from you can't make him whole again. He has to want help, he has to accept help and he has to be willing to do the hard work it will take. That may never happen.

 

If he is not at that point, it doesn't make him a bad man, but it does make him a bad husband. It's hard and painful work to come back from significant trauma, and some are not able to face that. Again, that doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean that he is not good husband material. Until he is ready to work on himslef, you will never be able to trust him or depend on him,and that is no way to live your life.

 

Yes, what happened to him was terrible, but he has no business visiting that on your had or the heads of his children. Right now, he is not in a pace in his mind where he can stop doing so, so you have to step in and protect yourself and your children. Focus on that for now. Focus on healing yourself from your ws treatment of you so you can be the best mom you can be. Take steps to show them that healing is possible, and that you can use it to become a strong person. Get some counseling for yourself, and think of this as a new chapter in your life with blank pages ready to be filled with good experiences, fun and maybe some heartache, but it's all part of you learning and growing.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

eta: I stayed with my spouse because he was willing to face his demons and work really hard to come back from them. It wasn't easy, and not everyone can do it. If he hadn't been willing to do so, I would have divorced, because I couldn't stay with someone who I couldn't trust long term. Sure, he might have seemed fine for a while, but what would happen the net time he felt overwhelmed and like he was drowning?

Edited August 6, 2016 by wmacbride

[bubbaganoosh]

Why go? Although if it was me, when I got there I would ask him which half of the cabin is his and which half is yours.

[TunaCat]

You do have a choice. You can choose not to go. There is no way in hell I'd be doing this. Who cares if he's not home. It's not worth your mental & emotional well-being to go to this cabin.